Nakatulugan ko ang pag-iyak. Nalito pa ako sa paggising ko na ang sala ang nabungaran ko. Nakatulog pala ako sa sofa. I remember lying down here last night, feeling exhausted. I must've fallen asleep after that.

Bumangon ako at umupo para alisin ang antok sa diwa ko. I looked at the wall clock. It was already eight in the morning. Kapag hindi pa ako kumilos ay male-late ako sa shift ko.

Sighing, I stood up to start getting for work. Nagdalawang-isip pa ako kung kakain pa ba ako o hindi. I'm not hungry and don't have the energy to cook or prepare breakfast.

Pagod na pagod ako kagabi kaya rin siguro nakatulog na ako sa sofa. Pero hanggang ngayon ay ramdam ko pa rin ang pagod. But not as exhausted as yestesday. Kahit papaano, bumalik ang lakas ko nang makatulog ako.

And more importantly, my headache is gone. Ayoko pa naman talaga kapag sumasakit ang ulo ko. Nahihirapan akong kumilos.

I took a bath. Habang nagbibihis ako ay narinig ko ang pagtunog ng phone ko para sa isang tawag. Saka ko lang naalala na buong araw ko nga palang hindi hawak ang phone ko kahapon. Hinanap ko iyon at nakita na nasa ibabaw lang ng kama. I took it and checked who the caller was.

It was Larissa. Sasagutin ko na sana ang tawag pero biglang tumigil sa pagtunog ang phone ko. Saka ko lang nakita kung nakakailang tawag na ang kapatid ko. Twenty-seven missed calls. Tatawagan ko na sana s'ya pabalik pero biglang namatay ang phone.

Dead batt.

I checked the clock. Wala na akong oras para mag-charge pa ng phone kaya hinanap ko na lang ang charger at napagdesisyunan na sa clinic na lang ako magcha-charge. I put it in my bag and decided to go to work.

Napatigil pa ako sa harap ng apartment ni Gray nang mai-lock ko na ang pinto. I stared at it. Hindi ko alam kung nasa loob ba s'ya. Pero pakiramdam ko... wala

It feels like it has been so long since we have our last meal together. It's been so long since he last slept in my apartment. The warmth he left on my sofa was long gone now. Sa sobrang bilis ng mga pangyayari, pakiramdam ko, hindi talaga nangyari ang magagandang bagay na 'yon.

I sighed. Dumaan muna ako sa pinaglibingan kay Lilac. Kahit iyon ay hindi ko rin mapaniwalaan. Kung hindi lang sa lupang mukhang hinukay at sa maliit na kahoy na krus na nakatayo roon na ginawa pa ni Mang Gener, iisipin ko ring hindi talaga namatay si Lilac.

My first ever pet was gone.

There was a hollow in my chest when I got to work but I still tried to smile with the hospital staffs. Pero nang makapasok na ako sa clinic ay nawala ang ngiting iyon sa labi ko. Hindi ko rin alam kung nakailang beses na akong napabuntong-hininga. I was hoping it will help me take out of whatever I was feeling.

Tinawagan ko agad si Larissa nang magkaroon na ng sapat na battery charge ang phone ko. I wanted to talk to her. Baka sakali ring gumaan kahit papaano ang nararamdaman ko.

"Ate!" bungad agad ni Larissa pagkasagot sa tawag ko. Medyo pasigaw pa nga kaya nailayo ko muna ang phone sa tenga ko. "Mabuti naman at tumawag ka na! Nakailang tawag ako sa 'yo kahapon tapos patay na ang phone mo kanina!"

"Sorry, na-dead batt ako kanina," I said. Hindi ko na ipinaliwanag kung bakit hindi ko nasagot ang tawag n'ya kahapon. "Bakit nga pala tawag ka nang tawag?"

"Si Sir Ace, ate! Alam na n'yang nasa Negros ka! Papunta na nga d'yan!"

