I didn't know how long I cried while I was holding Ada's hands. Humihigpit ang pagkakahawak ko sa mga kamay n'ya sa bawat hikbing pinapakawalan ko. I know I was already holding her hands so tight pero hindi ako nakarinig ng anumang pagtutol mula sa kanya. I was holding those delicate hands like they were my lifeline.

I didn't know I needed this. Ilang beses ko nang nakausap ang puntod ni Angela, halos hindi ko na mabilang. I talked in front of her grave, telling her everything I wanted to tell her, telling her everything I wasn't able to tell her, and telling her how much I still love her.

I was content with that. Pero ngayong hawak ko ang mga kamay ni Ada at nararamdaman ko ang mararahang pagpisil n'ya sa mga kamay ko na parang nagsasabing hindi ako nag-iisa, that I was actually talking with someone right now, I never knew I badly needed this.

There must've really been something with Ada. She could let my emotions out so easily. Kahit na ayoko. Kahit na ilang taon ko 'yong kinayang itago. Just with a simple word from her, she could already open all the emotion I'd been trying to lock up deep within me.

Ni hindi ko magawang magpanggap sa harapan n'ya. I couldn't act like I was fine, as if I hadn't been suffering for so many years. I couldn't act like I wasn't hurting. Just one look in Ada's eyes and the warmth from her hands were all that it needed, parang nagsilbi iyong susi sa mga emosyong matagal kong ikinulong sa dibdib ko.

Nakakahiya. I was weeping in front of her. Ni hindi ko nagawang umiyak nang ganitong kalala sa harap ng mga kaibigan kong itinuring kong pamilya. I was sobbing so hard I couldn't even breathe properly.

Naramdaman ko ang muling pagpisil ni Ada sa mga kamay ko kaya napatingin ako sa kanya. She, too, has tears in her eyes. And I was in awe how such a person like her would cry and do things like this just for me.

"Lucius..." her voice sounded so soft. It was so soft but I could clearly hear it as the silence of the night was too loud. Kaya naman malinaw ko ring narinig ang sakit sa boses n'ya.

She shook her head. There was so much pain painted on her beautiful face. And I felt guilty that I was the one who put that expression on her.

Pero mukhang nahalata iyon ni Ada. She looked me in the eye. Mas naging mahigpit ang pagkakahawak n'ya sa mga kamay ko.

"Mali..." sabi n'ya at umiling. "Ulitin mo."

Mapait akong napalunok. I knew what she was talking about. Mali ang sinabi ko. Mali ang nasabi ko. I shouldn't have said thanks. I shouldn't have said that I was thankful.

Because Angela is dead. She's long dead. Hindi na s'ya mabubuhay pa.

Napailing ako kay Ada. I felt suddenly scared. Bigla akong natakot na pumayag ako sa gusto n'yang gawin.

Natatakot ako. Natatakot akong tuluyang tanggaping wala na si Angela. Na hindi na s'ya babalik pa.

"I can't..." I said softly. Bibitiwan ko na sana ang mga kamay n'ya pero hindi n'ya ako hinayaan.

"Lucius... Sige na. Kailangan mo 'to. Nandito ako..."

I gritted my teeth trying to stop another batch of tears from falling in my eyes. Nasasaktan akong tumingin sa mga mata n'ya.

I pretended I was looking in Angela's eyes. I thought of those words I wanted to tell her.

If she was Angela, if Angela was really in front of me right now, isang bagay ang unang-una kong sasabihin sa kanya.

"Hindi ko pa rin matanggap na wala ka na."

Humigpit ulit ang pagkakahawak ni Ada sa mga kamay ko. She nodded at me, telling me that I was saying the right thing.

Pero hindi ko alam kung ano pa ba'ng dapat na sabihin ko. Napakarami noon. Sobrang dami na hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula dahil nauunahan ako ng sobrang sakit na nararamdaman ko sa dibdib ko.

"I'm sorry..." sabi ko at bahagyang napatigil dahil muling bumuhos ang mga luha ko. "I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you."

God... Why am I so useless? All those training I did to fight and save my life, even my friends lives, ni hindi ko man lang nagamit ang mga iyon para protektahan ang babaeng pinakamamahal ko.

