Jimin.

The warm water cascades down my back, relief washing over me when I feel the knots in my back loosen, my muscles relaxing and by body giving in to the warmth. It unfastens the tension, but it's nothing near enough to relieve me of this day's stress, a life time wouldn't be able to relieve me of this day's stress, this trauma....

My mind has just been swirling with the graven images, ears buzzing with the noise from earlier; the ambulances, the shouting, the crying, and all of it just makes me lightheaded, it makes my vision darken with black spots, my legs to weaken, and that one memory I tend to bury, to flash right before my eyes.

My nails graze tightly on the tiled wall as I feel it coming, and no matter how hard I try I can't stop it, can't divert it or think of anything else. My eyes close once more and I let out a whimper as I unwillingly relive this morning afresh.

He's just lying there, pale, and blue, drowning in his puke. His soft hair just seems dry, his chapped lips cracked, his skin cold. He is lifeless, yet he harbours the most painful expression I have ever seen on anyone. The little world around him is decorated in white and orange pill bottles, different little pills scattered all over the couch, mixed with tissues and other different things that makes the couch, the only place in the room - the most chaotic mess I have ever come across.

I vividly remember my scream, the confusion yet the adrenaline that had ensued within me as I sprung into action. I remember the wait, the noise, the tears and the crowds of people that had come out of their apartments. I remember the ride in the ambulance, and the several prayers that I had muttered as the monitors vigorously beeped around him as they tried to revive him.

I have seen things in this world before, but I have never come across anything as daunting as seeing my friend barely clinging onto life like that. It took a part of me with him, something I don't think I can ever get back. It tore me apart, it still does every second, it's still fresh, and I can't go a minute, can't breathe properly as I think back to it.

It makes me wonder of so many things, think of so many things that could have led him to it. I am definitely one of them, that goes without saying. I played the part, perhaps the biggest role in pushing him to the extremes. I let him, let him live in fantasy, then left him all alone when reality struck.

I wish I could go back, I wish we could turn back time and go back to when none of it was complicated. When I found out about the affair I was surprised, quite frankly disappointed, in not only Hoseok but Jungkook as well. It made me uncomfortable to think I was keeping something as big and as wrong as the two of you them being together, but Hoseok had asked, he had pleaded with me to not do anything drastic. He said he would stop it, he promised me he would find a way to make it right, and I believed him because he was my friend.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I trusted him and Jungkook, trusted their judgement and decisions, I owed them that much of an opportunity to make things right as their friend, but against their better judgement they chose their own path.

It would be easier to say Jungkook led the way, that he did the control, but Hoseok was just as much at fault, he let himself plunge deeper into their desires, dwelling in extreme pleasures that he shouldn't have, hurting their loved ones while simultaneously digging a grave for them.

I wasn't shocked when Seokjin found out, it was bound to happen, soon may I add, but I was worried of what it would do to all of them. I don't know what I thought Hoseok was going to do after, but it sure wasn't harming himself that I thought of.

When he left the office after talking to Seokjin the other day, he stated that he just wanted some space, some alone time, and I gave it to him, I kept my distance knowing well he had to think by himself. Looking back at it, I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have left him alone, or to his thoughts. I should have never let this happen to begin with, I thought I was being his friend, but honestly I was just fooling myself and him as well, I let him think that it was ok what he was doing, let him live on with lying and cheating, and when it came crushing he was all alone.

He ended up pregnant with the very man he couldn't have, and I can only imagine what that must have done to him. Jungkook in his dumb conceited glory must have went back chasing his love, and knowing Hoseok he must have been devastated, yet disappointed and disgusted by himself. He must have wallowed in self loath all these days, and it must have been the last straw when he took those pills. Thanks the heavens I thought about checking on him when he wouldn't answer my calls.

It's just so strange how stars align up for some people. Why the universe would choose two most compatible people to be in love, but at the same time deny them the opportunity of ever experiencing it, or hurt their loved ones if they choose to do so. Hoseok is in love with him, it's evident in every one of his actions, and Jungkook, the way he looks at Hoseok, he doesn't even look at Seokjin like that. There is just so much admiration and love in his eyes and it's such a shame that he doesn't even know it.

