Eternity


A soft knock on the door roused me from my sleep, my arms feeling light at the missing body. I could hear soft banging in the adjoining room, quiet giggles as my daughter entertained herself in my absence.

I checked the time on my device and realised that we had missed lunch and had a few minutes until dinner. Slowly climbing from the bed, I wiped my face and then made my way to the door.

Carson stood there, his broad shoulders filling up the door frame as he looked at me and then over my shoulder. His eyes darkening as a sadness entered his eyes.

"I'm going to sing a little song I made for you," the holographic image of Meilan reappearing unexpectedly.

I staggered back into the room. A cold shiver climbing through my body as my eyes became cloudy, sweat beading along my brow. 

I looked erratic but I couldn't bare to see this memory of us. I couldn't hear this song not on this day. Perhaps not ever.

My skin was clammy as I ripped at the bed sheets and stormed around the room looking for the comms device. Tears dripping down my face and body shaking as the sounds of my laughter filed the room. We had been so happy.

Wiping at the tears on my face I continued looking for it, hoping that I could switch the hologram off before it got to the part that I new would desecrate me. It was one memory that I could never relive.

"What song will you sing?"

The playback of me was not real, it couldn't be real because that laugh, that laugh was foreign to me. There was no sing song chirpy tone to my laughter. Not any more.

My laughter was a muted ring, a dull sound that rarely crescendoed into anything as beautiful as the joy inflicted in this version of me.

The hologram played back like an alternative universe. A woman and man in love with nothing but the future ahead of them.

It was a story of the ages, one you told your children about and I suppose that in time it would be just that. A tale of love but in moments like this and on a day like today, I couldn't think to the future because I was stuck.

Stuck in the past because I couldn't let him go, I didn't want to.

The hologram was still playing and was seconds away from reaching that moment that would send my life into a talespin and rip apart the small pieces of myself I had begun to fix.

I couldn't find it.

The room was spinning as the sound of the guitar picked up and his voice began to croon through. My heart thudding out of my chest and breath struggling through my lips because soon he would start promising me the world in his melodic voice and I would be forced to hear it all.

I couldn't hear it.

The world fell away from me, black climbing through the fringes of my mind as I rocked myself sane.

I couldn't hear the music anymore, not over the sobbing. Gut wrenching sounds, I could feel the despair. Words were chanting from my lips as I tried to ease the pain. Tried to take the grief from my heart but it clung to my soul like a parasite, draining my essence from me one painful memory at a time.

I could hear him calling my name.

I was there, sitting in the grass on a beautiful day with the wind blowing along my skin. His big brown eyes peering up at me with nothing but love as he strummed his instrument. He had sung for me, words crafted with the intent of showing me how much he cared.

A question in his voice. How could I not say yes? And a year later, on exactly that day we had been joined in the way of our parents, married. Our souls had been entwined.

"Vanya," my eyes snapped open. Watery grey staring at me with such pain and fear.

"It's off now, it's okay,"

His words only made me cry harder, my face distorting as roll after roll of tears slid down my cheeks because I was no longer with Meilan. I was here, existing in this world that no longer shone the same because one of its brightest souls had been extinguished.

The flame of his life put out by fates cruel hands.

Carson pulled me into his arms, soft musky scent wrapping around me, soothing me with his disctinct smell.

He hushed my cries like he had done for the past how four years, consoling the bitter grief that bubbled and churned inside me.

"I know Van, I know," I tried to respond to his words, tell him that I was fine, that I would keep loving but he hushed me again.

Carson let me cry my heart out, rubbing at my back as I rubbed at the stone nestled between a delicately crafted band that weighed on my finger and heart.

Carson held me until my sobs dried up, nothing but the soft clanging and slurring words of my daughter filling the emotionally charged atmosphere.

"Why don't you go get ready and I'll get Winter, I have a gift for you," he murmured as he let me go, climbing to his feet and heading to the adjoining door where I could hear Winter talking to herself.

"Did you speak to him?" I husked, whipping at my swollen eyes.

"Yes but today isn't the day,"

That was something I loved and appreciated about Carson, he understood what I needed without me having to say it. Knowing that I desperately needed to know what plagued Kaiser but to hear it on this day would only send me into a depression that I had been fighting off the day my husband had passed from this world.

I sniffled a watery smile as he pecked me on the forehead and headed into Winters bedroom to get her ready. Her wild squeaks at the sight of Carson making my grief that little bit lighter. For all of his faults in our younger years, Carson had become such an amazing man. He was sweet, understanding and loving. He treated my daughter like she was the most precious gem in the world, never treating her different because she wasn't his.

Even when Meilan had been in the picture Carson had humbly taken a step aside, allowing the man to form his own unique relation with Kaiser. He had even bonded with Meilan and in the last year of his life I had often found the two of them in a corner plotting things. Carson had been there for the moments that Meilan hadn't wanted me to witness and he had been there for me in my moments of weakness so I didn't end up burdening my husband with my morbid and negative feelings.

Carson had become an important part in my life and I couldn't imagine what it would be like without him.

Climbing to my feet I headed to my bathroom, softly closing the door on my daughter's soft laughing voice. Her hands clapping as Carson sung one of her favourite rhymes completely off tune.

I stood underneath the scalding hot shower, the water gliding down my skin in hope that it would take away from the throbbing ache of my heart. It didn't work but I felt so much better after having the longest shower. I flung on a long black dress, slipped on some sandals and made my way out of the bathroom. The room was quiet meaning that Carson had taken Winter to dinner while I was showering.

