Seokjin.

I glance at the rear view mirror occasionally, noting the little pout etched on Jeonghan's face, not cute, but worried, which in turn adorns his face with sadness. He is sad, I know he is upset, and he has every reason to. It's been days since I found out about Jungkook's affair, days since Jeonghan got to spend time with the man, and with each day that passes, with each event that Jungkook misses, and with each forced interaction I have with Jungkook in front of him, I know he can tell something is off, he's smart, and I knew it would only take him but a short time to draw his own conclusions.

"You ok sweetie?" I ask, trying to lighten the mood, keeping my eyes on the road at the same time. He doesn't look up from his position, head still bowed, and buried deep in the tablet he pretends to be playing a game in. He nods, his cute cheeks puffing out when he lets out a sigh, scrunching his nose in the slightest.

He's not ok.

I understand his turmoil, and I worry of how he will take on the more that is to come. He is my son, my only child, and I don't want him to suffer, or hurt in the slightest, but at the same time, it's inevitable what's about to happen, we can't avoid it, and regardless of what I might do, he's is still bound to be furious at me, he'll not like it.

I guess that's my punishment, the biggest out of everything that will be thrown my way; the thought of my son hating me. Him suffering because of me. I haven't exactly told him, not because I am scared, or because I am holding back, but because the time isn't right. The last thing I need, is for my baby to be thrown in the whirlwind we are all riding in, and for that reason, I feel like I should prioritize my issues first, before dedicating my time and energy to Jeonghan.

After a lot of thinking and self reflection, I feel like I should probably face Jungkook now, I think it's time we talk and face the reality of what this is, and choose the way forward from there. I've been avoiding him; too angry to want to hear anything from him, and too hurt to actually internalize what he and Hoseok have done behind my back, but that ends today, and I'll find a way to talk to him before the day concludes.

And then there is Namjoon, another thing that has been hindering me from speaking to Jeonghan. The last time we talked in the park, he seemed a bit relieved, a bit leveled, and at the time the excitement of knowing things about our son overrode every emotion he had, and admittedly, he looked a bit happy when I dropped him home, but things might be different soon, when the weight of everything settles for him, and he actually embraces the magnitude of everything. He might want something different, other than the path that he seemed to take earlier on in the week.

I don't want to rush with my own decisions, and ideas, I'd rather we talk in detail about how we are going to handle Jeonghan, before we actually do it, as opposed to driving head first into telling our son, only to confuse him, or make him have a particular mindset about what's happening. So until I talk to those two, and until we get our issues right, Jeonghan is gonna have to hold on, maybe for a few more days or so.

I feel bad that he's caught in the middle, he's starting to catch onto what's happening, and that it's starting to take a fraction of his thoughts. I don't want him to worry anymore than he's already doing, don't want him troubled or occupied with any thoughts whatsoever.

"Are you ready for your play date?" I ask, voice cheery as I pull up at the right address, glancing once more at the mirror to see Jeonghan looking up, forcing out a smile. "Yeah." He lets out, not adding anything else as he switches off the tablet, and puts it aside on the seat.

Now I know he's really bummed, he would never lack energy for a Saturday out play with his friends. I park out on the street, unbuckling my seat belt before turning in my seat to face him. "Then what's with the face?" I ask, ruffling his hair and offering him a smile, which he doesn't offer back.

"Why couldn't daddy come with us?" He asks suddenly, and I am taken back by the sadness in his tone. He stares up at me expectantly, a pout etched on his lips, eyes quizzical. He's very observant, and although Jungkook and I have tried to act normal around him, we haven't exactly been the most subtle.

"He's busy, baby, he can't make play today. But I am here, right? You can play with me, and Loise, and Ahn, and Adams, and Aunty Solar..." I count on, trying to remind of the people he has around. Jungkook couldn't make it really, not because he was necessarily busy, but because I had asked him not to. I didn't want to come around and act all happy with him, try to fool our son, while everything would still be crumbling on the inside. We aren't in the best of terms, and I am not going to butter him up and Jeonghan, with the lie of a future of us, which I am not sure we have anymore.

