"Cause I can't make you love me if you don't. You can't make your heart feel something it won't."
~Bonnie Raitt, 'I Can't Make You Love Me'

~~~

*Kai's POV*

"Can't we at least, I don't know, hang out?" I suggest, trying to keep the helplessness out of my voice.

It's been almost a month since I met Lucca, and his avoidance of me is becoming too painful to bear. Not only emotionally, but physically too. I can feel the strain on our bond growing with each passing day, making my chest ache more and more every day.

"Kai," Lucca sighs, rubbing his hand over his face. "Look... I don't know exactly what you want from me, but whatever it is, I can't give it to you. I'm sorry."

The horror of what he's implying hits me, and I'm barely able to choke out my next sentence. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying I'm not the one for you," he confesses, and my heart rate accelerates along with Kieran's panic. "I'm rejec—"

"Lucca," a stout man with gel-filled hair interrupts Lucca, much to my relief. It doesn't take a genius to know what he was about to say, and I'm silently thanking the Moon that he didn't get the chance to finish that sentence. "Pardon me, but can I speak to you for a moment?"

"Okay," Lucca calmly nods, as if he wasn't a millisecond away from rejecting me.

"Ruth," the stern man snaps his fingers at a young woman, who quickly takes her place behind a beautifully large harp and begins to play. Without looking back at me, Lucca follows the man towards the back of the restaurant.

'Follow them!' Kieran urges.

I furrow my brows in confusion. 'What? No. Why?'

'Just do it!' He insists, making my knees buckle as he tries to force my body forward.

'Geez, fine!' I grumble, regaining my balance and sneaking in the direction Lucca went. My ears twitch as they pick up on his voice coming from the kitchen. There's an open entryway, which I attempt to hide behind as I listen in on their conversation.

"...you just ignore your duties for any random patron that stumbles through our doors now?" A voice hisses, which I'm guessing belongs to the man who dragged Lucca away.

"Of course not," Lucca responds defensively. "I know him, but we're not friends. He's my friend's boyfriend's kid brother. He's nothing to me."

My breath catches in my throat.

"He's nothing to me."

Nothing.

Lucca said I'm... nothing.

'He denied us,' Kieran whimpers, pacing back and forth in my head.

I swallow thickly. 'Well, we knew he was about to reject us,' I try to reason, but I can't stop the pain from flooding me as my eyes grow watery. My hands shake at my side, and I peak around the corner to look at my mate.

The blood is rushing behind my ears, making it difficult to hear what they're saying. Through my blurred vision, I see the man walk off and Lucca turn around to gape at me.

He knows I heard him.

The shock and guilt is evident on his face, but that only confuses me more. Why would he feel bad that I overheard him? Isn't this what he wanted? To push me away; to sever our bond as mates?

The pain slashes at my chest, and I have to will myself to not double forward. This is too much. If he's going to reject me, he'll have to do it some other time. With how much this hurts, I'm afraid a rejection might actually kill me.

Quickly, I spin on my heel and make a beeline for my abandoned table. Frankie looks up at me with confusion in their eyes, before it shifts into worry.

"Kai? What's going on?" They question, and I shake my head.

"I need to leave," I whisper, unable to raise my voice any higher in fear that I'll start crying.

Without needing elaboration, Frankie nods once and stands to their feet. We drop some money on the table — probably way too much for the waters we didn't even drink — and quickly exit out the front of the restaurant.

He's nothing to me.
He's nothing to me.
He's nothing to me.

I get that we barely even know each other, but fuck. That fucking hurt. I'm not nothing. I'm his mate— er, at least I am for now. I won't play dumb and act like I don't know Lucca was about to reject me back there. But... come on! We might not know each other, but we're still tied together! The mate destined us to be together. That's gotta mean something to him, right? That's gotta make him feel something — anything.

The entire drive home, I keep my eyes squeezed shut to suppress the tears swelling behind my eyelids. Frankie remains quiet, knowing now is not the time to push me on this.

This isn't how all of this was supposed to go.

Finding my mate was supposed to be the happiest moment of my life, leading to an eternity of love and security. The kind I've seen dozens of wolves achieve. The kind I saw Ryland find with Landon.

The kind my parents had with each other.

My chest aches with their memory. If true love really exists, my parents definitely had it. They were the whole reason I was looking forward to meeting my mate.

The love that shone between them was so bright and illuminated a kind of future I wanted with my own mate: one that's filled with laughter and deep commitment. My parents cherished each other; anyone around could see that clearly.

Memories of my mom's beaming smile and my dad's boisterous laugh swirls in my head as Frankie drives us home.

They were always so... happy.

So in love, so warm, so bright. Just... happy.