I sighed. Of course, she would tell me about this. Larissa never voiced out her dislike with Ace when I was still in Manila. Nagsimula lang noong nag-offer sa akin si Doc Evelyn na magtrabaho dito sa Negros. Kaya naman alam kong mag-aalala s'ya na alam na ni Ace na nandito ako.

So this is why she's been calling me. Kinabahan pa naman ako kanina. Naisip ko na may nangyari kay Mama o hindi kaya ay sa kanya kaya ganoon na lang karami ang missed calls n'ya.

"Nagkita na kami kagabi, Larissa," I said.

Ilang sandali s'yang natahimik sa kabilang linya. Hinayaan ko lang s'ya. Alam ko kasing nagulat s'ya. She called to warn me that Ace would be here, looking for me. Hindi n'ya siguro inaasahan na ganoon akong kabilis mahahanap ni Ace.

Hindi na rin naman ako nagulat. He could just go here in the hospital and asked for my papers. Ibibigay naman 'yon sa kanya. They knew that he is the son of the Callistos and the heir of the hospital.

"Okay ka lang ba, ate?" Rinig ko ang pag-aalala sa boses n'ya.

"Oo naman. Umalis naman s'ya kaagad. Pero plano ko s'yang kausapin mamaya."

"Hindi ka pinauwi dito?"

"Pinauwi. Pero susubukan kong ipaliwanag sa kanya lahat," I said. "Don't worry about me."

"Hindi ko lang maiwasan, ate. Sinusunod mo kasi lahat ng sinasabi ni Sir Ace. Alam ko naman kung bakit hindi ka makatanggi pero, ate... Hindi mo naman kailangang sundin lahat."

"I know..." tahimik kong sabi. "Don't worry. Kakausapin ko s'ya mamaya."

Ilang sandali pa kaming nagkausap bago namin tinapos ang tawag. Talking with my sister helped me a lot. Maayos kong nagawa ang trabaho ko nang walang ibang iniisip kundi ang pakikipag-usap ko sa kanya.

I never let my mind drift. Alam ko kasi kung saan lang mapupunta ang isip ko. I don't want to think about it for now. Ang gusto ko, maayos muna ang tungkol kay Ace. Kailangan ko s'yang mapabalik sa Manila.

Kanina ko pa t-in-ext si Ace na pwede na kaming mag-usap pagkatapos ng shift ko. Ang una n'yang plano ay mag-usap kami sa isang coffee shop, iyong walang masyadong tao. Pero tumanggi ako. The place was still too public for me. I want somewhere where we could talk more privately in case Ace might get too... controlling. Baka makakuha pa kami ng atensyon.

I want this to be done today. Plano kong kumbinsihin si Ace na bumalik sa Manila and the last thing I want was for us to grab attention while I was convincing him.

I suggested we should just talk in my apartment. I don't think Gray was in his apartment. Nang makauwi nga ako at sinubukang kumatok sa apartment n'ya, walang Gray na sumagot. And when I went in just to check on him, I didn't find him inside.

Where is he this time?

Half an hour since I got home when Ace arrived. He looked around the moment he went in. I was so sure that he might comment something about Gray not being here but he looked at me and raised an eyebrow instead.

"Nakapag-impake ka na ba?"

Hindi ko s'ya sinagot at tinitigan lang s'ya. I was trying to weigh his mood. But just before, kapag ganito ang ekspresyon n'ya, alam kong inaasahan n'yang susundin ko ang sasabihin n'ya.

But I already told myself I won't go back with him. Mom is getting better. Nagkakaroon na s'ya ng improvement at ayokong matigil iyon. Ayokong baliin ang usapan namin ni Doc Evelyn.

Isa pa, I don't want to leave Gray... I love him and I want to help him. I want him to be happy.

Ayokong s'yang pabayaan. I don't want him to feel alone again. Ayokong isipin n'yang mag-isa na naman n'yang haharapin ang lahat. He was suffering, alone. Mas pinili n'ya ang lumayo kaysa sa idamay ang mga tao sa paligid n'ya. I think that's also why he's been hiding. He doesn't want to burden his brother. He's guilty to whatever he did to him.