"I still wanted all of us to be together." He adds, still pouting. I know he is used to Jungkook, he is the father he knows, and it's gonna be war to tell him otherwise, and maybe if Jungkook hadn't kept all these from me, if he hadn't lied about my past, and if he hadn't cheated, and disrespected me like he did, I would have stayed with him. Despite Namjoon's truth and confession, and despite my own truth about Jeonghan, that I would have told Namjoon, I would have still married him, I would started a life with him, figured out a way for Jeonghan and his father, but stuck with him nonetheless. But now, now I don't think that's possible anymore, I am not even sure the man loved me to begin with. I am not sure I can continue a life with Jungkook anymore, not after the lies he's led me to believe.

"I am sorry daddy can't make it today-"

"-Are you guys fighting?" He asks out of the blue, and I am not surprised he might have his own ideas. "What makes you say that?" I ask anyway, tilting my head to the side, curious of where he might have gotten the idea to begin with.

"Coz, we've haven't done anything together this week, and also because I heard you cry in the cellar yesterday, but Nanny Ching wouldn't let me see you." He offers, looking at me, and my heart races at the thought of him having witnessed my silent breakdown in the cellar.

I had gone down there to get a drink, while he was occupied with his homework. Just something strong to take my mind off things, and to relax me, but I had ended up overwhelmed once again. It's all I ever do now, cry myself. How pathetic of me to have let my son see that.

"Are you mad at Daddy and me, did we do something wrong? Are we the ones who made you cry?" He asks once more, expectantly, and despite my lack of answer, I know nothing is his fault, and he shouldn't be thinking like that to begin with.

I get out of the car, opening the back seat door, and unbuckling his belt. Gently cupping his cheeks in my hands, I make him look at me, keeping my gaze soft, and my tone firm.

"None of this is your fault, ok? Appa was just a little sad, but none of it was because of you. I don't want you thinking like that, even for a second, alright?" It's my turn to wait expectantly, and he nods after bit, offering me a small smile. Relief washes over me at his understanding, and I place a gentle kiss in his nose, smiling in return, even when I know it wouldn't be long before he asks more questions.

I help him out of the car with his belongings, before locking up -just in time for a smiling Solar to pop up.

I can't believe after seven years, she is still my best friend, well, the only one left anyway. When I came back to Korea, I made sure to find her whereabouts, apologise for going MIA  and tried to befriend her once more. Like the old Solar that she still is, she jumped onto the opportunity, and quickly we had caught up with each other. Hoseok and I had molded our friendship into what it was before, and together with Solar, it often felt like the old days.

Well of course things are different now, not only for me, but for her as well. She has a family of her own, with her partner and her kids, - unlike Solar, really -but that has only made us closer. She is a parent, I am too, and we share a close bond of parenthood, one that allows us to not only look out for each other, but for each other's kids as well, and for that, we've recently grown closer since I came back to Korea.

She is a mother of three now, two twin gorgeous girls aged four, who are absolute friends with my Jeonghan, and little Adams, who's only six months old. She is also a wife, married to her long time girlfriend, a cooperate lawyer she met six years ago, and has stuck with since.

If anyone told us back then that Solar would be married before thirty, have kids, and be a full time mum at that, we would have laughed our asses off. She was the stray of the group, when Hoseok was perfect, and I was reserved, Solar was lively, she enjoyed life despite our struggles back then, and often, we thought she'd be the last to settle in life.

Love came through for her and it all just concurred everything. Moonbyul  swept her off her feet the moment they saw each other, and years later they are pretty much still inseparable. Charming really, I wished I got to experience something like that.

When I called yesterday after an hour of crying, and gave her a little insight of the lie I have been living, she instantly offered to come over, but I knew of little Adams, and how much he would miss his mommy, so I turned her down and offered to visit for the weekend with Jeonghan. My son would get his playmates, and I'd get some time off my thoughts, share it with someone and maybe get a different point of view of what my way forward should be.

"Hey aunty Sue!" Jeonghan greets with the familiar nickname, slinging his back pack behind him, looking up at the woman. Solar raises a brow, shifting on her legs and crossing her arms over her chest.

