I sighed when I heard my phone ring for the nth time today. It was already inside the drawer of my office desk. Kanina ko pa inilagay iyon doon dahil kanina pa ako naiistorbo sa pagtunog but it still didn't even conceal the sound and I could still clearly hear it.

I should've set it to silent instead. I was hoping that the caller would give up after ignoring his calls pero hindi pa rin naman tumigil sa pagtunog ang phone ko. I guess I underestimated my father.

Nang sa wakas ay tumigil na ang pagtunog, I quickly took out my phone and set it to silent before my father could call me again. Inilagay ko na iyon ulit sa loob ng drawer at ipinagpatuloy ang pagbabasa ng files sa harapan ko.

But I couldn't do it. I couldn't go back to review the files. I was reading the same sentence over and over for about some minutes and when it was about five minutes of doing so, I admitted to myself that I was already distracted.

Damn it. I was doing it to take my mind off today's date, of the reason why my father was calling me a lot of times now, of why I refused to move off my chair and go home even if I had nothing to do as I already finished all my tasks.

It was Ishtar's birthday today and I knew why my father had been calling me. He wanted me to go to her birthday party.

But I didn't want to. Fuck, I didn't even want to see her. Or to talk to her. Anymore. If I could just erase her in my memory and forget I even knew her, I would. I would gladly do it.

I sighed. I wasn't sure if any of my friends attended her party pero kahit na sabihing nandoon sila, it wouldn't compensate anything. Hindi ko matatagalan ang party na 'yon. Hindi ko matatagalan na magpanggap na parang ayos lang ang lahat.

Ishtar's existence was screaming at the fact that Angela is dead.

But my father kept on calling me. Alam kong pipilitin n'ya akong pumunta sa party kaya hindi ko talaga sinasagot ang mga tawag n'ya. I had no strength to do that. I want nothing to do with Ishtar anymore. And yet my dad couldn't seem to understand that.

Maybe he was still hoping that we would reconcile. Just like when Ishtar and I were still kids. Na kapag may ginawang mali si Ishtar, I would still tolerate her. I would still forgive her matapos ko s'yang pagsabihan na parang isang nakatatandang kapatid. Because that was what I am to her.

I treated her like my sister. A sister I would always tolerate no matter what she did. I tried to fill in for what she was lacking. A family. Because I knew what his father did to her mother. And I didn't want Ishtar to think that it would be a problem for her.

And then there was Dad that was hoping he could give her a decent family. He became a good father to her.

But that was before. Hindi naman maliit na bagay ang ginawa ni Ishtar na pagkatapos ay pwede ko s'yang pagsabihan at patawarin. Hindi na kami mga bata. May nawalang buhay dahil sa ginawa n'ya.

I couldn't forgive her. Not anymore.

I was interrupted when the intercom rang. I answered it and I heard Glenn's voice from the other line.

"Sir, your father's on the line."

Mariin akong napapikit. Fuck it. I should know that my father wouldn't stop until I talk to him. He must've realized that I'm ignoring his calls.

"Sir? Should I tell him you're busy?" tanong ni Glenn nang ilang sandali akong hindi sumagot.

I sighed. I knew my father wouldn't stop. He was... strict. Probably because he was the former King of EL Ordre as well as the former CEO of this company. He hated it when I was not answering his calls. There was a big chance he might come here kapag hindi ko pa sinagot ang tawag n'ya ngayon.

"I'll take his call," I said.

"Okay, Sir. Connecting him to you now."

It didn't take a while before I heard my father's voice on the other line.

"Goodness, Lucius! Kung hindi pa talaga ako tumawag sa office, talagang wala kang planong sagutin ang tawag ko."

I took a deep breath, feeling that my head was aching as I did so. I think I'm stressed out. Dumadalas na yata ang pananakit ng ulo ko.

"I'm fine, Dad. Thanks for asking," I said.

Narinig ko ang pagbuntong-hininga n'ya.

"I just want you to go to Ishtar's birthday party. Kahit saglit lang."

I looked at the clock. It was already past eight in the evening. Tapos na ang office hours and yet Glenn was still here, taking his overtime. I already told the poor guy that he can go home pero may tinatapos pa raw s'ya. He wanted to finish it today. But I think he was just waiting for me to time out too.

Glenn had been an efficient secretary from the start. I'll consider raising his salary.

"I'm busy," maikli kong sabi.