I managed to protect the EL Ordre, to win the game. Pero pakiramdam ko, walang silbi ang lahat ng iyon dahil hindi ko naman kasama si Angela.

"Wala kang kasalanan, Lucius..." umiiyak na sabi ni Ada. "Hindi mo kasalanan ang lahat. Hindi mo kailangang sisihin ang sarili mo."

I shook my head. I have so many regrets in my life.

"Alam kong hindi kita naprotektahan, Angela," I said, looking straight into the eyes of the woman in front of me. "If only I came home sooner on your birthday, you could've been alive. If you hadn't met me, then you're probably living your normal life."

Muli akong napaiyak nang maalala ang araw na 'yon. The day when I thought it would be the happiest day of my life became the nightmare that haunted me for so many years.

Hindi ko magagawang makalimutan 'yon. Hindi ko magagawang makalimutan ang araw na sobra-sobra kong pinagsisisihan.

"I wish I was the one who died. Buhay ka pa sana ngayon." Hirap na hirap akong napalunok. "I wanted to follow you, you know? Kasi ayoko na. Pagod na pagod na 'kong mamuhay sa mundong 'to na wala ka, Angela. It is so fucking hard to live knowing that you're dead and I couldn't hug you anymore."

Mas lalong napaiyak si Ada. Humigpit ang pagkakakapit n'ya sa mga kamay ko na para bang kapag niluwagan n'ya ay mawawala rin ako sa harapan n'ya.

"Lucius..."

"I wanted to die too. Ilang beses kong naisip na magpakamatay na lang. I thought of so many ways to kill myself. Kasi ang sakit-sakit na. Hindi ko na kaya ang sakit."

Ilang beses na nga ba? How many times have I thought of killing myself in every possible way? How many times did I wish that I wouldn’t wake up anymore? How many times did I think of just crashing my big bike or car whenever I was driving?

How many times did I think of living this world just to be with Angela?

"Oh, my God... I'm so sorry," humihikbing sabi ni Ada.

"It was so hard to pretend that everything is okay with my life. It was so hard to pretend and force myself to smile. It was so hard to wake up every morning knowing that you wouldn't be here." I gritted. "Fuck! Hirap na hirap na 'ko..."

I cried hard. Napahagulgol ako. I was already gripping Ada's hands so tight that I knew it hurt her but I didn't hear anything from her. Hinayaan n'ya 'kong umiyak. Hinayaan n'yang ibuhos ko ang lahat ng sakit.

Tangina pagod na pagod na talaga 'ko sa sakit na araw-araw at bawat segundo kong nararamdaman. Hindi ko na kaya. Pakiramdam ko, nauubusan na 'ko ng lakas. Nanghihina na 'kong humarap sa mga tao araw-araw na para bang wala akong iniindang sa'kin.

Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. I wanted to be with Angela. I wanted to be with her. I wanted to die too. I wanted to kill myself.

Paano ba? Paano ba ang mamatay na lang? Fuck, gusto ko nang sundan si Angela...

Pagod na 'ko. I couldn’t take this pain anymore.

I could hear Ada's sobbing with me as well. Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya. She was crying so hard. Kitang-kita ko ang sakit sa mga mata n'ya.

"I'm sorry that you're hurting, Lucius... I'm so sorry you had those thoughts."

Sa kabila ng sakit na nararamdaman ko ay bahagya akong napatawa.

"It wasn't your fault."

"Gaya ng hindi mo rin kasalanan na namatay si Angela."

I shook my head.

"Please..."

Napasigok s'ya. She was crying. This woman was crying for me. Na para banh nasasaktan din s'ya para sa 'kin. Kahit hindi n'ya pa ako lubusang kilala.

"Lucius... Alam kong walang-wala akong ideya sa kung gaano kasakit ang nararamdaman mo. Sa kung gaano ka nagdusa. Pero, Lucius... Nandito ako, ha? Nandito ako."

She cried. Tinitigan ko lang s'yang lumuluha sa harapan ko. Pinanood ko s'yang umiyak at nasasaktan para sa 'kin.

"Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng mga dapat kong sabihin sa 'yo para man lang makatulong na kahit kaunti ay gumaan ang pakiramdam mo. Para hindi mo na pag-isipan ang mga bagay na 'yon. Natatakot akong baka may masabi akong mali at mas makasakit pa sa 'yo." She looked me straight in the eye. Her tears were falling like a waterfall. "Pero kung makakatulong sa 'yo na isipin na ako si Angela para masabi mo ang lahat ng mga hindi mo nasabi sa kanya, gagawin ko."

