today i learned in my psychology class that when we're uncomfortable in our environment, we as humans sometimes regress into a stage of life where we feel comfortable. i guess that hit me a little bit because i as a person, when i am upset, return to a stage of life that destroyed me, but also built what i am. not because it was beautiful, but because it was what was familiar.

which leads me to wonder, am i forever cursed to chase something that was left behind? because if i'm happy, i'm chasing things that i'll never reach. if i'm sad i'm looking backwards, idealizing a time that wasn't nearly as glamourous or terrible as my fragile mind makes it out to be.

and i guess that's my role as a storyteller. i was made for the stage, made for the ring, made for the eyes and the lights and the attention and the paints. i was made to tell a story. i was made to be an actor. 

my idea of life is making my fantasy true for everyone else. if only i could paint that reality.

perhaps i would feel better if i told my story.

perhaps i would feel better if i wrote their names in fire, with mine included in crimson red next to them in jagged cursive. 

maybe i'd feel better if i broke down and called drake and colt and apologized. apologized what i had done wrong. colt should know that i was wrong. drake should know that i'm all his and i want to be together forever. hannah should know she was utterly cruel in the way she ruined my broken pieces. i hope she rots in hell. my family should know how they broke me and put me back together again. they all should know how i put myself back together again. 

they should know how every blow gave me fire to get back on my feet and fight harder and harder for the future that i'm going to pave for myself, and myself alone. if they want me they have to fight for me.

i'm tired of being the pushover i've always been in life. i'm a lot of talk and no do. i want to put the power in my hands, in my meaning, in my dialect, in my brain and in my heart, in my feet on the ground and will to do good. 

i'm ready to be something, something for me, something for everyone who chooses to want what they want from me.