Namjoon.

"I can't believe he fell a sleep after all that whining." Seokjin offers, lightly scolding nobody in particular, a scoff escaping his lips as Taehyung makes his way through the doorway with an exhausted Jeonghan glued to him.

"I think we wore him out with all the running." I laugh, finding a bit of humour at the trickery that is Jeonghan. Funnily, the kid had given in to sleep the moment we had hit the road, then clung to Taehyung on the way up to their condo. He was exhausted, could barely keep his eyes open, but didn't want us to leave nonetheless. Somehow he just had this fear within him that we wouldn't come back, or we'd leave him forever or something. I don't want him thinking like that, because that's never gonna happen, so of course we agreed to take him home and put him to bed, well, Taehyung in particular who had offered to carry him up to his room.

Seokjin and I watch in amusement, stifling laughs when Taehyung tries to pry off the little one, who only clings to his neck, legs tight around his waist, refusing to go down on his own. It makes it even funnier that his eyes are closed, almost like he's half a sleep, yet Taehyung can't get him off.

"Does he do that often?" I ask between laughs, half convinced the kid is only pulling a fast one Taehyung. Seokjin however nods, not able to keep his laughs either. "All the time, wouldn't sleep without cuddling, and if he cuddles you, you gotta bare it until he fully falls asleep." I find that cute, even more when Taehyung gives up, jutting out his lips in a defeated pout. "He takes putting people to bed seriously, huh?" He says, equally amused, and Seokjin waves him off, smiling. "Give it a few minutes, he'll fall asleep quickly that way." He lets out and Taehyung does just that, climbing in bed with the kid before cradling him close to lull him sleep. It's almost fitting, with Taehyung being a cuddle monster too. Absolutely clingy when sleepy.

Maybe Jeonghan got this one from him....

I can't help my eyes as they rake the fairly large room that Seokjin has set up for him. Everything is still brand new and made, and it makes me remember that they just moved in a few days ago, still adjusting. It looks comfortable, beautiful and spells a lot of Jeonghan, and instinctively my eyes dart to him on the bed, where he is cuddling his uncle, looking peaceful than ever.

"How is he holding up?" I can't help ask, having not talked to Seokjin on detail about how he's fairing. I wanted today to be just about him having fun and forgetting, but the worry of his well being is inevitable. He's our son, and although I've only come to the knowledge of him recently, I can't help not worrying about him, about how all this is affecting him.

Seokjin let's the door shut, blocking my view of the kids on the bed. He lets out a sigh before leading the way down the hall, and I follow to the silent request, feet moving from the door to ensue silence for the sleeping ones, and to give me and him the privacy to talk.

"He's trying. This dynamic with just him and me is new, and he hasn't adjusted to living without Jungkook, or a father for that matter, but he's trying. We talked yesterday, and I think managed to successfully put across to him the few details he needs to know." I know it's been hell for him to cope, but I am happy that's he's trying, that he's getting used to this normal. I know we haven't told him yet about me, but it's far much better this way, as opposed to bombarding him with everything at once. It will be easier to ease up into their lives and take a place, before changing that dynamic. I am in no rush, because I know in my heart he's my own flesh and blood and nothing is ever going to change that.

Seokjin sighs again, and for a split second I see dejection in his eyes, he looks worn out as well, dispirited, a look I've seen him secretly wear all day. There is that layer of confusion for him, a kind of guilt he still carries around, hesitancy, and it's made my mind swirls with what exactly is going on in his head. "And you, are you ok? Is this fine by you?" I know he hasn't had much of an option when it comes to Jeonghan getting to know me, and this arrangement is just as new to him. Who is to say, he might not be completely ok with it, or he might already be overwhelmed with this.

He blinks back, eyes widening a bit before he purses his lips. "Of course I am fine with this." He motions between us, and I take a silent breath, nodding, urging him to continue. "Your his parent too, and you have every right to be with him, especially now. Sure, its new, but it doesn't make me uncomfortable, if anything I am happy that your presence is able to put a smile on his face. He's happy and that makes me happy."

"So what's with the hesitancy, what's holding you back?" I can't help pry, waiting patiently when he heaves in a breath. He looks at me, gulping and I can tell the difficulty that it spells for him to talk about this.

"I am ok, I just...I feel bad for being the reason for this. I've made some poor choices and it all just reflects back. I feel guilty for having robbed him and you of so many opportunities." He lets out and my heart tugs at the familiar feeling I know I've carried myself for a while. For the longest time I took blame, I felt so horrible for having left like I did, and for not providing him with any answers as to what was going on. Just plain out abandoned him. I struggled with that a lot, still do at times, but slowly, I have come to accept that we didn't have a lot of a choice.

Some things were in our jurisdiction, but events that led up to them, robbed us of the chance and opportunity to chose wisely, or sanely, and I am learning not to hold that against people, especially not him.

