He was my awakening. After three years of dating, I don't know exactly why I ended things. Shivam meant a lot to me and after a few bitter months of single life we continued our relationship but in the form of friendship. I did love him and I really thought I was doing the right thing. I know no one will understand this but with him I always felt something is missing. Like something exciting. Things were so easy with him. Like the first time I kissed him, I always imagined that kissing the guy that I really like or love will feel .... amazing. And while kissing him was one of my most favourite things to do, I never found my spark. 

But he was a great boyfriend. He was always ready to spend time with me even if it meant that I had to do grocery shopping for mom. He was always there. He made me laugh and smile all the time. It was easy to talk to him about anything, he always listened. And yes, he knew the real me very well. I guess that is why being best friends with him after our breakup made me really happy. I never really missed the physical part of our relationship or the romance either and I thought I was doing well. 

I always imagined the love of my life as this particular person and Shivam did not fit in it. And that day, when I saw him getting engaged, I had a crazy feeling. Like something wrong was happening and I had to stop it from happening. This feeling inside my gut that made me go to the stage and make a complete fool of myself. Then I saw him rooted to the same spot and I realized, he had chosen her not me. All I could think of doing was run and so I ran.

Getting back to my apartment which I shared with my boyfriend, Anshul, I realized that I in just a few moments ruined my life. Anshul was going to find out about this somehow and he will leave me and Shivam will go ahead and get married. 

As I was lying on the couch with my third bag of potato chips and god knows which can of beer, the bell rang. Great. Last thing I wanted was to let someone see me in this state. Mentally hoping that Anshul wasn't back from his tour early, I made my way to the door. Opening to find Anidhi and Sanya looking shocked to see me like this and bags of food in their arms. Ugh. I  was planning to start dieting this month!

Neither of us said a word and they came in.

  "What is that smell?"  Anidhi asked. I realized in hunger I forgot to throw away the chicken tikka, Anshul and I had ordered  three nights ago.  I was is no state to think like a sane person for a second so I just sprayed my Chanel.5 perfume all around it. 

"Here." I threw the perfume for her to catch and Sanya looked at me like I was an alien or something. 

"What do you want me to do with?" Anidhi asked with a confused expression on her face.

"It will help."

I knew I was being ridiculous but can you blame me ? Most people I know were present at Shivam's engagement party. And I was beyond humiliated. I was now just hoping this does not go to Anshul's ears somehow, who was gone on some company tour at the moment and wasn't going to be back until next month. He had left so many missed calls since yesterday and I just did not know how to talk to him.

  "Geez, it's like something died." Sanya complained. 

 "Something did."  I answered. 

"What?" Sanya asked.

  "I did."  And before I knew it tears were flowing from my eyes endlessly. I am sure those two would have told me what  a drama queen I am at my answer but my crying lead them  to look at me with pity in their eyes and confusion on the rest of their faces. I loved these two so much. They were always there. We were best friends since forever and I have been a drama queen just as long but they were always there for me no matter what, with food and words of comfort, occasionally kicking the ass of the person causing distress. 

 "I will get us some tea." Anidhi said after a few seconds.  

"Tea? Since when?"  Sanya asked her and I wanted to ask the same thing. It was like tradition for her to make cocktails or just pop a plain old beer during times of trouble.

"Since I found out I am pregnant and realized I cannot drink anymore." She finally answered. "But I can hook you guys up with Margaritas if you want?"

There it was. 

I knew someday this was coming. She was always into motherhood even when we were just kids ourselves and after she found Devansh, I always knew this news will come soon either before or after getting married. 

I knew  I should have been happy for my friend and I really was! But all I could see was what a mess I was and how perfect and in sync her life was. But the thought of being an aunt made me a little happy, no doubt.

When it came to Sanya, well, she was a mess herself. Not many knew though because she hardly shared anything. When Shivam and I were dating, we decided to set her up with his friend Arvind. It was more or less because we all used to go on group dates and I wanted to include her as well. The relationship became on and off again. This was probably the ON period. It was true they both loved each other but they hated each other with the same intensity. And Arvind being jobless with no sense of responsibility just fueled their timely breakups. Two years ago, god knows what had happened to Arvind he proposed to Sanya and she without thinking, accepted. Her brother though, elder, was completely against it and when Arvind went to speak to him, he gave me a peace of his mind. Resulting in Arvind calling it off. Sanya cried for months before they got back together again. 

  "What the hell? Congratulations!" Sanya finally said after looking at Anidhi for a good two minutes.  Realizing that I am supposed to say something as well, I tried to congratulate her but broke down in the middle. They both quickly rushed to sit by my side.

  "I love him. I am in love with Shivam."  I finally managed to choke some words out. 

  "What about Anshul?",  Sanya asked. 

  "I...I don't know. He might have been just a silly crush!"  

  "Shivam is getting married Nehal. Maybe you are just afraid things will change once he is married?" 

Maybe. Anidhi could be right. Even though we broke up, Shivam still was always by my side. Whether I wanted to catch a movie, go shopping or needed someone to cheer me up. He would pick up my calls anytime. Whether it was one a.m. or one  p.m, it never really mattered. Even on the days we did not meet, we were always texting. But now that he  was soon going to have a wife, he would not pay that much attention to me, obviously. But the fact that he was going to have a wife irritated me as well. I wanted to kill her and she was my cousin!

  "He hasn't been serious about anyone ever since we broke up and all of a sudden he is getting married to someone he barely knows? This is just a rebound thing!" 

  The bell of the apartment rang and Sanya got up to get it.  It was a good five minutes before someone entered the living room again and it wasn't Sanya, it was Shivam.

My heart beats increased and I suddenly felt incredibly aware of how I looked and my surroundings. Good, now he was probably glad I dumped him. He looked really mad though.

I glared at Sanya, how could she let him in without warning?

  "I am sorry for everything."  I told him.

 "Yes, you should be. You ruined one good thing in my life that was happening after years!"

Oh my god, he was extremely angry. Did Tripti call off the wedding? I sure hope so.

I had no idea what to say. It was true. Oh my god, I screwed up my best friend's wedding! 

But I love him.

Wait, what about Anshul?

  "I am pregnant." Anidhi chirped in all of a sudden. Probably, trying to break the tension.

  "What. Just trying to break the awkward silence!"  She said to Sanya. 

"Congratulations," Shivam said to her. Then he turned to Sanya, "By the way, Arvind was wanting to know when you will get back."

"Okay. Thanks." She answered uncomfortably. 

"I am in love with you too Nehal."

And that left me shell shocked, it sure did shock Sanya and Anidhi but they were already getting up to leave. 

Oh my god.

What now?