6525A PLACE OF STATE OF MIND

I do traumatized. The trauma who taught me to become me and lived in the present of humanity. I was focused on creating myself while finding clues where I am. I was lost in the dark without knowing where I was going. I was wondering why I needed to suffer like this in order to survive every day given by God's almighty.

I was living and breathing a cold air. I can't breath and everything in front of me was like a dream. A dream that I believe that day that it's a lie. It's look like paranomia. Everything old, crowded, undefined, living in dream state of wondering how to wake up and believe that I'm still alive. I was lost in dark and my souls wondering what is my purpose of living this state of mind. Hindi ko naiintindihan ang mga bagay noon. Parang panaginip lang. Nakakapagod, nakakawalang-gana mabuhay. Nakakaubos ng lakas. Nasa victim mentality ako na kung saan parang lahat ng bagay mali at walang mabuting tao. I blamed every people inside-outside of my life.

I was running out of time in love. I was broken and wreck into pieces not knowing why do I need to have this way. I was lost and keep pushing and ruin myself. Emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Parang nananaginip lang ako. Nasa black and white ang paligid.  Magulo ang isip. Wala akong ginawa kundi kumain, manood ng kahit ano, makipag-chat kahit kanino, sirain ang pagkatao ko. Magalit sa mga taong nasa paligid ko. Sisihin sila, sirain sila. Wasakin sila at husgahan ang mga bagay na ginagawa nila dahil pakiramdam ko Tama Ako at mali sila.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Everyday na nagigising ako parang panaginip lang. Musika at pagkalap ng impormasyon ang ginagawa ko. I was out of nowhere where I do want to find myself and clear the dim light in front of me. I was crying everyday at blaming myself and having a victim mentality that I was broken and not deserve it but deserve it. Magulo ’di ba? Yes, it is. I experienced the above mentioned. Hindi ko alam kung saan ba ako nabubuhay. Kung bakit buhay pa ako sa kabila ng pagka-paralyzed ko that day. Kahit sa pagkain hindi ko malasahan ang kinakain ko. Madalas pa nga kinikurot ko ang sarili ko para lang maramdaman na buhay na buhay pa ako. I was in direction of ruining myself piece by piece. I was hopeless and not ease at all.

I was in direction of not knowing where do I up to. I'm clueless and hopeless why I do what I do. Do I deserve it? I don't know. Dumating pa nga ako sa point na gusto ko ng tapusin ang buhay ko. Na gusto ko ng magpahinga at matulog na hindi na magising pa. Nakukuha ko gusto ko, nabibili ko mga kailangan ko. Lahat mayroon ako...pero ako basag ang puso ko. Wasak ang mundo ko. At Wala ako sa sarili kong mundo kundi parang nasa mundo ng mga hindi ko matanto. Magulo at nakakapagod ang lahat pero kailanman alam kong hindi dapat ako mapagod at manghinayang dahil hindi pa nagtatapos sa salitang kamatayan ang dahilan kung bakit pa ako nabubuhay at patuloy na buhay hanggang ngayon.

I was totally helpless and broken. I was in place of darkness and uneven known direction of life. Patuloy akong naghahanap ng masasandalan at mahahanap na panahon para makahinga. Hindi ko alam kung bakit at patuloy pa akong nabubuhay. Hindi ko alam. Kung ano man at naranasan ko ang mga bagay? Hindi ko rin alam pero isa lang ang gusto kong malaman, “What is my purpose of having this darkness of life? Why do I need to suffered like this in order to understand how deep the universe is? And why do I need to suffer and experience this shit in order to achieve what life means?”

Kung tatanungin mo kung paano ko nakaya? Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko rin alam. Hindi ko talaga nalalaman. Magulo ang mga bagay at hindi ko rin talaga alam kung paano na ang mahirap ay madali at natapos ko rin malagpasan. Sa dami ng aking pinagdaanan hindi ko alam kung bakit nagawa ko at nakaya ko ang mga bagay. Maraming bagay ang nagsasabi sa akin na Tama na. Pagod ka na. Suko ka na pero marami rin nagsasabing kaunti pa. Kaya pa. Bakit ngayon ka pa susuko sa dami ng pinagdaanan at nilalakaran mong hirap at pagtitiyaga? Bakit?

Kaya kung may nagtatanong sa akin kung kaya pa? Kakayanin pa. Bakit? Dahil kung nakaya ko noon bakit hindi sa ngayon? Kung anong hirap ko man na naranasan noon bakit pa ako susuko ngayon? Nadapa at napagod ako oo, pero hindi sa pagkapagod titigil ang buhay ko. Hindi sa hirap matatapos ang mundo ko dahil wala naman madali sa mundo. Hindi sa pag-iiyak titigil ang buhay ko dahil wala man ako at nawawala man ako ng mga panahon na 'yon ang importante buhay pa ako at patuloy lumalaban sa hamon ng mundo. Kung paano ko na kaya ang lahat? Hindi ko rin alam at wala akong nalalaman.

If being hurt makes me wonder how to live then be it. If having regret makes me painful then let it flow because one day that scars will taught me to live and to grow. If being insane makes me find myself then I'm willing to repeat the cycle in order to achieve what purpose my life is. If being unconventional being taught me to find my true self I will do everything to appreciate the beauty of that cried and pain in order to survive through it. If being me turn me to a monster then I will let it free and find my own version of me. In this state of mind I am willing to lose a game of thrones in order to find a place of a crown.

If they don't want to understand where I belong I do find my place to breath and heal from it. If help out of nowhere then I do find a place of hoping by finding myself along the way. And if the journey is tough and rough then I let it free until I belong to the place of being out of my state of mind. If they push me to core, then I will go down here in order to stand and be myself again and all over again. If they don't want me to stay where I am then I will do my best to be out of that place in order to find my place. If being me...find me then I will find my place to own my best version of me. Hindi madali pero mas mahirap kung patuloy kang aasa sa salitang madali na wala naman madali. If life ruined me then let it free and become best version me.

# GCmxgchef

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