Happy birthday to this beloved gentle soul, Lucius D'Angelo. I hope on your next birthday, I could wish you the happiest birthday.

-----

Wala akong inaksayang oras. Mabilis ang naging kilos ko. I ignored the throbbing pain in my head as I dashed to the elevator. Hindi pa man tuluyang nakabukas ang pinto noon ay pumasok na agad ako sa loob. Halos masira na ang close button sa madiin at paulit-ulit kong pagpindot para muling magsara ang pinto.

The ride down to the parking lot was hellish. Nanginginig ang buong katawan ko. I wasn't sure if it was because of my fever or the fear in me thinking of what Ishtar might do to Ada at sa kung ano'ng maaring maabutan ko.

But there was nothing I could do but lean on the wall and watch the number indicator change as the elevator went down. I took several deep breath to calm my nerves but it wasn't working.

Fuck... Fuck! It's happening again. Ishtar is doing it again. Nandadamay na naman s'ya ng inosenteng tao. I was sure it was because of me, that's why she was bothering Ada now.

Damn it. When will she ever stop? Lahat na lang ba ng mapapalapit at makikilalang kong babae, guguluhin n'ya? Is she really that desperate?

I failed. I failed again. I shouldn't have let her see her Ada. I shouldn't have let her think that something was going on between me and Ada. I should've told her who Ada really was when she asked before. Hindi na n'ya sana guguluhin ang babae ngayon.

Fucking shit. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko sakaling masaktan n'ya man si Ada. The woman was so innocent who just wanted to bring back the change to me.

Bakit ba kasi hindi ko kaagad kinuha ang sukli sa kanya noon? Bakit ba kasi hindi eksaktong pamasahe ang ibinigay ko sa bus noon? Bakit ba kasi hindi ko na lang hinintay na masuklian ako noon? Hindi na sana mangungulit si Ada na ibalik pa sa 'kin ang sukli.

Mabilis kong tinakbo kung saan naka-park ang motor ko nang bumukas ang elevator. My hands were shaking so fucking much as I put on my helmet. Hindi pa nakatulong ang malakas na kabog sa dibdib ko. I was terrified that I might be too late. I was terrified that I wouldn't save an innocent woman again.

Please... Let me make it in time.

I drove too fast. The sound of my big bike cut through the silence of midnight street. Ramdam ko pa rin ang malamig na simoy ng hangin na mas lalo lang yatang nagpadagdag sa panginginig ng katawan ko.

Hindi ko mapigilang hindi maalala ang nangyari kay Angela. Nahuli ako ng dating noon. I was already too late. I couldn't save her. There was nothing I could do but hold her body in my arms. Her blood was soaking my clothes but I didn't let go of her. Wala na akong nagawa kundi ang hawakan at yakapin na lang ang katawan n'yang wala nang buhay.

Mas lalong hindi ko mapapatawad ang sarili ko kung mangyayari na naman iyon sa isang tao. Nang dahil sa 'kin.

Fuck.

Wala pa yatang sampung minuto akong nakarating sa coffee shop dahil sa sobrang bilis ng pagpapatakbo ko. Basta ko na lang ipinarada ang motor at mabilis na hinubad ang helmet. I didn't know if I put the helmet properly or I just threw it away. All that I could ever think of was to save Ada from Ishtar.

I ran and pushed the door open way too hard, it almost shattered. The wind chime rattled loudly as I went into the shop. Agad na hinanap ng mga mata ko si Ada. Hindi naman ako nahirapan dahil dalawang tao lang ang nandoon. They were standing in front of the counter.

"Lucius..." I heard Ishtar mumbled. Mukhang nagulat sa presensya ko.

But I didn't pay her any attention. Naglakad ako nang hindi inaalis ang tingin kay Ada. I grabbed her by the shoulders. She yelped in surprise pero hindi naman lumayo sa 'kin. Mabilis kong pinasadahan ng tingin ang kabuuan n'ya, naghahanap ng senyales na nasaktan s'ya.

