Namjoon.

The scene from a few minutes ago won't leave my mind, I am concerned but scared, worried but curious. Whatever Seokjin wanted to say had looked heavy, emotionally and mentally. It looked like it hurt him, like it had been hurting him for a while, but what peaked at my interest more was the look in his eyes, the apology and the regret, the fear and utter anxiety all rolled up into one, clearly setting a panic for him.

The way he had hid himself into Jeons arms and sobbed so bitterly was something, and immediately my head had started pulling strings together, desperate for an answer. I've always held the answers and this lack of them isn't sitting well with me. I've thought about almost everything that there could be, about anything that he might have wanted to tell me, but I've come up confused, decisive, and generally just short of an explanation, or maybe I've gotten the answer but I don't want to accept it.

It can't be, it surely can't be

By the time I get home, I am basically crazy, I am staggering on my feet, and the weight of everything that has happened today is starting to take a toll on me. I can bare all that we said, all that we did in that elevator, but it's the burden of not knowing the last part that kills me, or perhaps it's the  truth that I already know that is eating me away.

"Where did you go? We finished pretty early but Taehyung said you had something to do." Yoongi says as he comes into the living room, already dressed into his pajamas. I look at the clock and I realize it's almost 10p.m, how long were we stuck in that elevator?

"Uh, I was at KSJ." He raises a brow, "you didn't leave the building?" He questions again, gradually noting my disheveled appearance. My suit is untucked, tie loosely hanging and sleeves rolled. My hair is unruly from the many times I have ran a hand through it, and my face holds the day's stress.

"I went to talk to Seokjin." He looks confused for a second, so I clear my throat, feet moving to sit on the couch. "About me and him." I clarify. He has been in favour of me doing so, convinced it would dissipate all the tension, and provide a more suitable work environment for us, but after today I don't know if that will be possible.

"Well, did you talk?" He asks, sitting beside me.

"We got stuck in his elevator." I reveal, feeling a type of fear and desperation crawling to my senses. It's odd, but at the same time understandable with every minute that passes and the conclusions that I am drawing. "Shit, are you ok?" Yoongi asks in worry, and I nod, leaning back on the fabric.

"Yeah, I don't know how long we were there but it was a while till they found us." He looks a bit relieved at that, but he shouldn't be, because god knows I may have destroyed what I was meant to make. Admittedly, Seokjin now knows the truth, and by the looks of it, he may have taken it well, but the things that are pending between us are of magnitude, not to mention what transpired between us in that elevator, and whatever it is that he was supposed to tell me.

"I kissed him." I whisper out, but Yoongi catches it, and he almost chokes on air, sitting up in his seat. I can't believe it either, and I flutter my eyes closed, thinking back to when I had held so dearly to me. How fond and natural it had felt, and how tenderly and gently he had looked at me. It had felt so familiar, and I couldn't have stopped myself from wanting to remember more.

I kissed him, it wasn't anything sensual or passionate but I did it, and it had brought back every last memory of us that I had, everything that we shared, down to the reason I had loved him to even begin with.

"What?" Yoongi shrieks beside me, taking in my words. I know he was all about mending the relationship, and getting us on a right path, but this is too good of a path, I went a little far, did things I shouldn't have, but then again I don't regret it, I don't think I would have remembered how to breath if I hadn't done it. Seokjin had held my lifeline at that moment.

"We talked and he was crying, I was too, and it happened so fast..." Oh, it happened so slowly, painstakingly slow, and ended too quickly, but Yoongi doesn't need know that. He stands from his seat, pacing around, making me even dizzier. "No no no no, what were you thinking?"

"I wasn't thinking." I answer back truthfully. It was only me and Seokjin in that small compartment of a carriage, locked out from the rest of the world, and in turn our own little world had formed. There were no consequences in there, no after thoughts or worries, just me and him.

He stops pacing after a while, tilting his head to look at me, "did he want it?"

Did Seokjin want the kiss? Did he?

I don't know. All I remember is not knowing how to breath until I had kissed him. Perhaps he accepted it, and the reason as to why might be another different story, but the question as to whether he wanted it really....

"I don't know." I murmur and Yoongi let's out a curse under his breath. "Oh, Joon you can't just do that, fuck, Jeon is gonna kill you." Maybe he is right, I did touch his fiance, but by the looks of it, the man isn't as perfect as he seems to be. Seokjin didn't seem to know I had tried to reach him before, and I am not surprised that is so, I didn't think Jeon would tell him anyway.

"So how did it end, did you resolve everything, are you both ok now?" Yoongi asks and I think back to how it actually ended. With questions, and internal chaos. My thoughts are littered every where grasping onto anything that might draw my mind away from what I know might be true. I can almost feel my chest contract at the thought alone, my hands becoming sweaty at the sheer thought of it being true. But at the same time I can't deny it forever, it's right in front of me, and it's the only thing that (sadly) can explain Seokjin's hysteria earlier.

"The boy, Jeonghan, I think he is mine." I say out to Yoongi, the words sounding so real it makes my voice crack, emotions rising. Yoongi stops in his tracks, and the look in his face is the very explanation of shock. His eyes widen and as he gapes at me.

