i recognize now 

that i am spiralling out once again

and i don't know how exactly

to ask for help

but when i have these spirals

i often long for people and places

that no longer have the space for me

i wonder about him

the things we lost at fourteen 

and if he still thinks about me now

i wonder if he knows i'm sorry

i wonder if he knows i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry

and if he knows 

that i think about him all the time

especially when i feel awful about myself

and the mess i've made of my life

and when i write things down, characters based

on our mess of a relationship

and i feel worse

because i've made him the villain

and i keep doing that

i was mostly the villain

we were just kids

i was just dramatic

i wonder if she thinks about me

and if she revels in the fact

that i think myself the villain in 

that situation too

well for once in my life

i know that it wasn't

in fact

my fault

but entirely her own.

and the anger i feel

when seeing everything they've done

isn't worth trying to make anything

out of my own pitiful life

so i carry on

waiting for an apology i know will never come

and i sit in bitterness of a friendship lost

i sit in bitterness.

i sit in bitterness. 

so it's guilt and rage.

the constant tug of wondering

why wasn't i ever good enough?

and the blame on the parents

that really only ever wanted what was best for me

on paper at least

i've been raised to believe that 

i held more power in a pen

than i did in my entire soul

and i think that was a little damaging

there's been a lot that's been

a little damaging.

so at nineteen i sit in the office at my parents' house

and my boyfriend has gone to bed 

at 7 pm.

and i look at my life

with an air of sadness.

sitting in the office. 

doing chemistry.

what a sad life.

while everyone is out partying.

i'm alone

in an office

with a pen.

what a sad life.

i miss my cats

and when i was able to touch them

i miss my house

and when i could ride

from place to place

and not worry about speed limits

or when the sun was setting

or the deadlines approaching

or disappointing people

who i'm not sure care too much

about my future to begin with

perhaps they just care about my well being

or perhaps we're all just young and stupid

and this is what it finally feels like

to know people my own age

i mean truly know them

i always knew people growing up

but it wasn't like this

none of them who truly accepted me as i was

known me as i was

as strange but beautifu

strange but something

strange but someone

god i can't tell you how 

good it feels

to actually be someone

so i guess that's why it's addictive

that rush in the middle of the night

singing songs with people i didn't know

a year ago and hanging our heads out the window

like stupid dogs on a road trip

it's a strange feeling

falling in love with being alive

when i had been stuck in a cycle

for so so long

and the fear that it comes with

of finally being alone

i'm afraid of me

of who i always was

of who i always will be