"Hindi ako nag-impake, Ace," I said. "I'm not going back."

Nangunot ang noo n'ya.

"What? Hindi ka na babalik sa Manila?"

"Babalik pa... Pero hindi pa ngayon, Ace. Not anytime soon. So you have to go back to Manila alone."

Hindi makapaniwalang napatingin s'ya sa akin. He didn't say anything. Nakatitig lang s'ya sa akin na para bang pilit n'yang iniintindi ang pagtanggi ko. He wasn't used of this. Lahat ng mga sinabi n'ya ay sinunod ko kaya naman nakakagulat ito para sa kanya.

"Doc Evelyn and I have a deal, Ace. We made a deal. Magtatrabaho ako sa branch ng hospital n'yo dito sa Negros kapalit ng ililipat n'ya si Mama sa mas magandang institution. Doon, mas matututukan s'ya. And my mom has made a great improvement ever since, Ace. Ayokong maputol 'yon."

"Then I'll just talk to mom. You don't have to work here just for that."

"I have to. It was part of the deal we made."

Napatitig lang ulit sa akin si Ace. There was this stubbornness in his eyes. Alam kong ipipilit n'ya pa rin ang gusto n'ya. Hindi ko rin naman inaasahan na magiging madali ang pag-uusap namin.

"Where's your room?" he asked. Nang hindi ako sumagot ay naglakad s'ya papaunta sa kwarto ko. "I'll pack your things. We're going home."

"Ace!" tawag ko sa kanya at napatayo na sa sofa.

I walked towards him and held his arm. Pinigilan ko s'ya sa paglapit sa kwarto ko. He was only a few steps away but I pulled him back like my life was depended on it.

"Ace, no! Ano ba?!"

Tumigil s'ya at lumingon sa akin. Nakita ko ang inis sa mga mata n'ya. Pero nagsisimula na rin akong mainis at hindi ko alam kung magiging maayos pa ba ang pag-uusap namin.

"We are going back, Rey! Babalik tayo sa Manila," mariin ang pagkakasabi n'ya.

"No! You have to stop! Hindi ito ang gusto ko!"

Napatigil s'ya. Magkasalubong ang mga kilay n'ya na para bang mas lalo pang naguluhan sa sinabi ko.

"You don't want to go back? What about your family? Don't you want to see them?"

Nanghihina akong napabuntong-hininga. Ang kamay kong nakahawak sa braso n'ya ay bumagsak sa gilid ko. 

"Of course, I want to see them. But that's not the point, Ace..."

"What do you mean 'that's not the point?' We could just go back, Rey!"

"May deal kami ni Doc Evelyn—"

"Then, I'll just talk to her!"

"No, Ace!" Nakasigaw na ako. "You don't understand!"

"Ikaw ang hindi nakakaintindi, Rey—"

"I want you to stop telling me what to do!"

Hinihingal ako pagkatapos sabihin iyon. Ang lakas din ng tibok ng puso ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Siguro ay dahil sa wakas, nailabas ko rin ang matagal ko nang gustong sabihin sa kanya noon.

Si Ace naman ay napatitig lang sa akin, nakatulala. Bahagya pang nakaawang ang mga labi n'ya. He looked surprised with my sudden outburst.

"You are too controlling, Ace... Too controlling na nakakasakal na." Pilit kong kinokontrol ang boses ko. "You're always telling me what to do, always telling me what to wear, always telling me whom I should talk to... Nakakapagod nang maging robot mo, Ace..."

Mas mukha s'yang nagulat ngayon. Ilang beses bumuka ang bibig n'ya pero isinasara n'ya rin. Mukhang hindi n'ya alam kung anong sasabihin.

"I'm not... I don't..."

Hinintay kong tapusin n'ya ang sasabihin n'ya pero wala na s'yang idinugtong. Halatang litong-lito s'ya. I never saw him this speechless before.

