"Yavan Kaiser Manasseh! Just what in the gods' names did you think you were doing leaving this compound when I expressly forbade you from leaving?"

We had barely stepped through the door and Carson was already reprimanding Kai. Somethings never changed.

"Dad I-"

"Where did you go?" Interjected Carson, uninterested in the stammering reply Kai was preparing.

I could feel the smile splitting across my face as he continued railing at him.

"If I find out you sneaked off of these premises to go visit your devil mother in whatever shack she is residing in, I will ground you for life. That's five hundred plus years of living under my thumb."

Carson's golden skin was a molten red as he pinched his thumb and forefinger together, not realising that the action alone was Comical. I so badly wanted to laugh but Kai needed my help and so I finally made my presence noticeable.

"I wouldn't exactly call his mother a devil" I chuckled, stepping further into the hall but Carson barely moved his eyes away from a profoundly sweating Kai.

"No she is so much wor-" his voice crackled off as his big grey eyes bulged out. "Vanya?" He stammered, mouth hanging open.

"Dada," called Winter, her arms outsterching for him. Carson's anger all but disappeared as he took her into his arms, smothering her face in kisses and causing her to squeal in joy.

"Hello, baby girl," he smiled. Bouncing her in his arms.

"What are you doing back here so soon. I thought you needed some time?" His eyes were full of joy but I could see was unsure if my stay here was permanent or if we were just passing by.

"I did need time but I suppose something's can't wait." Kai sent me a knowing look, his face pensive at how my news would be received.

There was only so much of my bump I could hide and clasping Kaiser in a tight hug had seen that all my concealing had gone to waste.

"Maybe, we should go somewhere?"

I nodded to outside and he reluctantly followed after handing Winter to Kai.

"Is everything okay?" His voice wavering as he stared anxiously at me.

"We are fine it's just that... Carson-"

I wasn't sure how to tell him. If I even should right now. I still needed time to come to terms with this but at the same time, refusing to tell Carson would only allow me to continue avoiding my reality.

I needed to stop it and just face the facts. I was pregnant and I didn't know how to feel about it.

"Vanya," he called, handing waving in my face to grab my attention.

"Sorry, my mind went elsewhere." I whispered dazedly. My mind still there and not quite in the present.

"Does this have something to do with what you wanted to speak to me about?"

His fingers rubbed through his wild curls and I felt an untameable need to replace his hand with my own. I wanted to be close to him, to be comfortable enough around him that such gestures wouldn't be weird between us.

"Vanya," he called again, exasperation clear in his voids.

"Here, take a seat." He sighed leading me to a bench and encouraging me to sit.

I smiled at him abashedly as I reclined on the stiff wood. Taking in the greens of nature. Breathing in the fresh scent of the damp grass, the earthy spice of the trees. The sounds of birds chirping and insects scurrying beneath the blades of grass. I took it all in, my eyelids sliding closed as I just inhaled. Aligning my body with nature until I felt at peace with my situation.

Was it ideal? No, but I was contented with knowledge that no matter what happened, I would have Carson to support me through every moment. That at no point he would abandon me, even when my emotions  became to heavy and morbid, I knew he would be there.

Feeling content in what could be my only option, I opened my eyes and steeled myself for his response.

His face was full of wonder as he languidly stared at me, his long lashes flickering as he reclined on the bench. His arms were spread over the back of the chair and his leg was crossed at the ankle. He was such an imposing sight. Full of brawn and strength but he was always gentle.

"I am always in awe when you do that. It's as if you are just melting into the earth and absorbing its energy."

I could tell he meant every word and his sincerity caused an almost foreign reaction in me. I blushed. I could feel the heat climbing to my cheeks as a smile spread my lips.

"I suppose I do absorb earths energy but not in the literal sense. The scents and sounds just soothe me."

He grinned at the reverence in my voice, the passion that nature always inspired inside me. Nature had always helped me in some way; either to soothe me or to help me see things that I chose to ignore.

Nature was forcing me to see that life was in a continuous movement and change. I would be stupid to try and stay still.

"I look at nature and it makes me realise that change is inevitable. The leaves on a tree grow orange and fall off, decomposing and leaving the tree bare. But with a new season the tree becomes green again and life flocks to it."

He hummed thoughtfully, looking out at the garden and trying to see what I saw. His eyes glided over the trees and bushes, lingering over the birds and then drifting back to me. His head tilted to the side as he focussed solely on me.

