Is it wrong to be selfish in love?

Did he just say that!?

I have been debating over the issue since I met him at Mumbai New Writers Interface.

Who him?

Who him? I want to know too...

Her...Ajnabi.

What??? Ajnabi??? Ayyooo!

See...I am being selfsih...

I can't even stand anyone's name with HER, will I be able to see her name attached with someone else all her lifetime???

No...I can't...I am not so selfless...

I love her and I want her in my life...

He loves you so much di...Would you want to lose someone like that?

Is it wrong to wish to have her in my life even after knowing that someone else loves her equally as I do? I would contemplate.

So what if someone loves her as much as you do?

There would be hundreds of people who love her, does that mean you should back off just for that reason? Not practical I would counter.

So it is alright to hide the truth from her, right! I would think.

Yes, it is! But have you ever thought if she loves him too? I would ask.

Does she? She never told me I would defend.

Have you ever told her that you were in love with her before she met you? No, right! She too must be hiding it from you I would argue.

But why would she hide it from me? She had happily agreed for our alliance and that too after she had met Ajnabi. If she would love him, she would never have agreed to marry me I would give back.

Are you sure she happily agreed? What if she was forced? I would contemplate.

I never forced her I would declare.

I never said you forced her. Someone from her family would have, I would assume.

Could have, you mean! I would refute.

Whatever! Give it a thought. What if someone from her family had forced her to agree? I would ask.

Could it be? I disagree to agree I would state.

Would you care to explain please? I would demand.

Ok...I will...Listen...

If you remember,

She met Ajnabi in Feb,

We officially met in June,

We were engaged in July,

Ajnabi had called her in March,

And Ajnabi says that she refused to recognise him.

That means she does not remember him.

Yes she does not remember him.

If she would, she would recognise him.

If she would love him, she would never fail to recognise him.

Are you convinced now or shall I explain better? I would explain.

I am pretty impressed and totally convinced.

She does not love him...she does not love him I would rejoice.

So its alright to hide the truth from her.

As Ajnabi quoted "Those Char Kadam does not mean anything to her".

I should not tell her that I know about her Ajnabi.

She would think I do not trust her.

She would be hurt...

No...I can't hurt her...

So I am never going to tell her I would decide.

But then again...

What is the reason for her aloofness?

Why is she often upset?

Why has she changed?

Why does she avoid saying I Love You?

Why does she not spend time with me? I would re-think.

Stop it Raman...

Do not over-think...

You are going to earn nothing by wasting your precious time on such silly thoughts...

Get over it and concentrate on your wedding that's happening in a few months I would chide.

Khud ko chahe kitna bhi samjhalo, galti galti hi hoti hai

Sach ko chupana, jhoot ke barabar hi hai

Kisi bhi rishte ki buniyad sach par honi chahye

Jhoot ki buniyad par bana hua rishta zyada der nahi tikthi

I had blocked all paths of my brain that led to thinking and re-thinking over the issue yet the guilt never left me.

The guilt of hiding the truth from her

The guilt of being selfish in love

The guilt of not considering the probability of her being in love with him

The guilt of being unfaithful to her

A cocktail of guilt was killing me within.

What kept me alive was the hope for a miracle that someday she would confess her love for me.

Raman was going through such a turmoil but never let me know.

I have been the reason for all this turmoil. I hate myself for that.

''Expectation leads to disappointment. If you do not want to be disappointed, do not expect anything. And if you still want to expect then 'EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED' "
One of the Professors at my university once said.

Well said! I wish I learnt that before!

For some reason these lines had touched me and stayed safe in my memory.

I admired those lines but never applied them in life.

I wish, I had...

I wish, I had too...

If I did, I would not be disappointed on realising that Ishita's heart belonged to Ajnabi.

How did he know that?

6th Feb!
The date I remembered fondly until now was now filled with dreadful memories.

What is he even talking about???

6th Feb, 2014 I fell in love with her.

6th Feb, 2015 I started hating myself.

Why would he say that??? What has he done???

A week ahead, ie., 31st Jan, 2015, I had plans on my mind of spending the day with my love on 6th Feb and I had decided I would tell her everything, how I fell in love with her and how I discovered the truth about Ajnabi.

I knew she would never agree to come with me. So I used the wedding outfits fittings as a pretext. I had everything planned and I called her.