"It's okay..." I said. "I understand, Ace. Growing up, your parents gave you everything you want. Pambawi nila sa 'yo dahil pinag-aral ka nila sa ibang bansa and you grew up there alone. Nasanay kang binibigay at nakukuha mo ang lahat ng gusto mo."

Sobrang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko. Nanginginig din ang mga kamay ko. I felt my throat constricted, alam kong kaunti na lang ay maiiyak na ako. I should calm down. Kailangan kong masabi kay Ace ang lahat. Ngayong may lakas pa ako ng loob.

"That's why I understand why you're being like that, Ace. I totally understand. They gave you everything and you were used to getting everything you want."

Nararamdaman ko ang pag-iinit ng sulok ng mga mata ko. Gusto yata talagang lumabas ng mga luha ko kahit ano pang pagpipigil ko.

"But, Ace... I'm not a thing. I'm a human. A human with her own decision." May tumulong luha sa mga mata ko at mabilis ko iyong pinunasan. "You can't just tell me what to do. You can't just expect me to do the things you want."

"Rey..." halos hindi ko na  narinig na bulong n'ya sa pangalan ko.

"Hindi ko gustong magsuot ng mga dress para lang bumagay ako sa circle of friends mo. Para lang maging katulad ako ng mga sopistikadang girlfriend ng mga kaibigan mo."

I was already sobbing pero wala na akong pakialam. I want to let everything out. Baka sakaling gumaan naman ang pakiramdam ko.

"What I wanted to wear is a pair of jeans and a simple blouse. I wanted to wear comfortable clothes. I wanted to have my own circle of friends where I would feel comfortable by just being me. Iyong hindi ako matatakot kumilos bilang ako... kasi baka makagawa ako ng nakakahiyang bagay at mag-reflect pa 'yon sa 'yo. At ikaw pa ang mapapahiya."

"It won't..." sabi ni Ace pero nagpatuloy lang ako sa pagsasalita.

"I wanted to have male friends. I wanted to talk to anyone whom I wanted to talk. 'Yung hindi ako matatakot na baka magalit ka. I wanted to accept patients on my own. Gusto kong gawin ang lahat ng 'yon nang hindi na kailangan pang hingin ang permiso mo, Ace. I wanted to be free... Free from you."

His jaw clenched. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba nagagalit s'ya sa akin. But when I saw his struggle to swallow, I knew he's taking everything I'm saying.

"I'll be honest with you, Ace..." I looked at him straight in the eye kaya nakita ko ang paghihirap sa mga mata n'ya. "I was actually... grateful that Doc Evelyn offered me to work here in Negros. 'Cause that means that I could finally get away from you. Isa 'yon sa naging rason kung bakit tinanggap ko agad ang deal namin ng Mommy mo. I wanted to get away from you."

My chest was heaving up and down. Tuloy-tuloy na sa pagbuhos ang mga luha ko. But I'm not sad. Instead, I felt... relief. Gumaan ang pakiramdam ko kahit pa humihikbi na ako at masakit na rin ang dibdib ko.

This has been inside my chest for so many years. Ang akala ko, ayos lang sa akin na sundin ang mga gusto ni Ace. 'Cause he's the son of the Callistos, ang pamilyang tumulong sa amin ng kapatid ko noong walang-wala kami. Gusto kong bumawi. Kaya lahat ng gusto ni Ace ay sinunod ko.

Whenever he told me to change into a dress when I was wearing pants or jeans, I would just nod and will go back to my room to change. Whenever he gave a hint that he wanted us to get married someday, I would just smile and will not say anything.

Naipon lahat ng mga iyon sa dibdib ko, at ngayon... gumaan na ang pakiramdam ko.

Tinitigan ko si Ace. Nakita ko ang naging epekto sa kanya ng mga huling sinabi ko. He looked hurt but I didn't let myself feel guilty. For once, I wanted him to know what I really feel.

I was expecting him to get mad at me. Kapag kasama ko s'ya, I was always weighing my words. I didn't want to upset him. Pero ngayon, hindi ko pinili ang mga sinabi ko.

"This is the second time," he said after a while.

"What?"