"Change is definitely inevitable. Sometimes we try to fight it but we should learn to accept and embrace it. Sometimes we fear change but what we should be doing is finding peace in the fact that nothing stays the same."

His leg shuffled on the bench so he could face me fully. The skin between his brows creasing as he entertained my random thoughts.

"Imagine how different life would be if we were stuck in all our worst days. Change brings new beginnings. Change is the end of one cycle and the beginning of another. Or one continuous loop of different stages that make up one cycle. Like nature."

He was so right. Change was not only inevitable but it was necessary. Nothing could stay the same especially as the universe was in continuous motion. So why did I cling to my past so strongly?

His words opened me up. Split me open and forced me to acknowledge that I had changed multiple times in my life and each change had allowed me to develop. To progress into a newer and more understanding version of myself.

I was currently going through a stage of transition. I just had to accept what it would bring and so I did.

My fingers clenched in my lap as I met his cool stare.

"I'm pregnant."

The wind cracked around us but Carson did not. His face was icily still, no movement or acknowledgment to my words.

"Carson did you hear me? I said I'm pregnant."

His headed nodded slowly, lips parted wide but he did not respond. There was a look of raw astonishment in his eyes before they flickered down to my loose top to see if he could see what I carried beneath.

I gently cupped my stomach above my top, showing him the outline of what was clearly the beginning of my bump.

"Oh gods. You are pregnant." He gasped. Hands clutching his chest as he staggered to his feet. The shock was clear. Shock and pure love.

"My baby," he murmured, falling to my feet. His hand shook as he slowly reached out to my shrouded bump. Cupping my swollen belly in his hands as tears lined his eyes.

"My baby."

He repeated the phrase as if it was prayer. A prayer that had been answered by the gods. The way he gently cradled my bump suggested that he had prayed for this moment for years. It was a dream that he had never anticipated would ever manifest and yet it had.

"I can't believe...Vanya-" his words choked off as big globs of tears slid down his cheeks. His head resting into my lap as he kneeled in the dirt.

My fingers shook as I slowly brought them to his hair and raked my nails through the silky locks. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen Carson cry. Maybe it was the day my husband had passed away or perhaps his funeral. Exact times and dates alluded me but what I did know was that it had been years since this man has cried and even then it had been in grief.

I realised that I had only ever seen Carson cry once in joy and that was the moment Kai's cure had been found and even then it was more in relief than this soul shaking sobbing.

His cries moved me. The joy emanating from his being had my being quaking at its foundations. My sight was blurry as I watched this man crumble before me in what could only be described as one of the rawest displays of happiness.

We stayed that way for some time. Me stroking his hair and him crying his Thanks into my lap.

"Carson?" I questioned when some time had passed and the air became frosty.

Slowly his head rose, swollen lips and soaked lids gleaming at me.

"Thank you Vanya," he laughed.

Kneeling at my feet, the timbre of his laughter rattled through his chest and burst through his lips. Echoing into the garden and carrying on the wind.

"Thank you." He repeated.

Climbing to his feet and clasping my hand in his, he brought it to his lips as he stared at me with those piercing grey orbs. His damp lips glided against the back of my hand as his pale blonde lashes flickered up at me.

I couldn't help but smile back at him, his happiness was contagious. Infecting any ounce of anger or resentment I may have held about our circumstance. I still couldn't say that I was one hundred percent content with situation but his eyes helped to put my emotions into perspective. A child was a blessing and Carson was a phenomenal father. What more could a woman want?

My heart screamed for Meilan but I hushed the call for him down. This was not the moment. I would have thousands of days during and after this pregnancy to come to terms with my emotions. Now was not the time.

A short scream escaped my lips as he sporadically lifted me from the bench and into his arms, swinging me about before carrying me back inside. At the sight of his brothers, his lips spread wider than I thought humanly possible.

"Khan, Ryan. I'm having a baby."

————

When we were finally released from the wild celebratory clasps of our family, Carson lead me out of the room. Chuckling to himself as the boisterous cheering of our family followed us all the way down the corridor and into his private wing.

I could no longer deny that I was happy about this baby and everyone's reactions had me feeling even more joyous about it. However, there were things between me and Carson that needed to be addressed.

As I sat in his lounging room, my fingers smoothing out the crinkles in my loose trousers, I tried to prepare my speech. I wasn't sure what I was going to say but I had already made a list of sorts that needed to be addressed in my mind.

