Seokjin.

Even if I had never dreamt of it, or simply thought about it, I had to eventually stop going to his apartment, I had to stop sleeping at his place, and stop going through his things. He wasn't mine anymore, and my rights to posses or guard his property had been silently written off. The key he had given me went to Jackson, the only person I had trusted to keep it, and the only one who wouldn't give it back in case I requested.

A few times I had wanted to ask for it back, just so I could have a piece of him with me, something that would keep reminding me of him. That key would allow me to be near his scent, near clothes that smelt like him, and sheets and pillows that somehow retained his warmth. That key allowed me to touch his stuff, but I had to let it go, I had to let everything of his go, I convinced myself it was necessary if I wanted to move on, if I wanted to forget.

But that was only a drop in the ocean, that was only the first step to this journey of a million miles. Doing that had made little to no difference, I still saw him wherever I looked, he was in every one of my thoughts, and came in every one of my dreams, and nightmares. I cried everyday, almost like a ritual, one I had to do to keep my sanity, otherwise I would ran mad trying to keep it in. It chocked me whenever it awakened, always with vigour than the last time, and I would find myself curled up in my bed, or locked up in the bathroom at work, balling out my eyes. Pain, like I have never felt in this life would course through my veins, every happy memory, every loving touch, and every memorable kiss, now a burning reminder of what it had become. It would eat at my insides, taking a part of me with it each time, until I felt bare, numb and a little lighter.

Even gone he still had the same effects on me. He still had the ability to draw all these emotions from me in his absence. Except that they were painful, scornful and tortures. A few times I had woken up with tear streaked cheeks, dried overnight in my sleep, and other times I had been told to be calling him in my unconscious state. That's how much of a hold he still had on me, that's how much he still had me in his grasp.

It meant I had to put in way greater effort, I had try harder than I was already trying, if I wanted to get somewhere. My friends helped. Solar was always around to cheer me up, her idea of stress eating and binge watching movies was proving effective. It would help me immerse myself in something for a few hours, and the eating would remind me that I still had my appetite intact despite everything else that I had lost.

Hoseok was more...softer. When Solar had mentally declared war with Namjoon. Hoseok was more forthcoming with my healing process. He reminded me always that it was normal to feel the way I was feeling, that it was ok to take my time. He offered a listening ear, and a crying shoulder, and a few times I had taken him up on that offer. He didn't think I was overreacting, or dwelling too much on the past, on the contrary, he thought it was healthy, to let it out in anyway I wanted. Talking about it included.

I had told them of what was going on, everything surrounding Namjoon and I. They deserved to know too, because Namjoon was their friend as well, and at the end of day they needed an explanation, closure perhaps. I didn't spare her out of it either. I told them of the money, and about what had transpired between me and her in the end. It made them understand more of where I came from, and what I was going through. I was just glad they weren't ones to judge, or criticize.

Finally there was Jungkook. I couldn't keep track of how many times he had come through for me. He was somehow my rock, support. I couldn't fathom how he knew when I needed him. He would just knock on my door on my darkest hours, almost like a knight to the rescue whenever I was holding by a thread, plunging to the darkness.

At first I was a bit skeptical of him, doubtful at whether he had been recruited by her to carry out her original plan, which was to get us engaged, or even the slightest of things like keeping a close eye on me, but he had assured, and confirmed with proof that he had nothing to do with my mother. He had just been as clueless as I was about both of our parents pressuring the engagement behind our backs. To his knowledge everything was off since I declined the proposal a year ago, and he was totally in the dark about this new plan our parents had been brewing behind our backs

His parents sure had an earful when he confronted them.

He had then offered his help to dig more into it to for me, so I could get the answers he could tell I was still looking for. But after a bit of thought I had declined. There was just no point in doing so. It was spilt milk, and there was no use trying to salvage it. There was nothing that knowing about all the hidden things would help me with; it wouldn't take the pain away, and it sure as hell wouldn't bring him back to me. If anything it could do more damage than it already did. It could tear up the stitches I had started to make, and I'd be right back where I had started.

Jungkook had respected that, instead he had offered himself, his time and presence -despite his busy schedules - to be with me, and I appreciated that. I appreciated all of them for anchoring me, and giving me the strength to keep moving. At times I wondered if Namjoon had the same support, if he had a group of friends, or even one to console him over the break up, I wondered if he even needed it in the first place, or if he perhaps was glad to finally be free of me. There was just a number of things I was curious about when it came to him; if he thought about me too, if he was broken like I was, and maybe suffering like I was.

A few times I had been on the verge of calling his phone, and other times I had come so close to bordering another bus to Gwanju, just so I could find out about how he was fairing, but I had stopped myself. I wasn't sure he would want to see me anymore, or even want hear from me. For all I knew he might have moved on already, or worse found someone else for him.

I had also considered the possibility of him hating me, he had looked like he did the last time we met. How he had irked to get away from me, like I had repulsed him, or like he was scared or something. I had no idea why that would be, and I wasn't going to risk it. I knew my ex mother well to know that she might have instilled some fear in him somehow, something that would scare Namjoon, and would make him hate me and my background in turn.

In the end I had resolved to stay away, it was the best thing for us, well for him. I can't lie, if given the opportunity right now, I would leap right back into his arms. I would give anything to touch him again, to kiss him again, and just to be with him once more. He had stolen more than my heart, taken more than my body, and gladly I would give him more parts of me if it meant being with him. That's how much I still wanted him, how much foolish I still was.

