-

There was only ever one thing my father said that actually meant something to me.

'Son, in whichever battle comes your way, know this. The first man to hesitate, loses.'

Then he'd grab me by the shoulder and I'd falter on uncertain legs.

See, I used to think he was threatening me – it wasn't hard to believe because as sure as the sun lights the sky, all my battles began and ended with my father. 

I didn't know it then but I knew it now.

Between slurred speeches and blackouts, he was teaching me. He knew that hesitation only translates to fear and uncertainty.

And no one ever won anything while they were scared and unsure.

So it was simple - you hesitate, you lose.

No matter what, losing wasn't an option for me – I wanted to be somebody to Alice, there was no doubt about that.

So why was I hesitating?

-

"Johnathon Ryder, you're putting a hole in my carpet. I said to sit down and I mean now!" Sam's wife Shannon bellows from her place on the coach.

I've been pacing her living room floor for a solid half an hour, lingering over speeches that my father would never remember making and surely her patience had run dry.

Shannon was as beautiful as she was funny, the belle of the ball.

Simply stunning with tightly coiled brown tresses that framed her heart-shaped face, accentuated by hazel eyes as rich as sweetened coffee and lips as red as cherries.

The woman was no doubt a prize.

Although she was no pushover, in fact, whether Sam believed it or not, she wore the pants in their marriage and she wore them well.

Shannon, one of the only angels that didn't live in heaven, treated me as if I was one of her own kids. 

Most Saturdays she'd have me come over for breakfast, often conning me into staying for lunch and every last Sunday of the month I'd be here to set the table for family dinner.

A family dinner – there's a concept that threw me for a loop the first four or five times Shannon had me over.

The idea of two people still in love with each other after so many years – the idea that their kids and grandkids actually drove an hour or two to come and see them?

Yeah, Sam and Shannon gave me the chance to experience the apple pie life and for that alone I was grateful.

I don't know if it was the weight of my thoughts or Shannon's demanding glare but I finally plop down onto the couch, leaning my head onto her arm.

"Why is everything so damn hard?" I find myself mumbling into her sleeves.

She only laughs soft and sweet while running her fingers over my hair as I relax into her side. "It's hard because you make it hard. I don't see the problem, Johnny."

I lean away from her warm hold, ready to tell her how big of a problem there is, but just one of her glares makes my mouth snap close and instead, I find myself wondering how Sam ever wins any arguments against a powerhouse like her.

"Johnathon, I said, I don't see a problem. Therefore, there is no problem. The girl said to call her, so call her, it's that simple."

It should have been simple but nothing ever worth your time is simple. What would I say to her?

"From what Sam tells me, she seems to be quite smitten with you too." Shannon muses.

But I spent forever trying to work up the courage just to speak with her and that went so bad she thought I was mute.

I can only imagine what an idiot I'd be over the phone at the first sound of her sweet voice.

"The boy is hopeless, honey, trust me, I've tried." Sam strolls into the living room, skillfully carrying a tray of teacups and sandwiches he spent his Saturday afternoon preparing.

He hands a cup of herbal tea to Shannon before placing the tray on the mahogany coffee table, sat in the middle of the well-decorated living room.

Shannon slowly sips her tea, her eyes trained on Sam as she peeks over the rim of her mug. "Oh, yeah? My dear Samuel, I don't think anyone can be as hopeless as you were."

A smug smirk makes its way to her full lips before she breaks into an outright grin. "And you married me, the boy must have a chance, he's a handsome fellow."

"Shannon, my love, I saw you, I wanted you and I went for you because I knew you were the one, I wasn't hopeless." Sam scoffs and folds his arms over his chest but as he looks over at Shannon who smiles brighter than gold itself, he too starts to grin.

"It may have taken me a while and that's because you're a hard woman to impress but I wouldn't change a thing...Well maybe, I wouldn't have spilt coffee on you so many times."

As I watch the twinkle in Sam and Shannon's eyes as they gaze tenderly at each other, I realize if I had even half of what they have, I'd be happy.

"I don't mean to break up this love fest but I'm going to go call Alice." I beam at the two before standing and placing a kiss on Shannon's cheek and a firm pat on Sam's back, thanking them for everything before leaping through the door with a brand new zeal.

-

I slam the apartment door shut, leaning against it as I take in my surroundings.

My apartment was nothing like Sam's beautiful home or even like those beautiful apartments you saw in magazines. It's a one-bedroom studio with chipped paint, poor lighting, a suspicious shower and an outdated kitchen.

It's shabby and in need of serious tender, love and care but it's all mine and no one could take that away from me. I came to New York with nothing but hopes and wishes and now I had a place to call my own.

I make quick strides over to my mismatched furniture, taking a seat on an armchair that has definitely seen better days as I pull out Alice's number.

With no hesitation, I dial the number and waited - by the fourth ring, her sweet voice, pours through the phone line.

"Hello, Alice here, talk to me."

I falter, completely caught off guard by just how lovely her voice is.

I don't and can't understand how one person can have so much power over me, I'm in too deep and I don't think I'll ever find my way out.

"You see, only two...maybe three persons have this number so is this who I think it is?" She asks, a Lauryn Hill song that reminds me of my mother filtering in through the background.

"H-hey Alice." I say as I stumble over my words and resist the urge to hang up and leave the country right here and now.

I take a deep breath and exhale deeply ready to try again before she hangs up.

"Hey Johnny!" I can practically hear and see her grin as I close my eyes, in my own personal utopia anytime she says my name.

"Yeah Alice, it's me. Just calling to check in on you." I can feel every beat of my heart, yet I can't help but feel a sense of relief at finally getting a sentence out.

"Well, that's sweet, thank you. I'm A-Okay." She quips with a giggle that makes me feel light with happiness.

I find myself nodding before I realize she can't see me – Shit. Pulling the phone from my ears, I watch the screen as the seconds of silence continue to tick away.

I place the phone back to my ear, searching for something – anything to say; but I, Johnathon Ryder, the same guy who had won the debate competition at my school for three straight years could only think of words to describe Alice's smile.

"Man, you're quiet on the phone too...do you want to meet me in the park near the coffee shop? I have a few ducks expecting me to be there with food and I hate to disappoint." She asks without hesitation.

My pulse skips and I can feel my heart salsa dancing against my ribs.

"Yes, I would love to."

I don't know how the words made it passed my lips or how I managed to stay so calm but I do know, I was grinning like a Cheshire cat long after we disconnected and I began my walk, maybe jog to the park.