Ashen faced, I clung to the orange plastic bucket as if it were a life raft. My stomach felt like the bag in a set of bag-pipes being vigorously squeezed. With a heaving lurch of my stomach another small mouthful of bile dribbled from my quivering lips into the waiting pool of rancid vomit.

Sickness so often comes in waves rather than simply one thing at a time, yet in those long stretches of health I never think how healthy things happen in bunches too, building me higher and stronger. I guess it's all about making the most of the good stuff and letting the bad stuff pass by as if it were elevator music. So, this pain, this vomit, these muscle aches and head pain that comes as a slowly building bruise... it's all part of living, of reminding me to value health and care for those who ail.

I was so tired that I closed my eyes and simply leaned on the head rest. There were thousands of things running in my mind, but I've decided. Finally, I've took the decision to tell Zain, about my sickness. I'll explain to him as to why I hid it from him.

I'll let him choose my fate although my fate was already written by the best planner.

I was suppose to meet Dr.Khan today and also collect my reports from her but I didn't went because I want to go with Zain. I know him well enough, that, just to see me perfectly alright he'll do anything for me.

But this isn't a small thing. I only pray that he understands my point. But anyways, there won't be a solution to this problem because he can't love me and I'm not ready without his love.

Giving a break to all my positive and negative thoughts, I tried to take a nap. Just as I was about to go into a deep slumber, I heard a loud whaling sound piercing through the walls. It was hard to believe it came from such a tiny creature, I wanted to go back to sleep and ignore it but it was impossible.

It sounded like the screeching of an angry cat, only growing harsher and louder as I walked to stop the wailing.
I looked down at his balled up red face, eyes frantically searching the room for my familiar face, and when his eyes landed on me the crying diminished and he giggled, as if waking me up was a joke. I sighed.

"What happened, Adeel?" I asked crouching down to his level.

"Misshhwwiing eeww" I laughed at his sentence. He's twenty months old now and learning to speak.

"Mumma was up in her room na, you know na that I wasn't well?" I said brushing his bangs away, which were falling down to his eyes. Yes, he has bangs, courtsey, Zain!!

And Yes, he calls me Mumma. No one taught him, but he started saying on it's own.

"Dadda?" He asked pouting.

"Must be on his way." I said kissing his cheek. He turned and went away to play.

"Assalamualaikum" Zain's voice boomed across the large living room. He looked so stressed. His tie was hanging low, his hair was stucking out from all different places, his eyes were bloodshot red as if, as if he has cried?

"Walekumasalam" I smiled taking his bag from him, he only nodded.

"Dadda" Adeel came running towards him and he picked him up in his arm.

"How are you my son?" He asked kissing his cheeks.

"Goosh and eeewww?" He asked.

"Hahaha...good. You didn't trouble your Mumma?" He asked. And oh so innocently! Adeel nodded his head. Liar!! I mentally said.

"You should freshen up" I said. He nodded and went to his room. I sighed.

Mission telling him the truth cancelled.

His mood is already upset regarding something, now, how can I worry him more?

I'll talk to him tomorrow in the morning.

I had already set the dining table, when he came downstairs. He quietly sat down. I served him and sat down.

"How was your day?" I asked smiling.

"Good." He said taking a bite.

"Mom called me today, was asking that how are we? She was asking us to visit them during weekends." I said.

"What did you said?" He asked

"I said, I'll let her know after discussing it with you."

"I'll think about it." He said getting up.

"At least finish your food, Zain"

"I'm full." With that he left.

After completing my work and putting Adeel to bed, I finally took a deep breath. I opened my bun and ran my fingers through my hair. I was wearing a black night gown. I took a little lip balm on my finger and applied it to my chapped lips.

"Hanya".

I yelped.

"God!! You scared me" I said putting my hand on my chest.

My hands were frailty and caution, shaking gently as I kept back the lip balm.

In her movements were so much of the woman she was and still is. They were ashen where the sunlight caught them, not ghostly like a white person, just subdued and greyish. I think that's the first time Zain realized how vulnerable she was and how much of a toll the sickness had taken.

