it's hard to write out my feelings because i don't want to lose this

this fear that i might lose you

that accompanies the loss

of the daylight couple

that served as a baseline for

all of my fantasies

i listened to her words and 

imagined it to be ours

and through perseverance

and a god-fearing amount of dedication

i made this into what we could have

my cousin saw it today

as i was sitting on the back porch

watching him play football

and i admired the curve of his back

as he leaned back to throw

to my little younger cousin

and my heart filled with admiration

for him being such an athlete

a family guy

a team player

a beautiful one at that

and i guess i sort of 

spoke out loud when i said

"i would have given anything 

to have seen him play in 

high school. it would have made

a far better use of my time.

i know it means a lot to him

because he always wanted

someone there

and his mom and dad

never cared.

i wish i could have been that person for him."

and emily, leaned up against the pole, 

looked at me, looked at him,

looked at the sunset, 

and sighed, "i think that means

you really love him, don't you?"

i hated saying that word in front of 

other people, and was strange enough

having this conversation with the girl

who used to scream in public places

about incomprehensible nonsense with me

throwing temper tantrums like children 

since we were both trapped in an unknowing cage

that we didn't have a way out from

our only coping mechanism from this hell

was the one that destroyed our credibility the most

but it was all we had at the time

i got out of the cage first

i struggled the first few breezes 

but i think my wings are starting to catch air

i'm starting to get wind of this world i've missed out on

they're cutting her loose without wings to fly

she recognizes she's been captured but doesn't know how to fly

it's terrifying to see her try and take flight

anyways, we look at drake in the field

and look at each other

two young women, finally getting a sense of the world

other than the stupid videos

we made as children

it's funny, how perspectives change

i stopped in that moment and i said yes

of course i do. it's drake. i love him.

and it's funny because i don't often say that to family

the l-word has a connotation that i like to avoid

and brings up bitter memories of the l-word i never had

but that is all dead and gone when it comes to him

and i feel a stronger l-word than i have ever loved before

that i don't tell my family often

because the best l-words are what's kept private

because then no one else can intrude

those are another one of taylor's words that have always stuck with me

the privacy sign on the door

no one else knows

it was mine, all mine

and on the outside,

we can be pretty happy people

and it not be falsified

i love him with everything i have

now i feel fear that he will one day leave

just decide that he will stop loving me

because if taylor can stop loving joe

and joe can stop loving taylor

what's stopping drake from abandoning me?

what's stopping his feelings from evaporating, 

not by some event of mine 

but just the passing of time?

i hate that this has done to me

especially after the conversation with emily

and the night on the couch watching tv with my brother

i hate that it's done this, 

make me doubt something that was going strong

despite everything else falling apart in my life

i love him and that's all i know right now

i love him and i love my friends and i love science and i want a way out

i want a way out of here but to keep the ones i love close

and i know that's not possible

i want love and i want to give it

i want to give him love

please let me love

please let me go home