I was inside a familiar room. It was so familiar. Nakatatak na sa isip ko ang bawat sulok, ang bawat mga gamit na nandoon na kahit yata nakapikit ako ay alam na alam ko kung saan nakapwesto ang lahat. I knew every part of this room like the back of my hand.

It was the only time like this that I wished I didn't have a sharp mind. This was then that I wished my mind wasn't trained to remember every detail with just two or three glances. Or at least I could take it out of my memory and forget. Kahit man lang 'yung detalye ng kwarto.

It was torture. The pain was even more excruciating like this.

I was having another nightmare. But I couldn't do anything to wake myself up. Nakatayo lang ako roon, as if everything was happening again.

I couldn't even make myself move when I saw Angela come out of the kitchen. I stared at her. Halo-halo ang mga nararamdaman ko. I was relieved to see her face again. Because I fucking miss her so damn much that this nightmare was enough for me if I could see her face once more. If I could see her again. Kahit masakit. Kahit ito pa 'yung araw na nagsimulang maging bangungot ang mga sumunod pang araw sa buhay ko.

It was okay. At least I could see her again.

"A-angela..."

She started to walk towards me. Nanlabo ang mga paningin ko habang hinihintay s'yang makalapit sa 'kin. It was fucking agonizing watching her doing her best just to get near me.

I remember how foolish I was back then. I felt relieved seeing her, I felt happy, not knowing what happened before this. Not knowing that I was already too late.

It must've been extremely painful for her to walk. I saw it clearly on her face. But I could also see the determination in her eyes. She wanted to come near me even if the pain almost killed her.

Tears fell from my eyes the moment I caught her, preventing her from falling. But I couldn't feel anything from her. I couldn't feel her warmth. She was cold. And I knew that even though I could at least see her like this, I would never feel the warmth of her body again.

Because the truth was, she was gone. She was dead. Sa ganitong paraan ko na lang ulit s'ya makikita.

Sinubukan n'yang ilapit ang bibig sa tenga ko. Nagsisikip ang dibdib ko sa sakit at hindi ko na pinag-aksayahan ng panahong punasan ang mga luhang tumutulo mula sa mga mata ko.

"I love you..."

And then I heard them. Those gunshots. Those six deafening gunshots.

Napabalikwas ako ng bangon. For a moment, I was disoriented. Ang akala ko ay naririnig ko pa rin ang mga putok ng baril na muntik ko pang takpan ang mga tenga ko dahil halos mabingi ako roon. Pero nang mas pakinggan ko ang tunog, it was actually the alarm from my bedside table.

I looked at it and reached out to stop the alarm. When the sound stopped, I stared at the date showing on the digital clock.

December 8.

I sighed.

"Of course, love... I did not forget."

I heaved another deep breath. The beating of my heart was so fast that it was actually painful. Napansin ko ring halos maligo na ako sa sarili kong pawis kahit nakatodo ang lamig ng aircon sa kwarto ko.

I raked my fingers on my hair. It was also damped with sweat. Ilang sandali akong nanatiling nakaupo lang sa kama bago tuluyang tumayo.

Lumabas ako ng kwarto at agad na dumiretso sa mini bar. I took the alcohol bottle and poured a glass half. I drank it straight. Napangiwi ako sa init na dumaan sa lalamunan ko pababa hanggang sikumura.

A shitty breakfast. It was like this almost every day. After a nightmare. Which meant that I'm always having nightmares almost every night.

Mas lalo na nitong nakaraan. Habang papalapit ang araw na 'to. Gabi-gabi akong binabangungot.

Kung minsan ay alak na rin ang hapunan ko. I was hoping that it would help me sleep straight.

Dumiretso ako sa banyo at tinitigan ang sarili ko sa salamin. Itinukod ko ang mga kamay sa gilid ng lababo while staring at my reflection in the mirror.

I looked like shit. There were dark circles around my eyes. I just woke up but I looked like I haven't slept for a year.