They've hurt so many, but they've hurt themselves the most, they lost a child, Hoseok almost died, he might never be the same, and for that I don't know how I am ever going to live with myself, knowing well I let them. I aided this, I pushed for this, blindly until all these occurred.

I spend quit a while in the shower, and Yoongi has to knock on the bathroom door severally to check up on me. I understand his concern, and his need to keep an eye on me, especially after today, it's just that I can't grasp a lot of reality at the moment, I am way in my head, not necessarily thinking, but just... hollow. I am just breathing, but empty nonetheless.

I towel off quickly, putting on my pajamas before drying off my hair. Yoongi is standing out the door when I walk out, he looks extremely worried as he takes in my appearance, fidgeting a bit on his feet as I avoid his gaze. My eyes are swollen, and so are my cheeks, both from hours of crying, and both starting to hurt like a bitch. My lips are bitten from chewing on them, and I barely have enough energy to stand by myself.

"You ok?" Yoongi asks, his feline eyes narrowing even further when I blink back, barely registering his words. I am not ok, I am exhausted, I am worn out and numb and I just want to rest. He breathes out a sigh, pity crossing his eyes as he raises a hand to ran his thumb over my eyebrow.

When I called him earlier at the hospital I was hysterical, I was so scared, and out of everyone in this world I couldn't think of anyone who would bring me comfort other than him. We are not the best of friends, but I knew he would drop anything to be beside me in the worst of times. He knows how to hold me, how to me make feel, and I needed that. He drove me home after, and even offered to stay the night, which I couldn't be more grateful for.

"Are you sure you don't want to eat anything, I can make you something quick." He offers, and I shake my head immediately, I don't think I could hold anything down at this moment, much less food. All of it just makes me sick, it makes my stomach churn, and the last thing I need to be thinking about is puking...

He wants to protest, I know he does, so I clasp my fingers around his wrist, my pleading eyes looking into his worried ones. "I'll eat tomorrow, I just want to rest now. Please." I beg of him, wanting nothing more than the warmth of my sheets, and the warmth of him around me. He nods finally in understanding, and absently, I pull him across the hall, and into my room, feeling a bit relieved at the sight of the bed he's already made for me.

"I'll t- take the couch." He stutters out however, and I look at him confused, a bit surprised. There is hesitation in his voice, a type of doubt, accompanied with a quick emotion that I don't get to decipher. He never stumbles over his words, and rarely ever avoids my gaze either, so I don't catch myself fast enough before asking him why.

He looks a bit uncomfortable, and I realise quickly what I am asking about, and the dynamics of everything still surrounding us. We still haven't straightened out the issue between us or the one with Taehyung, and it's still pretty awkward and kind of fresh in our memories, and although I don't mean to make him uncomfortable, I can't help myself, can't keep myself from him right now.

"I don't want you to go." It comes out timid, but selfish nonetheless, and I look away, not ready to see the rejection in his eyes. He's rejected me one too many times and I don't think I could bare another, especially tonight, not tonight. Tonight I need him, I need his presence, I can't bare being with my thoughts, can't be alone to the nightmares, can't face this all alone...

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable, I know about..." He pauses, and I know what he's talking about. I haven't told him per say, but it's not the biggest of secrets, he could easily tell, has probably been able to for a while. I didn't think of my feelings while I invited him, just wanted him to be around, but I guess it does count that we are not in good terms.

He's looking out for me, but oddly it only sounds like another rejection, and a part of me is starting to form ideas in my mind, ideas on why.

Taehyung barely speaks to me anymore, not anything outside of work, and when I understand he might still be mad about the library incident, I get the feeling it's more than that. He's just gone back to his shell, he's curving and avoiding me at all cost. I know it was important to Yoongi that he apologized to Taehyung, for doing what we did while knowing of Taehyung's feelings for me, but I don't know how it went, I don't know if his apology got accepted, or if he forgave him, and I've been meaning to ask Yoongi that.

"I am not gonna mistake this setting for something else, I just wanted you to be here for tonight, if it is alright with you." I don't want to give him the option to go, but I don't want to hold him back either. He's not mine to hold back, has never been.

He looks at me skeptically, not necessarily uncomfortable but still unsure nonetheless, and it makes me feel bad for asking this of him in the first place. "And I am here, I am just..."