Is that why he called me that day???

But to my dismay, she had refused to come citing some important work.

That was the first disappointment.

Sorry for disappointing you Raman...

Huh! So she wasn't coming.

Koi nahi, wo nahi to uski yadein hi sahi I thought and booked my tickets for Bangalore on 6th Feb, same place, same date, same time.

What???? No...It can't be...Raman in Bangalore too...No...No...

I intended to spend some time there reminiscing the moments that had me fall in love with her.

Guess what I found when I reached there?

Correction...

Guess WHO I found when I reached there?

I found Anamika.

Yes, I found Anamika.

Because she was not my Ishita.

She was Ajnabi's Anamika.

Disappointed for the second time.

Ayyo!!! Raman was there too...Raman knew that I had been to Bangalore...

What made me think so?

Even a fool would be able to tell that she was waiting for someone she was in love with.

She did not move an inch from her place but eyes were restlessly wandering all over the place scanning for his presence.

But I did not spot Raman anywhere in the railway station...Is this all his imagination??? But how can imagination be so close to reality???

Then how did I escape her eyes you may wonder.

Well...the first thing I did when I spotted her was to hide behind a pillar from where I could see her but she could not.

I was back to all cheap tactics you see.

People say that the one you love brings out the best in you.

But strangely she brings out the worst in me

I become a STALKER, an EAVESDRPPER, a CHEAPSTER, a LIAR, a SELF-SEEKER around her.

Why so?

I think I love her way too much that the worst in me comes out.

Kuchh bhi!!!

If Ishita were to hear this, she would say 'Kuchh bhi'

How do you know me so well???

I just love the way she says that.

Blush

After waiting for hours, she had boarded her train on not finding him there.

I had boarded the same train too but this time I did not exchange my seats with a passenger in her coach.

But why???

You are asking why Ishita??? Really???

After having his heart crushed so ruthlessly by you, do you even expect him to stay by you???

I had gone back to my seat and taken out a diary and a pen and started penning down

Dedicated to the love of my life I began with.

Now I knew there was no point in hiding the truth from her.

I did not have enough courage to face her, so I found the easy way of writing down the story of my life.

By the time we reached Delhi, I had written everything she needed to know.

I would hand over this diary to her as soon as we get off the train I thought.

Ayyo!!! How would I face him???

But then I realised this book is still incomplete.

I needed to add some pages to it.

Pages from the book of another person who was mysteriously connected to our lives, Ajnabi.

After reaching Delhi, I printed out the scanned copy of Char Kadam that he had mailed to me.

I then added those pages in my diary.

Oh! Now I know the mystery behind different handwritings and pens.

The book now seemed complete except for the last chapter.

But why???

Why so???

My note on the last page will tell you the reason.

Note on last page?

Let me check...

Wait...there is something written in bold letters below...

Please do not turn over to the last page now.

But why?

I have something else to tell you too.

What now?

I was now almost sure that I was going to lose her.

Officially she belonged to me but her heart never belonged to me.

Even after realising that I still chose to be selfish.

No...I wouldn't hide anything from her.

Nor would I force her to stay with me.

I was selfish because I wanted to spend some time with her all alone.

That cannot be called being selfish Raman.

What I did can definitely be termed as selfish.

I was too selfish to realise your unconditional love for me.

I was too selfish to give you a space in my heart.

I was too selfish to let go of my feelings for Ajnabi.

This is called being selfish Raman.

I planned everything without telling her.

I would appear at her place uninformed and take her with me even if she would resist.

His uninformed arrival last morning was for this purpose?

That is why he was behaving strangely as if this was the last time he was seeing me.

I was selfsih I wanted a few moments in which she belonged only to me.

Ajnabi had walked the special Char Kadam

Why can't I have Char Pal that will be the best memory of my life?

Everything is planned, let's see how it turns out to be.

So that means he wrote this chapter before our date...

See...I am expecting again...

I hope this time you were not disappointed...

And this time I will surely be disappointed

Did he just say that!?

---To be continued---

Have u been expecting something from the update and got disappointed?

Do u think Ishita will forgive Raman?

Do u think Raman was selfish?

Infinite questions on my mind now...Filhal itne kafi hain...

Waiting for ur answers...