I chuckled blankly. Fuck.

I hate this fucking day. So much.

It was her birthday too. But that was what hurts the most.

I took a bath. I took my time doing my routine. I didn't have any appointments today anyway. Glen always leaves this day free for me. Hindi ko rin naman kayang magtrabaho sa araw na 'to.

Halos wala sa sarili akong nag-ayos. My body was on auto-pilot. Gulong-gulo ang utak ko pati na rin ang dibdib ko at hindi na ako magtataka kung mamaya ay mapansin kong may mali sa ginawa ko o may maiwan man ako.

It was almost lunchtime when I finally headed out. I drove to the cemetery. I glanced at the passenger seat where I put the bouquet and the box of cake that I ordered for her.

Sa daan ay halos wala akong maramdaman. I felt empty. Ganito naman halos araw-araw. Pero mas malala ngayon. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang kakulangan sa loob ng dibdib ko. Sa buhay ko.

There was that big hole inside of me. That void that I knew no one could ever fill.

Angela took almost all of me when she died. And there was nothing I could do to get it back. Wala na rin naman akong planong bawiin pa iyon sa kanya. She already owned me.

Para akong isang katawan na lang na nabubuhay sa mundo. Like an empty shell. I didn't even know how I could even live with this feeling every fucking day.

It was a horrible feeling. But I deserve it.

I parked the car when I finally got to the cemetery and went out, taking the bouquet and the box of cake with me. I walked up to the mausoleum where she lies.

It was quiet. The wind was blowing gently as if easing the pain that was growing more and more in my chest with every step. Pero mas lalo lang iyong sumakit nang maisip kong baka si Angela 'yon. That she was comforting me right now.

She can't. She shouldn't. I was the reason why died.

Mas bumibigat ang bawat paghakbang ko. Ilang taon ko nang ginagawa 'yon. Ilang beses na akong dumadalaw sa puntod n'ya pero hindi nagbabago ang pakiramdam ko. Na para bang kahapon lang nangyari ang lahat.

I still couldn't believe that I would visit her like this. Na sa ganitong paraan ko na lang s'ya mabibisita, mapupuntahan. At kahit bisitahin ko man s'ya, hindi ko na magagawang makita pa s'ya.

Nandoon palagi ang pakiramdam na ayoko nang ituloy ang paghakbang ko. Because, that would only confirm the truth that she's gone. That she's dead. Because up until now, I had hoped that it was all a bad dream.

Nang marating ko na ang mausoleum ay halos hindi na ako makahinga sa sakit ng dibdib ko. My body was already numb with pain but I still managed to stand on my ground. Hindi ko magagawa 'yon kung hindi lang ako sanay sa sakit.

I took a deep and painful breath to stop the tears from forming in the corner of my eyes.

Stop it. I have no right to cry or even feel the pain. Not in front of her.

Sinubukan kong humakbang papasok pero agad ding napatigil nang mapansin kong may tao sa loob. Nakatalikod sa gawi ko at nakaharap sa puntod na nasa loob.

Paano s'ya nakapasok? This is private! Only the caretaker and I have the key to this!

The anger in me immediately bubbled up to my chest. Nagmamadali akong pumasok sa loob. Halos mandilim ang paningin ko sa galit pero iniingatan kong hindi madurog ang mga bulaklak na hawak ko.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

She whipped around. Halatang nagulat nang makita ako roon. Mas lalo lang nadagdagan ang galit sa dibdib ko. Galit dahil nagulat pa s'yang nakitang nandoon ako.

I was the one who should have been surprised! Damn her!

"L-Lucius..." She looked guilty.

Pumasok ako at nilagpasan s'ya para ipatong sa ibabaw ng puntod ang cake at ang bulaklak na dala ko. Nilingon ko si Ishtar na nakatitig lang sa 'kin.

