Namjoon.

I still do...

It takes him a second to realize and he tenses in my hold after, drawing in a shaky breath. "Joon-ah." He calls in a weak warning, pulling himself off me, much to my disappointment. I am already missing his warmth, his hold, and the familiarity of being this close to him. I've missed him so much, and now that I can fully remember what it's like to have him in my arms, I can't help myself.

Those words just fell right out, out of my heart, urgent, and I don't regret any part of it. I know they are true, they are there. Still sniffling he takes a step back, wrapping his hands around himself, eyes anywhere but me. I don't like it.

"Look at me..." I say, inching closer to bring him to my arms once more but he steps around me, wiping at his eyes and avoiding me at all cost.

"Jin."

"No, no you can't say things like that. I'm not -"

"I know..." I cut him off, clearly aware of what he was going to say. He is not free anymore, not mine to say such things to. He is engaged, to Jeon Jungkook, and although the thought alone makes my blood boil and my heart crush at the same time, he is still correct. I've got absolutely no right to say such things to him. My feelings maybe valid and pure for him, always clear and intended, but that doesn't mean the reverse is the same.

Unlike me he has moved on, he has a new life, one that I just can't invade with my presence. He has a son and he is getting married, and I think that's enough of a signal for me to stay away. I didn't expect anything further after having the talk, I did anticipate his forgiveness, and I was looking forward to things being alright between us, but I didn't think things would just magically work out between us, and we'd be together once more.

But holding him in my arms, that closely, has reminded me of something I've tried to bury deep, it has somehow brought back things that I have tried to conceal, and I've found myself hoping, holding on, and expecting him to feel something in return.

He holds my gaze from the other end of the elevator, hands still around himself, eyes teary. They are also begging me not to do this, not to pry further the things that I can see in him. "Do you love him?" I can't help ask, sounding a little desperate to be honest. I am desperate, and the thought of him with Jungkook and not me, is killing me, I can't help myself. He looks away, before putting on a brave, supposed -to -be determined face.

"Joon-ah -"

"Why are you hesitating?" I am quick to ask, accusing. I can see the fear in his eyes, and his reluctance to talk about this. I don't want to make him uncomfortable, but I need to know, otherwise I wouldn't be able to sleep at night with the nagging questions. I can't afford not knowing.

"Do you love him...like you loved me?"

"What does it matter. I am marrying him anyway." He counters, raising his voice. He is growing irritated by the questions, but it's only because there is something there, one we both know of. "He loves me and he cares about me. He the right one."

Perhaps that's true, Jeon loves him, I can tell, he cares about him too, and maybe he is the right one like he says he is, but what does Seokjin feel for him. Is he ecstatic, joyous, at being with him. Is he happy, and euphoric at getting married, and most importantly, does he love him back?

I know Jeon would make him happy, but there is a type of happiness that resides within someone for loving another, and I can tell he doesn't have that, because like me, his heart resides with another. It might be in my head, and I may have convinced myself that I can truly see it in his eyes, but I am almost sure that he still feels something, for me to be specific.

"Don't do it." The words leave my mouth without a second thought, and although I am treading too far past my lane, I don't want him to be unhappy. I don't want him to move on without me, especially to something as huge as marriage. "Don't marry him." I repeat and he doesn't seem surprised in the slightest, almost like he had been expecting me to ask that.

He stares for a second, just studying my face, lips twisting into a frown. "You can't ask that of me, Namjoon."

"Why not?" I ask back, inching close, closer when he doesn't back away. He doesn't have any specific reason, but he tries nonetheless, fidgeting with his hand. "Because you can't, I am marrying him, I...I love him." He adds the last part in attempt to send me off and to deter me from the things that I am thinking, but I am way ahead, and I can see it in his eyes.

"Not like you loved me."

"Joon-ah." He breathes as I corner him, hands hesitantly coming up to barricade my chest, keeping me from him, but still close enough to feel him. "You don't love him like you did me and you know it." I look into his eyes as I say it, and he knows well he can't deny it. Like me, for him, there is something there for me as well, like me his heart resides from him, with someone different, which is me, and although he might love Jeon, he doesn't feel for him what he felt for me.

