FIFTEEN.   memory is punishment

      Two months passed since Silas Adler died. It was the worst two months of her life. Hannah offered to let her stay with her and Monty. The Greene family was always accepting of her. She cried most nights, some quiet and some loud. She had nightmares. She'd cry for her father. Other days she wouldn't sleep at all.

She hardly left the bed. Her friends did everything to try and make her feel better, but it was hopeless. Tatum felt empty inside. She barely interacted with people. She just wanted to alone.

She sat by herself in the mess hall, picking at her food, with, with head rested on the palm of her hand. She for sympathetic stares from everyone in the room and it made her skin crawl.

A boy came and sat across from her, startling her. She recognized him from the Ark. Riley Evergreen. His hair was dark and messy and his eyes were dark brown. He had moles dotted on his face. "Hi." He spoke first with a smile.

Tatum looked around them before sitting up straight.  "Hi." She awkwardly replied.

"I saw you sitting alone. You're Tatum, right? I heard about your dad dying. I'm really sorry."

She blinked and looked at her plate of uneaten food.  "Um, yeah, it's okay. Thank you." She said timidly.

He nodded slightly. "You know, I hate seeing people sit by themselves. So if you need anyone to talk to, or just someone to sit here with you, I can be that guy." He said to her kindly. He stuck out his hand. "I'm Riley Evergreen."

Tatum stood frozen, like her muscles were locked. "Riley." She uttered with a shaky voice. She thought she was in a nightmare. He was grinning at her and it chilled her bones until they hurt.

He was wearing the clothes he had on the night she killed him, but they were fresh and clean, like that night never happened. "Hey, Blue Eyes." He spoke.

Finn gave her that nickname first. Then it traveled his way, and it made her sick every time she heard it. She hadn't heard his voice in so long. He took a step forward only for her to take another step back. "Don't be afraid, Tatum. It's just me." He said sinisterly.

"W-What are you doing here?" She stuttered and pinched her arm, trying to wake up. Because he was dead. She killed him.

A smile grew on his face. "I came to see you. I've missed you, baby."

"I don't understand."

He looked her up and down. Tatum wanted to throw up. "You look so beautiful."

"Riley, you're dead," she muttered. The fear in stared to rise. "I killed you."

"Yeah, that was really unfortunate." He nodded sadly. "But it's okay. I forgive you."

She started to feel dizzy. "W-What?"

Riley was much taller than her. He stood at Bellamy's height so he towered over her. He placed his hands on her shoulders. She flinched hard. "Hey, hey, it's okay. I won't hurt you." He gently reassured her.

She began to tremble. "Yes, you will." She whimpered and tried to get away.

He kept a hold of her and brushed the hair out of her face. "It's okay, baby."

She squeezed her eyes shut. "You're not here."

"Oh, but I am." Riley chuckled. The trembling became more severe. "I'm always here. I'm here every time you sleep. i'm here in your dreams. I'm here whenever you get hurt. I'm here every time you look at him." He taunted her

Tatum shook her head. "He's nothing like you." She sneered.

There was another siniste chuckle. "Isn't he? He's just another older boy you've found yourself falling in love with. Just like you did with me."

She jerked herself away from him. "Bellamy would never hurt me."

"That's what they all say."

"Go away! You're not here!" She cried out.

"I'll always be here, Blue Eyes. You can't get rid of me." His voice darkened.

Riley suddenly grabbed her by the neck and Tatum gasped. He backed her up into the wall and she grabbed his arm, trying to pull away. "Riley, please." She whimpered.

He then took her by the hair and slung her to the other side of the chamber, hitting her head against the wall. Tatum yelled out in pain. "You're not here!"

He stood over her and smirked. "Then how can you feel this?" He kicked her in the stomach and she screamed. 

He gasped her arms and pulled her up. "Get away from me!" She screamed in his face. A thousand memories haunted her. They punished her.

Riley slung her into the barrels. "You know what's everyone thinks of you, Tate? They think you're a killer."

Tatum's body was screaming at her. "That's not true." She shook her head.

"Tatum Adler, the girl who killed her boyfriend," he continued to provoke her. "You think Bellamy's gonna want to be with someone who murdered her own boyfriend? He's probably scared out of his mind to even kiss you."

She shut her eyes again, the darkness making her feel safer than him. "You're wrong." She shakily said.

"Am I?" He laughed. "You think just because they call you their friend that they're not afraid to get in your bad side? That you're one of them? You're nothing, Tatum. You're weak!"

"I'm not!"

"You're so weak that you couldn't even tell me that you were pregnant."