"Joon -" he tries, ready to argue and to protest. " -if this is about what I said the other day about him acting like you, it was a joke."

"I know it was a joke, but think about it. Just think about the kid for a second." I don't want to put everything together but it's impossible not to. Jeonghan is the exact age, and he fits right into the bracket of where Seokjin and I were together, and could have conceived him. Not to mention how Seokjin reacts every time I am around the kid and the resemblance that my mind is trying to form. Now, I may very well be making this up, and it might be all in my head to convince me of the future that I so long with Seokjin, but one has to admit that the facts are there.

"Seokjin wanted to tell me something, it looked important, but we got interrupted."

"It could have been anything." Yoongi counters, and I don't deny that. "Perhaps, but you weren't there like I was, you didn't see or feel the fear that was radiating from him. It was urgent, pressing, like I needed to know, yet he dreaded for me to find out at the same time."

"I know it's this Yoongi, I can feel it. He is my son." I choke on air as it dawns on me. I had tried to put it out and deny it but it's looking more real by the second. Fuck, what if its true? I basically abandoned not only Seokjin but my son as well.

My vision blurs suddenly with tears, my insides churning bitterly, almost like I am gonna be sick. My ears ring and I can basically hear myself breath, air that somehow can't reach my lungs. Fuck.

"Hey, come down, Joon." Yoongi shouts beside me and I look up to him, breath still heavy. I don't think I can comprehend this, let alone bare it, what will I do if this is true?
"What if he's my son, what if Jeonghan is my child, what am I going to do?" I am basically crying at this point, all my thoughts hazy with the truth. I know it's true, I feel it.

"I abandoned them, I abandoned Seokjin and my son..." I clutch onto Yoongi, guilty, desperate, and god so hurt. "You don't have proof that Jeonghan is your son Namjoon, and if he is, you still didn't -" he stops abruptly, eyes staring ahead and I follow his line of vision behind me, coming to halt at the middle of the stairs where Taehyung is standing.

He looks confused, and his eyes fix on mine, a little betrayal present. "You told me he was only a former friend of yours, what do you mean you abandoned him and your son?" There is all kinds of accusations in his tone, eyes hard, a little angry. He's probably been standing there a while, and has probably heard of every word, so I can't lie to him about it, not that I planned to anymore.

I did tell him earlier in the week that Seokjin was a former friend of mine, and that we had fallen off and we needed to discuss a few things to resolve our relationship. It was half the story, and I figured I'd let him in on everything after talking to Seokjin, but now, now he basically knows all of it and although he looks  disappointed, I think maybe it's time I tell him all of it...

"He is my ex boyfriend." I let out as he comes into the living room. "We were together back then when I came to Seoul for work. He and Hoseok worked together as designers, close to where I worked on construction."

"You dated him?" He asks incredulously, and I don't blame him. Myself I look back and I don't believe it. "For a few months, yeah, but then his mother came along, and she didn't like that I was dating him. She tried everything to keep us apart and eventually she cornered me."

"How?" He asks without missing a beat, eyes already watering. I know he knows what's coming, and I can already tell he's going to take it to heart, he's thought of it as his fault, despite not entirely knowing, what more now?

"She found out about your condition, and about your surgery, and she managed to delay what you needed the most. She had me take the money in exchange for leaving Seokjin and I -"

" -You chose me." He finishes with his own words, already emotional.

"There wasn't a choice to begin with Tae, I had to leave Seokjin behind."

"And you left him pregnant?" He asks in a low tone, reprimanding almost. "I didn't know he was pregnant, I don't even know if the kid is mine. All I know is that left him, without a cause or an explanation for it and now he's possibly with my child, a child that grown. It's been seven years, that's six years of his life and if I've missed it..." I deflate so quickly, panic taking over me once more. The thought alone is enough to break my heart, to bring me fear.

Yoongi pats my shoulders soothingly, and Taehyung's eyes soften at the confession. He looks at me for a while and I can see him breaking under the truth as well. Like me he thinks it's his fault that things are this messed up.

"Why did you wait this long Joon. Why did you have to wait all seven years to talk to him?" It baffles me why I waited this long, why each time I took the sidelines and a step back away from him. I could have looked for him, regardless of where he was in the world, or maybe I could have confronted him once he came back to Korea.

But deep down there was always something stopping me. A nagging thought of if he even wanted to see me to begin with, a kind of self loath that arose from everything that I had done to him, and the question of whether I was good enough of a man for him now.

"I wanted to be something in his eyes, I didn't want to be the boy who could be forced off with money and I wouldn't have an opinion or choice. But look how that ended, I could be having a little boy out there and I didn't know it. What will I do?" There is a tonne of emotion going through me, and the more I think about it, the more everything makes sense to me.

"Your gonna find out, I don't know how but you should. You've lost too much for this love, and you can't afford to lose or question anymore. The first thing your gonna do tomorrow us find out if Jeonghan is your son or not." Taehyung offers seriously, and Yoongi nods in agreement squeezing my shoulder. I don't think I could live anymore without knowing.

How did Seokjin stay all these years without answers, how did he cope with all the wondering, the dread and the thoughts. It's not the most pleasant of things, and I am already going crazy.

I need to know... Wait, I already do. He's my son, I know he is.