No, I'm not living in some fairytale dream where I pretend to be blind the imperfections of their lives. Amidst their smiles and laughters, there were the occasional fights. Nothing that ever seemed too major though. Nothing they couldn't get through.

I think that was my favorite thing about their marriage. No matter what came their way, they faced it together and came out on the other side in each other's arms.

They weren't just mates or lovers. They were best friends. And that's what I was hoping to find with my mate.

With Lucca.

The image of my smiling parents in my head morphs into one of me and Lucca. I picture him looking at me the same way my dad used to look at my mom, and my heart twists. I want that. I want him to love me.

What's so bad about me? Huh? Our interactions can be counted on one hand, so there's no way I could've annoyed him enough to drive him away in that amount of time... right?

No, no. Landon said Lucca has hated the idea of mates for a long time; long before he ever even met me.

It's not my fault.
It's not my fault.
...Damn it, it still feels like my fault.

A knocking on the car window pulls me out of my thoughts. Ryland's eyes are wide with panic as he motions for me to step out of the car. Disoriented, I unlock my seatbelt while my brother yanks the door open. I had been so lost in thought, I hadn't realized we were even at the house yet.

"What happened?" Ryland demands, grasping my cheeks in his hands. "Why are you crying?"

Crying?

Confused, I lift my hand to my cheek and am surprised to find moisture on my fingertips.

Huh.

"It's nothing," I mumble, wincing at my own choice of words.

My brother shakes his heads and grasps my wrist. "I'm not buying it. Come on, we'll talk inside."

"I don't feel like talking," I whine in protest as Ryland drags me into the house with Frankie following behind.

"Oh, we're going to talk," Ryland says without room for argument. "My baby brother leaves without telling me where he's going, and returns covered in tears. There's no way in hell I'm dropping this."

He pulls me into the living room and I stop dead in my tracks when I see we're not alone. Landon, Xander, Lia, and Ronnie glance up at me with mirrored surprised expressions. My face heats up with embarrassment as I quickly wipe away the remaining tears on my face.

"Goddess, Ry, you couldn't have warned me that we have company?" I grumble while using my pink shirt as a tissue.

Ryland shrugs. "We were about to have a game night when Frankie called and said you were upset."

I turn to Frankie, brows furrowed. "When did you call my brother?"

"When we were in the car," Frankie answers hesitantly. "Damn, how zoned out were you to not notice?"

Shaking my head, I sigh and look back to the group awkwardly staring at me. "Sorry to disrupt your game night or whatever. I'm going to my room."

Several voices of protest follow me as I race up the stairs and slam my bedroom door shut. Exhaustion knocks into me like a freight train and I throw myself into my plush bed. The fluffy comforter nearly swallows me up as I scramble to hide beneath its feathery shelter.

Not too long after I get comfortable, a knock at the door has me groaning in frustration.

"Go away, Ry!" My voice is muffled as I bury my face in my pillow. The door creaks open anyway, and annoyance prickles at me. "I told you, I don't want to talk— oh." Lifting my head, I fidget awkwardly at the sight of my best friend in the doorway. "Sorry, Xander. I thought you were Ryland."

"Sorry for barging in," Xander says softly, leaning against the doorway.

Shaking my head, I slowly sit up on my bed. "Don't sweat it. You know you're always welcome up here."

He smiles sadly. "I wasn't sure if that was still the case. Things have been kind of... awkward, I guess. Didn't really know where we stood."

"You're still my best friend," I insist with a frown. "You'll always be my best friend, Xan."

He breathes a small sigh of relief; his blue eyes twinkling with his growing smile. "You're my best friend too. So... can I be your best friend right now?"

"I really don't feel like talking right now."

"No talking then," Xander shrugs, walking over to the other side of my bed and crawling under the covers. Lying on his back, Xander opens his arms wide with a small grin. Laughing softly, I settle back down and let him pull me into a hug.

Closing my eyes, I let myself soak in the comforting scent of my best friend. As my head rests against his shoulder, I feel my walls beginning to crumble as tears fill my eyes. Unable to hold them back, the floodgates burst open and I start to cry. Xander tightens his arms around me, rubbing up and down my back soothingly as I continue to cry over my mate. He doesn't make me talk about why I'm crying; no, he simply lets me release the heartache while in the comforting embrace of a friend.

~~~

I feel like this was mean to my Kai/Xander shippers 😂 Sorry

This chapter felt heavy but I'm also projecting a lot of my feelings into my writing so there's that 😗

I'm thinking of posting life updates in Gumbie's Journal since I tend to disappear for a while lol. That way you can keep up on what's going on with my crazy life

Anywayyy how have you guys been?? I've missed you all

Thoughts??

Q: Do you prefer talking about your problems, or crying while getting cuddles?
[I prefer talking and then cuddling]

See you next time!
-Gumbie