"Just what?" I am eager for him to spit it out, to say out what's holding him back. There is a reason he's been avoiding me, a reason he hasn't addressed the issue with my feelings yet while knows about it, and a part of me yearns to know, to get it over with.

"Forget it." He sighs out eventually, shaking his head before pulling out the covers for me. I can't force it out of him if he won't give it up, so out of lack of choice I climb under the covers, glancing over to him to see him climbing in as well.

He makes himself comfortable on his back, and I turn to my side, heavy eyelids dropping with sleep. Although tired, I can't stop myself from gazing into his side profile, his lined jaw and cute cheeks. He looks beautiful, yet still manly, and it makes my chest melt, but oddly constrict at the same time. He's not mine to think about, to admire or want.

He turns his head to the side, his eyes meeting mine, narrowing when he finds me gazing. I don't even know why I am looking, or why I continue to hurt myself by doing this. I don't even know why I caught feelings for him to begin with, talk about stars lining up for some people.

He stares back into my eyes softly, gently almost, and it's warm, familiar, and a stupid part of me feels a bit of elation at that, it makes me think he cares, loves, and I hate it, hate how emotionally gullible I am, how easy it is to make me sway.

I turn on my back, my eyes meeting the ceiling as I rake my brain for anything other than him and Hoseok. Anything else that would give me sleep, and not lack of it therefore.

It doesn't help that he's incredibly quiet, or that he looks at me that way, if anything he's only causing me more stress, maybe I should have let him go, just so I wouldn't be fighting with myself on my feelings for him.

"You talk to him yet?" I eventually have to ask, not only because I need to stay from my thoughts, but also because I need to know. I wouldn't admit it to him but it's been nagging me more than anything. Taehyung means a lot to him, more than he lets on, the first person I've seen him so worked up for, the first one he would go to the end of the world for, and that's saying a lot when it comes to Yoongi.

It's almost funny how entangled it is. Taehyung likes me, well, he did. And I have all these feelings for Yoongi, yet Yoongi seems to be captured by Taehyung. He is quiet a long time, and for a second I think he won't answer, but he keeps his eyes on me when I look at him, his serious expression not flattering in the slightest.

"He doesn't like me like that." He admits lowly, more to himself than to me, a frown forming on his face after as he turns to look at the ceiling. I don't know if that means he confessed and got rejected, or it's an observation, or maybe he's making it all up in his head, but a tiny part of me feels hopeful, relieved.

"But I think that's for the better, he should be with someone better." He quips in addition, and my mind immediately races to the other night when I asked Taehyung for a chance. Admittedly, I was trying to make amends, and I honestly would have given it my all if he gave me a shot, I would have tried something different, a relationship, other than the shallow fuck buddy setting I've been used to. I would have tried to get over Yoongi, but now, thinking back to it, I don't know anymore. I did it at the heat of the moment, I had resolve back then, and if I were to do it, I would have, but now, seeing Yoongi again, and being with him this closely, not sexually, but close nonetheless, brings out a lot in me.

I am not the right one for Tae either, but a hopeful part me wishes I at least was right for someone else, for Yoongi per say. He's yet to address my feelings that he knows about, and although I am terrified to my core of the pending rejection, I need it to happen, I need an answer to the unspoken questions, he owes me that much.

At least then I can find closure, will to move on or look for the way forward. I like him, I like him a lot, more than I have ever liked anyone, and it's stupid, and foolish and the dumbest thing I have ever done, but it's done either way, he knows it's done.

Closing my eyes, I let myself relax under his gaze, let myself loose at the thought of him watching me the way he does, so fondly and gently. I let myself imagine his sincere eyes, and the ocean of blues that he holds within them, the same one that always stare fondly into my soul.

I let myself dream, let him have his time to think, think about his own choice. He likes Taehyung, but I am not blind to the way he looks at me either, it might mostly be in my head, but I am convinced something is there, it's what holding him back, and until he figures it out, or the path he's gonna take for that matter, he's gonna have us all at a crossroad.

He might not know it yet, but perhaps he needs to choose, between me and Taehyung.

I turn on my side, but almost immediately his arms come around me, body burying into mine, his face finding my neck. It's his warmth, his comfort, and I let myself free knowing nothing can hurt me while I am in his arms. He holds me tight, breathing in my scent, and oddly, I feel like he's already made his decision.