Omg. Planes. Where to freaking start? The amazingly spacious toilets with the seriously subtle flush? The adorable baby who loves the sound of their own voice? Or the 5 star plane flood that unfortunately misses out on my top 10 dishes of all time?

Okay let's address the major elephant in the room. Or the cabin. You know, given we're talking about planes and all. The bathroom facilities. The whole toilet situation is the most awkward thing about a plane flight. It doesn't help that the bathroom is probably about the size of a bath-tub. It's basically hell compacted into a metre squared cubicle with really rough paper towels and a toilet flush that gives vacuum cleaners a serious run for their money when it comes to the most agitating suction sounds of all time. And don't even get me started on plane periods. I mean, if that screaming baby and lack of available pizza isn't enough to kickstart your PMS, a plane bathroom definitely is. I don't know about anyone else but I spend a whole 10 minutes trying to figure out exactly where I'm supposed to put my sanitary items and then spend another 5 wondering how it gets out of the plane. I sincerely hope that no pedestrians are harmed, traumatised or attacked by parachuting pads being ejected out of planes in any airline's sanitary efforts.

Screaming babies, you're up next. I mean to all the under ones out there, I feel you. Being strapped to your mummy on a flight that makes it seem like you've got popcorn partying in your ears, can't be all that fun. But please understand that when the pilot says TAKE OFF, he's referring to the plane and NOT your vocal cords. To be honest, there's not that much fun to hearing a one year old's cover of the vocals in the latest Heavy Metal hit single. But, in all fairness, it must be pretty scary for a little kid to be a couple of thousand feet in the air with no Peppa Pig episodes to be seen. After attacking the noisy babies category, I think it's only fair that the tantruming toddlers get an honourable mention. I mean, I can't be the only person on a plane who's endured a three year old throwing popcorn onto my head for the entire duration of a long flight? Seriously, does my head look that much like a basketball hoop? Well, in that case, this little Michael Jordan scored about 342 basketball points from the two point line. And unfortunately, there were no rebounds. In any case, suffice to say, that children and planes are NEVER a good idea.

By the way, while we're on the whole plane subject, I think it's time that we talk about the whole customs process. Now, I understand that nobody wants a serial killer on their plane, or a terrorist for that matter. But, seriously? My 5cm tweezers? My poor, innocent tweezers? I have to dispose of them because I might have the intention to hack someone to death? Well, in that case, let's get rid of any cardboard or paper that people are carrying, because some sly 8 year old might be plotting mass death by paper-cut. I mean, it's just as possible. But, in saying this, I don't want to sound like the world's biggest jerk, because that belongs to the category of people that I'll be describing next. I mean, if it means no terrorists and no plane problems, I'm all good with missing out on my favourite pair of tweezers.

The world's biggest jerk mentioned above? Well that's the ray of sunshine I'm about to describe. Now, to that lady who insists on wearing every piece of metal she owns through the metal detector in airports, I have beef with you. Serious beef. Like, two-hundred-and-thirty-four-tonne-bull kind of beef. How can you be aware that you and every other person in an unbelievably long queue are about to board a flight and then knowingly wear 300 gold bangles, 400 silver anklets and 233 bobby pins through customs? Because seriously, if you're enough of a jerk to do that, then you deserve to be stuck next to a gigantic magnet where all of your expensive accessories can be pulled right off you and melted into something beneficial. Like better plane wifi. Because honestly, in all the time it takes for you to de-metal yourself, I can probably build a plane, find a pilot, fly all the way to Antarctica and take some selfies with the polar bears. I hate to break it you, but if I have more faith in my plane-building skills than I do in you, then there's a massive problem. Like almost as massive as your score on the forever-pissing-me-off scale....