Camila

On Sunday it was time for the monthly display. For the second time in my high school carrier I was not doing anything for it, the first time being in freshman year. It was kind of sad not doing anything, but since Taylor wasn't either then at least I had someone to spend time with.

Our main excitement was Chase's band. During my crazy sentimentally messed up week I made the choice of telling Chase my feelings for him. Maybe it was too soon, but it didn't really matter. I knew Taylor liked him as well, and my intention wasn't to ruin whatever she had with Chase. My point was only to be honest with my best friend, even if I technically wasn't allowed to talk to him.

My parents' punishment was to not talk to Chase for a while until they decided that enough was enough. It wouldn't have been such a bad punishment if I was planning on continuing the silent treatment, but since I wasn't it put me in a tight position. I could always tell my parents that I needed for them to take away the punishment for one night, but I had a slight feeling that at least my dad wouldn't be so happy about me talking to the boy I fell asleep with.

Taylor and I were getting ready together in my dorm because I had no intention of running into Valery. Technically, it was us and my roommates. Unlike us, they did have to present some stuff and had to look as presentable as possible which was very hard to do since Kathy's boyfriend had broken up with her three hours before. If you've never had to take care of a broken hearted girl, then you are a very lucky person. There's nothing more stubborn (and sometimes offensive) than a girl who is hurt.

Convincing Kathy to shower and get ready was actually easier than we thought. All we had to do was tell her how amazing we thought she was and she was good as new, no ice cream needed. After Kathy and the rest of my dorm mates were out the door Taylor and I took the time to get ready ourselves.

Usually I get ready really fast, or at least that's what my few friends at home (which consisted of my cousin Bella and her boyfriend) used to tell me. But for the first time in my life I took longer than necessary, even using makeup, which I have no idea how to use. The plan was that if I didn't have the guts to talk to Chase then at least (maybe) he'd compliment me and I'd start from there. Since when had I become one of those girls, I don't know, but I guess we all have our desperate moments in life.

"Why are you putting so much effort in your look? Trying to impress a special boy?" She bumped me with her shoulder, nearly burning my face with a curling iron if I hadn't moved to the side.

"You should be careful with that thing, it could be a potential weapon. And what, can't I dress nice to impress myself?"

"You're such a mom. And yeah, you can if you were someone else, but you're Camila Smoke and most of the time you don't give a damn how you look like. Something is going on that you're not telling me." She said, pointing at me with her iron. For being one of the smartest people in school she sometimes did stupid things, like using a curling iron without being careful for example.

"I do care about how I look, just not at school. We're all dead inside here so what's the point in hiding it?"

"Fair enough."

I propped myself on the bed, already ready to fall asleep even though I still had at least two more hours of being awake.

"Taylor, if you don't hurry up I swear I will stab you with your stupidly dangerous curling iron. Five more minutes and I'm out." I sighed and used the five minutes for a nap that was interrupted after thirty seconds.

"Wake up sleeping beauty. It's time to go."

The walk to the school can only be described with one word: horrifying. You know that feeling when you're about to do something dub, but you're so determined to do it that you won't stop? Well that's exactly what I was feeling, times ten. Knowing that I was about to confess what I felt for Chase was one thing, but doing it while knowing that Taylor felt the same for him as I did was a whole other thing. I'm not sure if I was breaking some kind of girl code or something, but it sure felt like it. Or maybe it was her who was breaking it since apparently everyone except me knew that my feelings for Chase stretched a while back, but it felt like treason to me.

When we got there my stomach was already in a knotted mess and my voice would probably be of no use to talk, which left me no choice but to tag along with Taylor and hope that my jitters would leave.

First we went to the lobby where there the art exhibition was. It was boring to say the least, most things were made by freshmen who were still too into finger painting for their own good. The plays weren't much better (much to Mr. Erickson's dismay). We eventually found our way to Chase who couldn't stop chewing his nails.

Taking the opportunity that there were no teachers around I grabbed Chase by the arm and dragged him to the side. Just hearing him say my name made my heart flutter, and if him talking gave me that effect imagine what happen to me when he hugged me.

"I've missed you so much you idiot." He whispered in my ear. "Don't ever not talk to me again, I need someone to guide me through life." I tightened my grip around him. I wished that he meant the needing me thing in another context, but friendship would have to do.

