Namjoon.

Raising a fist up to the door, I stop myself short from knocking, debating in my head whether I actually want to do this. I do want to do this, I just don't know if he would want to even see me, let alone talk to me. I don't deserve his time, not after what I did; how I left him without a word. I just upped and left, a lot like I did back then, and that was shitty, that was stupid, and low. I basically abandoned him once more, just ran and hide like a coward, for two fucking days, and now I am here at his door?

Taking a deep breath, I allow myself to make my presence known, knocking gently on the wood of a door, head swirling with scenarios of how this could go. It's unpredictable, and I half expect him to throw close the door on my face, but a part of me hopes otherwise. I wish I can just get a chance to talk to him, to explain...

These past two days have been hell, pain and confusion, and for the nth time in my life I just wanted to disappear, I just wanted to go back and do it right, maybe all over again. It was like reliving the past, and I just locked myself in my room for some space, space to think and torture myself. Taehyung had to budge in there to yell at me, and to remind me that I couldn't just be thinking of myself, while I had a son, and a man that loved me to death....

It was shameful how I had left him, how I had creped out on him like a thief, in the dead of the night. Just left him there, sleeping soundly, after all that we had done. We had made love. No, we had had sex, then later made love. His body had joined with mine on his bed and through the night we'd soared in pleasure, we had been joined in something bigger than us, something sweeter than we could ever imagine. It was marvelous, magnificent, he had looked beautiful, magical with each second, every moment of it still engraved in my mind.

It had gone on through the night, his efforts and silent words of his love for me loud and clear, echoing in each action, each touch and each kiss. He had professed love to me, in words and in actions, and like a coward I had just ran from it, too scared to want any harm to befall him.

At the break of dawn I had pried of his loving arms, left the comfort of the beauty that he was, and just leapt out. He must be angry at me, and oddly I would understand if he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, if he's hurt or infuriated by my actions.

The door eventually opens, and I watch silently as the smile on his face wans off into a look of surprise, before he then tries to force a smile again, the pretense visible when he can't keep it for another second. He's already dressed for work, his navy blue suit fitting every curve of him that I know, every corner that I can draw with my eyes closed. He looks elegant, beautiful.

He is just as surprised to see me, his eyes dimming a little at my sight, but he tries to cover it up, acting normal as he switches on his feet, before turns to look at the wall clock adjacent to his living room.

"Your early, Jeonghan isn't ready yet, he hasn't even woken up." He states in reminder. I did promise to take Jeonghan to school today, and I am here for that, but I was hoping I would get in some time with him too, although I find myself entranced by his sight, just staring at the beauty that he is, that and the confusion following the lack of reaction from what's pending between us, what I did...

"Can we talk?" I eventually find my voice, and I know he knows with the look on my face what I mean. I would respect it if he declines, aware of the torture I must have put him through when I just left like that. I twist nervously in the inside, feeling a little fearful of being turned down. I need to explain to him, it's the least I could do after all that happened.

"Please." There is clear desperation in my voice, but I don't really care what I sound like, heaving out a sigh of relief when he steps aside to usher me into his house. He beckons me to take a seat, in the same couch we had made love the other night, the same couch he'd let me in on every piece of him, right before I left him. Shame washes over me, and I still, gulping as the magnitude of what I actually did fully settles in. What was I thinking when I left him?

"I was going to make coffee, would you like a cup?" He asks, closing the door behind him before swiftly avoiding my gaze as he treads past me. I would like something to cool my nerves, but I can't wait, can't hold anything else inside for a second longer, can't stand the hurt that's present on his eyes, so I find myself grabbing at his wrist, turning him round before bringing him closer.

He stops just few inches from me, eyes widening in the slightest, but otherwise glisten with a few tears. It's clear as day that I have hurt him once more, even if he tries to keep it from me, ducking his head as I search his gaze. I caused him pain once more, let him hurt after that special night....

"I am sorry. I am sorry I left the way I did." Its the first thing that comes to mind, the most pressing thing I've wanted to do since I left the other night. I have wanted to apologise, to let him no how much I regret walking out on him like that.

"It's ok. You didn't owe me anything." He counters, but it's clear he's forcing out those words as well. He purses his lips, gulping, before meeting my eyes in what is supposed to be surety, rather it's only forced conviction, and it's visible that it isn't alright. It's admirable how he tries to stay strong, how he isn't expecting anything in return, or any reciprocation to the love he confessed to me, but even he can't fool his heart, he can't stop himself from hurting or feeling a type of way from my actions.

