today i listened to a song i haven't really listened to since i was held hostage at his desperate hands. it reminded me of days when i saw no way out, surrounded by joy but couldn't bear to fake a smile any longer. it was before the days of disease and destruction in the earthly world but disease had infected me, and i was destroying myself from the inside out. i remember standing at the top of the waterslide in the heat of the summer, my eyes burning from the sunscreen and my feet chafing against the wooden staircase, my sister in front of me tugging along and all i felt was sadness. all i felt was "i can't go on."

i sat in my grandmother's bed that night, sunburnt and reeking of chlorine and leftover snowcone, and i texted my friend who claimed she was ready to give him a second chance. and my heart broke because i wanted to run so badly and she was the only one who still stood to validate my feelings. my mother and family and siblings all believed in him more than me. i needed someone to believe in me.

and that's when i believed it was over. i would be chained to this broken boy forever and i would eternally be known as his savior who couldn't save herself.