Trigger warnings: Sexual harassment, Self-hatred, Unwanted physical contact, Feelings of nausea 

The water runs and runs and runs but I can still feel Caesar Flickerman's hands on me. Touching me, feeling me. His voice loud and laughing in my ear as he caresses me. I feel sick. I've been to the toilet twice to throw up but nothing happened. So I sit on the shower floor, arms wrapped tight around myself as the water drums against my head and back, and wait for the sensation to pass.

By the time I emerge dripping from the shower, my skin is raw and wrinkled. I wrap a fluffy towel around myself and then step into the baggiest set of pyjamas that I can ask for from my wardrobe. I lie on my bed and runs my hands across my duvet over and over, and suddenly I wish that Ma was here.

Tears fill my eyes. I wonder how disappointed my family is in me right now. I volunteered for Sapphire thinking that I could do it all. But I haven't killed Snow. My actions have led to the deaths of several Avoxes and guards. People whose names I don't know but who had friends and families waiting for them at home. My plan for the Games is shaky at best and I have more enemies than allies. And the entire nation has seen Caesar Flickerman put his hands all over me whilst I flirt on smile and on stage.

I shudder and grip my duvet closer. I'm a mess. A mess who causes destruction and pain wherever I go. Maybe tomorrow I'll step off that platform before the countdown. I never stood a chance anyway.

There's a knock at my door. "Glimmer, it's me."

Arion. I stay where I am. I don't want anyone seeing me like this, least of all them.

"Can I come in?"

I don't respond and instead try and wipe my eyes which continue to flow.

"I have a message from the girl from District Five."

The words are so quiet that I think I've misheard them. I sigh. How worse can things get? My limbs feel like lead as I get off my bed and move over to the door.

Arion stands hand clasped as I open the door and move aside to let them pass. They wait until I have closed the door behind them, and then they murmur, "Are you alright?"

I shrug, turning slightly so they can't see my tears. "No, but it's the way of the world. What's the message from Finch? The girl from District Five?"

They smile slightly, "She had two actually."

"Oh?" I sit down on my bed and busy myself with straightening my duvet.

"The first was 'See you tomorrow, Princess'."

"In a snarky tone?"

"I think so. It was hard to tell."

"And the second?"

"She wanted me to let you know that from tomorrow Caesar Flickerman will have to start wearing a wig."

That brings a smile to my face. I imagine Finch silently stalking Caesar and slipping into his house. How will she do it, I wonder? Shave his head whilst he's asleep? Pour something into his bedtime drink?

Arion sits down on the bed beside me and passes me a pack of tissues. I take one and hastily wipe my eyes.

"I think," They say, "That no matter what happens tomorrow, you'll have at least one ally in that arena." They place their hands gently on my shoulders, "You can do this, Glimmer."

I drop my tissue onto my bed and wrap my arms around Arion. They're bonier than I imagined and I feel them stiffen before they relax, hugging me back. I gaze at their ribboned cloak, the upside-down names of all those that they couldn't save, and I vow that I will not become one of them.

I will make it home to my family and Sparkle.

"Thank you," I tell Arion, "Thank you for everything."

Later, when Arion has gone, Cashmere and Gwen come knocking at my door. The moment I open it, they both pull me into a hug. This one far more stifling than Arion's.

"Remember everything I've told you," Cashmere says, gripping my right wrist, "Flirt. Fight. Do whatever you can to keep yourself alive and the cameras trained on you."

"Next time we see you, dear," Gwen takes my other hand. She has tears in her eyes, "You'll be a Victor."

She kisses me once on the forehead and then they're gone.

I turn off my light and clamber into bed, wrapping the covers tight around me. I should be thinking of the Games, running over mine and Finch's strategy, but all I can visualise is the feel of Caesar Flickerman and the laughter of the audience. I sigh. It seems that thanks to him I won't be able to close of that part of my brain tonight. Because in thinking of Caesar Flickerman, I'm remembering too when something like this happened in a different place with a different man. A memory locked behind a door of hate and pain.

Well, I think, better now than in the arena. I feel the latch in my mind's eye and swing that door open, letting the past engulf me.

It went something like this. Two weeks after the Incident with the Peacekeeper, I had been alone in The Rising Phoenix. It was early afternoon in a workday. Ma had been busy in the kitchen, preparing food for the evening, and I had been cleaning the tables, and putting out flowers for decorations.

And then, for a reason I cannot remember, I had decided to take our bins outside. They had been heavy and twice my height, but I'd felt a sense of pride as I dragged them around the back of the pub. I'd put them in place, wiped my small hands on my dress, and turned around. There was a man standing there, blocking the way back to the pub. His dark clothes were greasy and he stank of alcohol.

"Can I help you?" I asked politely.

He took a step towards me, "You're that little girl who scared the Peacekeeper didn't you?"

"Didn't scare," I jutted my chin out, "Just told him the truth. And I'm not little."

He had smiled an awful grin then. "You're a smartass. It'll be fun putting you in your place."

I don't remember what happened next. But I do remember the feel of his large hands on me, grabbing me. I bit him, my teeth sinking into the back of his scratchy hand. I fled through a hole in a hedge and ran and ran until I somehow came to the Victor's Village.

There had been a boy about my age skipping by the gate, his fringe of brown hair falling into his eyes.

He stopped when he saw me and came towards me, "Are you okay?"

"There's a bad man after me," I panted.

"A bad man?" His blue eyes looked alarmed, "Where?"

"Little girl! Come back here!" We both stared at each other at the man's voice, "Where are you?"

The boy grabbed my arm, "This way!"

He led me into the bush just as the man ran through the gates.

"He'll see us," I whispered.

"It will be okay," The boy promised, but he was shaking, "My mother will get him."

"Your mother?"

"She's a Victor. Some days she doesn't like loud noises, so-"

"Aha!" The man suddenly turned towards our hiding place, "Are you in that hedge, little girl? I can see it moving!"

"Wait," The boy whispered, as the man moved closer. Then, when he was a few steps away, he yelled, "Mother, help! Help!"

"You little-" The man lunged towards our bush, but then, with a crash, the door to the house beside us, burst open. A woman launched out of it, hurtling towards the man, and pummelling him with her arms and legs.

"Get away from my son!" She bellowed.

"See?" The boy said as the man ran away, "I told you she'd get him. I want to be just like her one day."

"Are you alright?" The woman turned towards us, as we stepped out from behind our hedge. Then she frowned, "Who are you?"

"He was chasing her," The boy said, whilst I nodded.

"Are you hurt?" The woman asked. I shook my head, "Do you want to come inside for some food?"

"No, it's okay," I said, finally finding my voice, "I should go home. My Ma will be worried. Thank you."

And so, I scurried back home, away from the nice boy and his fierce mother. I learnt later that the boy's name was Marvel.

The next day, I decided to come to one of my grandmother's training sessions with Moonshine.

"What are you doing?" He had scowled, "I'm the one who's going to kill Snow."

I'd ignored him and turned to face my grandmother, "I want to learn to protect myself. I don't want anyone to hurt me."

My grandmother had nodded simply, "Then let's start with the basics. Try and grab my arm."

And then she'd shown how to grab someone's elbow and get them onto the floor.

I should have done that to Caesar Flickerman. Thrown him onto the floor like I did with that man in the bar. It would have been satisfying to do that in front of the whole of Panem. I wipe the tears from my eyes and take a breath. I will save it for the arena. My anger and skills. I will go down fighting tomorrow and I will show them all that I have what it takes to win. I will win and return home and prove to myself and everyone else that I am enough and that I deserve to win.