To be honest, wala na talaga akong ginagawa. The files I was reading didn't even need reviewing. But I'm glad I stayed in the office. Hindi ko maidadahilan kay Dad na busy ako kapag nalaman n'yang wala na ako sa opisina at umuwi na.

Fuck, I just didn't want to go to that goddamn party.

"Just greet her a happy birthday and then you can go," Dad tried to negotiate.

I gritted my teeth. Pinigilan ko ang inis na nararamdaman ko. I didn't want to get mad at my father. I was trying to understand him. He treated Ishtar as his real daughter and I knew he wanted to give her the best.

But right now, I'm too damn tired to understand him.

"Dad..." Napabuntong-hininga ako. "I really don't want to talk to her anymore."

Hindi kaagad nakapagsalita si Dad sa kabilang linya. After all, he knew what Ishtar did. Hindi ko iyon itinago sa kanya. I wanted him to know that I have reasons why I was avoiding Ishtar, why I refuse on talking to her. Alam ko kasing nagsasabi sa kanya si Ishtar sa ginagawa kong pag-iwas. And I wanted him to understand where I was coming from.

May mga pagkakataon na nakakaramdam ako ng pagtatampo sa sarili kong ama. He knew it was hard for me to talk to her, to even see her. He knew and yet... he was still asking me to do something like this.

I heard Dad sigh again.

"It is her birthday wish, Lucius..."

Hindi ko na napigilan ang inis na naramdaman ko. God, my head was aching to all of this. I just want this to stop.

Alam naman ni Dad ang rason ko. Yet why he couldn't understand that it was hard for me to see Ishtar anymore? Why he couldn't understand that it was hurting me? Why he couldn't understand that I was suffering?

"Dad..." I said. I clenched my jaw. I didn't want to lash out on him pero hindi ko na talaga napigilan. Punong-puno na ako. "If you don't want me to get mad at you, then stop forcing me to talk to Ishtar."

Natahimik si Dad. I immediately felt bad. After we had reconciled when the game ended, I knew that Dad was trying his best to make it up to me. Alam ko namang bumabawi s'ya at hinahayaan ko s'ya. We started to bond like an actual father and son. Iyong hindi na kami mag-uusap nang dahil lang sa laro. Iyong hindi kami magkikita para lang i-train n'ya ako.

But I just... I just couldn't give what he wanted when it comes to Ishtar. I didn't know if I was being selfish but... I just can't really do it. It was so fucking hard.

"I'm sorry, Dad," I said, regretting that I lashed out at him. "I'm just really stressed because of work. Marami lang talaga akong ginagawa."

"It's okay, son..." he said. His voice was soft. Mas lalo tuloy akong nakonsensya. "I know I am being insensitive with your feelings."

"You're not. I know you're trying to understand me, too."

"I just want you to be okay, son... Tapos na ang laro. I don't want you to suffer anymore."

I pursed my lips. Maybe... Maybe the game was where it all started. Maybe it was really the reason why we suffered and why we didn't get to live a normal life. Maybe the game gave us all traumas and nightmares that we wished we could be free anymore.

The game has already ended but the effect of its aftermath was still here.

"I'll be okay, Dad," I said. Pero kahit nang sabihin ko iyon, hindi pa rin ako sigurado kung mangyayari nga ba iyon.

"Alright..." Narinig ko ang pag-aalinlangan sa boses n'ya. "If you need anything, son, just tell me. I'll take over the company for a while if you want to have a rest. I do think you need it."

A tired smile escaped my lips.

"Okay, Dad. I'll keep that in mind."

I ended the call and took a deep breath. I definitely think I needed a rest too. Madalas nang sumasakit ang ulo ko at kailangan ko na nga muna sigurong magpahinga sa lahat. But I was worried, afraid rather, that the grief will come to me again once I did so. Once I didn't have to get busy myself anymore. Natatakot akong mas maramdaman ang sakit.

I only get busy myself with work to divert my attention. Alam ko kasi na kapag wala na akong ibang iniisip, mas mararamdaman ko ang pagkawala ni Angela. Mas maaalala ko ang nangyari noon. Ang mga masasayang alaala na nagtapos lang sa pagkamatay n'ya.

I sighed. I tried to remember what Ada told me. I do want to remember Angela without feeling the pain. She didn't deserve to be remembered as a painful memory. I wanted to remember her smile, to remember the love in her eyes whenever she looked at me, to remember her innocence that always made me smile, and to remember how much I love her without the pain in my heart.

It's been a month since my last talk with Ada. Since the last time that I saw her. Pero hindi ko kinalimutan ang mga sinabi n'ya. Hindi ko alam kung nakatulong ba ang mga iyon. But I tried to do what she said to me back then.