Saglit n'yang binitiwan ang kamay ko para punasan ang mga luha sa pisngi ko. Her touch was so light. Ilang beses ko na iyong napansin. Para bang hindi magagawang manakit ng mga kamay na 'yon. As if all it could do was to soothe the pain in my chest.

"'Wag mo naman sanang pagsisihan ang mga panahong nagkasama kayo. 'Wag mong pagsisihan ang purong pagmamahalan n'yo. Dahil sigurado ako, your love for her is one of the greatest things in this world."

I was glad... I was glad that even if she told me to pretend that she was Angela, that I was talking to Angela, she didn't try to speak as if she was really her. Hindi s'ya nagsalita na para bang iyon talaga ang mga sasabihin sa 'kin ni Angela.

She was still Adalina.

"But it killed you, Angela."

She shook her head.

"No... It made her happy. It made her last moments in this world the happiest days of her life."

Mapait akong tumingin sa kanya.

"How could you even say that? You died because of me. The love I have for you killed you."

Marahang lumapat ang kamay n'ya sa pisngi ko. Hindi n'ya pinansin kahit nababasa ang palad n'ya ng mga luha ko.

"Because looking in your eyes now, Lucius, alam kong ganoon ang naramdaman ni Angela. Looking into your eyes made me see how much you love her. How much you tried to make her happy. And how much you made her happy. Kahit sino'ng tumingin sa mga mata mo, makikita iyon."

Her hand that was just touching my cheek went down to my chest. She closed her eyes as if she was trying to feel the beating of my heart. Kitang-kita ko ang pagtulo ng luha sa mga mata n'ya nang muli s'yang dumilat.

"Kahit sino'ng makarinig o makadama sa tibok ng puso mo at kahit sino'ng makakita sa mga mata mo, malalaman agad nila kung gaano mo kamahal si Angela. Maraming maiinggit sa kung gaano ka magmahal, Lucius."

"Kahit na ikapahamak nila ang pagmamahal na 'yon?"

She smiled at me. Her eyes twinkled with her tears as well as the smile on her lips.

"Sa mundong 'to, maraming naghahangad ng ganyang pagmamahal mula sa isang tao. Wala kasing kasiguraduhan ang lahat. Pero ikaw? 'Yung wagas mong pagmamahal? 'Yung puso mo? It is a great love. May kasiguraduhan. You are a great person, Lucius. Sana maintindihan mo 'yon."

Ada looked so beautiful as she said that. She has a smile on her lips. There was honesty in her eyes.

Nawala sa alaala ko ang babaeng kinaiinisan ko dahil sa pagiging makulit at paghabol-habol sa 'kin para lang ibalik ang sukli sa pamasahe noon. Nawala sa isip ko na s'ya ang babaeng isang taon ko ring iniwasang sagutin ang tawag at makita dahil alam kong makukulitan na naman ako at magiging sakit sa ulo ko pa.

And for some reason, there was something inside me that has been telling me to believe her. Because it knew she was telling the truth.

Muling hinawakan ni Ada ang mga kamay ko.

"Alam kong mahirap tanggapin na may mga bagay at pangyayaring hindi umaayon sa 'tin, sa mga gusto natin. Marami tayong pinagsisisihan sa buhay natin. Maraming what ifs. Maraming sana. Masakit isipin na wala na tayong magagawa sa mga bagay na 'yon," she said. "But, Lucius... Hindi naman ibig sabihin na kapag tinanggap natin ang katotohanang 'yon, kalilimutan na rin natin. We will keep it in our heart, right? And in our memories. We just have to accept it so that instead of pain and guilt, they will become beautiful memories."

Naalala ko ulit ang panaginip ko. Ang masamang panaginip ko kung saan sinisisi ako ni Angela sa nangyari sa kanya. Is it really possible that it was just my guilt? Na hindi talaga ako sinisisi ni Angela? Tama nga kaya ang sinabi ni Ada?

"Angela's blaming me."

Mariing umiling si Ada.