A shot to the heart. Tatum started crying in anger. "Don't talk about my baby—"

"What baby? We don't have a baby because of you!" Riley shouted and grabbed her again.

"He's dead because of you!" She screamed in his face. Tears blocked her vision.

He threw her to the ground. "I did nothing! If you would've just listened to me we would have our baby! We would have everything!" He raged and spit came flying out of his mouth. His face was bright in rage.

"I didn't want anything with you!"

"You don't have anyone anymore. You're all alone. No one wants you. They would all be fine if you died."

She laid there feeling broken and powerless. Like that poor fourteen year old girl she was when her dad died. Like that fifteen year old girl she was when he hit her for the first time. Like that sixteen year old girl she was when she found out she was pregnant and Riley killed their child, and almost killed her.

She thought of everyone. Her best friends since childhood. Wells, who she was becoming friends with, and he died too soon. Octavia, the first person to not treat her like a criminal but just a girl who had a hard life. Clarke, who she hated in the beginning but now she would do anything for.

The demons of her past taunted her, saying that she couldn't get out of this one. You can't get away from him with this bullet lodged in your chest. Do you know how this ends? Do you feel lucky? Do you want to go home now? There's a man with shaky fist and gritted teeth waiting for you, smiling as he waits to kill you. Choose your fate, Tatum.

She's arguing with the Angel of death. Nobody knows how long she'd been waiting for death. She's full of suicides, of rotting corpses and brittle skeletons, and they infected the living parts of her. She's dead, but she's not dead.

Tatum thought of Bellamy. A man she despised more than everyone, but he quickly became the person she loved the most. She's die for him. He brought her back to life. He was the calm in her chaos. Her compass. Bellamy showed her that there was more to life than being angry. Than to be miserable. She could forgive herself. He can't hurt you anymore, Tatum.

Her blue eyes blazed fire. "You're wrong. You know nothing about love or friendship. You hurt me to cover up your own insecurities. And I feel sorry for you." She spat.

Riley shook his head at her words. "Your father would be so disappointed. You should've died in that cell."

She struggled to stand up but she did. She squeezed her eye shut again. "Fuck you, Riley. I'm not afraid of you anymore!" She yelled.

When she opened them again, Riley was gone. The pain she felt was gone. She looked around but there was no sight of him. She wasn't afraid anymore. Riley was her biggest fear. What kept her from forgiving herself. And now he was gone. She was not weak.

She fell to the ground again when a blunt force collided with the back of her head.

When she woke up, her vision was clouded. She was very dizzy. "Mother fucker." She groaned. She felt a warm liquid coat her head. She scrambled to her feet, stumbling in the process, and she looked around. There was nobody there.

Bellamy.

She ran up the staircase of the chamber and flung the door open. What she thought she'd see was bright light was actually darkness. How long had she been down there? "Bellamy!" She shouted his name and started running through the forest. There was no sight of him in the darkness. From a distance, she heard sounds of struggling and followed the sound. She found Dax standing over Bellamy with a gun pointed at him. She quickly ran behind him and pointed the ruffle at his back. "Put the gun down, Dax."

Dax spun around and pointed the weapon at her, chuckling. "Well, if it isn't the leading lady. I was for sure I killed you."

She glared and kept the gun raised. "No, just a concussion, you asshole."

"I didn't want to hurt you Tatum, but, Shumway's orders."

It made her furrow her brows. "What?"

"Shumway set it up," Bellamy voiced from the ground, his breathing heavy. "He gave me the gun to kill the Chancellor."

"Walk away now and I won't kill you." Dax threatened her.

"Not a chance. You don't scare me." She barked.

He shrugged again. "Your choice."

He fired his gun and she ducked down, her eyes widening. "No!" She heard Bellamy shout. Tatum quickly hid behind one of the trees and saw him tackle Dax to the ground. He lunged at him but Dax kicked him backward after managing to kick him in the ribs. He got on top of him and started punching him in the face.

Tatum saw red and ran behind Dax, grabbing him by his collar. "Get the fuck off of him." She shouted in a fury.

But Dax was stronger than her. He swung his fist back and hit her in the face. Tatum quickly dropped to the ground. She for sure had a concussion.

Before Dax could do anything else to her, Bellamy quickly grabbed a bullet shell from the fired gun and shoved it into the side of his neck. They watched his body fall to the ground.

Breathing stiffly, Tatum crawled away from him and her and Bellamy leaned against the closest tree. She clutched her throbbing head. "Shit."

"Are you okay?" He asked through his own tired breaths.

"I don't even know anymore. Are you?"