What we had was powerful, beyond anything that either of us had ever felt and will ever feel. It was passionate and pure at the same time. Caring but intense. I loved him with every bit of me, with my heart and soul, my mind and body and I believe he did me as well. Never in my life have I ever felt so loved, so cared for and wanted. He was the only human on this earth that has ever brought out that in me, the only person that has the ability to break me apart and put me back together without a crack. He loves me too, I know he does.

Slowly he allows his hand to loosen, and doesn't protest as I move closer, his teary eyes looking up at me with something indecipherable. "If there is anything, even a little shred of doubt, then I am begging you. Please don't do it." He doesn't answer, his palms instead, covering his eyes as an abrupt sob comes from him. "Why do you h-have to say these things now. Why did I have to find out now when I was learning to accept that it's never going to be the same. Why is it like this, what games are these?" He cries and I can't resist cradling his face so carefully.

I don't understand it either, why the universe had to keep us apart for all this time, only to throw it in our faces at time like this. Things have just happened weirdly, and for one reason or another we've been apart, separated forcefully, and we've lived our lives with different burdens,  heavy weighing souls, and shattered hearts. I understand Seokjin more, and I hate to see him suffer further, he has had it worst, and although he ought to be relieved he is only hurting more, and it breaks my heart.

"Don't cry. Don't cry anymore it will be alright." I don't know if it will be ok, if anything will ever go back to the way they were, but I need to console him so, to remind him that I am here, and despite anything that might happen to us, I'll always be here. I hold him more closely, and without thinking, out of familiarity perhaps, I press my lips into his upper cheeks, just right below his eyes to kiss his tears away. I hate seeing him crying, and every bone in me doesn't allow me to do anything other than embrace him, join his body to mine and take his sorrows away.

"Don't cry." I add, pulling away to study his face. He somehow relaxes,  and only occasionally hiccups as his sobs die down. "We'll be ok, you'll see. Now that everything is out in the open, well find a way to be alright." I tell him, managing a smile to cheer him up, a ghost of a smile grazes his lips as well, and I can't help myself as I gaze at them, memories of his taste, and how they felt, swirling in my mind. They still look plush, doused in lip balm, and maybe softer than before. I remember it, all of it down to the last day I had kissed him goodbye.

"Joon-ah." He breathes knowingly, and a glance to his eyes, although restrained, shows just as much want, like me he remembers what it was like. "I know, I just..." I can't explain it. Despite knowing he isn't mine anymore, I can't explain what it is that is that is so compelling. Having him in my arms is proving difficult for my restraint, and with each second I can feel myself slipping, into a familiar mind space, with just me and him. "I know, it's just difficult not to." He knows what I am talking about, and although I know my limits, I tilt up his head, his nose brushing against mine ever so slightly. He is still shivering, and I glance once more at his eyes, only to find them fluttered close, breath coming out evenly. I don't think as I move forward and press my lips to his, firmly. There is no taste of him, no tongue and no teeth, just the warmth of his skin against mine, and it's relieving, quenching, like water has been poured to my soul once more. It's like he has breathed life into me, and I can feel again, all of it, just from his touch. I hold it for a few seconds just basking in the feeling of him with me, and the feel of his lips tightly pressed to mine.

I don't dare go any further than I've gone, knowing well I wouldn't be able to contain myself from doing something drastic. I pull back, smiling when he lets out a heavy breath, cheeks tinted and eyes still closed. 

"I am glad I got it all out of my chest, we still need to talk about a lot, but I am glad everything is now in the clear. I've spent a whole lot of time trying to find a way, and to figure out how to tell you, that I never betrayed you, and I am glad that, that burden is off my shoulders. At least it's in the open, and I know someday, even if it isn't now, you might manage to forgive me, and we'll be in a good place.
I am glad we don't have any more secrets." I assure him, still in my hold, smiling down at him, and wiping his cheeks.

I don't know if I say anything wrong, or maybe it's the action that he doesn't like, but he stiffens suddenly, eyes glued to mine before they well up with tears once more. I don't get it, why he is crying again, why does he looks so hurt once more?