"We agreed this wasn't out fault. We didn't have much of a choice, remember, and for that we can't keep holding ourselves accountable for things we had little to no control over." I remind him, to which he only chews on his lips, staring intensely at me. "Easier said than done." He mutters, and I know it's one thing to say it, but another to actually rid yourself of the burden of guilt. I am no foreigner to that either.

"Perhaps. But it's a start, isn't it?" He thinks on it a second, but nods in the end, managing a smile, and I offer one back, knowing he's willing to take a step forward just like I am.

It still baffles me how far we've come. Seven years down the line and we are back here, different but somehow still the same. We are not together but still parents nonetheless, and oddly I think of the same fate that tore us apart putting as back together. Some twisted game it's played on our lives. I can't dare think of how different things would have been if our lives didn't meet this fate. I can't dare think of how long we would have dated, if maybe we would have had different careers, or maybe we would have made it with our dreams, got engaged and lived quiet happy lives with our kids. Perhaps it would have been happy, that makes me think of all the happy and intimate memories that led to us to this reality. As much as our lives have been traumatic, there was once happiness in it. Passion, transparency, intimacy, everything that still carried out to this reality we are living.

Oddly, the best part of it all is what I missed, his pregnancy. Since I learned about Jeonghan I've tried to go back in time and try to deduce when we actually conceived him, and each time I somehow just come up short. Not that I was doubting that he was my son -the resemblance to me is striking - but more of not knowing exactly when because to my knowledge we always used protection, and he was on his pills regardless of whether there was protection or not. 

"What?" I am brought back by the sound, and I realise quickly that I am smiling, a bit drawn in in my own world. "What's so funny?" Seokjin questions once more, and an even bigger smile stretches to my face, a bit of embarrassment present, my cheeks heating up at the thought. Oh, way to be shy about it now...

"I just realized I don't remember when we..." I stumble over it, not wanting to offend him, but somehow still amused at the dynamic of it all. "...of all the things I imagined when we separated, I oddly didn't think of pregnancy in it. We were always careful, and it didn't exactly occur to me that that would happen." I opt for this instead, relief washing over me when his own cheeks immediately heat up, and he immediately scratches the back of his neck, hiding.

"Oh, that. I didn't anticipate it either, not with the how careful we were at least. But I think my pills were revoked, or in the least the protection wasn't so effective." How to word it; that the condom might have broken. It makes him embarrassed, and I watch in amusement as he flames up, his eyes anywhere but me.

"Were you doubtful, about Jeonghan?" There is no offense in his tone as he asks, just pure curiosity and of course I shake my head in disagreement, never once thought about him lying when he revealed that the boy was mine. I could feel it my veins, I could see it with my eyes, there was no way it couldn't be true.

"If you would like, we could always do the tests, just for the sake of it."

"That's not necessary, Jeonghan is proof enough of him being from us, plus, I know you wouldn't ever lie to me about this." Somehow I trust him, not only with this, and not only with our son, but with everything else as well. It's just something that hasn't ever changed all these years, something I still harbour so strongly for him.

"Great. But just so you know I hadn't been with anyone else after you till I found out. So there wasn't any question to it right from the beginning." He says, determined, and a part of me stirs at that, at knowing nobody had touched him right after we separated, at least not for a few months. Partly it makes me wonder when that was, when he found out.

I don't want to bring up the past, or make him revisit if it's uncomfortable for him, knowing the memories he might have, but a part of me, since I found out about the child, has wondered what it was like to have been carrying our son, to have been alone with that kind of responsibility.

"How far along were you when you found out." My voice drops, and so does my gaze to him, but he only tilts his head to the side, blinking back, his eyes narrowing in the slightest, a ghost of a smile hovering over his lips.

"Surprisingly, almost half into in. At four months." He states, letting out a laugh when my eyes widen at that. Four months, is that even possible.

"No way." I reply, somehow feeling like he might be pulling my legs, but he only throws his head back with another laugh, which only leaves me perplexed and confused as to whether he's joking or not. "How is that possible?"

"I don't know. I didn't think of it, and to top it off, there were no signs, no anything, I just went about my days normally. Anything out of the ordinary I associated it with the break up, I didn't think it would be this." He doesn't seem sad as he mentions us separating, or the torture after that he had to be going through and that makes me think of the step he might be taking, away from the painful past. If he can talk about it after avoiding it for so long, it definitely is something.

"I flew to the states, but fell ill the next day, and I was greeted by the news when I went to the doctor. It took me that long."

"You at least had a bump." I say out  not fully grasping how that was possible. He snickers at the unbelieving look in my eyes, his feet moving from the end of the hallway we've been standing at to the direction of the living room. I follow suit, taking a seat in the couch when he ushers me onto it.

