Seokjin.

On some days I wonder how I am still breathing fine, I wonder how I still manage to function properly and carry out daily activities. On most nights I spend thinking about him, worrying about him, crying about him, for him. On all of them I hope for him, for him to come through my door, back into my arms. But with each sunrise that hope fades away, a deep sense of dread, fright, doubt, and a bit of anger fills it's space instead.

I have tried every conceivable thought to man to explain what really goes on, what happened, but I come up short of a few explanations each time. Some things I just can't flatten out without Namjoon, he needs to be present and tell me with his own mouth. The what, the when, why... The endless questions I can't answer.

The last thing he did was kiss my lips, right before he walked out on me.
Sometimes I still feel the taste of him, I imagine it perhaps, but it's there, I know it is, and it's the only thing that keeps me going, that and the thought of the love that we share. I love him, I still do, and I know he loves me too, he wants me too, I like to think he does. That's why I boarded this bus to begin with. To be with him, and to hear from him.

I had no problem waiting like he had requested of me, gladly I would wait for years for him if he asked, that's how much I love and trust him, but he has completely pushed me to the wall with his silence. This strange quietness from him worries me, I hardly know if he is alright wherever he is, and that kills me to no end. To not have any word from him, message, phone call, or anything that might reassure me of his welfare.

I have no problem being in the dark from whatever he is keeping from me, it might be secret, or an issue he doesn't want to let me in on for different reasons, ones I wouldn't pressure him for if he doesn't want to tell me, but goddamn it, it wouldn't hurt to pick up a phone and send me a simple text. Even a simple message to reassure me of his safety. Oh, how did I end up here, how did we end up separate, and this desperate. One moment it was all nice and lovely, and the next I was all clueless and confused.

I clutch tightly to the phone in my grasp, my eyes trained on the simple, yet important text of a name and address that I only this morning. I've learnt it by heart, and I am tempted to write it down too, just to be safe, in case something happens to my phone before I get to Gwanju. Caution. It took almost a month to get this. Torn between respecting, my promise to Namjoon, and sickly worried about what exactly was going on with him. I was constantly on the fence, but eventually I couldn't go without knowing what was happening behind the scenes, or at least with my boyfriend, and I came to a conclusion to follow him to where he had supposedly left to.

At my first approach, Jackson had denied having known anything that was going on with Namjoon. He did say Namjoon told him he was leaving, and that was it. But Solar Hoseok and I could tell he knew more than he was leading on. He knew more than he was willing to tell us.  "Give me his address at least, I'll go myself if it's too much trouble." I had begged as the days progressed, but Jackson wouldn't give it up, not even a clue of what this was all about. There was this look in his eyes whenever he said no, this type of remorse, and sad that would envelope him at the sight of my visibly teary eye, it lead me to believe he knew something.

Solar's anger towards Namjoon rose with each day, and Hoseok's own worry over me was getting the best of him. I would sulk at my job, swollen eyes always set into worry, eyebrows narrowed in thought. I would have at most one meal a day always at a loss of appetite without him around, and my sleep schedule wasn't anything worth mentioning either. All this for him, all this worry, I had for him. Jesus, why couldn't he just talk to me, what was really going on that he couldn't even pick his phone to call me, or better yet, answer when I called.

For days I brewed theories in my head, tragic ones, sad ones, and ones that went as far as being fooled. I regarded the possibility of Namjoon lying to me about what he felt, and eventually leaving when he got what he might have wanted, but that theory had so many loopholes, like why he would just abandon everything behind as well? In the end I resorted to store it at the back of mind. Unlikely, but not impossible, that was it's category.

That, until another picture started to show. Amidst everything I noticed my mother's eagerness to make amends, she was suddenly so inquisitive about Namjoon, and about my relationship with him. It wasn't right how she was so invested in what I had going on, and it didn't make sense either that she knew a lot more of things that I hadn't told her, and I am sure Namjoon hadn't either. It peeked at me, and I couldn't help remember the day Namjoon had mentioned meeting my mother briefly. I had been so immersed in what she could have done or said to my boyfriend, that I must have failed to notice what was right before my eyes. I was convinced there had to be something that must have happened there, something more than a simple coincidence, one that would have led Namjoon to leave, or flee, but nonetheless involved my mother.

