the storm is at its peak again

it's the worst its ever been

and yet i saw it coming this time

this is nothing new in a sense

sometimes i feel like

my life has grown bigger

than i can easily control on my own

that the things i do are bigger

than myself in the moment

that everyone sees something else

that i am not a true, live human being

but a power i don't understand

that's how i was raised

with the thought that

i've never understood what i was

and the only time i ever felt happy

was when i was in control

i'm watching the trees turn back to green

and longing for the beach we 

spent last summer on

the pancakes and sea salt

and the rainforest cafe

the smell of coffee in the morning

and the late night running through

the water fountains

and now it seems as if 

i've gotten what i wanted

i'm going away for the summer

but that means no coffee mornings

with my family

that means no movie nights

on the town

exploring the alleyways

and dying our hair

no cheap swimming pools

and being eaten alive by mosquitoes

and the worst of it all

there's no him