"That you told me what you wanted... The first time was yesterday... when you wanted me to leave."

I didn't know that he was aware of that.

"I never had an idea that you felt that way..." mahinang sabi n'ya. "You must've felt horrible when you were with me."

I blinked. Ibang Ace ang nakikita ko ngayon. His shoulders were slumped. Mahina rin ang bawat salitang sinasabi n'ya. Ibang-iba sa kung paano talaga s'ya magsalita.

He was always so sure of what he's saying, always confident. And that was one of the things I admire about him.

Pero ngayon...

"No, Ace..." I said. "Naiintindihan kita—"

"Stop," putol n'ya sa sasabihin ko sana. "Don't try to make me feel any better than this. 'Cause, it won't work."

"No. Listen to me," mariin ang pagkakasabi ko. "I'm not trying to make you feel better. Sinasabi ko lang na naiintindihan kita. Hindi mo rin kailangang isisi sa 'yo ang lahat dahil may kasalanan din naman ako, Ace. Hindi ko rin kasi sinabi sa 'yo ang lahat ng 'to."

"But I shouldn't have controlled you, Rey... I should've been aware of what you feel."

"Nasanay kang sinusunod ang mga gusto mo, Ace. That's why you became... controlling. I should've told you what I really feel. That's on me."

Mapait s'yang ngumiti sa akin.

"I assume you did what I wanted 'cause I'm my parents' son? Hindi ka makatanggi kasi gusto mong makabawi sa mga itinulong nila. And all this time, ang tingin mo lang sa akin ay anak ng mga amo mo."

"Ace..."

"Did you even treat me as your friend?" kitang-kita ko ang sakit sa mukha n'ya ng itinanong n'ya iyon.

"Of course... Of course, Ace."

"Do you hate me?"

Mabilis akong umiling.

"No. I don't hate you. You're a good man, Ace."

He's a good man. Kahit kailan, hindi ako nagalit kay Ace. He was controlling but he's always there for me. Naalala ko noong tinulungan n'ya ako sa pag-aaral ko. Kahit noong bago pa lang akong nagtatrabaho sa hospital, he helped me adjust with my new life.

"That's good," he said and he let out a shaky breath. "That's good."

"Please, don't hate your mom, Ace. She just wanted what's the best for you. Ginusto ko rin naman 'to."

Hindi s'ya sumagot at tumango lang. He was just looking at me the whole time and I saw a raw emotion in his eyes. He was hurting, hurting that he knew he was losing something.

"I am thankful to your mom that she gave me this offer. She's a good person. At maswerte kang s'ya ang ina mo, Ace... Maswerte ka na meron kang mga magulang na handang ibigay ang lahat sa 'yo. Please, don't take them for granted."

He nodded. Nginitian ko s'ya.

"And maybe... try to do something for them. They'll appreciate that."

"I will, Rey..."

Mas lumawak ang pagkakangiti ko sa kanya. He smiled back pero hindi umabot iyon sa mga mata n'ya.

"I'm sorry, Rey..." he softly said. There was regret in his eyes.

"It's okay..."

"No, it' not." Umangat ang kamay n'ya, parang hahawakan ako pero hindi itinuloy at ibinaba na lang. "I'm sorry for making you feel that way. I'm sorry that you wanted to get away because of me."

May sasabihin sana ako pero umiling s'ya, pinipigilan akong magsalita. Itinikom ko na lang ang bibig ko at hinayaan s'ya.

"I feel like a jerk," he said. "Can I even make it up to you?"

"You don't have to, Ace. Sinabi ko namang naiintindihan kita."

He gave me a sad smile.

"This is one of the reasons why I like you, Rey... You're too kind."

"Nasaktan kita."

"But I've been hurting you. Nang hindi ko alam." He sighed. "I want to make it up to you, Rey... This time, 'yung gusto mo naman ang susundin ko."

"Ace—"

"Let me... This will be the last time that I'll bother you. So tell me what you want."

I stared at him. His eyes were begging. Parang nagmamakaawang sabihin ko sa kanya ang gusto ko. 'Cause he needs it.

