TEN.   my longing waits to kill me

      Bellamy Blake was not an easy person to read. He lived his whole life for his sister. Having an illegal sibling meant he did everything to protect her even if it meant losing his life. A lost childhood, damaged and ripped apart. He had been unhappy for as long as he could remember. Protection and apprehension molded him into a leader; being a leader meant he had to be strong and courages. He was not allowed to show his feelings because he felt they would interfere with the camp's work. He did things unspeakable to protect others. 

The pain of losing his mother bared a monster inside him and the monster had teeth. Pain upon pain was a never ending cycle in the life of Bellamy Blake but he did it all to protect Octavia. He wondered if there was a home for someone like him. The demons in his head whisper How terrible that you could do all this to yourself. How lonely you must be. Loneliness was an ugly feeling and through it all, Bellamy believed he would never gain back what he lost.

Then he met her. A stubborn, obstinate, bull headed girl who on the inside was just as broken as he was. A diamond in the rough. From the outside, she bared her teeth in other directions and walked with her head held high. Her slick comments covered tortured cries.  But the more he got to know her, he discovered she was strong willed, resolute, and honorable. She took the pain buried beneath the gravel and made a pearl.

Bellamy admired the way Tatum was able to cover her destruction and still be able to lead. She was so much more than the girl he first met when they came to the ground, the girl that spit fire and dug her claws into your back. She was vulnerable and lonely just like him.  She opened herself to him and the poems scratched on the walls of her throat were heard. In his mind, she was Persephone and he was Hades. But oh god, in his heart, he was Icarus and she was the sun and he found himself flying closer and closer to her until his rotting flesh melted to reveal his aching ribs.

Bellamy was falling for Tatum the way Icarus fell for the sun's light.

Those wings led him outside of her closed tent that night. Her faint sobs were clear. Bellamy took a step forward and then one back, and then again, and again. Tonight was traumatic. Every traumatic event in her life molded together and forced itself into her bones to the point where she wanted to give up. Her vulnerability weakened him. It made him fall to his knees and hold her in his hands. She was the sun and he was a fool fated to fall and burn. But even with wax on wings, he would fly toward her. 

Bellamy pulled the flap of the tent back and peaked his head inside. He saw her lying there curled into a ball, her head on her knees. "Tatum."

She lifted her head. Tears coated around her angelic blue eyes, and he suddenly felt like he was drowning. She was crying. She was sad. But she was so fucking pretty. Tatum sniffled. "Bell." She whispered back, her voice soft but also broken.

Bellamy walked further into her tent. He walked slowly. "I didn't want you to be alone."

If Tatum was left alone, it terrified her to think about what she would do. Her heart was torn to pieces. She thought it was healing. She motioned for him to sit on the bed with her.

He sat on the edge by her feet. His eyes wondered around the space. "I like your tent." He managed to say.

She stifled a laugh. "Are you nervous?"

He scoffed. "No." Yes. "Why would I be nervous?"

"You've never been in my tent before."

"I respect your space."

"That's it?"

"Sure is."

She grinned lightly. "I respect that."

Bellamy chuckled under his breath. There was silence again. He manned up. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asked softly.

"Can you just stay here with me?" She asked. She sounded like a wounded child. But that's what she was. She was a girl who never got to fix her childhood. She was a girl who grew up too fast and all for a boy. A girl who thought having a baby was her way to cling to something of her own so that she didn't have to cling to him. But he took that from her. Now, Tatum just felt empty.

This wasn't the first time Bellamy was in a girls tent, but it was the first time he felt nervous in one. Tatum Adker was not a girl he could throw to the side and forget about. "Yeah. Yeah, I'll stay with you."

She laid on her bed. Bellamy crawled beside her. She pressed her back to his chest, his arms circled her waist. Their hands intertwined. Bellamy Blake was nothing like Riley Evergreen. Riley's touch was always cold. Malicious and manipulative. But Bellamy's was genuine. It was careful.

"I already lost a child once. I didn't think I'd lose another. Even if she wasn't mine."

Bellamy stared at a spot of the tent over her head. "What was it like? Y'know losing it?" He wondered out loud.

"Like a piece of me died. I didn't want to be a sixteen year old mother but god, I just wanted to hold him." She spoke desperately. The thought of her child. The life she could have had if she had him. It taunted her.

Bellamy's fingers dragged along her freckled skin. Her shivers made him grin. "Tell me more about your life. Y'know before. . ." Even trying to say his name left a bad taste in his mouth.

"I was a troublemaker." She said with a laugh. "It was me, Monty, and Jasper our whole lives. Then we met Finn. Then Raven. Murphy—" she paused for a short minute. "—but it was still always the three of us. My dad never knew everything we did, but, he said we were just kids. My mom died and he was all I had left.

"But then he got sick. I tried all I could do to help him get through it, but, the doctors told us it was inevitable. I'm just glad I got to have a life with him like I did." She took another pause. "I think that's why I considered having a baby. Hoping I'd have something that would remind me of him."

