Namjoon.

Seven years ago

"Where is tae?"

"He went out for a walk with your mother, said he wanted to be outside  for a change." I nod to my father, getting the picture of what he means. Taehyung has been cooped up here since his surgery, he hasn't been allowed to do any strenuous activities, walking for long distances included, and I get his need to go to the world outside, now that he has made progress. I am a little worried of what it might do to him, but he is with my mother, and I know she wouldn't let anything happen to him.

Putting away my tools, I shrug off my hat, noticing my father putting on his coat, and grabbing the keys to his truck. Curious, "where are you going?" I ask.
"Just getting some supplies from the store, I won't be long."

"I'll do it, I'll go." I offer, already walking forward, hand stretched to take his keys. "What, no. You've been at the plantation all day, you must be tired, have a shower and get some rest." He counters, not giving in, despite the attempt. He looks at me, narrowing his eyes at my disheveled self, tired eyes, and an exhausted body.

True, I haven't had any rest since six this morning, I've worked in the plantation all day, with the blazing sun, and the minimal excuse of a meal I tried to have despite my lacking appetite, and it's starting to show. But I needed it, I needed to work, to go away and keep my mind busy, I needed a distraction, still do, and taking a shower and resting would not do it. It would only give me time to think, rest would free my mind, it would give me space that I don't need.

It's why I need to ran errands, anything that would keep my mind occupied, and my body more tired, so tired I would pass out the moment my head hits the pillows. But my dad seems to see through all that, he knows what I am doing, he has seen it before.

"You know Joon-ah, we've had a lot of problems in this family, and you know first hand that we don't run. We share and we face them head on, we tackle them until they aren't our problems anymore." He speaks, stopping to put his keys away before staring at me. I sigh out, moving to sit on the couch to get rid of my shoes.

"I am ok, dad." I've said it a lot of times since I returned from Seoul, I am starting to think it's true myself. My dad of course doesn't seem convinced like always, he walks to the couch as well, sitting beside me. "Are you really son, you busy yourself with all this work in hopes of getting rid of your thoughts. It doesn't work that way."

We've had this talk before, and each time I've shut myself out because I can't bare to listen to the truth. He'd say it, and I would go do the opposite right after. I can't face it like any other problem I've had in life. This is different somehow, it's tougher, and difficult. I can't do it, at least not now.

"Your not ok. You haven't been since walked back here with that bag of money." I sigh again, not willing to think more about it. We've talked before, and he knows I didn't take it forcefully from someone, or do something illegal to get it, but still, he knows well it didn't just come for free, and I think that is what worries him the most.

"I am glad we got Taehyung back, and  I am glad we are slowly working through these financial issues, thanks to you, really. But this redemption is not of any use if your this broken." It's true we are slowly recovering, the first time in a couple years that we haven't struggled to make daily ends meet. We are slowly gaining momentum, but it has a price on his head, on my head, one I have already paid. Dearly.

"Whatever it is, it has taken away your happiness, and I don't like it. You used to be joyous, joon-ah, you used to be cheerful at the family that we have, and you ought to be, now that everything is alright. But your just...gone. It's like your living but you don't have a purpose anymore. Your here, but gone at the same time." It's the first time he has said this. Usually he would call me for a talk, and when I wouldn't open up he would only remind me that he was always available to listen.

I've contemplated telling, just telling them everything, but it's not as easy as it sounds. The words don't ever leave my mouth, too painful to talk about, let alone acknowledge. Even now, with his accurate observations, I can't say it out loud. Instead, these emotions clog up my throat. Familiar, but more raw than I've ever felt it. It hurts to even think about it, and I can't help myself as my eyes water.

"I know I have asked you to talk to me, I still do, and it's ok if you still don't want to, but son...you need to make peace with whatever this is. You need to make peace with yourself, otherwise this thing is going to consume you whole. It's eating you alive, chewing away at your soul, and making you this shell of a person. You need to face whatever it is before it's too late." Tightly, I close my eyes at his words, willing myself not to breakdown. It's been long overdue, and when I can't keep it in any longer, I can't let go right now either, not in front of him.

He is wrong about this thing going to consume me soon though, because it already does. Each day, each night, it eats at me like he says. There isn't a day, an hour that I haven't thought about him. A minute doesn't go by without him plaguing my thoughts, Seokjin is here, he is present in my heart and mind, but absent everywhere else, and that haunts me everyday.

Even more since he showed up here yesterday. When he came around I felt like I could breath once more, I felt like I was living again, but it was quickly ripped from me when I realized I still couldn't be with him, I couldn't be near him. Miss Soojin is still at large, still a threat to Taehyung, and knowing her -even if I manage to get Taehyung out of her loop- she might hurt Seokjin, she has done it before, and I am not going to let her again.

He looked so broken yesterday. The words I spoke to him sliced him deep, they had visibly hurt, and my own heart had broken at seeing him so defeated. He had come all this way after two months of my bullshit. He had sought me out this deeply, only for me to turn him away, to chase him away so crudely. I had made him cry, I had hurt him, and seen his tears.

Ironically, I was hoping he would figure it out. I was hoping he would see through everything and come looking for me, but when he did, I blanked, I didn't know what I was expecting to do but i blanked. I chicken out, too scared of what that woman would do to him, or my family. Oh, how did I get here, how did this end up so badly. What did I do in my previous life to deserve such treatment? To be robbed of something so pure, and to hurt the love of my life.

My dad leaves after, and I stumble to my room, budging into my closet where I had kept my phone. I couldn't stand it, couldn't stand having it around knowing well I'd be attempted to use it, to call him, which would get me and him in trouble. It surprisingly still has some charge when I turn it on, so I dial the only number I've been relying on to keep me sane.

