Jungkook.

If I had the chance to go back in time, and do it all over again, I honestly don't know if I would do it different. Admittedly, I have hurt Seokjin, and continue to with my lies and my cheating, but at the same time, this thing with Hoseok....I don't know if it's because it's been going on for long, or perhaps I am starting to catch feelings, but this thing with him has made me a different person, well, shitty - for cheating, but also I've felt different, different than I have ever felt in my life.

I honestly don't know what I am doing anymore, I am trying to be in control, but it's quickly slipping off my fingers. Seokjin is drifting, further than he already has, and it's got everything to do with Namjoon. We weren't entirely at peace before he came, but we weren't this chaotic either, he is causing a ruckus, disrupting my plans, ones I don't imagine ruined.

We ought to be getting married in a month, and yet here is Namjoon, involved in our lives once more. I can say it was inevitable, especially with Jeonghan being his son, but at the same time he has no right to be here, he left, he left Seokjin and now he is mine.

I hope he is mine. The last time we talked, he seemed to be already making ideas about me. Kim must have told him, about the phone call, and the attempts he made to look for him, and the hindrance role I played in that, and I can only imagine what is going through his mind now. I know how he thinks, and I know he is probably infuriated, but I do stand by my decision, and regardless of whether it was right or wrong, or my whether it was my call to make or not, I was still protecting Seokjin, Namjoon had hurt him, left him, and I wasn't going to allow that to happen again.

I just hope he understands, well that part at least, this other part...this one I don't know. I don't if I am going to ever tell Seokjin about this, I know I can't possibly do that, he'll never forgive me, he'll leave me...

"What are you doing?" From the tone alone, I can tell he is fatigued,  physically and emotionally. He sounds tired, worn out, and I have a everything to do with that. I am not sure what he is referring to, but I have a faint feeling he isn't talking about me packing away my belongings.

"I have to leave, I've got a lot of things to take care of." I try anyway, pocketing my phone, and turning around when silence envelops the room. He is seated on the edge of the bed, legs crossed over each over, watching, like he has been for a while. He narrows his eyebrows at me, not exactly suspicious, but questioning nonetheless, head tilting to the side to scrutinize me.

He really does look tired, different...

"What really are you doing Kookie?" He repeats for emphasis, this time a little more determined than the last, and the look in his eyes shows me what he means, what he is fishing for, but I really can't do this right now, I can't deal with this right now.

"I need to leave, Hoseok -"

"And go where, home? To Seokjin?" He cuts off, rather calmly, his smokey eyes telling a different story as he gazes up to me in annoyance. I don't get it, why he is suddenly angry, or maybe I do, I can tell by the jealousy in his tone, but I am not sure I am ready to address it.

"Your just going to fit back in your life and pretend non of this happened?" Well that's how it should be, right? This shouldn't have happened, we shouldn't have come here, and he shouldn't ask, or expect differently. I ought to go back to my life, and him to his, and pretend like this never happened, that's how it should be, that's what we agreed. I shift on my feet, skeptical of what he wants me to answer. He looks angry, a strange emotion on him, mostly to me because I have never seen him angry, especially not at me.

"We talked about this, Hobi, we agreed." I try to remind him, keeping my tone calm, slowly realizing the impact of everything we've done, what we did these past few days. "And that should be enough, it should make it better?"

"It should. You told me it would, we agreed when you invited me to this trip." He seems to forget this was his idea, he chose this, to be together one last time before we ended it, before I got married. After the other night at his apartment, I had woken up to him sobbing, usually, I would be the vulnerable one, I'd be the one on that end of emotions, his are always masked, he has always been strong, so when I found him on that bathroom floor, cradled him in my arms and he told his worries, his thoughts and the weight of all that he bared for what we had done, I felt so bad, I felt terrible, and in turn I asked for anything that I could do to make it better.

Truthfully, there isn't anything I could actually do that would make the situation better, the guilt that he feels for having betrayed Seokjin is tremendous, even more for still doing it, and it's all my fault. I have made him do it, I have taken advantage of him, of his inability to resist me, his feelings for me per say, and I have used it, selfishly. I have hurt him, even more than Seokjin, and so when he asked for my time, just one last time before we truly buried this, I couldn't think twice before agreeing.

These past three days have been spectacular, magical. All he asked of me was my time, and that meant the two of us, alone, without any interruptions whatsoever. For these three days, all we've done is be together, be each other's comfort, companion, watching movies, cuddling, having sex...We've done more than that really, these past few days we've made love, or so I think we have, it's been different, that's for sure... .