"No, I'm not," he responded and shook his head. "My mother. . . if she knew what i'd done. . . who I am," he admitted somberly and his eyes watered. "She raised me to be better. To be good."

"Bell—"

He began to cry. "All I do is hurt people. I'm a monster."

Tatum grabbed his face and made him turn to her.  "Hey, no. You're not a monster. You saved my life. You've saved everyone's lives on more than one occasion. You're the glue holding us together. We're nothing without you. I'm nothing without you," she rambled and stared deeply into his eyes, and she didn't realize how more her heart was opening up to him. "We need you. I need you. So you want forgiveness? Fine, you have it. You have all of it."

Bellamy titled his head, his face still in her hands. "Tate—"

"I didn't get it before." She interrupted him. "But I do now. We've all done bad things, Bell. We've all made mistakes. But we can't run from them. They can make us stronger. And Bellamy, you're so strong."

"I'm not." He replied weakly.

"Yes, you are." She nodded her head. "We both are. We both did what we had to do to survive. If that makes us monsters then fuck it."

His velvet eyes scanned her face. "You saw him, didn't you? You saw Riley. He was your biggest fear."

She slowly let go of his face. "Yeah, I did. He said a lot of things, things that I was still thinking until now. I've spent all this time being afraid of him and it's set me back so much. But i'm not scared anymore. He can't hurt me. Bell, our pasts do not define us, okay? We'll talk to Jaha together. We'll get through this together."

Bellamy eyed her silently. Her passion was strong. She was no longer that scared, timid girl from the Ark, or the girl he thought he knew based on what he heard about her. She was powerful. He grabbed her hand and brought it closer to him. "Can we figure it out later?" He asked, barely above a whisper.

She smiled gently and nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, whenever you're ready."

Her head rested on his tiredly and she felt him lean his on hers. "Tate?"

"Yeah?"

"I won't leave you. I promise."

A faint smile curled on her lips. Tatum lifted her head, chasing him to lift his, and she looked at him. It was factual to her in that moment that he was indeed her compass, and he was leading her in the right direction. "I think I'm ready to tell them."

His eyebrows raised. "What?"

"He can't hurt me anymore. I'm not scared. I'm ready to tell them."

The walk back to camp was silent. Tatum held Bellamy's hand, thinking in her brain about how she was going to tell her friends the truth about Riley. She was beyond terrified to tell them, thinking about their reactions. When she saw Jasper and Monty, she let go of Bellamy's hand and ran to them. "Guys!"

Jasper jumped when she crashed into him. He stumbled. "Whoa there, trooper." He said while laughing.

"Did you hallucinate too?" Monty joked. He jumped when she hugged him as well. "Oh, okay. Hello."

"I did. I saw Riley."

Both of their smiled fell. Then, they looked at each other. "A-Are you okay?" Jasper stuttered.

Her nerves heightened. "I feel great. I'm not scared anymore. I don't think i've ever thanked the two of you so much for always being by my side."

Monty smiled at that. "Try and keep us away, Adler."

"Yeah, you know we love you." Jasper added with a playfully smile.

Tatum swallowed harshly. "Um—" she shook her sweaty hands. "There's, uh, there's something I have to tell you."

"Uh oh," said Monty.

"That's never good." Said Jasper.

She grabbed their hands and pulled them away from the camp. They sat together on a nearby log. She sat between them. "Okay. . ."

Jasper blinked. "You're kinda scaring me, Tater."

"Yeah, me too."

"Trust me, I'm scared myself." She swallowed again. "You guys know how Riley was."

Both the boys frowned. "Yeah." Monty nodded.

"But I haven't told you guys the whole truth." They looked very concerned. "When I was sixteen. . ." She felt tears build in her eyes. "Oh gosh—"

Jasper immediately shook his head. "Maybe you shouldn't tell us."

"No, no, I need to. I can't move on until I do." Tatum declared. She took a deep and heavy breath. She continued. "When I was sixteen, I found out I was pregnant—" she missed their uncomfortable expressions. "And I was so scared. I didn't know how I was going to tell anyone, let alone Riley. At first, I thought of not having it because I was so terrified. But," her expression became sad. "Then night I was going to tell Riley, we got into a fight."

Jasper sucked in a deep breath. Monty looked concerned.

"He, uh. . ." She looked at her lap. "It got really, really violent. I lost the baby. And I almost died."

The boys looked at each other, both shocked. Jasper rubbed his mouth, processing the information. "Oh, Tate. . ."

"Tatum, I'm so sorry." Said Monty and he grabbed her hand.

"I never told anyone because I was so ashamed. I'm so sorry—"

"Is that why you killed him?" Jasper realized.