"C'mon get out of your dream, Zain" I snapped my fingers again and again.

"You were saying something?" He asked.

"Where were you lost?" I asked.

"Nothing" he said rubbing the back of his head.

"What is bothering you Zain? Why are you so stressed?"

"Nothing, it's been days since we have talked" he said sitting on my bed.

I tied the robe of my night gown as I sat beside him.

"What do you wanna talk about?" I asked smiling.

"How are you?" He asked with a straight face.

"I am fine..." I said laughing.

"What about your health, Hani? Has the bleeding stopped or it is still the same?"

I choked on my own spit.

What's wrong with him?

"You didn't answered me?"

"I-I am fine" I said hesitatingly.

"What about your Uterine Myomas? Has it increased?" He asked.

My eyes grew wide. Ya Allah, how did he knew?

"Answer me, Hani?" He asked looking straight into my eyes.

"Za-Zain, What are you talking about?" I asked not looking at him.

"Uterine myomas is also called leiomyomas which is basically a formation of fibroids in the endometrial walls of uterus. Due to these fibroids formation you're have a terrible pain during your menses and heavy flow.

These are benign tumors which are non-cancerous and dont spread from one part to another but eventually the whole of uterus passage will be blocked if it isnt treated. The only solution to stop them is you need to get pregnant soon. But not all fibroids needs a women to get pregnant but your case is a different where you need to conceive as soon as possible.

And your pregnancy hormones will eventually heal the fibroids and with the side treatment too. But, if you doesnt concieve soon there is 99% chances that you wont concieve again. I hope you understood now?" He asked.

I was shocked!! How the hell he know about all this? Who told him?

"You said you love me, Right? Then how come you hide it from me? Tell me Hani" he yelled.

Ya Allah...

He looked really pissed off!!

"You were suppose to collect your reports today and also to meet Dr.Khan? Why didn't you went?" He took a step towards me and I took a step back.

"Zaa-Zain..." I was scared.

"Why Hani? Why? Answer me damn it!!" He shouted making me jump a little. He grabbed my arms and pinned me to the wall.

"What did you wanted me to say? Huh? Zain, I'm not dying...and I have Adeel." I replied him back.

"So you're saying you don't give a damn even if the chances of you getting pregnant comes down to zero percent? Am I a fool that I'm gonna believe your lame excuse?" He shouted again. "It's something else right? Tell me what are you hiding from me?"

"What, Zain? What? What have you expected from me? That I should have come up to you and said Oh Zain! Lets make love or let's have Sex, why? Because doctor told me to get pregnant ASAP. This ain't a No Strings Attach relationship, Zain." I yelled back, pushing him away.

"Hanya..." He again caught me by my arm but this time I jerked him away.

"Of course, Zain, I also want to be pregnant, experience that stage too. To give birth to a new life, to hold my new life in my arms but I didn't wanted anything to happen between us just because the situation demands this. And I knew from day one that whenever you'll come to know about this, you won't think for a moment also and you'll be ready. But Zain, think from my side, too.

I also wanted to marry a guy whose gonna love me, pamper me, shower me with immense love, will have my own little happy family and Allahamdulilah, I have everything now. But where's the love, hubby? It's been one sided. How can I even think of a baby?

This isn't a duty or your responsibility that you'll do just for the sake of doing it." I turned around looking at him.

"So you decided to keep on hurting yourself? For once also you never thought to discuss it with me? You didn't even wanted to listen once also that what I had to say in this? Each and everything you decided by your ownself? You know what just forget it..." He started walking away.

I quickly caught his hand.

"Zain, please"

"Hani, you didn't even thought once also that how would I feel when I'll come to know about all this? Thanks to Dr.Khan that she called me and told me everything, your cell was unreachable." He replied

"I would have told you today, Zain. But before I could say it, you got to know. I know you're hurt, but trust me Zain, my intention was not to hurt you." I replied back.

"Hareem didn't die because of me fighting with her. When she was pregnant with Adeel, at that time only the doctor has told us that this isn't going to be a normal pregnancy, there are complications, Hareem won't be able to take it, she might die.