Bellamy stopped his trailing and his hand laid flat on her arm, his touch warm. The way she spoke, it was like he could picture her life while she was talking. "You're something else, Adler." He muttered with a light smile.

She smiled as well. He couldn't see it but he could hear it. "So are you, Blake."

It wasn't long after that that she fell asleep. Bellamy laid there, feeling her inhale and exhale in his arms, and he was almost afraid to move. So he just looked at her. Dark eyelashes that blocked her blue eyes. She was the stars in the sky that he would gaze at in the night.

Bellamy didn't realize he fell asleep until he heard his sister's shouting. "Bellamy, get out here! Tatum!"

He opened his eyes into slits, a shade of black hair in his view. The corner of his mouth turned up.

"Bellamy! Tatum!" 

Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, he shifted on the bed and stirred her. "Tate, wake up." He whispered. When she didn't respond, he shook her again. "Hey, Star Girl."

"What?" Tatum grunted while her eyes were still closed.

Octavia wants us outside."

"Good for her."

Bellamy laughed. Tatum opened her eyes and rubbed them. "God,  do they have to ruin everything?" She grumbled again.

"Evidently, yes," he responded. He stood up from the bed and held his hand out. "Come on."

She groaned. She lazily placed her hand in his and he helped her up. When they stood face to face, she suddenly felt shy. "Um, thank you — f-for staying."

Bellamy smirked. "I'm only a tent away. Mine's even bigger."

She rolled her eyes. "Of course it is, King Blake."

She walked past him to exit the tent. He laughed. "King Blake," he repeated and followed her. "I like that. Call me that more often."

"You're insufferable."

When they walked out of the tent, they were met by multiple pairs of eyes. Most of them wide. Others confused. Tatum blinked and gave them a sarcastic stare. "What?" She smarted off.

They immediately looked away. All except for Octavia, Clarke, and Finn. Clarke was somewhat shocked, Finn was completely shocked, and Octavia just stood there, smirking. Tatum casted them a glare. "Don't say a word."

Bellamy ignored their stares. "What's going on?"

His sister pointed at the sky. "There!"

Tatum gazed at the night sky and searched for what she was talking about. A metal crate was falling through the sky, racing toward the ground. Then its parachute opened. "They're coming to help up." She heard Clarke say.

From the corner of her eye, Bellamy walked away, and she turned and looked at him. "Bell, where are you going?"

He paused, almost hesitant, and he turned back around. "I, uh, I've got to go do something real quick, okay? I'll be back." He spoke quickly.

She frowned the tiniest bit but nodded her head. "Okay."

He smiled quick and walked off again. Tatum's shoulders slumped down. She went back to her tent to try and get more sleep.

Once again, annoyingly, she was woken up by someone shaking her. "Tatum, wake up." A female voice whispered.

Tatum groaned. "Can I not ever get away from you people?"

"Yeah, she's not a morning person."

She opened her eyes and saw Finn and Clarke in her tent. "Tatum, where's Bellamy?" She asked her.

"He left a little while ago.  He said he had to go do something." She responded groggily while rubbing her eyes.

"He didn't say what it was?"

"No, but he left really quick."

"The gear's gone." Finn chimed in.

"He told all us to stay. Whatever's in that pod, he wants it."

It made Tatum sit up. "You think he's gonna steal it?"  She slowly questioned.

"We don't know but we need to find it before anyone else does." Said Clarke.

She nodded slightly. "Okay, let's go." She said but she was still confused. She followed the two out of her tent.  "What is it that he wants?"

"It's gotta be the radio. He spent every single minute since we landed making sure no one on the Ark finds out we're alive. Right now, that radio is our only source of communication with them."

Tatum frowned at the thought. Her stomach churned at thinking Bellamy was tricking all of them. That he wanted the Ark to think they were dead. She thought she was getting to know him. Maybe she didn't know Bellamy Blake as well as she thought. 

They split up on their search. The sun began rising and the greenery lit up. Tatum yawned and she felt like she hadn't slept in years. She searched for the missing pod while also looking for Bellamy and was desperate to find him first so she could ask him what the hell was going on. But she couldn't find him anywhere and it hurt her. It hurt her a lot.

After a while of searching, she found Clarke and Finn in an open field. "I can find shit — whoa." She exhaled when her eyes landed on the crashed pod in the middle of the field.

Finn held his arm out in front of them. He began to slowly walk toward the pod and it began to rattle, making all three of them jump. When he got close enough, the door swung open and a person wearing a space helmet climb out. Tatum felt cautious at first until they took the helmet off, and then her jaw dropped when she saw it was Raven. "Raven!" She and Finn shouted at the same time.

It was Tatum that made the first move. She ran toward the girl with a bright smile on her face and enveloped her into her arms. "Raven! Oh my god, I've missed you so much!"

"I missed you too, Tate." Raven laughed and squeezed her back. "You been giving 'em hell here?"