"I'm asking you, Ishtar," I said through my gritted teeth. I could also feel my hands trembling with rage. "What are you doing here and how the fuck did you get it?"

"It was... It was open."

I glared at her. The anger in me was too much that I had to remind myself that I had once treated this woman in front of me as my family. That we were always together almost our whole lives.

I had to remind myself of those things dahil kung hindi, baka kung ano nang nagawa ko sa kanya. I was livid.

"I can't believe you still have the guts to lie to me. After all that you've done." Mariin ko s'yang tinitigan. "The caretaker wouldn't leave this open. Kami lang dalawa ang may susi sa lugar na 'to. Tell me the truth, Ishtar, before I do something that will make this damn cemetery your home."

Halos maiyak s'ya nang tumitig sa 'kin.

"I... I picked the lock, Lucius..."

Takot na takot si Ishtar habang nakatingin sa 'kin. Siguro dahil nakikita n'ya sa mukha ko kung gaanong katindi ang galit na nararamdaman ko. I couldn't control it not to show on my face.

"I didn't know you were this rude. Hindi mo man lang nirespeto kahit na pati ang puntod n'ya."

"Lucius—"

"But I also had no idea you could do such a terrible thing to Angela." Natawa ako pero alam naming pareho na walang laman iyon. "You never fail to surprise me, Ishtar..."

 "Pinagsisisihan ko naman ang ginawa ko," she said but that just added to my anger.

Walang katapusang galit na yata ang mararamdaman ko para sa babaeng 'to.

My friends always told me that I was a calm person. Na kahit galit ako ay nagagawa kong kontrolin iyon. Na hindi humuhulagpos ang nararamdaman ko. And so, they always see me as the kindest one in the group.

But I knew to myself that I was not. They're wrong. Dahil habang nakatingin ako kay Ishtar, milagro na lang na hanggang ngayon ay wala pa akong ginagawa para saktan s'ya.

"So what? Should that change anything?" I asked sarcastically. "Nananahimik na 'yung tao, Ishtar. Literal na nananahimik na. Ano ba'ng ginawang masama sa 'yo ni Angela at hanggang ngayon hindi mo pa rin s'ya tinitigilan?"

I was right with what I've said earlier. That she never fails to surprise me. Dahil mas nagulat pa yata ako nang bigla na lang s'yang umiyak sa harapan ko.

I clenched my teeth and moved my gaze away from her, but I could still hear her sobs. I was fucking mad. She really had the guts to cry in front of me. To weep within Angela's mausoleum.

While there were times that I would stop myself from crying. Kahit na minsan ay hindi ko iyon mapigilan dahil sa sakit na hindi mawala-wala sa dibdib ko. Because I feel like I didn't deserve to even cry about what happened to Angela. Dahil kasalanan ko naman. Kasalanan ko ang nangyari sa kanya.

Maybe I was angrier with myself than Ishtar. Dahil kung hindi ko nakilala si Angela, kung hindi ko naman s'ya minahal, hindi iyon magagawa ni Ishtar.

Damn it. I still couldn't believe how selfish Ishtar was. Kung alam ko lang... Kung alam ko lang...

"I'm so sorry, Lucius," Ishtar said, sobbing. "Pinagsisisihan ko ang mga nagawa ko. And I would do everything for you to forgive me. Hindi ko kayang galit ka sa 'kin."

Malamig ko s'yang tiningnan.

"There's nothing you can do that could make me forgive you."

I just watched her when she started to cry even more. Tuloy-tuloy na tumutulo ang mga luha sa mga mata n'ya. She tried to wipe it away, but more tears streamed down her cheeks. I couldn't see any trace of Levitsky's elegance or beauty.

I used to always comfort her and give her anything just to stop her from crying. After all, she was the Queen who required protection. It was my father's order. Even if it was, I did it voluntarily. Nakalimutan ko na ngang ginagawa ko iyon nang dahil sa laro. She was like a sister to me.