"The last thing I should have done was walk out on you like that. Leave, like I did before..." I whisper out the last part, words feeling heavy as they come out of my mouth. I left him a second time, that easily, like the night hadn't meant anything to me. "I shouldn't have, I didn't want to, I just..." He looks up to me expectantly, and I know he's equally interested in the reason, or my excuse for this matter. I wish there was another cause other than the fear I felt, something tangible and explainable, something I could say for sure that made me walk away from him, but in reality there is just none I was just a coward.

"...I was scared, scared of messing it up, and loosing you once more. I feared reliving the nightmare, waking up without you and our son." I couldn't explain it, the terror it spelt for me to even think of a life without them, to think of something happening to them, or them going from me. All of it started from seeing Soojin.

"Seeing her again made me think of what could happen to you or to our son and I couldn't stand it. I condoned more the idea of preventing it before it happened than fighting for what I wanted." Seeing Soojin again was a wake up call, and all I thought about doing was protecting them. There was anger and fury at the audacity of her to even show her face to us again, but when that died, when it dissipated, the fear of her doing what she did to us once more, felt real. Somehow I felt like she would crawl into our lives one way or another, and find a way to tear us to shreds once more, break apart the little family we've made, and that stirred everything in me. I couldn't stand the thought of them ever suffering in this life again. I gave into fear and made a hasty decision.

"I thought it would protect you. That if I kept anything from growing than it already has, then I would protect you and Jeonghan from anything that she would try. I thought staying away might have helped." I rumble on, out of breath. He closes his eyes at the confession, a few droplets of his tears rolling down his rosy cheeks. I thought if we just kept the boundaries we'd already broken, if we didn't give her reason to tear us apart once more, then we would have been alright.

He seems to know the fear and the pain that she's caused us, he knows just as much of the struggle like I do, he's suffered through most of it, so I am not surprised when he nods his head, sniffling in the silence. But even then I know it's not alright, I shouldn't have reasoned that way.

"I understand." He forces out, stepping back from me already, and my heart thumbs at the thought of him going, of departing from me once more. I thought long and hard about this, and I don't want him to go.

"What I did was stupid. It was foolish, cowardly, and I regret it." I step back in his bubble, my hands finding his beneath us, searching his face once more. I squeeze his hand in mine, eyes raking over his beautiful but tear stained face. God, I hate seeing him crying, hurting, especially because of me. "I let that woman control my decisions once more and it was stupid. I caved under pressure, out of fright, and that was lacking. Forgive me." My voice shakes as I look into his eyes, feeling shameful for having have left like I did. It's just that part that kills me, that I possibly put him under the same kind of pain with that rush decision. I just felt so cornered, felt so little again with the thought of Soojin, and I hope one day he understands that.

"Joon-ah." He whispers out, crying, a pout forming on his face as my own eyes water. I've kept this in for so long, and it actually hurts to say it out loud. It's been compressed inside of me, been driving me crazy it hurts to finally look into his eyes and tell him so.

"I don't want to anymore. I don't want to run or hide anymore. I don't want us hurt or suffer any further. We've given up a lot, we've endured so many things, and I don't think I can take anymore. I am tired of this game, I am tired of people trampling over us and taking, of robbing us of everything we have, every single of shred of happiness we've shared. We've given up so much, let everyone else have their way, and I am tired of that." I close my eyes, my throat clogging up at the emotions that are going through me. I am exhausted of this, of giving without anything in return, of people taking advantageously from us and I can't live like that anymore.

"I don't want to be scared of anything or anyone anymore. I don't want live hiding you or my son, fearing for our welfare every time. I don't want to be pushed aside, or be intimidated, and it ends today. We've gone through hell and the least we deserve is happiness, peace." I look into his eyes with conviction, a part of me itching to kiss away his tears.

"I don't care if she's back or anyone for that matter. Nothing, and I mean nothing is going to stop us from living the life that we ought to live. I am going to do everything in my power, I'll fight if I have to, just so I can keep you and our son safe from everything we've gone through." He whimpers out a sob, and I know it's just as painful for him to hear all that out loud, especially with all that he's lived through.

I bring up his hands, before bringing the back of his palms to my lips, kissing them deeply, engraving his scent in my mind, feeling the softness of his skin on my lips. "I love you." I say to him when I pull away, noting the surprise that takes over his face.

