Hoseok.

Miss Soojin comes out of the building rather distraught, she looks to be sobbing, and is visibly upset as the driver opens the backseat for her. She hiccups with emotions, and I catch sight of her crying, hand covering over her mouth as the car drives away.

I can only imagine what went down in there. I know her history with Seokjin, and I know their relationship isn't the closest. It must have been hell for Seokjin to face her, someone who humiliated and betrayed him. Someone close that he trusted and respected, yet stabbed him in the back. Someone who ripped away his loved ones from him....

Miss Soojin might be on another level, but I am not far of from her. She might be evil and cunning, but I am just as disgusting. Seokjin and Namjoon must have chased her away at sight, and I know they would probably do the same to me too if I tried to face them.

I had dropped by for a talk, perhaps I'd get in time to apologise to Seokjin, or so I was hoping, but Soojin beat me to it. I had just come around the corner when I spotted her entering the building, so I just waited it out, knowing well she was going to see the same person I was aiming to as well. But now, seeing Soojin walking away defeated like that, my fate mustn't be any different.

I would love to talk to Seokjin, to just get in an apology, even in the littlest, for the sake of our friendship, but I am not sure he would even want that. He probably doesn't even want to see me, let alone hear anything from me. What Jungkook and I did was unforgivable, unfathomable, and I am going to spend the rest of my life regretting it. I don't know what got into me that allowed me to hurt my best friend like that, what I was thinking when I betrayed him over and over like that, and I'll forever live to wonder.

These past four months I've spent in hiding, trying to decipher at what point in life that I changed ways and decided to live like this. What point in my life that I saw it fit to hurt and betray my loved ones like that, and why I continued to do it over and over again. It's been hell thinking back to my past actions, the things I did and why chose to do them.

Dawon, my older sister took me in when I had nowhere to go. I had just been discharged and I couldn't find anywhere to hide myself from the shame of my actions, so I had just packed up and found myself at her door. I could have gone to hotel, but I didn't want to be by myself, fearful of what I would have done to myself again, or slipped and done....

Thankfully, her husband didn't mind, and they had welcomed me into their extra room without much of a thought. I wanted to share it with them but I couldn't, too ashamed of what I had done, and too scared of the disappointment it would have been for them. I couldn't bring myself to tell hem the horrid things I had done, and for weeks upon weeks I locked myself in and wallowed in depression. It was like everyday was a reminder, a new day that I had to relive loosing everything that I had.

I had to think about how I had hurt Seokjin, how I had kept on sleeping around with his fiance behind his back, sneaking into expensive hotel rooms with a man who was my best friend's and indulging in forbidden pleasure at every given chance.

Everyday I had to think about Jeonghan who I ripped away from the family he knew, who I tore his family into half, robbing him of the father he once knew. Each day I had to think about my friends and my family, the ones I had had little to no regard for as I tried to end it.

Each day a haunting reminder of the little one that had been in me that I had robbed of life, or an opportunity for it's father to choose. Each day I had to think about Jungkook, about his efforts, his constant efforts to reach out to me. The phone calls, the messages, the emails, and so forth. I had to think about why he still cared, what he still wanted with me, and why couldn't bring myself to get him out of my system.

I won't lie, I thought about ending it again. Just putting a stop to all the suffering and the pain, just be a coward and let go. I wanted to cease to hold onto that rope, to let it all tumble so I could be free. It would hurt my sister, and perhaps other people too, but they'd be free in the end. Seokjin would be free of my betrayal, Solar would eventually forgive me, and so would Dawon, and Jimin and the others would eventually understand. At one point it would have been just a memory, and I wouldn't have to think anymore, but in the end I couldn't, not that my sister would have let me attempt anything anyway.

She found me help, a therapist, and forced me to go. I hadn't been ready to let it out despite it hurting badly. The burden and the guilt ate a part of me everyday, but even then I felt like I needed to hurt, even a little each day to remind me that I was paying for my mistakes. It served as the reminder that I wasn't free, that I would never be free and that I needed to get used to that.

