Seokjin.

I didn't want to panic and make rush decisions, or hurry and do something drastic, but something about Namjoon being out there by himself, with his thoughts, and the pain he is going through just didn't sit well with me. I couldn't fully concentrate on anything, knowing well he wasn't alright, fully alright at least, and missing at that.

Even after sending Taehyung away empty handed, my mind whirled with ideas, scenarios of what could have happened to him, and in the end I just couldn't sit and wait anymore.
I didn't know where I was heading to, or what I was actually going to say when - if I found him, but I needed to find him, just to see for myself that he was alright.

Driving through my former neighborhood felt...nostalgic. Development, clearly did the area some justice, and it can be regarded with confidence as a part of Seoul, but somehow my memories of the place are just intact. I remember every shop, every store, restaurant and building just like they were. All of it is associated with a memory, strangely, only the memories Namjoon is in. I think this is the reason I have dread so much, coming back to this place. I think it's the reason I left it to even begin with. It's everything Namjoon and I shared, every thought, every word. This place is just the two of us.

I didn't think I would necessarily find Namjoon here, but I couldn't think of any other place he would want to be. If he was thinking the way I felt he would be, then he would want to be somewhere serene. Somewhere beautiful, but not quiet, somewhere familiar, calming.

I remember this park vividly out of everything down here. Its mostly because most of it hasn't changed that much. The frog infested pond still sits at the far end, the canopy trees hanging by the fences, the grass still shoddily trimmed, and the benches barely replaced. This was ironically  Namjoon's favorite place to be. He loved it here, the cool and the calm, the background bustling, and the noises from the pets, he loved spending his time here, he'd come around to cool his head, to think about his music, or to plan about his future, and gradually, it had become my favorite spot too.

He'd string me along, and at times we'd just sit on the grass, kinda like a picnic, except we'd watch people pass by and try to guess their personalities, or what they did in life, or times we'd coo at their pets, or we would talk about our lives. At times we wouldn't even talk, we would just pick a bench after a long day, sit on it and just hold each other through the sunset. When darkness would fall, we would share a passionate kiss, or two, and often he would just look into my eyes, deeply, and without words I would know what he meant, the silent words he would speak to me, silent words about his love for me.

Like him, this park holds some of my most dearest memories of him, so I wasn't too surprised to see him back here, I knew a part of him would go seeking the past. Standing a few meters from him now, I am not so sure what I should do, or say for that matter. He at least looks safe and sound, physically that is, and it brings me a slight bit of relief, although I still know he is mentally wounded, emotionally scarred.

Although in a different outfit now, he is still in his hoody from three days ago, -its the reason I spotted him to begin with - now adorning a black mask, his obvious attempt to keep the prying eyes away. I am probably not the person he wants to see right now, especially after how it ended the other night, and the hatred he probably bares for me, but I think it would be better if someone checked on him, even if he wouldn't want me to. Taking a deep breath, and resisting the urge to talk myself out of this, I make my presence known, slowly stepping into his line of sight, blocking his view of the still pond behind me.

His gaze locks onto mine, notable surprise flashing through his orbs, shifting quickly to different emotions that I barely catch. I hadn't exactly rehearsed what I would say when I found him, knowing well he wouldn't want to see me, but looking at him right now, at his tired yet pained eyes,  rugged posture, and fidgety hands, I can't stop myself from wanting to hold him, just like I would back in the day when he would have a rough day, and vice versa.

"How did you know I'd be here?" He questions lowly, and I shift on my feet at his gaze, and his flat tone, feeling bare in front of him, stripped, and not in a sexual manner, just emotionally, like now he knows everyone one my secrets, he is aware of everything I have carried with me all these years, everything I have hid from him. I feel naked in front of him, a lot like I did back then with just a glance from him.

"I don't know. I was just driving around and I thought I would look here." Well, that was pretty much it, but in truth, a small part of me knew he would seek his old self, somewhere that he would be reminded of the past. He stares at me like he doesn't believe my statement, taking a deep breath before looking away, silent.