"How about a smile first." She quips, staring him down, always her sassy self. Jeonghan, knowing well her favourite aunty, and how she wouldn't let him live if he doesn't do as she wants, breaks a genuine dimpled smile, even going forward for a hug, one which Solar receives heartily, ruffling his hair.

She's been fond of Jeonghan ever since he laid eyes on him, and just like Hoseok, she knew first sight that he was Namjoon's. She hadn't judged me, not for what I had done, instead she had lent me a listening ear, and an extra shoulder to bare the burden of the secret that I harboured, and for that I am truly grateful.

The twins come out running, jumping into my arms, and bombarding me with different questions and stories which I can't exactly make out as they talk over each other excitedly, both laughing, and looking cute in their matching outfits.

Solar has to pry them off, and remind them to behave - even through I don't mind-  before they ran off with Jeonghan, pulling him along, and excitedly telling him about their new game. Solar heaves out a sigh pinching the bridge of his nose.

"I swear they are gonna drive me insane."

"Tell me about it." I reply, completely able to relate. Jeonghan drives me crazy all the time.

Silence befalls us as the little ones rush in inside, and I look at Solar to find her staring at me, her ever fondly eyes gazing vividly, pity taking over her features. She's always known me, always knew me worried, or anxious at a glance, and I know she can tell the weight of everything weighing on me right now, so I don't hesitate as I fall into her arms, gladly welcoming her embrace, and letting her arms enclose me tightly.

I've needed a warm hug since the start of this, someone to hold onto, even for a little while so I don't forget I am not alone, I don't plunge into the darkness that readily awaits me in the other side. I need this, and I close my eyes tightly for a second, enjoying the warmth of my best friend.

"How are you holding up?" She asks as we pull away, and I let out an audible breath, knowing well I am barely holding up. She must see the turmoil on my face, because she smiles, grabbing my arm to lead me in.

"Well, good thing I am here. You up for some margaritas?"

"Please." I don't care if it's ten in the morning, all I know is that I do need a drink right now.

Solar leads me out to the back, where the kids are playing out on a trampoline, screaming around and chasing each other on the grass. There is also a table by the verandah, housing the different glasses of drinks, and I take a seat in the velvety couch by the wall, instantly feeling calm as I lean back on the plush fabric, breathing in the scent of day. She lives in the suburban area of Seoul. It's quiet this side, wealthy, but friendly for a visit. The atmosphere is always calm, so I know this is bound to get relaxing.

"I told him, Namjoon, I told him about our son." I give it up as she hands me a glass, instantly taking a gulp, ironically feeling relief from the slight burn. Solar eyes me for a second, raising a brow at the half glass, a smile taking over her lips as she sits down. "And I thought I was the drunkard..." She teases, and I scoff.

"How did he take it?" She asks, dropping the former subject, and I take another gulp, thinking back to Namjoon's initial reaction. The pain, the emotions, the tears he had, how much it had hurt him, how much I had hurt him.

"As expected. Surprise, anger, rage. He felt disrespected, belittled...." I take a deep breath, the memories from the other night whirling in my mind. "...you should have seen his face Solar, he hates me." I add, shaking my head in disbelief at how this played out. Solar instantly holds onto my hand for comfort, offering a sad smile with it.

"No he doesn't. He's just angry for now, and that's understandable." She interjects, gazing at me fondly, and I wish it were true. I hope he's just angry, and that that anger will subside over time, I hope he finds it in his heart to understand and forgive me.

"Look, I know of how it might look from his point, but what you did, regardless of what people might think of you was justifiable. You did what you thought was right for you and your son, and even if that might haunt you for a long time, you know it in your heart that you didn't intend for it to hurt anybody, more of protect your son, and for that, he at least needs to understand." I needed this, just a little reminder to jog my memories, a pat, and a friend to remind me that regardless of the decision I made, it was still with intention to protect and love my son, even if it might make me a bad person. Namjoon says he understands, but I don't think he gets it fully. It wasn't just something I could pick one or the other. It was a series of connected events, a chain reaction like he puts it, and despite the choice I made, he, more than anyone was bound to get wounded.