He was hurting. Itinatago n'ya pero alam kong sobra s'yang nasasaktan. He was hurting that he hurt me.

Hindi ko naman s'ya ginustong saktan. I just wanted him to understand everything. But I guess, we couldn't just avoid it.

"Then..." I pursed my lips. "It might not be good since hindi pa ako nagtatagal na magtrabaho dito but... Can I ask for a one-week leave? I just... I have something to do."

Gray... I want to help him.

Mabilis na tumango si Ace.

"Of course... Sa tingin ko papayag din naman si mommy. You never used your leave even before, Rey... So for that, I'll give you a month's leave with pay."

Nagulat ako doon at mabilis na umiling.

"What? Isang linggo lang, Ace!"

"A month, Rey... Just let me do this. I promise that this will be the last time. And you need a good rest."

Aangal pa sana ko pero naisip ko rin, hindi sapat ang isang linggo. I might need a long time for this, even longer that a month. Isa pa, sa tingin ko ay determinado rin si Ace na isang buwan ang ibigay sa akin.

Okay... This will be the last time I'll let him.

I took a deep breath and nodded.

"Okay. Last time, Ace."

Mukha namang nakahinga nang maluwag si Ace. He gave me a small smile.

"That man... is he letting you wear comfortable clothes?"

Nagulat ako sa tanong n'ya. Pero maya-maya ay tumango rin ako at napangiti.

"He's letting me do everything I want. And I'm comfortable with him..."

Napatango-tango s'ya. Then he chuckled softly.

"So I guess, no more free sessions for me, huh?"

"Ace... You can still tell me your problems. We're friends."

Napangiti s'ya.

"Thank you... Again, I'm sorry for everything." He chuckled. "I have to go back. Don't worry about your mother and your sister. I'll look out for them."

Tumango ako. "Take care, Ace."

"Take care, Rey..."

Isang oras nang makaalis si Ace ay nakaupo pa rin ako sa sofa. I was glad that everything turned out fine. Hindi man naging maganda noong una, but still... naging maayos ang resulta ng pag-uusap namin ni Ace.

He really is a good man. Alam ko naman iyon. Nasanay lang talaga s'yang kontrolado n'ya ang lahat. He just needed someone to tell him that his controlling behavior was too much.

Now, I know he will do something about it.

Kinuha ko ang phone ko at ang calling card na nasa wallet ko pa. I don't have time to waste. Tinawagan ko kaagad ang numerong nakalagay doon. Nakailang ring lang nang may sumagot sa tawag ko.

"Hello?" Babae ang sumagot.

"Uhm... May I speak with Mr. Hunter Sanford?"

"Who is this?"

"I'm Reyziel. Gray's—"

"Oh, yes, it's you!" she squealed. Nagtunog excited ang boses n'ya na kanina lang ay nahimigan ko ng katarayan. "Hunter told me about you! Oh, silly me, where are my manners? I'm Artemis. His wife!"

"Oh..." Napangiti ako. "Hello, Mrs. Sanford. May I speak to your husband?"

"Of course! Oh my gosh. Wait, wait. He's downstairs, eh. I'll just—"

Nakarinig ako ng mga kaluskos mula sa kabilang linya. Naghintay lang ako. narinig ko pa ang excited na boses ni Artemis nang sabihin n'ya sa asawa n'ya kung sino ang tumawag. Sunod ko nang narinig ay ang boses ni Hunter.

"Hello? Reyziel?"

"Yes. Uhm..."

"May problema ba? May nangyari ba kay Gray?"

"No," mabilis kong sabi. Narinig ko kasing ang kaunting panic sa boses n'ya. "Can we... talk in person again? May mga gusto lang akong sabihin... at itanong."

"Of course. When? Just set a time and date."

"On Sunday? After lunch. Same place."

"Alright. See you."

"See you, Mr. Sanford."

"Just call me by name, Reyziel. You're my brother's girlfriend."

Napangiti ako doon.

"See you, Hunter."