"Damn straight."

They pulled away and she was immediately met by Finn. The couple hugged one another tightly and Raven's eyes filled with tears. "I knew you couldn't be dead." She cried and cupped his face.

He motioned to her bleeding head. "You're bleeding."

"I don't care." She said with a smile. She pulled him in and kissed him.

Tatum smiled again. Clarke's face fell at the kiss. Finn was still in shock. "H-How did you get here?"

"You know that big scrap hold? The one on K deck? I kinda rebuilt it."

"You built that from scrap?"

Raven smirked. "Please, like that's hard. It just needed a couple parts and some love."

"You're insane."

"I'd do more for you and worse. Just like you would for me."

Finn sat her down and went to get something to clean her head. He stood in front of Clarke and his face immediately dropped to guilty. "I'm sorry."

Tatum pinched her brows together. She looked between them. Clarke's face was masked with so many different emotions that it was hard to pin point just one. But hurt stood out the most.

"We've been together since we were kids—"

"Whatever." Clarke simplified and gave him the cloth.

Tatum still looked between them. Anger bubbled in her stomach when she realized but she didn't say anything for the sake of Raven, his girlfriend.

"Raven, this is Clarke. She was on the drop ship, too." Finn introduced them.

"Clarke? Clarke Griffin?" Said Raven. "This all because of your mom."

"My mom?" Clarke questioned.

"This was all her plan. We were trying to come down together. If we waited. . ." She paused and her face fell.  "Oh my god, we couldn't wait because the council is voting whether to kill three hundred people to save air."

Tatum's eyes went wide. "What? When?"

"Today," Raven answered. She looked back at Clarke.  "We have to tell them you're alive."

"Do we have a radio?"

She nodded and looked inside the pod for the radio. When she realized the device wasn't there, she climbed back out of the pod. "The radio's gone. It must've gotten loose during re-entry. I should've strapped it to the A-strut. Stupid!" She cursed herself.

"No, no, this is my fault," said Clarke quickly.  "Someone got here before us."

"We have to find him." Tatum declared, her heart hurting.

"Tate, you hate the Ark." Finn butted in.

She looked at him. "I sure do. But I'm not going to let innocent people die. Especially not children."

Tatum searched for Bellamy again with a dizzy head. She was confused. He was pulling her every which way. One minute he's acting like a complete jerk to the point she wants to punch him, and then he's smiling at her in a way that made her weak, and he's holding her in her tent when she's crying — and then he goes back to his old selfish ways.

She had a feeling in the beginning that Bellamy was hiding something. The way he was so quick to take the lead and make everyone take order from him. It should've been clear to her what his plan was. Did he really care about them or was he just trying to save his own ass? Did he really care about her at all?

His dark curls appear in her like a view. She glared at the back of his head. "Hey, Bellamy!" She called out.

Bellamy looked over his shoulder. "Hey, Star Girl. You taking a walk through the woods?" He spoke nonchalantly.

She ignored him. "That's cute. Now where is it?" She demanded with the same harsh glare.

"Bot sure what you mean."

"Bellamy!" Shouted Finn. He and the girls ran to them. He shoved Bellamy backwards. "Where's the radio?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Bellamy replied while shoving him back.

"Bellamy Blake," said Raven, her face reading realization. "They're looking everywhere for you."

"Shut up." He snapped at her.

Tatum looked at her friend. "Looking for him? Why?" She questioned.

"He shot Chancellor Jaha."

There was silent. She looked at Bellamy again, her jaw settled with shock. He refused to meet her eyes. "What?"

"That's why you took the wrist bands?" Clarke concluded. "You needed everyone to think we're dead."

"All that whatever the hell we want bullshit? You just care about saving your own skin." Said Finn.

Bellamy clicked his jaw with anger. He walked away from them. "Hey, shooter! Where's my radio?" Raven shouted and stood in front of him.

"Get out of my way." He demanded.

"Where is it?"

"I should have killed you when I had the chance."

"Really? Well, I'm right here." She challenged him.

Bellamy grabbed her and pinned her to the nearest tree. Tatum instinctively gasped but Raven's reflexes were quick. She held her knife in front of his face. "Where's. My. Radio?"

"Okay, stop it!" Ordered Clarke.

"Bellamy, let her go." Demanded Tatum but her voice wavered.

Bellamy continued to glare at Raven. After a minute, he listened and let her go. "Jaha deserved to die. You all know that."

"Yeah, he's not my favourite person either. But he isn't dead."

His face fell. "What?"

Raven shrugged. "You're a lousy shot."

Tatum instantly turned to him. "Bellamy, don't you see what this means? You're not a murderer, okay? You're not. Everything you do is to protect Octavia and the others. That's who you are. You can do it again by protecting three hundred of your people," she tried to convince him. "Where's the radio?"

He finally looked her in the eyes, and his were filled with regret. "It's too late." 

She shook her head. "What do you mean?"

"The river. I threw it in the river."