"Lucius, what are you doing here?" Ishtar asked and there was an edge in her voice.

Hindi ko pa rin s'ya pinansin. Patuloy pa rin ako sa ginagawa kay Ada na nakatingin lang sa 'kin at nagulat sa biglaan kong paglapit sa kanya.

"Are you hurt?" I asked. "Did she hurt you?"

"Huh?" She blinked. Wala sa sariling napahawak s'ya sa isang parte ng mukha n'ya, on her jaw just below her left cheek.

I frowned when her eyes widened. Na-realize yata ang ginawa n'ya. She took a step backward while still touching that part of her face as if she was trying to hide it from me.

Mas lalong nangunot ang noo ko. She was acting suspicious. Umatras pa nang humakbang ako palapit sa kanya. I gritted my teeth, trying to keep my rage for an idea that came into my mind. Nang makita ni Ada ang galit sa mga mata ko ay tumigil s'ya sa pag-atras.

I held her hand, trying to remove it from her face. Nu'ng una ay nakipagmatigasan pa talaga s'ya sa 'kin, binabawi ang kamay sa tuwing hinihila ko. But then I stared at her with a serious expression on my face. I didn't have any idea how I looked but she stopped struggling and finally let me remove her hand.

Nang makita ko kung ano'ng pilit n'yang itinatago, bigla ang pagsiklab ng galit sa dibdib ko. I clenched my jaw when I saw that small scratch on that part of her face. Just about two inches long and it already stopped bleeding. But still, that was enough to fuel the rage in my chest.

Fucking damn it! I was late again! I failed again! Tangina, wala na talaga akong ginawang tama! Lagi na lang akong nahuhuli! I couldn't protect an innocent woman again from Ishtar!

"What the fuck did you do to her?" I bellowed as I turned to Ishtar. Nakita kong agad na namutla ang mukha n'ya nang makita ang kakaibang galit sa mukha ko.

I know I was shivering because of my fever earlier. But now, I was trembling with anger. Nang hindi magsalita si Ishtar ay hinaklit ko ang braso n'ya. She winced in pain but I ignored it. Mas diniinan ko pa ang pagkakahawak ko sa braso n'ya.

"Talk, Ishtar! Damn it!"

"Teka, sandali, Lucius!" It was Ada. Hinawakan n'ya ang braso ko. "Nasasaktan s'ya!"

"She hurt you!" I said through gritted teeth. I was shaking with anger and I couldn't keep my composure. Gone was the calm Lucius they always saw me as.

If my friend could see me right now, they wouldn't believe it was me. I couldn't believe it either. Hindi ako mapaniwalang kaya ko palang makaramdam ng ganitong katinding galit. Siguro ay dumagdag na rin ang lagnat ko. I was seeing red. There was a need in me that wanted to let all my rage out.

"Hindi n'ya sinasadya," I could hear panic in Ada's voice. She was already clinging on my arm, trying to remove my grip on Ishtar. "Hindi n'ya sinasadya, Lucius. Nag-panic lang ako nang makita s'ya kanina. Hindi na dapat kita tinawagan."

"You don't have to defend her," galit na baling ko kay Ada. "She meant it! I know it! Just like how she meant to let Angela die!"

"It was an accident, Lucius," mangiyak-ngiyak na sabi ni Ishtar.

"Kailan mo ba 'ko titigilan, huh? You really love seeing me suffering, don't you?"

"Lucius, no... I just wanted to talk to her. Iyon lang."

"Talk?" I chuckled full of sarcasm. "If I know, pinaplano mo na namang ipapatay s'ya gaya ng ginawa mo kay Angela!"

Tuluyan nang napaiyak si Ishtar pero mas lalo lang akong nagalit. She was wearing a sleeveless dress and I could see that my hand was already leaving a mark on her skin.