But amidst everything it was notable that there was a lot bothering him, he would zone out, or ask abrupt questions, everything that only pointed to his reluctance to end this, and of course what a bad idea this actually was. I didn't know what I was thinking, when I agreed to be with him for the last time. Spending all this time with him, only made matters worse, we've made it difficult to depart, it will only hurt him more, and make it difficult for me to make the unspoken decision he so wants me to make.

He has feelings for me, I have deduced that, and I, in turn, may or may not be having these second thoughts when it comes to my marriage, and it's all because of him. Because of the things he makes me see, and feel, and because of this stupid trip that we took. We should have never, we are only setting ourselves up for sabotage.

"You came with me because you wanted to, you could have said no, but you agreed." He counters back, standing to his feet. I could have said no, but a lot like him, I don't have much restraint when it comes to us, I am just as under his spell as he is mine. God, what have we done, what are we doing?

"What did you want me to do, Hoseok? We agreed, we talked about this, let's just let it be like we said we would." I don't mean for it to come off brushy, but the more we push this aside, the bigger this grows, bigger than it already is. He wanted this, he wanted to end this, and we are doing just that, so it shouldn't be a problem, even to me. I know I have a reoccurring habit of going back when it gets tough, or when I feel cornered in my real life, but I am going to try to be a man this time, I am going to own up, and face each challenge, without dragging Hoseok into this, and hurting him.

But looking at him, perhaps I am a bit too late.

"Then what? Your just gonna marry him, your just going to live afresh like it all never happened." I hate the pleading, yet angry look in his eyes. I hate the tears in his voice, and the defeated look he has on, everything contrary to how he always is. I hate how different he looks, how different he feels, and all because of me.

How did I not see this, all this while. How did I not see how much I have been hurting him all this while. "We can't carry on with this. Other than the fact that I am getting married, I don't want to hurt you anymore." I say walking to him, careful to keep distance.

I have been engaged to Seokjin for a while, and I have done this thing with Hoseok a while too, but now, we can't anymore, it was bearable with the lingering thought that Seokjin and I weren't committed for life, but now that the marriage is around the corner, I don't think I could bare that, I don't even think I could bare the thought of going into a matrimony without telling him first, but one thing is for sure, this needs to stop, eventually we need to stop....

"We can't keep doing this. We are only hurting more people." I say to him, bringing him to my arms, a lot like he has been these past few days. He looks up at me, finally sniffling as the tears roll.

"Do you really want to do it?" He asks, a new determination taking over his features. I scan his face, eyes narrowing, not sure what he is hinting at. "Do you really want to take the next step with Seokjin, without telling him, or if you do, are you ready for everyone we are going to hurt?" I've been selfish, extremely, and it's all rotted from my love for Seokjin, something I have greatly betrayed, but I've always thought I'd find my way, or haven't thought about this to be honest. I don't know what I am going to do, and when Hoseok puts it like that, it's even worse.

"Your going to hurt Seokjin regardless of how this goes, you think he doesn't feel highly for you but he does, he loves you, he's given you his trust and himself, and regardless of how it goes he's still going to hurt when he finds out." He is right, I know he is right. "You can't hurt him more by tying him to a marriage with you while he doesn't know. If you have to go through with everything, tell him first." There is suddenly this look of defiance in his gaze, this toughness, and challenge.

He is not asking me, he is telling me.

He is telling me to inform Seokjin before we get married, or not to marry him, and when I understand his logic, and his reasoning that stems from guilt and his bond with Seokjin, he can't ask me to do that, he can't ask me to tell him, Seokjin will leave me.

"I'll tell him at my own time, when I am ready -"

"When your married, you mean. You want to wait until he is tied to you and when you know it will be difficult for him to make another decision. Your going to hurt him more than we are already hurting him." He counters, raising his voice. I have feared this, this difference in opinion. He has always been level headed, and admittedly he knows the way more than I do, he respects boundaries more than I do, and I knew eventually, eventually we would disagree on the way forward with this, or rather how to end it.

"I can't loose him." I state determined, stepping back from his embrace. I love Seokjin, he's all I have ever loved, I can't ever loose him. I can't tell him now, not when we are almost getting married. I am not trying to trap him either, but he can't know now. The look in Hoseok's eyes, however, leaves room for no argument, he's been thinking about this, and he's we'll set on it, and I know...I know if it comes to the worst, he'll do it himself if he has to. 