I hated bringing contacts, and good connections to this, but I had to seek help to find out if my mother had anything to do with this, if perhaps her sneaky self had played a first one on me, or rather my boyfriend, to get what she wanted. I knew her well, too well to know she wouldn't stop at anything to get what she wanted if she could have it. I pulled a few strings with a good friend, and with his help I managed to obtain some information that only left me more puzzled. My mother had certainly been a busy woman, and I hate to say it but Namjoon had been up to something too.

That bubble of anger chokes on my throat until now as I sit on this bus, threatening to burst and spill over in a series of screams, yells, and a bunch of inappropriate words. But I am giving my boyfriend the benefit of the doubt - if he is even mine still - to give me an explanation, to liberate me from these confused thoughts that I harbour for him.

My fingers shake as I lean back on my seat, my body rocking slightly with the movement of the bus. It's only a few minutes now to Gwanju, and I can't help my nerves, and the jittery of my fingers as I think about what I am really doing. It's been almost a month since Namjoon and I separated, without much explanation other than the emergency he had at home, one I am not sure was true anymore, and here I am, chasing after him, desperate for anything he might have to say, quiet frankly, desperate for him.

Hoseok was in support of this trip, he offered to drive me a long in fact, wanting me to find out if something was wrong with Namjoon, and perhaps an answer as to why he wasn't willing to communicate with me. Solar was more... not necessarily pessimistic, but more practical about the situation. She wanted me to consider the possibility of Namjoon having lied to me, she wanted me to acknowledge the possibility of being cat fished, and Namjoon being just another smart fuck boy, alongside Jackson, who was fake, as she put it now. I found it difficult to see things her way, it was just so tough to think Namjoon had been putting on a show for this long, that everything we shared was all pretend for him, just to get in my pants. It was outrageous to even think that could be true, perhaps because it would kill me if it was. I am in love with that man, I am deeply in love with Namjoon, and I know he loves me too. I hope he does.

I have never been to Gwanju before, funny, seeing as it is only three hours from Seoul. I have passed the town though, and I can't deny it's a sight to see. It's just as built as other cities, but it's true beauty lies with the countryside landscape. The acres of farms of fruits and vegetables, crops that carry the agricultural sector of this country on this back. It's beautiful, especially with the added horticultural aspect that flowers up the area. But I have no mind to admire all that at the moment, I am more focused on what it is I am actually going to say once I meet Namjoon. I have a lot of things to ask, yet so little at the same time.

When I got this address this morning, I didn't think as I bought a ticket and leapt into the first bus I saw. I was seeing ahead, myself with Namjoon, but in all honesty I wasn't sure what I was going to say, I wasn't even sure if I was ready to hear what he had to say. Ignoring the loud chatter on the sides and the cluster of people by the stop, I get off the bus, clutching tight onto my bag as I look around for a ride. I make a beeline for  the first empty taxi I see, crouching over to talk to the driver.

"Would you happen to know where this is?" I bring out my phone, and screen nearer to his face, both us squinting in the blazing sun to look at it. The man softly smiles, before nodding over in the slightest, "I do sir." He replies, and I don't waste a second as I rush in. "Is it far?" I ask nervously, eager to get there, but hesitant at the same time to finally face my boyfriend. "No sir, it's only a few minutes out, will be there before you know it." The man replies, getting off the crowded parking and eventually to the highway.

I spend the next fifteen minutes in my head, thinking of the different ways this might go. The one thing for sure, is that if I at all get to meet Namjoon today, I must get answers, the rest, I am not sure how it will play out. All I hope is that I get my boyfriend back, that at the end of this day, that all for him and me will be finally ok. It's a long shot considering everything, but it's what I am going for.

We pass the narrow roads near the fields, extensive lands of crops, before we finally come into a small village, lined with a series of traditional houses. It looks simple, but exquisite at the same time. It's serene, with a view of the farms, and fresh breath of the wind. It's exactly the kind of thing you don't see in Seoul, calm, and beautiful. The taxi pulls up near a house, and the driver turns around to smile at me in answer to my silent question. I quickly pay up, and after a deep breath hurry myself to the front step.