"Half the reason why," she responded. "He tried to assault me in the middle of the night. I kept telling him to stop but he wouldn't. I didn't mean to kill him. I just wanted him to stop."

When her eyes glossed over, Monty wrapped his arm around her. "I'm so sorry." He whispered and she laid her head on his shoulder.

Jasper grabbed her hand and held it. "I'm so sorry."

"I'm sorry I never told you guys. I'm really sorry." She cried.

"We still love you, Tate. That's not going to change. I promise." Monty told her.

"We're still the Golden Trio. We love you." Said Jasper.

She smiled shakily and laughed. "I love you guys, too." The fear she'd been feeling for so many years disappeared. The weight on her shoulders lifted and she felt like she could breathe again. They were her best friends. Her brothers. Nothing would ever ruin that.

"Tatum!" She opened her eyes and saw Bellamy. He stood at the tent they'd set up for all of the delinquents to talk to their families. She lifted her head and wiped her face. "Jesus, that was heavy."

Jasper laughed, also having tears in his eyes. "Leave it to you to bring the mood down, Tater."

Monty laughed and she punched his arm. "Shut up." She laughed with them. She stood from the log. "I'll see you guys in a minute."

"You look happier, Tatum." Monty shouted as she walked away.

She looked over her shoulder and flashed him a smile. She stood in front of Bellamy and took a breath. "Are you ready?"

Bellamy shook his head. "Not really."

"Neither am I." She reached her hand out. "Together?"

He took it. "Together."

Together, the two of them entered the tent and saw the set up. She slid into one of the seats and he sat in the one beside her. Chancellor Jaha appeared on the large screen and they put the headsets on. "Mr. Blake, I've wanted to talk to you for a while."

Tatum could see how nervous Bellamy was and she took it upon herself to stand up for him. She touched his arm. "Can I say something first?" She asked Jaha.

Both men looked at her. "Miss Adler," Jaha acknowledged. He then nodded. "Yes, what is it you have to say?"

"When you sent us all down here, you sent us here to die," she began. She felt herself getting nervous. "But most of us are still alive, surprisingly." She glanced at the man beside her. "Bellamy has a lot to do with that.  He's one of us. He's a leader. None of this would be possible without him." Bellamy slowly smiled as he listened to her. She looked back at the Chancellor. "He deserves a chance to be pardoned for his crimes just like everyone else."

"Tatum, I appreciate your point of view, but it's not that simple—"

Bellamy spoke up. "It could be that simple. If you'd like to know who on the Ark wants you dead."

It went quiet while Jaha processing his statement. She grabbed his hand. "Bellamy Blake,  you're pardoned for your crimes."

She released a breathy laugh and they looked at each other, smiling wide. She squeezed his hand again.

"Now tell me."

"Commander Shumway."

Jaha just simply nodded, taking in the information.  His eyes turn to Tatum. "Miss Adler, i'd like to talk to you, too." He spoke to her.

This time, Bellamy took action. "Before you do, there's something you have to understand." He began. Both her and Jaha looked at him. "Riley Evergreen was not a good person. He did things that should be considered more than punishable. What happened between him and Tatum was an act of self defense."  He glanced at the girl. "Just like me and everyone else,  she deserves a second chance. She's what keeps us stable and keeps us going around here. Without her, I promise you, we won't make it very far."

Tatum smiled warmly. He looked back at the screen but he still felt her eyes on him, which made him smile also.

Jaha nodded his head at his statement. "Tatum, did you kill Riley Evergreen in self defense?" He directed to her.

"Yes." She nodded quickly, then paused. "Uh. . . sir."

"And there's people that can confirm this?"

She nodded again. "Oh yeah, absolutely. . . sir."

With another nod, Jaha sat up straight. "Tatum Adler,  you're pardoned for your crimes as well."

Tatum exhaled loudly and smiled widely. "Thank you.  Thank you so much." She said and contained the squeal she was desperate to let out. With that, her and Bellamy exited the tent and she didn't hesitate to jump in his arms, making him step back in surprise. "The cat lives to see another day!" She shouted.

Bellamy furrowed his brows but circled his arms around her waist anyway. "What?"

"Not important." she shook her head and he sat her down. She smirked up at him. "See, what'd I tell you?  Everything would work out." She teased and put her hands on her hips.

He rolled his eyes. "I never doubted you."

"You better not ever." She responded with a laugh.

He formed a smile. "I'm proud of you for telling them. You're brave."

Her cheek flushed red and she smiled again. She ran off to tell Jasper and Monty the good news.