Each day had it's share of tears and heavy words, and eventually I found myself talking about them, about the people I hadn't muttered their names out of my mouth in months despite them being the only things in my mind. They were a couple, but Seokjin and Jungkook had been the hardest to talk about.

With Seokjin I couldn't bring myself to accept the betrayal that I had shown him. The hurt and pain that I had caused him and his son. It tore me apart everyday for weeks, it still does, and until I talk to him face to face, I can't ever lift off this burden. Until one day he forgives me for this sin, I could never stop feeling this way.

Talking about Jungkook was excruciating, hard, difficult, you name it. Other than every mixed emotion that would course through me at the mere mention of his name, I hated how talking about him, or thinking of anything about him would bring me to my knees, sobbing out in pain. I hated the confliction of emotion, the back and forth that would ensue as soon as I started talking about him.

I loathed him, but didn't at the same time, longed for him, but felt incredibly guilty for that in the same, and it didn't help that I didn't know of how he was. When I had left the hospital it was like a silent agreement to stay away from each other despite the circumstances, and as much as he tried to reach out, he had never physically sought me, and I hadn't done the same. I couldn't. Again, too scared of what would have happened. He was still the father of the child I had unfairly robbed him off, and that might have still been a fresh scar.

Admittedly it was wrong, gravely wrong to have taken the decision of what to do with the baby from him, all because he had left me, and I couldn't stay living in the guilt, but at the same time I couldn't have allowed myself to bring a baby into this world around those circumstances. All I thought of as I took those pills was the shame and suffering we were going to bring unto the child, the sin that he or she had been made in, and I couldn't...

Slowly, I am learning to talk about Jungkook, and about the baby, but it's still the most excruciating thing ever. I still cry myself to sleep each night, still breakdown and loose sense of living, but I am trying, at least until I get to apologise to the people around me. There isn't any need to attempt anything on myself anymore, no want to end it or anything like that, but occasionally I do think about the freedom it would set for them if I weren't here anymore, and it's because of that mindset that I still need to seek help.

The therapist thought it was a good idea to deal with one issue at a time, a person at a time that is, because talking about Seokjin and Jungkook at the same time has proven to be difficult, so I thought I would come around today - after days of debating what to do - to speak to Seokjin for starters.

It's proven difficult, just like I thought, and internally chicken out as I see him coming out of the building. Namjoon is beside him, holding onto Jeonghan's hand who is dressed warmly in the chilly weather, smile bright as he laughs at something Taehyung just said. The four of them play around as Namjoon beckons for the driver to bring the car around, looking all happy, especially Seokjin who leans in to steal a kiss from the other.

I don't know if they are together but they look it, and I can't help think they deserve it too, especially after everything Jungkook and I did to them, after torture through Soojin, and every piece of crap they'd have to put up with all these years.

It's the first time I am physically seeing them in four months, and the sight almost makes my knees buckle, a type of relief from knowing they are doing alright despite my actions. They look happy, or so I hope they are. I can't ruin that for them right now, or approach them when they are looking to be so jovial. It would only ruin their day or dampen their moods.

I adjust the hood closer to my face, but at the same time I do make eye contact with Jeonghan who is still holding onto Namjoon, but is inadvertently distracted from the conversation that is on amongst the adults. He sees me, and I see his eyes narrow in recognition, a little pout forming on his lips before he lets off gummy smile the next second, eagerly waving at me with his free hand.

It warms my heart to see that he still recognizes me, and is still as happy as always despite what I did to his family. Hesitantly I find myself waving back, not able to resist a small smile in turn as his face breaks into happiness. He however turns to beckon the others, and I duck behind the corner, leaning back on the adjacent wall that belongs to the building opposite KSJ.

I don't want them to think I am stalking them, or to dampen their mood by my presence, but it still does hurt, a good kind of pain to see them happy. It warms my heart to see them moving on, and not suffering any longer because my and Jungkook's action.