"Relax, Vanya this isn't a death sentencing." He chuckled and I tried to smile back but it came out as more of a grimace, relaying my emotions clearly

"Sorry I'm just-"

"Nervous?" he interjected. "You are clearly nervous and I'm not sure why" he stated factually.

"Maybe because you feel that I expect something out of you now that we are having a baby together."

Though his sentence was posed more as a statement than a question, I still felt obligated to answer him with nothing but my honesty.

"Yes. I fear that you may think this baby means that we are... an item?"

Mates, lovers, partners. I wasn't sure what the correct terminology would be but I did know that I wanted none of that. Not with him or any male. Not now and maybe not ever.

As he sat beside me I naturally sunk into him, until I was practically leaning against him. My bodies natural reaction to his proximity had me disgruntled and so I blurted the first thoughts that came to my mind in order to distract myself from what body was so clearly demanding.

"I will always be your mate Carson, but I am not ready to fill that position. Not in the capacity of a true mate."

I had no clear idea of what the parameters of a true mating was. Was it like a marriage between humans or something less? Was it more? I didn't know and the uncertainty of what was required of a mate, only added to the uncertainty of this whole situation.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not over my husband. I know it's been over a year but I still can't. I feel like this should have been him I'm sharing this moment with and that's not to say I'm not happy about this baby it's just... How can I reconcile my present with what I always imagined it to be?"

"I understand," and from the look in his eyes I could see that he believed he did, but Carson really grasp this situation?

"We made plans, we had dreams. Everything that I have ever hoped for my future, was all tied up with Meilan."

His name escaped on a sob, all composure I had disintegrating with the future that should have been ours.

"And now that he has passed away it feels as if you are stealing something from. As if by doing things that you two planned together without him, will desecrate his memory." Words whisper soft.

My head bobbed in agreement even as tears clouded my vision and my body shook with grief.

"Yes." I cried.

"I can't separate my future from those dreams that I had with Meilan and trying to do so, feels as if I am disrespecting his memory." My words were muffled by cries and sniffling but Carson seemed to understand me.

"Vanya," he sighed. "Come here love."

I didn't want to be in his arms when I felt this emotionally vulnerable but I needed his strength and so I shuffled along the sofa and curled into his arms.

He squeezed me tightly, just holding me as I broke apart in his arms. He didn't offer me meaningless words meant to comfort me, he just held me until my body stopped shaking and my tears receded. When they did, he pulled my face from its hiding place in the crook of his shoulder and forced me to look at him. Truly look at him.

"I loved Meilan like a brother, I still do. I would never do anything to disrespect his memory because I cared for him and respected him too much. He was a man deserving of your love. He showed me so much about what it takes to be a true man and that's what I am going to be with you." He mumbled along my ear, rubbing my back in soothing strokes.

"I don't expect you to be with me, Vanya, I never have. I just expect you to want to keep living."

His grey eyes captivated me, sucked me in like a whirlpool as his deep voice crooned through my mind and soothed my morbid energy.

"You have a beautiful family. A daughter and son who need you to not just exist. They need you to live, so just - just - breathe." He huffed in a puff of air and exhaled it on his next words. "And let it go."

I followed suit, my anxiety over the situation ebbing out with every lungful of fresh air.

"There is so much more to life than this place you have found yourself in Vanya. It just takes time to see that."

He was right.

It took time and the desire to see that there was more than this dark dwelling my soul had sunk to, to truly become happy. I had to want to be happy before I could ever feel it and with Carson as my support, I could see this too passing because that was life.

It changed.

There were pitfalls and tragedies, highs and lows but in the end it kept moving on and I had to decide whether I wanted to stand still and watch the rest of my life pass me by.

In that moment I realise that didn't want my life to pass me by and so I wouldn't let it.

I would change with tides and let the churning waves carry me out to sea. Whatever may be.

—————————————————————————

So this is the end of Vanya's transitional story. She will of course feature in the final book of the series but I thought she deserved a little something something of her own.

There will likely be another chapter written in Carson's POV but I can't say when as I am participating in NaNoWriMo whilst trying to finish Lolita Sway.

Hope you guys enjoyed it and thanks for staying with me.

P.S it's gone 12 am here so please don't mind the 101 flaws that this chapter will have. 🤦🏽‍♀️