"I can't loose him -"

"Look around you Kookie, we've already lost him..." He reprimands, crying, and motioning around with his hands. "...we've gone too far, this wasn't a one time thing, we are having an affair, your cheating on Jin, and I am..." He stops himself mid sentence, this utter look of surprise taking over him as he deflates. "...I am in love with you." There is truth in each of those words, there is desperation too, but the last part is new, the way he says it, quietly, like it's also news to himself is worrying. He can't be in love with me, he can't love me, I am getting married...

The silence that befalls us is deafening, painfully deafening, and Hoseok holds my gaze, crying and vulnerable. Oh, how did we get here, what have we done? Hoseok is in love with me? He shouldn't be though, he shouldn't fall for someone like me, nothing like this was suppose to come out of this little secret.

"Don't look at me like that." He yells at the surprised look on my face, shaking his head and blinking back more tears. I don't mean to pity him, or look at him the way he thinks I do, but I can't help it, this was suppose to end, he promised me we would depart this time, for good this time.

"Hobi, you can't-"

"You think I want to?" He cuts me off, shouting. "You think I wanted this to happen, to fall in love with you out of everyone. You think I wanted my best friends fiance?" Over time I have come to realize his feelings for me. I have known he cares about me, he cherishes me, and I have felt loved with him, but I didn't think it would mean he would actually be in love with me.

I mean sure, it wasn't just attraction towards each other that led to the reoccurrence of this, but at the same time, it couldn't really be love. That's a pretty huge emotions, one he shouldn't throw around for some guy like me, he can't love me, he can't feel anything more other than the little we already do. I am spoiled and rotten, and vile and taken. I am bad, I am possessive over the love I feel for another, I am not for him, not for a pure soul as his....

"You can't have feelings for me, Hoseok." I don't know why I am reprimanding him, but I feel the need to. My voice suddenly rises, and the actual thought of him being in love with me, somehow scares me. We are just lovers, secrets lovers, and I could call bullshit and leave, but I somehow can't, not because of fear of what he would do in retaliation of my rudeness, but because something is holding me back.

It shouldn't though, I love Seokjin, I am marrying him, and Hoseok knows better than to drop that kind of bomb on me. Is this the reason he's been acting weird, is this why he invited me out here, to tell me he loves me? Is this an attempt to get me to stop me from the plans I have with Seokjin? I really don't know anymore, all I know is; "I am still getting married, Hoseok."

"No shit." He says out sarcastically, scoffing in the process before giving me an incredulous look. He's not even angry, just...stunned.
"You really think I am telling you all this stop you from getting married? Seriously how selfish can you get?" He smiles sadly to himself, shaking his head unbelievably before wiping more tears. I hate to see him cry, but I can't help it, I don't even get it.

"I tell you I love you, and all your thinking of is how your getting married, to the same fiance your cheating on, and betraying. I didn't sign up for this Kookie, I didn't want to have these feelings either, it hurts, your hurting me, and now your on your way to hurt my best friend, the one you've been hurting all long. All you think about is yourself, your happiness, and nobody else's, you don't care if you hurt me, or Seokjin, or anyone else, as long as you get what you want. You've used me, you've taken advantage of my feelings, and I stupidly allowed you, yet you don't care a tiny bit about me. I am not going to stop you from getting married, but at least grow some balls, be a man and own up after yourself for once in your life."

I can't argue back as he finishes his statement, can't move as he holds my gaze with his hurt one. I haven't realized the depth of what he feels until now. He knows me well, knows me inside out from the many times we've been together, talked to and advised. He knows every piece of me, and for him to say that, for him to talk like that, he must have thought this for long time, he must have felt it for a while.

Is it true though? Am I selfish for thinking of what I want, am I a bad person for going after what I want? I make to ask him so, but he picks up his duffel bag and makes his way out of the room. What does this mean. Are we over, if we are, why does that hurt, why don't I like the idea of not being with him anymore, why does it hurt to see him go away.

I shouldn't care but I do, I care that he hurts, that he feels that way, betrayed and unvalued. We needed to end this, but not on this note, we can't depart like this, with him thinking of me like this. He has been my rock, my shoulder to cry on, my friend, my lover, and my... he's everything to me, and having him that mad and furious at me...I don't want that.

I follow him out of the door, into the leaving room and the front door where I assume he must have gone out, but I am only met with the sight of him standing still at the doorway, too still, a looming figure showing on the other side.

I don't know why but I suddenly feel dread at the look plastered on Hoseok's face, my blood runs cold, and I simultaneously feel cold sweat ran down my back. My fears are confirmed as I come into view behind Hoseok, meeting face to face with my fiance. Seokjin is here.

He's here!

How is that possible, how did that happen, how did he know?