"Are you sulking again? Gonna have to pinch your cheeks once more..." Jungkook sing - songs as he enters the room. Bottle of whiskey, and two glasses in hand. I raise a brow at him, curling up on his leather couch, and crossing my arms over my chest defiantly. "You literally pinched me three minutes ago." I argue, more of whine with a pout. I know I am caught for this one, having made an agreement with him, to pinch me back to reality if I zoned out, but failed at it a lot more than I expected. It was meant to be playful, and to keep my mind on its hinges, but it is starting to flame up my cheeks, despite Jungkook's gentle nature. He had only pinched me minutes ago before going out to his bar to get us a drink, and here he was again. I guess that's how hard it is to stop thinking about him.

"Alright, I'll give you a pass for this one, but if I see a frown on your face in the next hour, you get double pinches." He warns playfully, before putting down the glasses and bringing his hands to smooth my cheek with my palm. "Is it painful?" He asks a bit worriedly, and I only smile pushing his hand away. He is too caring, and takes little games too seriously. "No it's not..."

"But it's so red, maybe we should find another mode of..." I groan as he trails off, drowning his words. "It doesn't hurt, really." He looks at me for bit after I assure him, searching into my eyes for any traces of discomfort. He smiles a bit when he finds none, nodding to himself before taking a seat beside me.

We are currently in his apartment which he had invited me for the weekend. I didn't have any work at the shop, so I took him up for that offer, preferring his company than myself alone. He invited Solar and Hoseok as well, but she had errands to run, and Hoseok had some work to finish at the shop. Jungkook is now acquainted with them, having been around enough to meet them on several occasions. He is particularly fond of Hobi, or like he put it, 'he has never seen anyone more happier in this world.' So when neither of them could make it today, I decided to hang around with him, more of a casual weekend as opposed to what Jungkook had planned for the four of us earlier.

I have been here the whole day; watching with him, working on my sketches while he worked on his projects, napping, eating, and now it was nightfall already, and he asked if we could have a drink before I could go. Not the best combination, but I am not too worried because I am not planning on drinking anyway, that way I can take myself home.

I furrow my brows as I watch his side profile while he pops open the bottle. His doe eyes are probably crinkling in the slightest, and judging by the way his shoulders are shaking slightly, he is probably laughing. "What's so funny?" I inquire narrowing my eyes at him when he turns to look at me with a smile.

He offers me a half full glass of the tempting drink, which I take, holding tightly. I eye it, attempted to down it one go and relish in the sweet but slight burn it would certainly give me. But there is a reason I have not turned to alcohol yet, this so far has been the most difficult month of my life, and when alcohol and alcoholic drinks would help me drown in anything other than my thoughts and worries, I have resisted going there, fearing I will fall deeper than my mere intention to forget, to go somewhere I can never be able to come back from. I am afraid it will do more harm than good to me at the moment. Maybe later when I am better, I will indulge in some, but not at the moment.

I keep the glass though, running the tip of my index finger around the rim and watching the liquid bubble over slightly. Jungkook doesn't seem to notice as he turns on the couch to  face me. He is still looking amused, and I am getting impatient with every second that he is keeping the humor to himself. "Do you remember the only time your cheeks have ever been this red?" He asks, sipping on his drink. I blink repeatedly, not sure where he is going with this. I have always been easily flustered, and half my life I have spent dealing with teasing about flames in my face. Nothing harmful though, well except for that one time...

"Oh, don't start." I protest, a smile tagging at my own lips at the memory.  Jungkook doesn't seem to care as he explodes into a fit of uncontrolled laughter, his bunny teeth showing while he bubbles over with hearty chortles. It's things like this that makes me want to be in his company instead of mine. He knows how to make me smile, even when I am down.

"You still get like that whenever you meet my dad." He wheezes out between laughs, finding so much humor in the memory from almost a decade ago. The memory isn't that embarrassing really, it's just that I was young, and it stuck with me through Jungkook's teasing.

"How can I not, he found me practising to confess my feelings with the teddy bear in my room, then proceeded to kiss it senseless." Somehow Jungkook still doubles over in laughter, this bitch. Ok, maybe it is a little bit too embarrassing. That one time I had been left at their place while Miss Soojin dealt business and I had practised how to confess my feelings to a boy, and get a kiss from it, while being clueless of Mr Jeon, and Jungkook himself who had come to check on me, sure had made a lasting impression.

Mr Jeon had apologize for intruding on my privacy, while Jungkook had immediately exploded into laughter, which then proceeded to teasing, and making kissy faces, and kissy sounds. Ironically, he wasn't the toughest to face, I knew his secrets too so the blackmail couldn't last for long, but with his dad it was different. Years down the line and I still wanted the ground to swallow me whenever I met him. I could still feel the blood rush to my face, and the second hand embarrassment that waited whenever he was around. I guess Jungkook could make out the similarities.

I hit his shoulder lightly while he comes down from his amusement, trying to school my face into annoyance. "Jerk." I mutter but he only puckers his lips, making loud kiss sounds as he pours more drinks for himself. I swear sometimes I just want to strangle him "We were some funny kids, weren't we?" He asks as he settles back, looking off into the distance, like he is thinking about it, before looking back at me. I hum in response, titling my head so it is resting at the top of the couch. A small smile takes my lips at the nostalgia.

"We had our first real kiss the day after that." He laughs lightly at himself, and I raise a brow, "You remember that?" I ask a little surprised it stuck with him. It sounds like a long time ago. "How could I not, it was the first time I knew I was in love..."

"We were thirteen." I remind him. He smiles, putting his glass down before leaning back on the couch to mimic my position. "We were. Too young to know what it was, but smart enough to know it was something huge." He purses his lips, hesitating for a second before bringing a hand up to move a few strands of hair from my face.

"With you it was always huge." He echoes, his gaze falling into something soft while his fingers tips run gently on my cheeks. His orbs trace my face, gentle, but peering at the same time. He holds my eyes hostage with his, passing out a message to me as they flick for a moment to my lips....message clear.