It's not an invitation but I take it anyway, cautiously taking a seat beside him on the bench, hands tightening on my sling bag, as I lean back on the wood, not daring to make myself comfortable, not under his presence.

I don't want to bother him more than I already have, so I just get to the point, the reason I came looking for him in the first place. "Taehyung is really worried about you. He hasn't heard anything from you, and it's causing him a lot of distress." I don't expect him to answer, but he hums in agreement, looking at his ring covered fingers for a second, before moving his hand up to take off his mask.

Now bare, he looks pale, tired, a bit old. He is stressed.

"I knew the text I sent him wouldn't be enough. He has this thing where he takes on my burdens, and makes my problems his, and I know if I went home like this..." He motions to himself, taking another deep calming breath "...he would worry more, or blame himself." His voice is groggy, gone, like he's been screaming, and the thought of that, alongside Taehyung who is also getting hurt in all this, make my inside twist with despair, guilt.

"I thought it would only take me a few hours to gather myself, but even now, I haven't been able to fully grasp all of it, it's just not easy to comprehend, you know." I do know, I want to tell him I understand, but maybe I don't fully, I don't know what it would be like to find out something of this magnitude, a child of yours out in the world, for years, one you haven't known of. I don't know what I would do if I had a child I didn't know about.

"I came out here, to try and retrace our steps, just something that would remind me of the past, and show me where we went wrong." He pauses, pursuing his lips, a ghost of a smile hovering over the corners of his mouth. "You know what I found?" He asks, rhetorically perhaps, but I still till my head to the side, curious.

"Happiness. We were happy Jin, love was pure back then, simple, satiable, true. And it all just makes me wonder how we got to this. How something so wonderful, turned to this." He opens up, and I instantly know what it means. I understand how this one feels like, to question while longing, to blame yourself while still feeling wronged. I understand what it's like to not have answers, to be questioning everything. Nonetheless, I don't know what to say, I am not sure he would want me to say anything, especially when I am his source of all the pain.

"I still can't wrap my head around the idea of having a kid, a child I haven't known about. I can't fully believe I have a son, a child to call my own, and I haven't known about it." It doesn't feel like he's pointing an accusing finger at me, (even when he should) oddly more to himself, like he's blaming him.

"I mean, these past few days all I have thought about his him, what I would tell him, or say to him if I ever met him, what I do if he asked me why I haven't been around. All I have thought about is everything I have missed, all his firsts that I wasn't there for." He looks at me like I ought to at least have an answer to what he should tell Jeonghan, but truth is, I am clueless as well, if anything the blame rests on me, and I should the worrying of how I would tell our son that I kept him from his real father.

"I missed his first laugh, Jin. The first time he sat by himself, or the first time he crawled. I missed his first solo walk, his first words, first day at school, and first everything until now for that matter." He chokes out a bitter laugh, but keeps his composure, less emotional than I am.

"I missed out on holding him when he was little, hugging him and kissing him. I missed out on playing with him, on teaching him football, or how to ride a bike or play games. I missed his birthdays..."  I look away for a second to stop the tears that are threatening to fall, clinging tight to myself to not let go, despite just wanting to cry. He's had it far worse, and although he lists calmly what he's missed it -or robbed of for that matter - it's clear the pain and the regret accompanying his words.

"I missed out on protecting him, on being there on his sick days, or on standing up to him to the bullies. I missed out on loving him, on embracing, and being there for him. I missed being his father." He concludes, whispering the last part, his restraint barely holding on.

Jeonghan has missed out on all of that too, and it haunts me, and hurts me that I did this to the two of them. I don't think I could ever forgive myself for that, for hurting the two people I love most in this world. What kind of person am I? What kind of a parent?

"Tell me, how do I ever recover from that? How can I ever make things right from that?" Once again, he stares at me, like I have the answer to that, but I only gaze back at him, my insides crumbling at the pain in his eyes. Strangely, I haven't seen Namjoon this broken, ever. Even back when we broke up, I never saw him this way, well, I never saw him at all, but still...this is devastation, he's visibly hurting, actual pain, and it nags at me that I can't do anything to deliver him from that.