Beside me, on her chair, Solar smiles at me, looking over at the kids for a second, then back at me, raising her glass to her lips. "Don't stress it, he'll come around. Besides, he can never stay mad at you." She winks, and I instantly know what she means. Maybe back then he couldn't stay mad me, vice versa too, but now, it's been seven years now, and I don't know him anymore, especially with something as big as this. There is a chance he is still the old Namjoon and he might find it in his heart to forgive me, but I won't expect anything, not with his.

"Maybe not this time." I say defeated, and she hums in reply, acknowledging the magnitude of this problem. She however waves off my sad expression the next second, standing up to fix me another glass. Sometimes I forget she had a bartending job as her second source of income back then. She liked designing, she was good at it, and at times she still drops by my office with a few great sketches and tells me to have them if I need be, but has never wanted to pursue a large career on fashion. Motherhood is her charm, surprisingly, and it makes me smile that she at least found happiness in something as that, that at least one of us is on the right path in life. I am messed up with issues, and Hoseok is.... he's something.

"Did you know?" I ask suddenly, not able to keep myself restrained. Coming here today, I wanted to at least have a friend, a real friend, one who hasn't back stabbed me like the other has. "Did you know he was seeing Jungkook. Did he tell you?" She is just as incredibly close to Hoseok, and he might have confided in her because god knows he would have never told me...

"No!" Solar shrieks sitting down, startling the kids who are only meters away, but she waves them off with a smile, lowering her voice as she speaks again. "I'd be the last person he would ever tell. He knows I wouldn't have allowed him to do anything like that." She says, and I feel relieved to at least have had a friend who didn't know and one who would be looking out for me if the need ever arose.

"I just can't wrap my head around how Hoseok would be capable of that, I mean really, of all the people, why would he choose Jungkook, why would throw away our friendship like that?" I feel myself slipping with each word, my insides churning at the thoughts. With Hoseok I can't fully grasp his situation, I can't fathom why he would do this, what exactly would drive him to behave this way.

"You talk to him yet?" Solar asks concerned, and I hum in reply, thinking back to the office encounter days ago. It still haunts how it ended, how I sent him away, like a stranger, a monster. "I said some pretty hurtful things to him in the heat of the moment..." I can't keep my tears as I recall my vile words, wrenching. "... I was just so angry at him, so mad, and hurt, and I just wanted him to feel it for a second too." I cry, and Solar holds onto my arm again, rubbing up and down to comfort me.

With Jungkook I get that he's been lying, kind of a douche, and perhaps he's used to this, to cheating and fooling the people around him, but with Hoseok, I could never get why a pure soul like that would ever go to such ends, those kinds of extremes.

"It's ok to have felt bad, that was a lot to take in, and you might have said anything in the nick of the moment. Don't sweat it." Solar urges, making it sound so easy, and I wish I could do just that. I wish I could just forget, forget about their betrayal and just move on with life, but it's not that easy. I haven't even talked to Jungkook yet, hell, I still live with him.

"Maybe I am the terrible friend for never having paid attention to them to begin with, my best friend was possibly falling for my boyfriend and I couldn't even catch it." I say, never having let go of feeling like the reversal of faults might be mine. It's almost because I missed it that it happened, I let them, perhaps indirectly, but still allowed them with my oblivion nonetheless.

Solar seems to disagree with that logic, and she scoffs, leaning back on her chair. "And what would you have done if you had caught it in time or whatever? You would still be mad, you'd still feel betrayed, and disrespected. You can't ever blame yourself for not preventing the two of them from cheating on you. The restrained laid with the both of them, and not you because you were not a player in that game." She says, scolding almost, and I sigh out knowing she is right. Despite the environment and atmosphere of my and Jungkook's relationship, he still owed me his faithfulness, and Hoseok owed me the least bit of respect as his friend, and they should have at least had the decency to walk out of their various commitments before getting together.

"You were friends with Hoseok and he should have never done that to you, plain and simple. And Jeon, the nerve of him really. I can't believe he had the audacity to ask you to marry him while he was going behind your back with Hoseok. I can't believe he did this to both of you, to both my best friends. I swear to god if I see his ass..." It's Solar's turn to rant, and oddly, I can't fight the little smile that finds its way to my face as she goes on about how he's going to descend on Jungkook if he ever sees him. I am immediately reminded of the Solar back then, despite her height with which everyone teased her about, she never hesitated to stand up for us, to chase everyone she thought weren't trustworthy, and didn't hesitate to defend us if anything.