And she was right. Grieving is like riding a roller coaster. May mga pagkakataon na akala ko, kaya ko nang maging maayos. Na makakaya kong maging masaya. Then I would remember something that would make me feel that I was at lowest point of my life.

And maybe, maybe I was at that lowest part of the roller coaster. I was still at the bottom and the ride was trying its best to go up. Just like I was trying my best to feel better.

Pero siguro, kahit kaunti, like an inch, umaangat na nga siguro ako. Because there were nights when I didn't need to drink alcohol just so I could get myself to sleep.

But... I was still having those nightmares. Nahihirapan pa rin kasi akong tanggapin ang lahat.

Could I ever accept it? To accept everything that happened and I couldn't do anything to change that? Could I ever move forward?

I looked at the time. I already memorized Ada's shift on her work. Alam kong nandoon na s'ya sa coffee shop.

Maybe, I'll drop by. Kahit saglit lang.

I closed the file I was reading and turned off my computer. I stood up and took my coat hanging on the coat hanger. Pinatay ko ang ilaw sa loob ng office ko bago lumabas. Agad na napatingin sa 'kin si Glenn.

"Glenn, I'm done for the day. Umuwi ka na rin," I said.

"Okay, Sir. Malapit na akong matapos sa ginagawa ko."

I looked at him.

"Alright. I get it. I'll give you a salary increase so go home, man. Get a life."

Natawa si Glenn.

"'Yon! Akala ko hindi kayo makakaramdam, Sir, eh."

I chuckled as I shook my head.

"Umuwi ka na," sabi ko at naglakad na papuntang elevator.

I rode my motorcycle and drove to Ada's workplace. Hindi muna ako pumasok sa loob nang makarating ako roon. Pinagmasdan ko muna ang loob at nakita ko si Ada na nasa counter.

There were some customers inside. For a while, I thought of not going in. Baka kasi makaistorbo lang ako sa trabaho ni Ada. I didn't want to disturb her when all she did was to help me.

But then... I think I'll just be a customer for now. We can just talk again later when there was no customer.

I went inside the coffee shop. The wind chime jingled when I opened the door kaya napatingin ang iba sa 'kin. As well as Ada who was doing something behind the counter. Her smile widened as soon as she saw me.

"Welcome!" she greeted me with all smiles. She was wearing her uniform. A black button-down polo and black pants. She was also wearing an apron. Sa gitna noon ay ang logo ng café.

I chuckled as I approached her on the counter.

"I'm here as a customer," I said defensively.

Natawa s'ya. Itinuro n'ya ang menu display sa taas.

"Pili ka sa menu. Hindi pa available 'yung tea na exclusive lang sa coffee buddy ko."

I smiled. Hindi ko man lang tiningnan ang mga nakalista sa menu.

"What do you recommend?"

"Hmm..." Pinasadahan n'ya ako ng tingin. "Latte, Sir. Bagay sa 'yo."

I chuckled. Napailing ako.

"Latte. Very original." Nagkatawanan kami. "I'll have that then."

She punched in my order. I was staring on her face as I did so. Hindi nawala ang ngiti sa mga labi n'ya nang muli akong tiningnan.

"Cash or card, sir?"

I didn't know why I laughed at that. Maybe because I remembered something. And I knew she was thinking of that too as I saw it in her eyes. Sinusubukan din n'yang pigilan ang ngiti n'ya pero hindi naman nagawa.

"Card," I said. I took my card in my wallet and handed it to her.

"Sabi na, eh," she mumbled.

I shook my head as I try to fight my smile. She did my transaction and handed me my card back.

"Upo na kayo, Sir. Ihahatid ko na lang sa inyo order n'yo."

"Alright..."

I didn't choose a seat that was far from the counter. Iyong malapit sa kanya ang pinili ko. Just on the corner so I wouldn't get distracted. I watched her as she made my latte and she moved so swiftly, as if she was so used to doing it. Hindi rin naman nagtagal at ibinigay n'ya sa 'kin ang order ko.

"Enjoy your coffee, Sir!" she said.

"Thank you."

I looked at the latte and another chuckle escaped from my lips when I saw the art. It was the face of a panda. For a moment, I wonder if I have dark circles under my eyes due to lack of sleep.

Well, maybe I did.

Napailing na lang ako. I took my coffee and sipped on it, feeling grateful that I chose to go here instead of that birthday party.