Hareem was really weak from inside and to carry a child for nine months was a huge risk for her. The doctor had literally warned her to not carry on with the pregnancy but Hareem being Hareen didn't listen to anyone and she decided to have Adeel.

Hareem was also stubborn just like you. She decided to give birth to Adeel. I tried to convince her alot but she made me swear on our love that I won't say anything to anyone about this. As the due date was coming nearer, her health started getting affected badly.

After Adeel's birth, her internal bleeding kept on increasing...every month she use to bleed which kind of increased to days. The doctor then said that it was turning into a tumor but she said that it's not necessary that the operation will be sucessful. No one knew about all these things except both of us. Hareem made me swear on our relationship that I'm not gonna utter a single word to anyone also.

The day she was operated, it was really difficult for me to take care of Adeel and be with Hareem at the same time.

As the doctor had expected, the operation didn't go that well and not only that their was even a risk that infection might even spread. It took her month to heal properly and when we thought that everything's gonna be alright, the accident happened.

I still remember her lying on the bed, she made me promise that I'll have to marry again.

And you know whose name she took? She took your name Hani. She wanted us to get married but I wasn't ready to marry again, heck, even if it's you. It was her last wish and then she left. Fate played it's part and we got married, and now it's all the more same situation in front of me." Tears felled down from his eyes, as he felled down on his knees.

My breath hitched, I felt suffocated.

"Zain, I'm so sorry." I sat down. In an instant he hugged me tightly.

"I've already lost my first love, now I don't want to lose you, Hani" he said burying his face on my shoulder.

My heartbeat was racing, what is he saying.

"Zain..." I whispered

"I love you. That means I would defend you with my life even if the odds were insurmountable. It means I will comfort you in the difficult and painful times. It means I will dance and rejoice with you when times are good. It means I will never betray you, never give up on you. It means finding my fire when you, my loved one, is threatened, yet never waging war - only doing what is necessary for a noble defence." He said.

The world stopped spinning. My mind wasn't working at all.

"Saying "I love you" can be scary. So many emotional factors go into saying it," He tells me.

"It requires vulnerability and also courage, because you have to take the risk to say it when there is a possibility the other person may not respond in kind." I replied him, remembering the time when I expressed my feelings for him.

"I believe it's worth the risk, because falling in love - and expressing it to that person you fell for - is one of the most amazing things a person can experience." He said.

One thing, I was completely red, he said the words once again and I was like I will faint. Nature is strange, sometimes even the nature celebrates with you, a non seasonal rain poured.

"Zain, please, No. I don't want your pity, Zain. I know you're saying all of this just because of me, just to keep me safe." I sobbed.

"Love, I'm not perfect, but I'd follow you into hell if that's what it took to keep you safe. I am your protector as you are mine, one to shield the other. After keeping our child safe, as all adults must, not a single soul comes before you. So I'll stay with you as you stay with me, trust in you as you trust in me, and together we'll ride through every storm, waiting to see what the new dawn may bring." He cupped my face and I sobbed even more.

"Zain, why are you playing with my feelings. You don't have to be so nice." I got up.

"Love, is not a spoken language at all. Love is in kind deeds, thoughtful actions, truthfulness, trustworthiness and self-sacrifice. Within that definition of love lies true passion, not at all the same thing as lust - a transitory satisfaction for the 'hungry ghost' soul. Know this, sweet child, and you'll have more love than your heart can hold even in the 'slim' years." He said making my breath hitch.

My eyes automatically closed as I tried to calm down my brain.

"And what about that time when You said that my love wasn't like a new song, but like opening a book and finding a language you'd never seen before or red before? When you didn't reciprocated my feelings? When I waited for you day and night?" I half shouted at him.

"I want you know that I feel the same way, Hani. Your love is something beautiful; meeting you is like meeting an enigma. I don't know how you exist in this world yet you do. So let me tell you now - I will always love you in mind, body and soul. You are the trap I've been wanting to fall into my whole life; liberty from you would simply be an infinite prison. I am the softness you seek and you are the cradle for my head and heart." He replied so easily.

How can he be so good in words?
But does he really mean all of this?
Why does my heart is denying to trust him?