For a spilt second I think of Hoseok, think that he might have told him, especially with how he has been acting, and regarding our argument, but a look to his face shows just similar horror. Seokjin is here, he has caught as, and the look on his face, tells just how much he knows.

He does look confused, surprised, but not angry, well, not yet. Most of it is just defeat, he looks weary, still numb like the last time I saw him. I get ahead of a trembling Hoseok, standing in the doorway instead, Hoseok behind me, and Seokjin at the doorstep, his car keys and phone in hand.

"Jin, what are you doing here?" The question is just stupid, and he raises a brow at me too, orbs darting between me and Hoseok, who I can feel breathing behind my back. Fuck, this is messed up, we are screwed. "I could ask you the same, Jungkook. You ought to be halfway around the country, on an urgent business meeting, and you.." he points at Hoseok, the calm facade slowly slipping as he starts to grasp the situation. "...your suppose to be visiting family outside of town, but you know what, I'll go first, I'll tell you why I am here." He laughs dryly, bitterly, almost, pursuing his lips as he holds out his phone.

"Maintenance called, they wanted me to know the water problem from last month, that my husband supposedly reported, had been fixed, and wished me a good stay this time as well. Now, I haven't been down in here in six months, and you haven't been here either, Jungkook, right? So I thought I would check it out." It's all there, it's everything he needs to know, he clearly does. I let my guard down when I chose this home, I wanted to do something nice for Hoseok, something different from the occasional luxury hotel, but I went too far, I forgot he shares this home with me, it's his actually.

He waits expectantly for my turn, visibly growing impatient, and angry at the silence, and the shaken looking Hoseok behind my back. 

"It's not what you think." I am quick to deny, almost like a reflex, but at the same time I know it's useless, he's caught me, clearly.

"I can explain." I try a second approach, stepping out and holding my hand to him, not surprised when he steps back, folding his arms over his chest. I honestly don't think I can explain, I hadn't thought I would ever be in this situation. This wasn't supposed to happen, Hoseok and I were ending it, we ended it.

"You know what, I'd like to hear it. I'd like to hear why you are hiding out here with...with my best friend." He struggles to let out the last part, eyes watering as he looks at Hoseok who is all shades of guilty, head ducked speechlessly. I open my mouth for anything, anything at all but I just can't, I can't come up with anything to say, not able to lie to his face after everything that I have done, and strangely feeling ashamed of doing so in front of Hoseok.

"That's what I thought." Seokjin deadpans when I can't say anything, a tired sigh escaping his lips. He bites at them, his eyes welling up as he gazes at me, then behind me, eyes scrutinizing us slowly, down to the bags we still have on our hands.

We were leaving, we were ending it.

"Baby -" I try, but he steps back once more, struggling not to give in to the emotions threatening to take over him. He looks so hurt, so defeated, fed up and disgusted.
"You know, I thought I had reached a new low when I suspected you were having an affair. I thought the paranoia was just my depression, my anxiety talking, and to think you were out here enjoying yourself with..." He pauses, pursuing his lips, tilting his head up a second to stop the tears.

"I thought I was the worst person ever, to even think my best friend and my boyfriend were going behind my back." That explains why he wasn't so surprised, he suspected it, saw the signs. Jimin was right, we were not as subtle as we thought we were.

"Let's talk about this." I say, desperation settling for me when I realize just how much far this has gone. He however disregards my request, looking at me incredulously, like that's the most absurd thing he has heard all day.

"I can't believe you two are the people I trust most in this world." That hits home, especially for Hoseok who whimpers behind me when Seokjin looks at him. He is greatly embarrassed, and my chest constricts at the thought of him hurting, just as badly as Seokjin is right now. I have come between these two and I have greatly hurt them both, possibly ruined them for life, and all for what?

I know for what, for my love for Seokjin, I love him, and I can't let him go, not even now.

My hand latches onto him, holding both his shoulders, gaze pleading as I look into his eyes. "Please let's talk about this, baby." He doesn't answer, just looks up into my eyes, strangely calm, but clearly with a venom, a type of loath and hatred I have never seen on him before, not ever.

"Get your fucking hands off me, Jeon."

He seethes seriously, eyes a blaze as he waits on me. For the first time ever, I see a different side to him, not exactly dangerous, but intimidating, threatening, and the thought makes me shiver, prompting me to let go out of lack of choice.

He gives me a last look, before giving Hoseok a drawn disbelieving one, his eyes watering further at the sight of him cowering behind me, before walking off the compound and into his car that's packed outside.

Fuck.