I let his hands go, cupping his cheeks instead, cradling his face ever so gently. "I love you so much, you and Jeonghan, and I want to spend every minute of this life with you. I want to make amends with you and start all over again. I want to write our story fresh, start a new page, with just you and me and our son. I want to heal and move on with you, set new goals and achieve them with you. I want to find myself a fresh in your company, find us again in this mess of a game. I want a life with you, want to spend a lifetime with you, grow a family and raise it with you. I want to love you and grow old with you..." He shakes in my hold, eyes closing as he chokes out a sob, and I bring him close, pressing him to me in a hug which he gladly accepts.

When I came around I was only planning to ask for forgiveness, perhaps I would tell him that I was done running too, and that I wasn't going to let anyone push us over anymore, but being this close to him, and seeing his emotions this raw-ly, I just can't help it. Can't keep everything that I feel for him inside, everything that I've pressed down all this while.

It's him, it's always been him, the only person that I have, and will ever truly love, he's the only one for me. I just hope after all this while, after all that I did the other night, he could forgive me. I hope a part of him still feels for me, although I would know better than to push if there isn't a chance, or if he isn't ready. We've gone through so much and at this point I'd understand if he doesn't want to anymore, if he's tired, or has surrendered.

"Give me a chance to start a fresh, to make new memories with you and live on a new page with you." I ask of him, internally a bit desperate for him to say yes. He'd presented me this chance the other night, on a silver platter really, to start a new with him, and I'd just ran, but I am here now, and I am incredibly sorry for that, and if I could undo it, I'd like nothing more than to be there for him and Jeonghan right now, and not just as his friend, or his co parent.

He looks up, blinking back his tears, eyes a bit hesitant. "Joon-ah, I don't want you saying this just because you feel obligated to be there for me and Jeonghan, or because you feel pressured to give me a satisfactory answer." He raises his concern, which I see where it might stem from. But I want this, I have in ages, he knows I do.

"I mean it. Every word of it and you know it. The two of you are my life, and I want nothing short of being with you for the rest of our lives."

"Promise me then..." He chokes out as he pulls from me, looking into my eyes, balling, oddly still cutely pouting. "Promise me you won't ever leave me or Jeonghan again..." He says, half begs with his eyes, and I hate that he thinks he has to ask for that. We still have a lot to work on, still have wounds and scars that we are yet to seal and attend to. We still have to heal, yet I couldn't think of a better way to do it other than with them. They are in every bit a part of me, and I want to spend the rest of eternity making it up for them, loving them, and living it with them.

So gently I cup his cheeks in my hands once more, delicately, a smile dancing on my lips at the thought of him actually having given me a chance. I press down a drawn kiss on his forehead, showing him my gratitude and respect, my love and affection, my lips parting slightly over his skin to inhale the scent of his skin. 

"Never, ever again." I reassure him when we pull away, smiling gently at him when he brings up his hands to rub around my wrist. He smiles in return, sniffling as I wipe away the last of tears. "You mean it?" He asks timidly, looking into my eyes, and I internally cheer at the magnitude of what is happening. We are together. We really are back together, and it feels like most right decision I've ever made.

"Every word of it." I clarify to him, smiling in sincerity. He nods to himself, blinking back, before he pursues his lips, a move that captures me like always. My eyes flicker to his lips, doused in his lip balm, and I am just reminded a fresh of how much of him I've missed. I gaze back to his eyes, and he looks at me with just as much need, just as much silent want in his eyes.

I draw in his face, teasing in the slightest as I brush his nose to mine, tilting his head side to side, in a play like manner. He giggles, sounding the happiest I have ever heard him in a while, and it warms my heart that there at least peace for him at the moment.

No words need to be said as I press his lips to mine, and just like the first time we ever kissed, it's gentle, true, yet so passionate, and intense. There are a thousand words to it, a thousand promises and a thousand vows. My lips glide smoothly with his, a soft breathless moan breaking past his lips when we pull apart.

"I love you." I remind him once more, his cheeks tinting in the slightest in a blush. He leans in, pecking my lips, smiling. "I love you more." He whispers, and I snicker, cutely bopping his nose with mine. "That's impossible..." I joke, before capturing his lips in another kiss, more urgent and heated this time.