Jackson answers after a while, but he doesn't sound like he has any good news. I can't take anymore bad news.

"Is he a-alright?" I stammer into the phone, and a long silence follows, which I can here Jackson breath through, probably arranging his words. "I guess he is. I barely see him though." He replies, sounding equally defeated. "What do you mean you barely see him anymore? You live in his apartment building, and you work opposite his building..." I can't help state in reminder, getting progressively nervous when he drawls out a sigh.

"He has this friend that comes over, Jeon, or something, and I barely see him around anymore, he is just...not here, or at work." I swear my world collides as he speaks, my knees buckle down, and I find myself leaning on the wall. He's moved on, he is moving on, with Jungkook? Isn't that the friend he told me about? The guy he was supposed to get engaged to.

"Look, Namjoon, I don't know what your plan is, but you better do it now, before it's late." It's always late, it's been late ever since I left. We've both been hanging by a thread, the love we share been the only thing holding, but now I am not even sure that is enough anymore, will it come through? I have a bad feeling about this.

I exchange a few words of gratitude with Jackson, for keeping an eye out, and not blowing it up before ending the call. There is only one thing I can do, dangerous or not, I can't hold on any longer. I need him to still be mine, I need him back if I ever lost him. He can't leave me, god no, he can't. I love him, I love him.

I know I am putting my family and Seokjin himself in danger by doing this, especially with miss Soojin always watching from the shadows, even now, but I can't help it. I call him, I call Seokjin's phone. The first time in two months. It rings, and it goes unanswered. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't want anything to do with me, I've hurt him so badly, and maybe he doesn't want any of this anymore.

I try again, my heart leaping with joy when it answers. "Hello, Jin, baby..." I say out breathless, body sliding down the wall to sit on the floor. "baby, are you there?" I ask, a sad smile stretching on my face at the thought of him being in the other side.

"Who is this?" A unexpected deeper voice asks instead, wiping the smile of my face. "Who are you?" The man, asks  again, and I can't help feel like that ought to be my question. This is Seokjin's number, I am sure as hell of that. Thousands of things ran through my mind, is he safe, did he give this number away, has he moved on....

"It is Kim Namjoon, I am looking for Kim Seokjin." I say, sitting up, now more serious. There is silence on the other side, before a bit shuffling sounds, "he's not here, he's in the shower?"

"And, who are you?" I can't help ask, this indescribable anger and fear taking over me. "It's Jeon Jungkook, and don't call this number again, Seokjin doesn't want to talk to you."

"Why don't you give him the phone so he can tell that himself." I can't help growl into the phone, gritting out my teeth. Fucking Jeon. Why is he with Seokjin? Why is Seokjin taking a shower while he is there, why is Seokjin taking a shower?

"I'll be sure to tell him you called, but like I said, he doesn't want anything to do with you." I don't get another word in before the phone call ends, and I am left perplexed, and confused. I try again and again to call back but the phone doesn't go through anymore.

I am too late, I am fucking late and I've lost him. It's anger, and fear, and regret, and...what have I done? My body trembles, shaking with different emotions as I stand to my feet. Jesus christ what have I done? I've given up the only person I've ever loved, I've given away the only person that has ever loved me back regardless. This isn't true, this isn't fair.

My fists collide with the wall numerous times, my bones breaking and knuckles tearing. It hurts so badly, but it isn't nearly as bad as what I feel inside. It's like a fire has been lit inside my chest, it's burns from the inside, and it's tearing at my heart, his heart, this heart belongs to him...

Screams of pain leave my mouth as I torture myself, hands rushing to pull at my strands as I breakdown. I don't know how long  it lasts, but when I am done, two month worth of stress is off my shoulders, worry isn't a word to me, and I am not sure why or how my heart is still beating yet. Instead I just feel numb, I am just here, a body without anything else. I am just a shell of a person.

"Namjoon-ah, there is guy looking for you, he says his name is Min Yoongi -" Taehyung stops in his tracks as he enters the room. I don't look up but I know he is taking in the state of everything. Everything broken into pieces just like myself. I am slumped back on a wall, barely holding on from plunging into the darkness when he spots me.

"Hyung..." He screams as he enters the room, immediately kneeling to his feet to take my face between his hands. There is tears in his eyes as he stares at me crying, mouth opening in silent words that I oddly understand. "Hyung, what are you doing to yourself?" He questions, whispers almost.

"Your crying again. Is it because of me?" My hand grips onto his wrist tightly, my eyes forcing his to stare at me. "Nothing is your fault, nothing at all, you hear me?" I scold, disappointed that he still thinks everything is his fault despite all we've gone through. He is the only thing that keeps me holding on, the only reason I haven't gone insane yet. He somehow reminds me that at least something good came out of this. He is alive.

Even if it wasn't my decision, at the end of day I still picked Taehyung. I chose my brother and I don't think I regret that decision. He is alive and well, and that is far much better, his life is way greater than the love I traded for it, even if it wasn't fair. I love him, I love him so much, and I don't think I could ever bear it if something ever happened to him.

He finally nods, hugging me close before inspecting my bruised hands. There are my wounds from this battle, one I'd never forget. I don't know if it's over yet, but I hope not, because despite everything I still have some fight left in me, some part of me that is never going to give up. He took my heart, and he'll have it with him until we meet again. Might be tomorrow, next week, next month, perhaps next year, regardless, we shall meet again.

I know we will.

Phew, that was... something. I think what this books needs mostly, when your reading it, is patience. I spent the first half, more than twenty chapters at the beginning, on the development of