He searches my eyes for a few seconds, his orbs fully trailing over my face, scrutinizing, before they land back to my own eyes. He looks at me, pleadingly? Blinking back his own tears as he holds my gaze.

"At least tell me he hasn't suffered a day in his life." He chokes out, almost like he's begging me, and a little bit of relief washes over me, for the one question I know I have answer to. At the back of my mind, I knew a time would come when Namjoon would know about our son, and when it did, I wanted to at least have one thing that I had done right.

I wanted to have protected Jeonghan for him, I wanted to have loved him, cared for him, given the world to our son, if I couldn't give him his father. I made sure I took care of him, everyday of my life and his. Holding his gaze, confidently, I nod to him, and to myself as well.

"Not once. I would die before I ever let anything happen to him." I answer back, and he visibly relaxes, drawing in a breath of relief, nodding back before looking away, tightly closing his eyes.

Silence envelops us he seems to draw back into his world, and for a second I think I have done more than I came for, feeling like I am intruding on his space, especially with all that's pending between us. I know he hates me, for keeping our son from him, and I honestly can't blame him for that, for anything for that matter. He's suffered more than anybody in this, been robbed, and continued to be robbed of everything he so deserved.

Like I said, I take my fault in all this, and I'll face the consequences of my actions, regardless of what they may be, I just hope Namjoon and our son don't continue to hurt after this, I hope we find a way, a path to free all of us.

"I don't resent you for what you did. I just hate that loving, has brought us so much pain." He says, however. Almost like he's been reading my thoughts, lashes slowly separating to reveal his eyes. "I've tried to put myself in your shoes, and I see what tough decisions you had to make. I just hate how much we've hurt, how many people we've caused pain, and continue to. This connected, but unconnected chain that just seems to source from us. I hate that. "

"I hate that I played a part in it." I can't help say back, thinking of my own role in this. I am just to blame, and maybe he ought to hate me, for doing him dirty like that.

"We all had a part to play in it." He corrects, looking determined, and I can't dispute that, our divided roles that led all of us to this. The intentional, and the innocent, the knowing and the oblivious ones, all of us, until we got to this mess.

He suddenly breaks a light smile, leaning back on the bench, the tears in his eyes from earlier all gone. I raise a brow, not following. "What?" I question.

"He looks just like you." He offers, and I find myself breaking a smile of my own, not at all expecting him to say that. "I get that a lot, and it honestly always feels like a compliment."

"It should, he's beautiful." He refers to Jeonghan, and my heart melts at the gentleness in his eyes, the longing and the love that's present there. I didn't think our conversation would take this turn, let alone last this while, but I am happy to see him breaking a smile, even just a little one.

"He has your eyes, though. And your dark hair, and your smile too." He showcases, the said smile, his dimples showing, a lot like Jeonghan's, cheeks raising cutely to show his teeth. "He's got my looks too." He brags, getting cocky, and I scoff, smiling, "You wish." He acts offended, raising a brow, and I do actually let out a laugh, having never seen this side of him in forever.

"If it makes you feel better, he behaves like you. He likes his noodles crunchy for example, barely cooked, and he doesn't like seafood either, he thinks, and calls the sea animals his friends." I don't think as I list to him, words eagerly rolling off my lips, even more when his happy expression turns into excitement, fascination.

I don't know what it is, but it feels like I have wanted to tell him, about our son, the creation we made, and what a beautiful person he is. It easily escapes me, and my insides bubble with happiness at the endearing look in his eyes, the softness, and before long, I find myself spilling everything, telling him what he needs to know, should know.

I am not confusing this with forgiveness, and I don't dare make the mistake of thinking that we are ok, but for now, despite my problems with him, despite my own pain about Jungkook and Hoseok, and despite the storm we are all riding in, I choose to live with him in this moment, I chose him and our son for this moment, I chose to put them above everything else, above all our worries and fears.

Despite the emotional ache and the mental turmoil, I chose to put them first for now, I chose Namjoon and Jeonghan, they deserve it.