Isn't it wonderful what human tenacity can achieve? Take me for example. The horrible natured, awfully lazy woman, who has always been kicked in the ass to combine her god-given talents with at least a minimal effort. With no result, if I may add, although it's probably not a secret to anyone by now. I've been always told: You can do it, you are full of possibilities, why don't you utilize them? Nah. Wrong approach, I've always worked the other way around.

Take this particular evening, for example. After the marching, we entered our bedroom in a living dead state, kicked our dirty clothes off ourselves, and fell into the bed in our underwear. But there was so much left to do. Showering, insulting each other with Kati and preparing for the night party. But nope, at the moment our body and mind weren't exactly on friendly terms with each other. And of course, by every single logical reason, a lazy, eternal underachiever like me should've given up on all her plans for the night. You can do it, Fanny, you got this! Nope. Wrong approach.

Have corpses existed that were in better shape than I was at this moment? Yup. Did I eagerly await for the soothing of death? Was it even a question? But would I have admitted these, when on beds close to me laid the love of my life, and the woman I despised the most at the moment? What kind of puny loser would do such a thing? It's not like I was headstrong, or something, but probably the only reason we haven't sent men to Mars yet is because nobody told me I can't do it.

You can do this Fanny, I believe in you. Wrong fucking approach. You are not good enough, you filthy shit. That's what I need for motivation!

It took minutes till I managed to breathe some life into the others, starting with Adri. With awfully slow and painful moves she got up, wrapped a towel around her body, and went to the bathroom. A minute later I followed her. After our conversations, these were the best parts of my days. I didn't dare to always shower with her because I was afraid it would quickly become suspicious. But we showered together more times than not. And I was ashamed of myself for it. Not because of the time we spent together, but for the fact that I was checking her out in the shower every single time. I've never done such a thing before because I always tried my best to avoid justifying any of the negative stereotypes about lesbians. But with Adri, I failed. I knew I shouldn't do it, yet I always searched for the opportunity to admire every single square centimeter of her body.

I stepped into the shower. It had two separate stalls and Adri already occupied the first one. On my way to the second, I took a peek at her wonderfully full bottom, then as she was turning, I had a glimpse of her shapely breasts and diligently trimmed pubes too. For a second, I lost my breath, but I managed to quickly regain it and continue my stride to the hanger before it became too apparent. I hung my towel and stepped into the stall. Despite the freezing November night, and the tiring day out in the cold, I turned the shower down to the coldest setting possible. I needed a clear head, and now clear was the least accurate expression about it. I had one last glimpse of Adri when she left the shower, but after that, I could finally turn my full attention to finally getting clean.

By the time I finished, the others were almost ready to move out. I was so deep in my head, I didn't realize so much time passed. As I looked around, everyone was almost ready to leave, except for Adri, who was running even more behind than I was.

"Kitten! I thought we agreed on we'd have the party of the decade tonight," I looked at her scoldingly.

"I know, I know, don't worry," she smiled. "I'll be a little late, but I'll be going for sure."

"Late? No-no. I know you well enough to know, if I don't drag you there, you won't be coming."

"I will, I promise. Laci told me he'd call me back, but as soon as I talk to him, I'll come."

Laci was Adri's fiancé. He worked at some multinational corporation in the middle management. He had to do lots of after-hours work so he could get higher on the corporate ladder. It felt like one of those oh-so-typical cover stories that men use to cover their infidelity, but judged by Adri's description about him, Laci seemed like a decent guy.

I quickly got myself together, so I could leave to the pub with the others. From the door, I looked back at Adri who was lazily lying on her bed.

"Don't bail out of this, Kitten."

"I won't. I'll go, I promise," she said with a wide smile on her face. I had no doubt she meant it, but I was under no illusion that she would do it in the end.

***

HEMO was the local pub for soldiers, although this statement has a few inaccuracies. First, it wasn't exclusively for soldiers, anybody who wanted to get drunk could enter. Still, if there weren't civilian guests, that wouldn't dethrone the place as the most thriving pub in the city. Second, calling it a pub is also not that precise. In fact, it would be hard to describe what it was precisely. The closest to the truth would be some strange mixture of a pub, a restaurant, and a venue. Pub, because naturally they served alcohol on the first floor, and except for the bartender, you could hardly meet anyone sober here after 10 PM. Restaurant, because the kitchen in the basement belonged to a pizza delivery service that had half of its orders from either the pub upstairs or the base two hundred meters down the road. And venue, as the first floor was divided into two halves, and when these were opened together it was big enough to hold a wedding of about 80-100 guests.

