I was walking along the road. Trying to admire the beauty of the universe. It's been a while since I walked past after I graduated yet the feeling is the same thing. Everything was totally the same. I walked upon the journey of heaven. Seeing the beauty of how clouds form into my eyes.

      The color of it was really incredibly hard on my heart. A design that looks like I'm a huge fan of it. But yeah, I am a huge fan of the universe. A fan of mysticism that sometimes lets me live in another world. Letting me feel that no matter what happens there's someone who's willing to love, care and understand the deepest mind and soul I am. 

      I was lost, I was terrified that someday everything will be fall into pieces. That everyone leaves me behind closed doors. I lost myself loving dearly. I lost my identity when I loved someone deeply and I really lost when I gave my all yet everything was a joke for someone I cared about. The pain is electrifying that kills me twice, thrice and even a million times yet the feeling is unbearable.

      Seeing someone you loved loving the other side. Hearing someone says our love is cold now and yet I don't have any idea that he felt like that upon loving me. You know what's painful is, it's better that he tells me that he doesn't love me anymore instead of hearing things blurted out by someone else. It's better that he kills me once in a blue moon than killing me caught off guard without anything to say on how things are shaking in front of me that I don't even know that our love story was moving into a dead end.

      I knew that I have my mistake, i do and I acknowledge that as my responsibility. Im young and not even perfect those days yet why, why I need to feel this unbearable pain. Why, everything, everyone hitting me at my back. Why do they need to bark in the back of me if they can smash me in front. I lost, I really lost. I lost myself and no one asked me isn't i'm alright. I am fine. Isn't everything will be alright, or just saying everything will be fine. And yet, no one, no one really cares like I used to care too.

      I let my guard down without any bullet in my hand. I let my body walked without any bullet proof to be safe and I never had any clothes to protect my eyes from the deepest scar and tears that flowing my whole body. I lost in love, I lost myself, my mind, heart and my soul. I cared too much, I loved too much, I gave my all too much and no one asked me if it's okay to give all that much. No one but myself who says, “That's fine, it's gonna be alright. You have loved and you always be fine though they give that back or not. You're so kind.”

      This is bullseye, this is damsel in distress. This is pioneer of deepest agony that makes a huge garage of pain in my lifetime journey. And you know what worse is, I fall deeply again yet it's complicated and I am the only one loving it. I cared and stayed positive so much that it's alright. It will be over soon and yet, why is it even months now and still the feeling has ruined my whole system. I lost in pain of trying to find love. I lost myself trying to give a try again. I lost hope that someone, someday will pass by in front of me telling, “You're an amazing person that I never imagined. You're weird yet I love everything about you as always.”

      Funny right, and yet I am. I'm wreck and fucking damn in hell. I don't even know why everyone is hurting me the same way that someone is hitting me. My own family, my old classmates, friends and also those men I loved that became part of my whole life and my own presence. I give my all, I give everything and anything I can to reciprocate their kindness and love and yet no one understands that logic upon it. I lost proving myself that I did this, I do this, I handle this, and all of this is coming from me. All of this is I give.

      It's funny and painful to bear. I lost my sight hoping that one day I will find my destiny, my divine counterpart, my whole world. I'm hopeless romantic and I love deeply and weirdly. And am proud to say that I know how, what and I can bring to the table. I knew how to take fire in the fireplace and I could die giving my all for someone I loved. And sad to say, no one ever knows what the feeling is at that moment because I keep it to myself.

      I need to keep it to myself for the special one. It's my preparation for the one and only one. I let them see how weak I am and I never let my dominance be on the surface because if I do, I will lose and I'm gonna die if I can't handle how my feelings ruined me 360 degrees. It's better to be in the place of a cemetery crying silently than letting my whole world be ruined by someone who doesn't even deserve the whole I am to be, either my weakest side, strength and my weirdos thing that I never let anyone see through me.

      I will let my weirdness come up in the right one and hope this time, I will find the one in perfect rhyme in my own stability and my own quality. I will trust again and again and i never let my eyes lost again in deepest love that ruined my whole system that letting me insult my own strength and capacities. Its enough that they get what they want and its enough that i lost my sight hoping that everything will be alright.

      It's enough that I let my body ruin on my own. I lost myself in their sight and I will never let my last loss in my eyes again because I will make sure, the last would be the same sight who never leaves me. I will give my best and if he lets me leave him, I will never go back again. —B