I still remember vividly how she threatened to jump Namjoon back then when she thought he had ghosted me. And I remember vividly how she had carried that anger with her for a long time, for me, and for whoever hurt me. She's such a friend.

"Sorry, this ain't about me, but still..." She says and I laugh, a gentle laugh escaping her as well. She stops to smile at me, narrowing her eyes a bit. "At least there is a good side to all this."

"What good side?" I ask, not sure what favourable side this would have. She snickers, a smirk forming at the corner of her lips.

"At least you could finally admit to yourself that someone else has your heart as well." The reaction is timely when I catch on, and I can't help the color as it floods my face, heart somehow picking pace, but still stubborn enough to keep a straight face, not willing to admit it. I look at Solar, trying to act oblivious, but she pushes at my shoulder, laughing.

"Don't look at me like that, you know you still love him." He says bluntly, and I can no longer hold my head up and deny it. He is still my first love, first man I ever gave my everything.   

"What I am trying to say is..." She stops after a while, downing her drink, not at all faced by how she just let loose. She grabs my hands, holding it in hers, expression turning calm, then serious. She looks into my eyes, gaze narrowing thoughtfully.

"What I am trying to say is that you don't have to make this difficult. This could go simple if you want it to, Jin. Jungkook, he's made his bed, and if you want, you could simply let him lay on it. It would set you free, it would give you room, space, not only for yourself, but for your son, and Namjoon as well. You could finally stop forcing your heart into this, but if you feel that you could do it again, it's still your choice to make. I just hope at the end of it, your thinking about your son, and I hope you don't get to regret for the two of you.
Namjoon now knows, and so will Jeonghan, this will hurt them just as much as it has hurt you, and the burden of choosing the best path lays with you. You don't have to sacrifice anymore, or choose the less hurtful path, only for it to backfire on you in the future."

"If you ask me, then this is your chance. This is your opportunity to make everything right. I would recommend you don't miss it." The burden of doing what's right, really right, weighs down on me, and as Solar says, it could be easy, but this could be difficult too if I make it to be. Its simple, but tricky as well, complicated but delicate in the same. This time I have a choice, an option on what life I and my son have to lead.

Oddly I wonder if that's how the universe works, if this is it's way of giving me another chance, another opportunity at love, with Namjoon per say. The idea is satisfying, pleasing, and I would like to think so, but at the same time, it's scary, dreadful, and of course would only work if the other party wanted to, if it doesn't blow in my face to begin with that is.

"Think about it, take your time and think about it, alright?" She asks, and I don't get to reply as the door bell rings, Solar furrowing her brows at that. "They can't be back already..." She says, referring to her partner and her son who she informed me had gone out of town. "...are you expecting someone?" She asks and I nod, feeling a bit guilty that I hadn't told her earlier.

"Namjoon asked if he could get to see Jeonghan, even for a little while, and I agreed and told him we would be here the whole day." It wasn't planned really, when he texted the other day, and asked if he could see our son, I had of course agreed without a second thought. I had informed him that I hadn't told Jeonghan yet, and he seemed to have been alright with that, only wanted an opportunity to be with him, even for a short while, even if Jeonghan wouldn't know who he really was.

"Damn, y'all talking now?" Solar teases as I head to the door, poking my side and making faces at me, and I almost face palm, feeling incredibly nervous all over sudden.
Bringing the kids into the leaving room, Solar escorts me to the front door, making little noises and eagerly waiting as I pull the door open.

We are not prepared in the slightest for the sight of Jungkook on the other side of the door, and I am not prepared enough for the look that takes over Solar's face, or the familiar BMW that pulls up on the street, the same one I know belongs to Namjoon.

Hey guys, so I just wanted to inform you that there is gonna be suicidal context in the following chapters. It's nothing detailed, or comprehensive, but there is mention of it nonetheless, and I just wanted to put that out there before the next chapters roll around, just in case it's any trigger of sorts to anyone.

Other than that, don't forget to vote and comment, I love hearing from you guys.