"I'm glad we feel the same way. I've missed you too, even if it's only been a week. I miss laughing at your dumb jokes. Listen, my parents grounded me after the sneaking out thing and I'm not supposed to talk to you, but can we please meet after you play. I kinda need to talk to you." He smiled and hugged me again. If it wasn't for the fact that he was practically leaning on me for support, I would've melted in his arms.

"Of course. We can meet backstage. There won't be any teachers who care back there so we'll be fine. Also, Mrs. McConnell is close by, I think we should head our separate ways." I nodded, the idea of finally being able to be alone with him finally sinking into my brain. It was the perfect chance.

"Yeah, okay. Good luck playing; I'll be the one in the first row yelling, "The idiot with the guitar is my best friend!"" He laughed and I internally swooned. Chase's laugh was the best.

It started with a small smile. Two little lines curving the outer part of his lips that slowly became bigger and wider until he opened his mouth and some hilarious yet horrible sound came out. It was beautiful.

"I'll make sure to look for you. It was nice hearing your voice, Camila. I seriously don't know what I would've done if I spent one more day without hearing you talk."

And then I died. Wait, what? Figuratively, I mean.

Then he left and I did my best to compose myself, I couldn't let anyone see how far I was down the trail of destruction called Chase Harding. Was it normal to be so fallen for someone in such a short amount of time? Probably not, but I didn't care.

I joined Taylor and she frowned when she saw me. "Why are you smiling so big? If you hadn't already convinced me that you don't like him I would've asked if you're sure."

"If I were you, I'd ask again." I muttered under my breath. She looked at me confused, but brushed it off. I could only hope that she didn't hear. The concert started soon enough which meant that the night was almost over. Well, not really since four bands would play three to four songs each. But thankfully for me and my anxiety filled body, The Heartbreakers were the second ones to play.

By the time the first band, Lisa and the Others, I no longer had nails. They were all killed during my semi nervous breakdown. Taylor eyed me the whole time, worried like a mother about my behavior. I told her at least ten times that I was completely fine, and I was, until I saw him.

Have you ever seen your favorite singer live? Because that's exactly how I felt that moment. Overwhelmed, not being able to comprehend how they're actually real and standing before your eyes. Your heart goes faster than you thought possible and the only way to get rid of all the adrenaline coursing through your body is by screaming their name and jumping like an idiot. That's what it felt like looking at Chase sitting on a chair, cast and everything, with his guitar in hand and ready to play.

He was wearing the red flannel I'd told him to throw away years ago and I was so glad he hadn't. To everyone he looked like a rock star. But to me? To me, Chase had been the only star in the sky.

Patrick Adams, The Heartbreakers' singer and Leonardo's best friend, took the front of the stage. The way he talked like he owned the stage made me wonder why he'd been kicked out of so many bands. He was born for the spotlight, that was for sure. The only people I'd ever seen so calm and collected while standing in front of a lot of people were my favorite singers, and even they didn't have as much confidence.

"Hi everyone! My name is Patrick and we are The Heartbreakers. Tonight we're going to sing three songs, all written by us of course. The first one was written by me and my beautiful girlfriend Melissa Simons and it's called Tell Me Please. I hope you like it."

The song was amazing, no other way to describe it. It talked about being confused about someone's feelings towards you. I don't know what was it about the song, but it made my tear up a little bit. The lyrics killed me, they were so full of what I guessed were their feelings.

Tell me please

if you love me like I do

I'm done with the chasing, done with the pain

So tell me please

Do you love me or don't?

Do you see me or not?

Tell me please, so that I can move on.

The sound of Patrick and Melissa gave me a clear idea of what went on with them. If they wrote the song together and were now together I didn't think it was a secret to anyone what had happened before the happy ending. 

Valery's song was...something. When she started singing I was in awe. Not just because of her voice (which I have to say is incredible) but because of the lyrics. They weren't just words on paper that she wrote because they needed songs for the concert, they were an apology. An apology to Leo, Chase and me. She had some an incredible amount of courage to do that.

I'll be honest, I cried. Not as much as I cried with Chase's song, but close. Chase song was something else. I won't say I cried because I loved to lyrics. I wish it was because of that. Listening to his song, Nameless Face, I knew exactly who it was about, and that person wasn't me. It was for the person standing next to me who wouldn't stop staring at the boy I loved with the same amount of love I did. And it hurt. Seeing them flirt the other day hurt, but the fact that he wrote her a song...

My body and heart ached and I wanted nothing but to go back home and curl in my mother's lap while she stroked my hair, telling me that it would all be okay. I wanted to run away to somewhere where my feelings did not exist, though I couldn't. I was on a mission and I didn't want to leave until I was finished.