Even if its nature was hard to describe, at least its name was a much easier case. In the communist times, it used to mean the abbreviation of 'garrison cultural center'. I couldn't tell if this particular building ever served in that purpose, and I honestly can say cultural wasn't a fitting adjective about its current use, but it delivered perfectly the pre-fall of the Berlin Wall era milieu. Not like I mean it in a good way.

I couldn't call the place unclean or something, but its atmosphere wasn't exactly the kind that a girl, who was merely in kindergarten during the democratic transformation would look for. At least not in a sober state, but I spent a minimal amount of time here sober.

And I didn't plan it otherwise this night either. Entering the establishment my nose immediately picked up the scent that only buildings from the communist era emitted. It's not smelly, or something, it's just different than what I was used to. The music was loudly audible even here in the wide spiral staircase, and while my highly decorated metal chick ears have never minded loud music, this noise didn't resemble any kind of actual music to me. There is this music genre in Hungary that's called wedding rock, which is baffling as the only similarity between this and actual rock is both have musicians, and at least one singer. It's basically Hungarian rollicking songs orchestrated to modern instruments which is much less appealing than you'd think. Honestly, the only reason I didn't stick a nail in my eardrums was that I didn't want this to be the last thing I've ever heard.

Leaving the staircase I entered the pub section. The lack of a welcoming atmosphere was further worsened by the fact that the place resembled an awfully decorated wedding venue more than an actual pub. As it was cut into two halves, this part was long and relatively narrow. On one side the tables were pulled together in a line, and the lights were so bright like they were trying to hold classes here instead of providing the dim environment a decent pub needs.

But, as I mentioned, these things were bothering only in a sober state, so as soon as I passed the swing-door, I hurried to the bar next to it.

"The usual?" yelled the bartender when going through the line she got to me.

I shook my head.

"No," I yelled back. "Bailey's!"

"Bailey's?"

I nodded and showed her my fingers.

"Four!"

After a few seconds of work, she presented a whiskey glass, and in it, four shots of Bailey's poured together. Usually, I was more of a whiskey type, but this night the goal was to drink myself brave, not in the state where I can't remember the next day how I got back to my bed. It did happen a week earlier, so I talk out of the experience.

The feeling of the sweet, smooth liquor fondling down my throat was so soothing, it called for an immediate repeat. I downed this first glass so quickly, that the bartender couldn't even turn to the next customer before I asked her for a next round.

I was more moderate with this second glass, but even such a delicious drink couldn't make the wedding rock a bearable thing to my ears.

I tried to mingle with the others since almost all the company was partying there, but this was one of the rare occasions when I wasn't successful in doing it. What I was successful in, was getting another four shots of Bailey's in every quarter of an hour. I would have a hard time deciding if it was worse for my wallet or my brain functionality, but most certainly didn't do any good for either.

After about one and a half hour of unavailing waiting, I took out my phone and called Adri.

"Hey, Fanny," she said immediately from the other side of the line. "I'm really sorry, but I can't make myself leave the base."

"O-okay, Kitten," I forced more or less comprehensible words out of my mouth. "I'm not mad."

"I really meant when I said I would go, but I just can't. Next time, okay?"

"Okay, Kitten, next time. Bye," I tattered.

I don't know what was I thinking when I let her stay behind. I knew exactly this would happen.

I grabbed my stuff and stumbled back to the base. I didn't need any more liquid courage, but I could've used a rail to lean on for the whole way. I clumsily went up the stairs to our floor, and when I passed the faculty room, I heard sounds emerge from the inside. I peeked in, and there I found Adri watching some movie in her nightie. Probably that was the last thing my drunk, tired, crazy in love, and sexually frustrated mind needed. Especially because I knew Adri didn't wear anything under it.

"Hey," she smiled.

God, she's so adorable, and now I'm about to make her world collapse. - I would've thought if I had the ability of thinking at that moment.

"You set me up," I sighed as I collapsed on the chair next to her.

"I know, and I'm so sorry. I really wanted to go, but as I was laying on the bed, I lost all my drive to leave. Please don't be mad at me."

"I won't. You know me, I'm not the type to hold a grudge."

"You haven't talked to that boy from the second platoon ever since the first week."

"Yeah, but he grabbed my ass. That's a whole other situation."

"You two were dancing, and he was wasted."

"So was I, yet I didn't grab his."

"I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have minded it," said Adri and immediately burst out laughing. I couldn't help but join her.

"What are you doing, by the way?" I asked after we calmed down a bit.

"Watching a movie."

"Is it any good?"