"It is you who's blaming you, Lucius. Kaya stop blaming yourself. Those nightmares will be soon gone if you learn to forgive yourself."

"Ang hirap..."

"I know... Mahirap naman talaga lalo na kung matagal mong inalagaan ang guilt at sakit sa puso mo. But you have to let it go soon. Natatabunan kasi no'n ang mga magagandang alaala mo kay Angela. Ang wagas mong pagmamahal para sa kanya. At ng pagmamahal n'ya para sa 'yo."

I stared at her. Come to think of it. When was the last time I remembered Angela without feeling the pain in my heart? Without feeling guilty? Without blaming myself? Without getting mad at myself?

When was the last time I tried to remember her where I could only feel the love she had for me? Her genuine smile? Her memories?

"Ayaw mo bang maalala ang mga magagandang pangyayari sa buhay n'yo noong nabubuhay pa s'ya? Noong kasama mo pa s'ya?" she asked. "Ayaw mo ba s'yang maalala bilang babaeng lubos ding nagmahal sa 'yo?"

I helplessly shook my head. I looked at her as if she was holding all the answers. Alam kong nakikita n'ya ang pagkabigo sa mukha ko.

"Hindi ko alam kung paano gagawin 'yon. I don't even know where to start."

Napatango si Ada. She smiled at me. Mahigpit n'yang hinawakan ang mga kamay ko.

"It won't be easy. I know. Hindi naman dere-deretso ang pagluluksa. There will be times when you will feel miserable and sad again. Where you will feel down again. Hindi palaging maaraw. That's how grieving is. Pero sasamahan kita, Lucius... Kapag kailangan mo 'ko, nandito lang ako palagi."

Hindi makapaniwalang napatingin ako sa kanya.

"You would do that?"

Naging malawak ang pagkakangiti n'ya ngayon. Her smile held a lot of promises.

"Oo naman."

"You're not even my friend."

"Ouch." Umakto pa s'yang nasasaktan. For a moment, I wanted to take my words back when I saw hurt on her face pero ngumiti rin naman s'ya. "Mabuti na rin 'yon. Sa tingin ko, hindi mo magagawang mag-open up ng ganito kung kaibigan mo 'ko."

I sniffed. Natatawang pinunasan ni Ada ang mga natirang luha sa pisngi ko.

"What are we, then?" I asked.

"Hmm..." She acted as if she was thinking before she smiled at me. "Coffee buddies?"

I fought my smile. Pinaningkitan ko s'ya ng mga mata.

"Coffee buddies?"

Tumango s'ya.

"Yes! Kapag kailangan mo ng kausap, alam mo kung saan ako hahanapin."

I looked at the tea that was still in front of us. Nawala na ang init noon but for some reason, I imagined myself still seeing the steam coming out of it.

Tiningnan ko si Ada. She looked hopeful. And I couldn't understand why she was hoping I would say yes kung magpapakita lang ako sa kanya pero problema ang dala-dala ko.

"Is it really okay?" I asked.

"Oo naman!" mabilis n'yang sagot. "Tsaka ngayon lang ako nagkaroon ng coffee buddy na bilyonaryo, 'no? Palalagpasin ko pa ba?"

I looked at her. Deadpan.

"So that's what this is."

Ada laughed. And it was refreshing to hear her laughter when I was just in pain earlier.

"Sige na, payag ka na. Hahandaan ulit kita ng tsaang 'to sa susunod."

I looked at the tea. Hindi ko man lang naubos pero parang gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. Nawala ang sakit ng ulong iniinda ko kanina.

"What's with this tea?" I asked.

"Tinuro lang sa 'kin ni Lola. Kapag may sakit ako, lagi n'ya 'kong hinahandaan n'yan. Nakakagaan ng pakiramdaman pagkatapos."

"So, wala 'to sa menu?"

May pilyang ngiti sa mga labi n'ya nang umiling s'ya.

"Wala. Exclusive lang 'yan sa coffee buddy kong bilyonaryo."

I couldn't help the chuckle that escaped from me.

"Such an honor..."

She smiled gently at me. Her thumb caressed the back of my palm.

"I know you can do it, Lucius... Hindi man sa ngayon pero alam ko balang-araw, magagawa mo ring maging masaya."

She stared at me. Tumitig ako pabalik sa kanya.

"Yeah... I hope so."