I'll try another time, perhaps when I am ready because clearly I am not. Sniffling back a cry, I pocket my hands, making my way back where I came from. I however don't get far as a hand wraps around my upper arm, strong grip stopping me in my tracks. For a second I think about Seokjin or Namjoon having noticed and followed me, and I turn around, heart beating at the confrontation I am about to receive, but that quickly flies out the window when I come face to face with the last person I expect -or would like to see.

I step back, stumbling a bit as my head whirls suddenly, blood suddenly rushing to my brain almost knocking me off my balance. My eyes widen, and my breath catches as I come face to face with Jungkook. He's visibly different, his hair a pitch black colour, eyes blood shot. He looks older than I remember, his face a little sullen covered in his equally large hoodie.

He stares at me, raw indecipherable emotions skipping past his face, too fast for me to catch. His grip tightens a bit on my arm, his lips parting in the slightest with a breath. He seemingly waits for me to say anything, but I stand in his presence, speechless, half wondering where he came from. Was he following me, where has he been, why is he here?

"Let go." I say out, sounding timid than I intend. I try to wiggle out of his grasp, suffocating in his presence for some reason. He half glares at me, but otherwise looks rather concerned.

His grip loosens, before he drops his hand, letting me free, letting out a breath in the same. "Are you ok?" He asks, voice sounding course, like its the first time he's spoken in days. He's looks worried about me, but he is not any better. He's visibly lost weight, his sunken face showing off more than the pain. He looks different, and I feel myself crumbling in the inside at the thought of him being punished for his sins too.

He lost his family, now alone and it must be torture for him, but even then I can't bring myself to look at him, or be near him, not because I don't care, but because I can't bare it. Admittedly, I do feel some resent towards him, attributed to a lot of different things, but in the end each choice to be with him was mine. I made it carelessly, let him lead me and use me. I allowed myself to be the other man not because he forced me into it, but because I was just as much at fault, which is why I can't ever find it in myself to blame him for everything, can't put everything on his shoulders while I played an equal part in this. I am just as much to be condemned, in fact, if someone needs to be reprimanded, it ought to be me. I took away the baby that we shared without his opinion. It was rush and stupid, and the circumstances compelled me to do so because I wasn't going to be alive either, but even then he ought to have had a say.

"I tried to reach out but you haven't answered. Are you alright?" He asks again when I space out, and I am reminded of what he's talking about. I don't know if he knows where I live now, but if he does he hasn't tried to budge in, or disrespect my privacy. He's strictly been trying through his phone, and I appreciate it because it has given me the chance to decline the conversations I am not ready for.

"Can we talk?" He asks, and at this point I can't help the tears, stepping back from him again. I can see the desperation in his eyes, the worry yet the longing, and I hate myself for feeling the same. I am just as desperate to leap into his arms, I hate that I would want him to hold him just one more time, to comfort me just once more. I hate that I would want to be next to him while I reel in this guilt, that I would prefer suffering and paying for my dues next to him, than doing it alone.

I hate that my heart hurts to see him suffer, his own eyes brewing with tears.

I can't speak to him at the moment, still can't face him after all these months, and I don't know if I ever will. It still feels fresh, and seeing him brings back every single memory that we need to atone to. Every other person that we need to apologise to, or compensate. Seeing him reminds me how much harm we caused others, and our reasons for it.

I loved him. The wrong way, but loving in the same. It was wrong the way we did it and he knows so well, defeat writing in his face as I look away.

"Not now Jungkook. I can't talk to you yet." I can never prepare enough for when I'll have to face him, but I sure can't do it now, that's a given, so I just take a good long look at his face, knowing well I won't see it for another long time. He seemingly understands and doesn't push, doesn't stop me either as I turn on my heels, hurdling closer in my hoodie and stifling a sob as I walk away from him.

It hurts like it did the first time, and I know it will continue to, until one day I find a way to rid ourselves off this guilt and this burden. Step after another I walk away from him, trembling with each cry, unaware of his similar state behind me. I regret it, all of it, and how I wish I could go back and do it right. How I wish....

I wish.