It's still surreal, that we are actually doing this, we are getting back together, but it also feels needed and overdue too. I really can't believe he's mine again, mine to hold and to cherish forever. Perhaps it's early, or hasty, and maybe there are a lot more obstacles than we could ever imagine, but I love him, I love him with everything in me, and he does me too, and nothing could ever change or beat that. What we share is all that matters, and as long as we have each other we can conquer anything from here on, together forever.

"Appa?"

The intense kiss is cut off by the frail sound of Jeonghan. We got carried away, we actually forgot Jeonghan was only in the next room. Seokjin pulls from me, eyes wide, already biting at his lips in worry. We still haven't exactly told Jeonghan about me being his father, not because he hasn't been ready, but because of the timing. We thought we'd share it with him a few weeks before his birthday, that way we could have ample time to explain and elaborate everything for him, perhaps over a small vacation or somewhere we could all spend some time together.

This isn't how I wanted him to find out, but there is no denying right now that he's seen a fair show of what we've been doing. Who's to say he might have been standing there for a while, and might have heard everything.

Seokjin looks to me for a second, and I see the silent lingering question in his eyes. It wouldn't hurt to tell our son now, or to at least try to, besides, I've been dying to call him my son out loud, to have him find out, and of course to finally see how he might take it. Offering him a nod, Seokjin turns in my arms, so that we are both facing the door Jeonghan is stood by.

He is still in his pajamas, face still ridden in sleep, hair askew, and his plushie in hand. His lips are etched into a frown as he looks between us, eyes darting between me and his Appa almost curiously.

"Come on, sweetie." Seokjin beckons him over with a motion of his hand, smiling reassuringly at the kid who pauses for a minute before treading down the hall to where we are standing. "Appa, what's going on? Are you are and Namjoon together? Why did Namjoon-ah kiss you? Is he your boyfriend?" As usual Jeonghan is his inquisitive self, looking up at Seokjin when he gets closer, the older only tilting his head to the side before shifting on his feet.

"Boyfriend? Where did you learn that?" He questions back, looking equally curious as he stares down the six year old.
Jeonghan merely shrugs, "at school. A lot of my classmates have boyfriends." Seokjin's eyes widen, I am equally left wondering because he's only in first grade. I mean, he's smart, and he's probably been around a share group of couples at his age to know the drill, but still...

"Do you have a boyfriend?" It comes out stern, and I fight back a smile as the two glare at each other, Seokjin looking genuinely worried at the lack of answer, while Jeonghan just rubs his eyes with little fists, pouting cutely after. "Not yet. Can I get one?"

"Absolutely not." I don't stop myself first enough before replying, only realizing after, how it came out. I gulp, rubbing the back of my head, not at all apologetic about it.

He can't date until he's thirty...

Seokjin shakes his head in amusement, sending me a smirk first, before he picks up Jeonghan, so that the kid is between us, and can look at both of us easily. "Sweety, Namjoon-ah and I have something to tell you..." He pauses, gauging the kids reaction. Jeonghan glances at me, almost worriedly, and for a second as he adjusts his plushie I think he's about to protest, or ask another question, but he only pouts a second time, looking back at Seokjin almost pleadingly.

"Appa...can Namjoon-ah be my dad?" He asks lowly, and the other raises a brow, myself taken back at the request, in a good way anyway.

"You want Namjoon to be your dad?" Seokjin questions back, and Jeonghan nods immediately, glancing at me once more.

"He takes care of us, he plays with me, and takes me places, and he buys me toys and gifts..." He smiles as he counts on, and my heart melts as at the observation, even further as he looks at Seokjin with heart eyes, clearly excited. "...he also makes you laugh, and makes you so happy. If you two are together, can he be my new dad?" He asks, and I see tears lingering in Seokjin's eyes at the question, myself barely holding on. It feels good to know that he thinks and feel good about me.

"He is your Dad, sweetie." Seokjin says as he hands him over, and I cradle him close as his hands wrap around my neck, feeling a huge sense of accomplishment and belonging.

"Really, how is that?" Jeonghan mumbles on my neck, and I smile to myself, knowing it's going to be a tad bit easier to tell him the whole truth. Seokjin secretly fishes for my lips for an urgent kiss, clinging to my free shoulder and smiling into the kiss when he finally finds it, before muttering lowly to me.

I can't help think of anything more than I would want than these two people, than this family that I have. They are my life, what I've fought and sacrificed for, and will continue to.

"I love you too."