a few years ago
at a prom
i got my first kiss
from a boy
who would have
stolen it if he could
but i felt nothing
and even then
i wanted to run
so i laughed
and let the sparkles
fill my eyes
and ran off
to find a drink
to numb my mind
from the pain i felt
at my own apathy

i poured every soda
down the line
into a red solo cup
not daring make eye contact
"what are you doing?" he asked, curious
and worried at my reaction
"ashlynn, you don't even drink soda,"
"i know," i replied, "but i wanted to try it.
tonight is a night of firsts."

as i gulped it down
i gagged
and people turned to look
he stood in front of me, embarrassed
and hissed, "ashlynn, you can't do that,
they're going to think
you're drinking alcohol
or something!"
we were only fifteen
at the time
something unheard of
to both of our naive minds
but what was funny
was that even then
i so wished that it was

i sit here now
with him all over me 
and i wonder how
just a different person
can make all the difference in the world
and how a different pair of hands
a different pair of lips
can bring you places
you never thought you could go
i sit here in this moment
and realize
"tonight is a night of firsts"
and even though the drinks are within grasp
i don't reach for them
because unlike me at fifteen
i want to feel this moment
the joy, the pain, the love, the everything
i don't ever want to let this go