Taylor and I walked together backstage. If a teacher caught me speaking to him I'd be in trouble, but if I was with Taylor at least I'd have an excuse as to why I was back there.

I tried convincing myself that I wasn't nervous yet my sweating palms didn't help. I couldn't help but think how bad this would turn out no matter what I did. I saw him approaching us with a smile. My stomach churned, my mind went crazy and my eyes stuck to him. The feeling of running up to him and kissing his beautiful face was almost too strong to control, almost. Unfortunately for me I wasn't the only one with that feeling.

I read once that people call it a 'crush' because they crush your heart. That statement had never hit so close to home until the moment Taylor wrapped her arms around his neck and he wrapped his around her waist. She kissed him over and over. First his forehead, then his cheeks, his nose, his forehead again and finally his lips. He returned her kiss just like my lunch wanted to return to the outside world.

The worst part of all of it was that I didn't cry. I couldn't. If there is something worse than crying in public it's feeling like the life just got sucked out of your body and not being able to cry until you're left with a river of tears. The only thing I could do was stare at my two best friends kiss while I was in pain. Nothing but stare and wish that it was me instead of her. Why can't it be me? I asked myself.

When they finally pulled away I was more than glad that I hadn't cried or else I would have to explain a lot. They looked into each other's eyes for what seemed like forever, an eternity of stabs to the heart.

Chase released himself from her grip causing a look of disappointment to appear on Taylor's face. He walked closer to me and smiled. I tried to reciprocate it, but mine had faltered long ago. He noticed, of course, but suddenly I didn't feel as confident with my decision of telling him how I felt.

"Is everything okay? Did someone hurt you? Because if they did, then someone is not seeing the light of day ever again."

Not if it was you.

"It's okay. It doesn't matter. I don't think you'll want to hurt him?"

"So it's a guy? Camila, I swear I'll kick this guy's a-"

"Stop. I said it doesn't matter."

He sighed in defeat and wrapped me in a hug. I felt like crying right there in his arms and telling him everything I felt, every single thing that bothered me. I wanted to tell him to go home with me so that he could go with me to stand up to my fear. But I didn't, instead I just let myself breath in the smell of his cologne for what I hoped would be the last time in a while.

The smell transported me to a world of memories I didn't know existed. I remembered the day he "saved" me from a tarantula, the day he gave me his bio text book and got detention afterwards for not bringing his things, the day he held me high on his shoulders like a child because we were late to the monthly concert and didn't get seats up front, the day of the incident with Valery and Leonardo when he held me just like that. And then finally one more memory of the many we had came to my mind. The day we met and I punched Leo in the face. How had I not realized it before, I don't know, but I had been in love with my best friend for four years. Why else would I have punched a stranger in the face defending another stranger?

"Why are you crying? Seriously Camila, you can tell me anything. What's wrong?" He pushed me away in a gentle manner and wiped away the tears I thought I didn't have.

I shook my head and made a failed effort to calm down in order to speak. "I've just...I don't know. I guess I miss you, us. I miss us hanging out and having fun like we used to. This whole week has felt like I lost you and hugging you made me realize that. I'm sorry I ignored you." He pulled me into another hug and rubbed my shoulder, his way of telling me it would all be okay.

"Nonsense. You'll never lose me, Smoke. Ever. As I told you before, you aren't getting rid of me anytime soon. What if I asked my mom if she could speak with your parents and we go to my house this weekend? It'll only be a day since I'm guessing no adult will let us two be alone at night ever again, and my dad will be on some weird trip with his drunken friends. What do you say?" I nodded against his shoulder.

I expected him to let go of me as soon as we were done talking. I assumed Taylor wouldn't feel fine with our behavior, but I underestimated her understanding of needing a friend. She even let us have privacy while Chase calmed me down and left to wait for me at the door.

"So, what was it that you wanted to tell me?" I shook my hand and smiled. My confession would have to wait. Chase and I were back to normal (with exception of my punishment and his prohibition to be near me thanks to the principal) and I had no intention of ruining that. Not yet, anyway.

"That's for you to figure out, my dear friend. Just kidding, but I forgot. We'll talk later?" I made sure to make it clear that we were talking whether he wanted or not. And instead of saying no and telling me that he would be too busy talking with Taylor, he did what I didn't expect him to do.

He didn't speak, didn't say goodbye, didn't wave. He just smiled, and we both knew what that smile meant.

Always.