"You'll be fine Jin, don't cry anymore." I try to sooth him, but he closes his eyes, shaking his head as more tears fall. "T-There is more." He stutters out, and I raise brow not following.
"What do you mean there is more?" What else could be there that I don't know about, I mean mostly, everything that had to be addressed, laid with me, and I've cleared it, and happily I'll give him any other explanation he wants, but I don't get what could possibly bring him more tears like this.

If it's his relationship with Jeon, I understand it... well kinda.

"There is some thing you don't know about." His voice breaks as he says it, and he shivers in my hold, seeming almost... fearful? What is going on?
I get chills down my spine, and my mind swirls with different things but nothing at the same time. All this while I thought I was the one harbouring things within myself, I thought I had the answers, but looking at him, how wrecked and scared he looks, like whatever he is talking about holds so much, I feel different. I look at him confused, worry taking over me, and the wait, burning as we stand in silence.

"What are you talking about Jin?" I ask, and he cries even harder, his legs almost giving out if not for my hold. The anxiety is killing me, "what is it?"

"I am sorry, I am so s-sorry." He offers between sobs, and although my heartbreaks just looking at him, I am more curious as to what he is saying, what he means.

"What are you sorry about -"

"Hello, is someone in there?" A voice comes just above us, knocking and rattling the door. Seokjin jumps in my arms, startled. He pulls from me, not sparing a glance despite the pending conversation. I am more concerned about what he was going to say before the interruption, and I pull his arm to get him to say it, but he only pulls back, trying to compose himself, this look of fear and utter distress, plus clear desperation - not sure for what though -present on his face.

"Tell me what it is.." I pressure, feeling anxious and an incredible for answers. "Hey, is someone in there?"

"Hobi, I am stuck in here." I hadn't even realized it was Hoseok. I am too occupied with my thoughts, the theories I am brewing, to pay attention. He won't tell me now, not now when we've been found, and not when there is that pleading look on his face, apologetic, and somehow just begging me to hold on. We've been stuck in here for more than an hour, probably more than two, and I know he wants nothing more at the moment than to get out of this cramped space.

"Oh my god, Jin, are you ok?" Hoseok asks worriedly.

"Yeah, I am alright, can we get out of here?" There is silence on the other side, one where Seokjin just fidgets with himself, unwilling to look at me. Why the sudden change, and what was he going to tell me before we got interrupted that seemed so important?

"We?" Hoseok asks, confused.

"Um, Mr Kim is here." He only glances at me a second before looking away, and it infuriates me to think he might be recoiling back to the person he was before. He is going back to his cold self, like he still doesn't know me.

"Oh, okay..." Hoseok sounds once more. "Jungkook is phoning the people in charge. We'll get you out in a few."

"I want to get out now, I can't be in hear anymore." There is tears in his voice, and I wonder if that's the exhaustion, or it's me. If perhaps he doesn't want to be in here anymore because of me.
There is muffled voices on the other side, shuffling then more mumbling before someone different sounds.

"Jin, baby, are you ok?" Seokjin glances at me at the his fiance's voice, quickly averting his eyes, and wiping his face. "Yeah, I am ok, I want to get out." He adds, the urgency clear in his voice.

"There are working on it, they are going to get you out any minute." Jeon chimes, and I just about roll my eyes at his comforting voice.

We spend the next few minutes with Jin avoiding me. He somehow just acts like none of anything that just took place on this elevator happened. He has shut down again, and although I don't feel the previous hatred from him, I think he needs me to stay away, for now at least.

The elevator door is finally opened, and Jeon doesn't wait a second as he helps out his fiance, hugging him close. I manage out as well, climbing to my feet, eyes glued to the couple on the side. Seokjin has his body buried into the CEO, shaking and somehow crying even harder. Jungkook glares daggers at me as he now comforts the other, assuring me with his eyes the wrath that will befall me if I at all have hurt Seokjin.

It's understandable why he is so emotional, especially after everything that we've gone through in there, but I can't get off my mind the thing that he wanted to say. It's bothering me, and I can't stop myself from thinking, and making ideas. One in particular stands out, it wants to stand out against everything else, and it scares the hell out of me. It makes my chest constrict in the worst way, and the blood in my veins to freeze. I can already feel the pain, and my eyes water at imagining it alone.