But I just tightened my grip on her, trying to stop her from crying. The tears in her eyes angered me even more. I could even see my knuckles turning white at how hard I was gripping her arm. Pero mas lalo lang s'yang umiyak sa sakit

She didn't deserve to cry or feel pain. After what she did to Angela. I couldn't even feel her remorse at iyon ang mas ikinagagalit ko. As if Angela's life was nothing to her. Hindi n'ya pinagsisisihan ang ginawa n'ya dahil wala lang ang buhay ni Angela para sa kanya.

If anything, she regretted it because it changed everything between us. Because she completely lost me. Iyon lang. Hindi n'ya pinagsisihan na nawala ang buhay ng isang tao dahil sa ginawa n'ya. Ako na naman ang dahilan.

Angela didn't deserve it. She deserved the best. She deserved everything. But she wouldn't receive anything anymore as she was already gone.

"Fucking leave me alone already, Ishtar," I said, gritting my teeth. "Kahit ilang babae pang mapalapit sa 'kin ang ipapatay mo, I will never fucking love you. You fucking disgust me."

Napahagulgol na si Ishtar. The more I see tears flow down her eyes, the more rage I feel. Hinding-hindi ako makakaramdam ng awa sa kanya. Wala na akong maramdamang awa sa kanya. It was a miracle I haven't killed her from all the rage I feel right now.

"Lucius..." I heard Ada's soft voice. "Bitiwan mo na s'ya. Okay lang ako."

She gently put her hand over my hand that was gripping Ishtar's arm. Sa kabila ng higpit ng kapit ko ay magaan n'ya pa ring sinubukang alisin ang pagkakahawak ko kay Ishtar. The gentleness of her touch was so opposite from the roughness of my hand.

"Okay lang ako. Nandito pa 'ko," Ada tried to soothe me. "Sige na. Bitiw na. Nasasaktan mo na s'ya."

I know she was hurting as well as she tried to remove my hand. I glared at Ishtar before finally letting her go. Malakas s'yang napahagulgol at halos matumba pabagsak sa sahig sa rahas ng naging pagbitaw ko sa kanya at sa panghihina dahil sa pag-iyak.

"Leave," I warned her. "Leave before I kill you."

In her eyes full of tears, Ishtar looked at me. I looked back at her with coldness in my eyes. Sinulyapan n'ya si Ada bago walang salitang umalis sa shop.

I looked at Ada, surprised when I saw tears forming in the corner of her eyes. I panicked with the thought that Ishtar did hurt her other than the scratch on her face. Hinawakan ko s'ya sa balikat at tinitigan sa mga mata.

"Masakit ba?" I asked, talking about the scratch on her face. "Fuck, I'm sorry... I was late. Nasaktan ka n'ya."

Mariin s'yang umiling. Titig na titig s'ya sa 'kin at hindi ko alam kung ano'ng nakita n'ya dahil tuluyan na s'yang napaiyak.

"Hindi mo kasalanan..."

I shook my head.

"It was my fault. Hindi ka n'ya lalapitan kung hindi dahil sa 'kin." I gulped the pain in my chest.

"Hindi... Wala kang kasalanan. Hindi mo kasalanang nasugatan ako."

"She's always doing that," I said. "Always hurting the woman around me. She killed Angela because I fell in love with her. Kasalanan ko kung bakit s'ya nawala. Kasalanan ko kung bakit ka nasaktan."

"Lucius..."

Ada was already crying. Narinig ko pa ang paghikbi n'yang nagpasakit pa lalo sa dibdib ko. She took a step toward me. Inilapat n'ya ang palad sa dibdib ko, doon sa mismong tapat ng puso ko.

"Masakit ba?" she asked in between sobs. I knew she was asking about my heart. "Ikaw 'tong nasasaktan sa 'ting dalawa."

I was trying so hard not to let my emotions consume me. Kanina ko pa iyon ginagawa. I succeeded when I didn't kill Ishtar despite my rage. Pero siguro, dahil sa sakit kong kanina ko pa iniinda, hindi ko na iyon magawa ngayon.

In front of a stranger, in front of a woman I barely even know, I broke down. I cried so hard I began having a hard time breathing.

"It hurts," I breathe. "It hurts so fucking much."