But now, I didn't make any move to comfort her. I didn't wipe those tears like I used to do before. Pinanood ko lang s'yang umiyak sa harapan ko at nagpapakahirap na punusan ang mga luha nang mag-isa.

"Oh... Maybe there is one thing that you can do," I said.

Mabilis na nag-angat ng tingin sa 'kin si Ishtar. Her face was brimming with tears.

"What is it?" she asked. There was hope in her eyes. "I would do it, Lucius. Kahit ano pa 'yan. Mapatawad mo lang ako."

I stared at her.

"Bring back Angela."

She stilled. Kahit yata ang mga luha n'ya ay tumigil sa pagpatak. Hindi makapaniwalang nakatingin lang s'ya sa 'kin.

"Bring her back. Then I might be able to forgive you."

Her lips trembled.

"L-Lucius... It's impossible," she said. Kahit ang boses ay nanginginig. "You know that I can't—"

"Then stop asking for my forgiveness, Ishtar. It's impossible."

Muling bumuhos ang mga luha n'ya. I just looked at her coldly and I knew she could see it in my eyes. Hindi ako makaramdam ng awa para sa babaeng 'to.

Why should I? Hindi rin naman s'ya naawa kay Angela bago n'ya nagawang ipapatay s'ya. She doesn't deserve my pity. She doesn't deserve my forgiveness.

I can't forgive her. I can't. I won't.

See? I am not kind. Maybe I am even the worst in the group.

"Leave now, Ishtar," malamig kong sabi sa kanya. "At huwag na huwag ka nang pupunta pa ulit dito. Kung may natitira pang konsensya d'yan sa katawan mo."

She bit her lip trying to stop the sound pero narinig ko ang paghagulgol n'ya. She looked at me one last time before she finally walked out.

Ilang sandali kong tinitigan ang pinto kung saan s'ya lumabas bago muling tinignan ang puntod.

I was finally alone. With her. With Angela.

I looked at her tomb and I felt the strength left my body. Nanghihina kong kinuha ang bulaklak at ang cake. Iniligay ko iyon sa harap ng puntod n'ya at naupo rin sa sahig.

I stared at her name which was carved on the tombstone. Marahan kong hinaplos ang bawat letra ng pangalan n'ya.

It was cold to touch. So damn cold. Umaabot ang kalamigan hanggang sa puso ko.

"Happy birthday, love," I said, clearing my throat as my voice cracked. "I wish you were here with me."

Nanlabo ang paningin ko. I looked up, hoping that the tears wouldn't continue to fall. Ilang beses akong tumikhim para alisin ang bara sa lalamunan ko.

I chuckled despite the excruciating pain in my chest.

"It is your birthday pero ako 'tong maraming hinihiling." I cleared my throat again. "But I really wish we could've at least celebrated your birthday properly. Together."

I stared at her tombstone, tracing my fingers across each letter of her name. How I wished that it was her face that I was looking at right now. How I wished that it was her cheeks that I was caressing. How I wished that I could feel her warmth once more

Mas lalong dumoble ang sakit sa dibdib ko nang mapatingin ako sa dalawang petsang iyon. Those same day when she died. It was her birthday too.

December 8.

Hindi ko na napigilan ang muling panlalabo ng paningin ko. I closed my eyes as I rested my forehead on her tombstone. Mas lalo kong naramdaman ang lamig. And I was hoping that the coldness would numb my pain away.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered. "I'm so sorry, Angela."

Those were the only words I could say.

And I realized that I was just the same as Ishtar. I was willing to go to any length to gain Angela's forgiveness.

But she's gone now. Kahit ano pang gawin ko, hinding-hindi na s'ya babalik.

Tears escape even with my eyes closed. Inilapat ko ang palad ko sa lapida at mas lalo ko lang naramdaman ang lamig.

The coldness that probably would never leave me. Alongside the pain.

"I miss you so damn much, love..."