I knock politely, getting jittery, and more nervous when it goes unanswered. I did consider the possibility of nobody being at home, and in that event, I had agreed with myself to wait, until somebody shows, preferably Namjoon. I tap my foot severally, getting ready to knock again when the door opens. Holding my breath, I release it slowly at the sight of the middle aged woman by the door. I bow to her, my hands tightening around the strap of my sling bag. "Good morning ma'am." She smiles at me, bowing back before narrowing her eyes slightly.

"Good morning. How can I help you?"

"Umm, I am looking for Namjoon, ma'am." I keep it simple, smiling to keep my composure. "Oh, it's that so, he was just about to return to the fields, he'll be out in a minute." I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders at the sound of that, the sound of him being alright, but it doesn't take away the questions, especially the ones that follow up if he indeed is alright.

"Would you like to come in?"

"No, that's alright." I decline politely, not wanting to intrude if they were about to leave. She nods at me, smiling slightly, a pair of dimples that mirrors my boyfriend's on display. Her eyes crinkle, and the bits of resemblance to Namjoon shows. "I didn't know my son had such handsome friends." She praises playfully, and I bow again in appreciation at the comment, just as a pair of boots appear in my line of vision.

"Oh, Joon-ah, son, you have someone looking for you."

"Oh, really?" A questioning, yet deep voice sounds out, just as his eyes meet mine by the door. He is dressed in a tight black t shirt, a jean overall over it, with a baseball cap covering his head. A deafening silence follows, accompanied by stares, and held breaths. My eyes prick with tears at the sight of him alive and well, my heart flutters with relief, but it's quickly replaced by dread when the surprised look in Namjoon's face changes to something. It flashes quickly in his eyes, too fast for me to comprehend or understand, before it's falls into a serious gaze.

His mother must feel the tension in the air, because she smiles, patting Namjoon on his shoulder. "I'll go check on Taehyung." She says before excusing herself. I bow to her kindness, stepping back as Namjoon steps out as well, closing the front door behind him. We are now face to face on their porch, and I am short of words to say, all of it seemingly out of my mind as he gazes at me, it's quite different from what I remember. Hard, and compelling. I don't think he is thrilled with my presence.

"What are you doing here Seokjin?" How about hug, maybe a warm embrace to welcome your boyfriend after being separate for almost a month. All I get is a question as to what I am doing here, the last time I checked, I believe I am the one who needed to be asking the questions here, he walked out on me, I am the one on the loop here. "I came looking for you." I answer anyway, searching for his eyes under his cap when looks down.

He is silent for a second, before he pursues his lips, looking up at me again, his gaze softening, but his dark irises still stony, holding something I can't decipher by just looking at him. "You shouldn't have come." He breathes out, simultaneously knocking the breath out of me with those words. "Why not, I wanted to check on you." I say back but he only walks past me, his muscular figure flexing with each step he takes over the gravel stones. His posture is a little rugged, visibly tense. "You still shouldn't have come."

I turn around, walking behind him, trying to keep my composure at his dodginess. "Why not, why shouldn't I have come when you wouldn't communicate with me, not even a simple text to tell me your ok, what did you expect me to do. Worry day in, and day out for another month before you reached out?" I can't help the agitation in my voice as I catch up to him by the pathway. I yank him back by the arm, attempting to turn his rigid body to me. "Will you at least look at me while I talk to you..." I ask, pleading almost as I stalk to stand in front of him, blocking him.

"...I just travelled miles to get here, so I could check on you, don't I deserve even a minute of your day?" I pause, searching his eyes once more. He finally takes off the hat, running a hand through his fading locks. His eyes meet mine, and for a few seconds I see the man I know, his eyes soft and inviting, but it doesn't match the words from his mouth. "I get that you worry, but you still shouldn't be here." I laugh humorlessly at that sentence, that's the third he has said that.

"Are you going to tell me why, or your just gonna keep taking me in circles... Jesus, everyone seems to not be bothered in the slightest, seemingly knowing why you really left, except for me. And now your pushing me away as well. Why is that, will you talk to me?" He gulps thickly at my request, pursuing his lips once more before looking away to the side. A bit of defiance.

"How is your brother, is everything ok with him?" I hated to think about it, but I did consider the thought of something terrible happening to his brother, something that would make him push me away, or need to have space from me, from his life. Death, perhaps. "He is alright, he got well... thank you for asking." He says, sincerely, meeting my eyes. I am thankful for that as well, for his family being ok, but the thought of what this means for us doesn't allow a smile on my face. He probably sees it too, taking a different posture, shifting his weight on his legs, hands going limp by his sides. "This isn't about my brother anymore, it hasn't been for a while."