He walks to the corner on the other end, seeking through the few boxes that are still stacked over each other, before allocating one specific one, which he opens, only to pull out another smaller looking box.

"There might have been a bump, perhaps a tiny one, but it was barely noticeable, even to me. I wasn't showing at all, and when I found out, it barely grew. I could still fit most of my clothes at nine months." He says, half brags as he sits cross-legged on the couch, facing me. He puts the box between us, and I turn to face him as well, not able to dispute his earlier statement as he pulls out of the box, a picture of him.

He's dressed in a white shirt, the ends of his black shorts mildly showing under the shirt that hangs mid thigh. It's fairly a large cloth, but his hand visibly gathers up one end, so that the shirt is tight and clung to him, while his other hand holds up the phone to the mirror.

True to god, there isn't much to look at around his abdomen, almost as flat as I remember it. "That's the day I found out. Could you tell?" He asks amusedly, not at all paying attention as he sorts through the other pictures in the small box. My eyes however trail up to his face in the photo, noting the lack of emotion, yet the sadness that is present in his eyes. He looks void, empty, and it almost hurts how immediately I can tell.

"There is something to at least look at in this one. This was me at six months along." He hands me another, then another, and despite the growth and the bump that gradually grows in the pictures, the sadness for him remains the same, and it makes my heart clench at the torture that it must have been to be by himself. Sure he had Jeon, but Jeonghan was ours, and the knowledge that I abandoned him, and the answers that he might have been seeking must have been hell for him.

I look up as silence prevail, and I realise I have gone quiet looking between the months of memories of his photos, and he's deeply immersed in the print picture situated between his fingers. He chews silently on his lips, his eyes trained on the photo while his thumb traces over the picture almost delicately.

Even from my view I can tell the sadness etched on his face on the photo, perhaps more than the others, and gently I lean forward, my own fingers tagging at one corner of the picture to get a good look.

"This was a few hours before I had Jeonghan."

"You looked sad." I can't help state, my eyes wandering over the picture of him standing in front of a mirror as always, black sweat pants ridden lower under his now grown bump, his shirt unbuttoned all the way, showing all over his chest and his abdomen.

"I remember feeling so scared. So alone." He whispers the last part, almost like he's reliving it, but otherwise stays glued, entranced by it. I can only imagine the fear he must have had going into it alone, bringing our son into the world without his father, and still thinking I left him.

"I wish I was there." I find myself revealing, unable to meet his eyes, fearful of the pain that might still be feeling from me having left him. His thumb however traces to the corner I am holding, and gently he caress my fingers, reassuringly, eyes searching mine for a second. "I wish you were there too." He doesn't sound as sad, more of nostalgic, accepting, and I allow myself to nod, not wanting to wallow in a lot of I wish -es

"He was super healthy when he was born, though. Weighed more than I thought he would." He says as he puts the photo aside and picks on another one, mood instantly changing to a cheery one as he wears a smile at the photo of Jeonghan.

He's about a few days old according to Seokjin, bundled up in his blanket, cutely and peacefully a sleep. He looks a lot like Seokjin, but oddly a little like Taehyung too, a resemblance I don't hesitate to mention to Seokjin, who bursts our into laughter at the recognition.

There is another with him in his diapers, laid on his back on the bed, his little dimples on display, the first time he laughed -seokjin says.

He has another with him sitting, his toys before him, a cute pout etched on his lips, looking deeply immersed in playing by himself, he's four months old. Then another with him showing his favourite candy, Seokjin says it was a treat after his first word, which of course he insists was 'Appa' although I suspect differently.

There is another with him clad in a Seokjin's clothes, his little feet drowned in the oversized shoes, frame unnoticeable under the large shirt he has on, and face covered with the sunglasses he downs over his eyes. The only thing visible is the blinding smile he shows the camera, and the clutch he sassily tucks under his arm, his first of many impressions of Seokjin. Spot on, by the way.

We loose track of time as he shares with me the memories of our son growing up, the one's he's kept with him all this while. There are so many pictures, and a flash drive containing tonnes of home videos showing the transition of Jeonghan as he grows, which he doesn't hesitate to show me as he sets up his laptop quickly. It contains each and every little detail I missed. From his first step, to his words, to his running, to first day school, first soccer match, first friends, birthdays, and so forth.

For a moment it's almost like I am there, like I am watching him grow as time passes, and it warms my heart that there is at least this kind of memory that I can see, that not everything is cramped up into my imagination and my dreams. I know I wouldn't be able to fit in the actual memories that I missed, but seeing him in these pictures and videos, gives me a type of satisfaction that I at least know what he looked liked, what he was like.

I don't know how long we stay there watching, but I know I laugh, I cry, I am grateful, and I am happy. I am contended, more than thankful for today.