I headed to the main hall greeting the family and taking my seat opposite Jana. Kaiser was not at my right like he usually was, instead he was further up the table sitting next to Micah. He barely acknowledged my presence as I took my seat, his eyes staring down at the table as everyone greeted me. I could see Neema's brain working as her eyes hardened at my son, was he still mine? Or was his rejection of Winter a result of his rejection of me.

I tried not to dwell on it through dinner and my family made it easier for me to loose those thoughts. Their wild chatter and arguing making for an energetic atmosphere. Carson had Winter on his lap feeding her forkfuls of her food in between his own bites. The girl hated being fed unless of course it was Carson.

Once dinner was over Carson handed Winter over to an empty eyed Jana, her head bobbing as she took my daughter into her arms. I worried for Jana, the way the family had treated her and her husband often left a bitter taste in my mouth but I tried not to voice my opinions  So forcefully. Neema had heard my opinion many times and still remained true to her views, what more could I do but try and be there for Jana while she slowly withdrew from us.

Carson gripped my hand in his large palm as he took me down the winding corridors that was our home away from home until we reached the rose garden. We carried on walking, me blindly following until he took me to a tree that I hadn't seen in such a long time. The tree trunk was thicker than me, it's bark a rich colour as it towered above me.

My nerves crackled, stomach churning in fear at what he had planned.

"Before you start panicking about why we are here I just wanted to explain that I know how much trees have always meant to you,"

I had always found their quiet life so reassuring and soothing. Trees had provided me with so much natural comfort that I had even named my daughter after our tree. Winter-Willow, our little nature bug.

"Thank you," I whispered, tears welling at all these overwhelming emotions.

"I know today is a hard day for you. I know you struggle most days but that on this day it hurts that much more."

His thumb was rubbing at those trickling tears, willing away my souls pain as he stared into my eyes.

"I have something for you... It's a gift from both Meilan and me, he made me promise not to give it to before this day,"

My ears perked up the moment he had mentioned my husband, my curioustiy piqued even as the seed settled in.

He pulled out a small black box and my heart automatically screeched its rejection, my whole being revolting at the idea that he could be so callus as to do this on this day. That my husband would have encouraged him to do this on our day.

"Don't look at me like that Vanya, this isn't what you think. I mean it is jewellery but it's not a ring. I would never disrespect his memory like that and Meilan would have never encouraged me to propose on your day." He seemed hurt that I would think so low of him but he brushed it to a side as he flicked open the black box.

My breath halted in my chest as he revealed the most beautiful piece of jewellery I had ever seen.

"The moment he knew he was- he was dying he began to design and craft this piece for you. He wasn't able to finish it completely but he would sit by my side as I finished what he couldn't."

His hands shook as he took the gold necklace from it's place in the box and laying it to rest in my palm. My finger rubbed over every fine etching and bump that made up the most astounding piece of Meilans artwork I had seen. I felt so full knowing that my husband and my friend had come together to do this, knowing that I would need this.

"He wanted to create something that you could pass on to Winter when she finds the person she loves."

"And you?" I croaked, not understanding why he would go this far to create such a beauftiukf piece of art for me.

"At first I helped make this piece because Meilan was struggling and I knew this meant so much to him. But once I started it became about giving you something that could help you heal. I knew you would need this Vanya and I always want to give you what you need."

I stared down at the gold twisting necklace in my hand. A small tree carved in gold dangled from the gold chain, the fine leaves a dozen small crystals imbeded into the beautiful gold carvings. The crystals glowed their opulent light, pinks, blues, green and purples making up the tiny budding leaves of this beautifully carved tree.

"Each different coloured crystal is intended to help you grieve and to help you heal,"

I was flawed by the depths they had gone to for me, for Winter. I was moved beyond words.

"He also left this for you," he motioned, pulling out a clear white envelope with familiar slanted handwriting on it.

"I can leave you to read this if you want," he murmured, hesitantly stepping away from me.

I shook my head through my tears before motioning for him to slide my necklace on. Holding the pendant that hung just above the swell of my breast and kissed upon the tip of my heart- I opened the envelope.

It smelt of him. The sent of fresh grass drifting into my nose as his words greeted me.

Vanya, 

My love, my wife, the reason my being came into existence.

From the moment I saw you ten years ago, sitting by your tree and humming to yourself, I knew you were the one.

Your hair glistened in the sun as you listened to the vibrations of the earth and I just knew that the universe had brought me to you.

And now the universe is pulling us away from each other as the tides change but know this my little butterfly, that whether I am by your side or not, our souls are forever entwined.

Our daughter is a manifestation of our love and I cannot be prouder than I am of the beautiful soul we have created. A soul thats energy burns so strong and pure, just like her mothers. A soul I know you will continue to nurture with your compassionate ways and understanding heart.

My love, do not be afraid to move on from this. Do not hold onto the pain that my passing brings but remember the memories we shared. Learn to live again and do not fear love because you have so much to give. Very few men are worthy of such a pure soul, how I found myself among those few, I do not know but I will thank the gods for all of eternity for blessing me with you and our daughter.

My angel, my love, my saviour.

I find myself writing this letter as my body gets weaker. This vessel has given up on me but my heart, my soul will forever stay strong for you.

You have given my life new meaning. You have given me direction, purpose and you have filled me with such belonging. Know that I will take your calming touch with me to the grave and beyond to the tides where I will wait forever for you.

My soul, you balance me.

From your loving husband,

Meilan.

Ps. Carson is a man worthy of you, if you ever find yourself wondering.

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