"Nah," she shook her head. God, she was like shampoo commercial level sexy as her hair flew in the air.

It was followed by a short silence. I was able to hold myself together enough to form more or less coherent sentences, but it didn't mean I also had the capability of thinking. I had no idea how to bring the topic up, but we know the liquid courage has never been bothered by such trivialities.

"You asked me if I was into any of the guys in our company," I said to break the silence.

"Yes. Why? Did something happen in the HEMO?" she winked.

I felt so stupid. It was everything but the proper way of bringing this up. If I hadn't been drunk, I'm sure I would've done differently. On second thought, I needed to get drunk even to dare bringing this up, so I guess it's a catch-22.

"No. You know... we talked a lot about this, and..." I paused. Stupid words that don't want to come in your mouth when you need them the most.

"You always avoided to answer. I noticed. Whoever the guy is, I thought you had a good reason not to talk about him. Is it Zsolti? Oooh, I hope it's Zsolti," she said eagerly.

Zsolti was one of our instructors during the training, and basically, all the girls were drooling over him.

"No, it's not him. This... this is what I wanted to talk about. So..." I sighed, "there is not a single guy."

"How do you mean?" she looked at me puzzled. "You must be into somebody if you act so strange about it."

Yes, you - I thought, but fortunately, I wasn't nearly drunk enough to lose all the filter between my brain and mouth.

"It's not about that... it's..." I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "I'm not into guys at all."

In an instant, her legs she kept conveniently on a chair in the next row, jerked back to her chest like a shield, and she crossed her arms over them. Her behavior shifted from friendly to defensive in a second.

"Do you mean... do you mean that you're a lesbian?" she asked accusingly.

"Are you mad at me?"

"When we go to the shower together..."

"I don't!" I answered quickly because I knew all too well what she was going to ask. I knew because I've been asked the same question numerous times, and the worst of all, in Adri's case, the suspicion was perfectly justified. "I have never stared at you. I mean... just because I'm a lesbian, I won't be a perverted voyeur." No, I'm being that is completely unrelated to that I'm a lesbian - I continued the sentence in my thoughts.

She looked at me silently for some very long seconds, and if I were religious, this would've been the moment when I began to pray for her to speak. Everything would've been better than this silence.

"Why... why did you wait so long to tell? And if you waited, why did you tell it at all?"

"Because at first, I was afraid of what you would say. I was afraid everyone would learn it, and I'd be an outcast."

"And aren't you afraid of it anymore?"

"I am, but if you look a bit closer..." I lowered my voice like I was going to tell a secret "I'm a bit tipsy at the moment."

"Okay, but why did you tell it now?"

"Because we get along so well, and I figured I don't want to build our friendship on a lie."

"When you say friendship..." she left the sentence open.

"I mean friendship. I know, this must be hard to believe it now, but I'm the same girl you believed I was five minutes ago."

Instead of an answer, I got another long stare.

"You do know that... I'm not attracted to women, right?"

"You made that clear very early."

"And when we talk so much, you don't think... you don't think there could be more between us, right?"

"I do not. I promise I have no ulterior motives."

She studied me with distrust in her eyes. I've never seen her like that.

"Why should I believe you?"

"All I can give you is my word for it. If I planned to hit on you, I wouldn't have come out to you now."

She was staring into the emptiness and breathed heavily. I couldn't tell if she was angry, disappointed, anxious or all of them together, but my heart was pounding so hard, it barely could stay in my chest.

"Look" I continued with a trembling voice. "I-I know I dumped it on you unexpectedly, but I'd like to be your friend, and that's not possible if I keep such a huge secret from you."

"That's... that's understandable, but I don't know what to say now."

"You don't have to say anything, just let everything stay the same as it was. You know me, you know what kind of girl I am, please don't change your opinion about me just because I'm into women."

"I'm sorry, but I really need time to process it," she closed the conversation down. She got up and walked to the door.

"Please, don't tell this to the others," I begged her before she left the room.

"I won't," she said wryly.

I held myself together while I heard her steps echoing in the hall, but as soon as the silence took over the building, I burst out crying. "I fucked this up so badly!"

I don't know for how long I wept there like a baby, but it took quite a long time to pick myself up. I tumbled through the dark hall to our room and entered. Adri was still awake, but as soon as she saw it was me, she turned away from the door. I was once again close to crying, but I managed to overcome it.

She really does hate me!

I walked to my bed got rid of my clothes and collapsed on it in my underwear. I tried to sleep, but dreamland was busy avoiding me. When the others got back an hour later, I was still wide awake. It was almost 2 AM when I finally managed to fall asleep.