Heavy - Linkin Park

Warning: I'm not sure what to say for the warning, but I do know I have to put it. Perhaps an emotional negative trigger or negative thinking.

Please just be careful please.

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Is this what it feels like?

Cold? Maybe?

To be living but not feeling alive that is. To breathe but not feel like you're breathing? To look out the window and not even feel happy for the sunny days, looking forward to the cloudy ones since that feels as though the sky is finally crying?

It's funny really, when they say this numbness will go away within time; With therapy. With medication. If only it was that easy for Jimin.

Find a passion, they would tell him.

Look for that hope to guide you away from those harsh thoughts.

But what if there isn't any?

Jimin has tried. He can get the best scores in his classes, be on top of his team, and wear a bright smile on his face just like how he wears his clothes; Yet he will still feel..... Empty.

Yet he can't deny, there's been good moments, like the moments he spends with his brother whenever he would visit, or the moments where he's running and feels nothing but the ache of his muscles; just blocking out any emotional distress for a moment.

How long does he have to wait?

Days? Months? Years?

How long before he touches the light and leaves this world?

Jimin doesn't want to live another day anymore. It has grown to the point he can't even imagine himself in the future, nor does he want to. This need to disappear from life, to find peace, has grown too great.

Is that being selfish?

To want to be gone from life to stop the pain?

Jimin thinks this question over and over again in his head as he stares out the window of his room, feeling the numbness of the cloudy day settle in his fragile heart.

They always say to live for your loved ones so you won't cause them pain, but has anyone ever cared about his pain?

His torment?

His struggle?

Why should he be considerate about someone else while they were never considerate for him?

Shouldn't they be happy that he would be gone? No more stressed calls to hear his annoying voice because the loneliness felt too overwhelming. The fake smiles he gives off will finally be gone, not deceiving anyone anymore. No one will have to worry, as if they ever did.

Either Jimin has became a great actor or no one just...... Cares.

Maybe he's too good at lying now.

That's the thing with happiness the reason he's afraid to touch on; Its only temporary. Happiness is only an excuse to raise up hope and expectations before it just gets completely shattered before ones eyes.

Living now feels like drowning.

And the surface just feels all too far away from reach.

It's one's own personal suicide; Living day by day unhappy, that feels like dying itself.

There's no relief to that though, only.... Numbness.

Jimin continues to stare out of his window, the knot growing in his throat to seeing the children playing on the grass of the playground under the rain with bright smiles reaching their cheeks.

Feeling effortlessly free.

Oh how nice it must feel to be free.

Must be.... Blissful.

It's amusing to think that by this point people probably think 'If there were more people around, maybe he wouldn't feel like this' or perhaps they think that he's begging for anyone to notice the pain he's in.

It's not true.

Maybe at first Jimin would be upset over the circulating thoughts that no one noticed, let alone care, but now..... Now he just wants to be alone.

He doesn't want anyone to notice anymore.

What's the point? They won't ever understand if they're not in his shoes.

Jimin just wants to go.

He wants to go home.

He wants to see his parents.

He can't take being here anymore, he just can't.

The tight knot on his throat tightens and Jimin could feel the warm tear sliding down his cheek, moving his eyes over the bars on the window with wobbling lips.

A prisoner he is to die, just like he's a prisoner to his own mind.

Now he can't escape.

Now...... He's forced to suffer this agony alone and every day, just until he can mask a smiling face to leave quickly.

All he has to do is be happy and Taehyung can kill him. Just like he promised. Sure he might regret it at the moment it happens, but Jimin knows deep down inside he will still be grateful.

Taehyung would be complete with his quest and his promise.

That's the only source of hope Jimin can cling onto now, and then this will all finally stop.

For good.

What a relief.

Warm arms suddenly coats over his waist from behind, laying a chin on his shoulder blade with a small sway from the body behind Jimin's.

"A penny for your thoughts?"