He reveals, bracing himself for my answer, but I am confused, no, afraid. I am scared of where this is going. This can't be good, not for me at least. He opens his mouth a few times, struggling to find words for his next sentence, and when he does, my whole world collides. "We can't be together Seokjin. If that's why you came then I am sorry." His glassy eyes betrays the words he so tries to get out with conviction. My mouth runs dry nonetheless, the air I suck in burning down my throat, all the way to my lungs, making me heave out a silent breath.

"What are you talking about Namjoon, why can't we be together?" He looks away again, an empty answer like the last. "It's complicated."

"Then talk to me."

"I can't." He answers without missing a beat but doesn't say why. He is just as secretive, hiding, keeping to himself. I know I can get through to him if he just talks to me, if he just opens up and shares with me. "I can wait, no matter how long it takes." I say to him, reminding him of the request he made of me, but he shakes his head in disapproval.

"Don't. Don't wait anymore. I wish I could lay it out to you with reasons, but it's not possible. It was nice while it lasted, but we can't anymore..." I look at my hands this time, as a tear escapes my eyes and falls to the ground. He is breaking up with me, just like that, without any valid reasons whatsoever. I've thought about it being my fault, about me scaring him away with my feelings, but I know there is something there as well, the one he won't speak of. "It's not you, if that's what your thinking, this has nothing to do with you."

"Yet your breaking up with me. What really happened that changed your mind, why don't you want to me to wait anymore?" He doesn't answer when I look up, jaw clenched, and eyes hard. "I love you, Namjoon, I am in love you with you..." I remind him, tempted to touch him, to feel him under my fingers. His own eyes gloss over as I wipe my wet cheeks, sniffing in the tense atmosphere. It hurts to not hear anything back, it hurts to be met with silence instead, and as my mind swirl with different ideas of how he feels about me, my heart shutters into a million pieces, my insides hurting at the rejection. There is a clog of emotions at my throat, pain, so much pain, but their is anger too, fury as I realise that the only thing I have avoided so far might be true.

"How much?" I ask him, rubbing my teary eyes to get a clear view of him. "How much did my mother pay you?" I didn't want it to come to this, I didn't want this to be the ultimate reason, but it seems like it is, the only option left. His eyes widen a bit at the accusation, guilt and realization flashing in his expressions.

That's right, I know about the money.

I sought help with this too, and I found out Namjoon and my mother had been in contact, they had spoken behind my back before, probably more than once, and it didn't help that the night before Namjoon left he had been talking to her. It hurts to think he lied to me, he was in contact with my manipulative mother, and a good sum of money had been exchanged between them. I pushed it aside because it just didn't make sense, it wasn't like Namjoon. But recently I had started to question that.

He only bites his lip after, avoiding my eyes. "At least deny it." I whisper, not trusting my wavering voice as I realise what his silence means. It's true, it's true he took that money. My fist clenches at the side, a soft cry leaving my lips. He lied to me. "For what. What did you take it for?"

"Us? Did you trade it for us?"

"You don't know what your talking about." He growls suddenly, his tough gaze peering up at me. He's is not gonna tell me, but he won't deny it anyway. I can't be in the dark anymore, and I can't trust anything else that comes out of his mouth. "It was all pretend for you, you lied to me." I am full on sobbing by now, words broken and jumbled. He sold us off for money.

"Was it worth it?" I ask, desperate to know, but his gaze falls, his tired and teary eyes meeting mine. "There is nothing to say, other than, now you know I am not the one for you."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I say, my voice a little loud. I can't comprehend what he is saying, it's too much. Too hurtful. "You'll have a better life without me Seokjin. I'll only draw you down."

"I don't care about my family status." I cry, but he isn't having it. "You should. Aren't you getting engaged, focus on that." He deadpans with so much spite, angry eyes keeping mine.

After everything we shared, after everything I told him about my stand on this, and he just throws it out on my face like that, like he is clueless about how I feel on being forced. More than hurt, anger rises in me, it burns as it courses through my veins, tongue itching with those fours words as he keeps my gaze with his guilty ones.

"Yeah, fuck you too."