Jimin doesn't even shiver anymore by the sound of Taehyung's voice. Nothing sweeps through his body actually, a blink of fear or a trembling sensation of paranoia, it's gone.

It's nothing.

Just emptiness.

Ha, even his thoughts are blank.

Maybe it's the feeling of nothing what feels overwhelming to him?

Such a sad thought to think about actually.

"Nothing," Jimin mutters quietly, moving away from Taehyung's arms and goes to his bed, laying down with his back turned towards him, "I'm tired, I'm get some sleep."

"You already slept for majority of the whole day."

Jimin squeezes his eyes shut to his low tone and buries himself deeper under the covers, "I know."

It would be such a dream if Jimin can wake up and not be alive anymore. A blissful dream. Unfortunately life just doesn't like him enough to grant his wish. He will only wake up, be in this same never ending cycle all over again.

Torturing his mind everyday with his every breath he exhales.

However, he didn't feel all so cold.

No..... He didn't.

Once again is Jimin engulfed in warmth when the bed dips behind him, yanking back into a sturdy chest with arms over his shoulders like a protective shield from the world.

Or a cage to not be free.

And just for a small moment.... Jimin didn't feel so heavy.

"Sleep as much as you want tiny," Taehyung whispers against his neck, "Turn around."

It took Jimin a moment to go over his thoughts, debating and gives up, turning around to face directly to Taehyung's expressionless face. It's the type of face that holds no emotions, maybe anger or a sadistic smile of hidden desires, but never something so genuine.

It still remains like this, as if it would ever change.

A psychopath isn't only a charming person, but excellent actors and manipulators. It comes easy, more so because they don't care.

Jimin could read through that in Taehyung's eyes after years of studying psychopathology for his classes. Now Taehyung is playing the role of being the actor to lure; fuck with Jimin's head as though he feels any source of empathy, taking advantage of his sensitivity to fall for his trap.

In this way Jimin would let his guard down, just so Taehyung can continue to use him under his control all over again.

Like a pretty doll to him.

And....... Jimin lets it happen.

He lets Taehyung lean over and softly capture his lips over his. He lets his hand hurtful trail to his back, where the multiple wounds are scared on his back from Taehyung's own brutal hands, and sets his palm the lower of his back. He doesn't stop his lips moving against his, feeling the cold emptiness in his heart with the weight of giving up from fighting choking his neck.

Jimin lost this battle.

He can't continue fighting with his horrid demons of depression anymore.

Seeing how Jimin gives into him drove Taehyung to part away from him, studying the emptiness behind his eyes.

Reflecting his own right back.

Jimin just wants to feel warm for a moment, just to feel as though he isn't physically alone.

So in the arms of his abuser, he leans more and nuzzles his face against his neck, reluctantly wrapping his arms around his waist as he brings their bodies close to a no gap.

Lonely.... Even while holding onto another human body, Jimin still feels lonely.

What a curse it is to feel like this.

Taehyung evidently tenses up in his arms, not expecting this type of vulnerability from the other male as he looks down at Jimin in confusion. Usually Jimin is one to push him away, scream for him not to touch him.

He's that broken?

It stayed like this for a while of Taehyung not moving, not until Jimin's heavy breathes caresses against his skin in his sleep.

The last thing feeling before sinking into darkness is an arm protectively wrapping around his body with another on his neck, embracing him tightly to the warmness of the body.

Yet it still felt empty.

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A/N:
Jimin's emotions in this chapter..... Is just saw raw of emotions. No pun intended on that, I actually mean it. It's so painful and just.... Wow.

And that last moment ah.... Where he just.... Gave up.... You can just feel it.... As though he doesn't care anymore.... I'm sad now :(

Please don't try to romanticize this chapter. This holds so so much more of a deeper meaning than that. This isn't about romance, it's about how Jimin just.... Gave up; with feeling anything at all. He's at a very fragile and sensitive spot and Taehyung isn't exactly the best bet for comfort.

Let's see what happens in the future.

I PURPLE YOU LOVELIES! <33