Seeing how things turn to today was really sadden. Habang tinitingnan ko ang init ng sinag ng araw sa harapan ng bubungan. Memories way back that day makes me sick and find regrets really eaten me alive.
Habang kumikislap ang araw sa aking paningin, nakikita ko rin kung gaano kalungkot at kasakit ang mga alaalang iyon.

3:36 pm in the afternoon. Time frame kung saan nagigising ako at pagkatapos lalabas ng tulugan o bahay para maghanap ng baso, dahil magkakape ako. Pagkalabas ng bahay makikita ko kung paano nagtatakbuhan, nagku-kwentuhan, nagmumuni-muni ang mga tao dito sa labasan. I see clearly how the people's life come and go. May papasok ng trabaho, may pauwi. May nagsisigarilyo, umu-order ng gas. May bumibili ng kung ano-ano: meryenda, siomai, halo-halo, grocery at kung ano pa.

The essence of life really matter. Nakikita ko kung gaano karami ang tinda ni mama. Kung paano pabalik-parito ang mga bumibili. Habang ako, ito nakatingin at binabantayan ang bawat galaw ng mga tao sa paligid ko. I see clearly how yesterday gone in my eyes and how my life turn to something beautiful today because of my mother's sacrifice and hardship in life. Mahirap kumita ng pera. Mahirap mag-ipon ng barya at mahirap pumaroon-parito para humanap ng mapagkukunan ng kaunti at mga taong magbibigay ng kaunting tulong para ka makahinga. Mahirap pero my mother knows well and I knew well. How strong she is.  Her sacrifice to breathe and to fight for life with us in her own mind. To help us; her siblings and my own aged father. I knew well how life turn too. And how hard the life of my mother in order to help us grow and find what makes us happy.

Yeah, I know, it's my mistake. Kasalanan ko, kasalanan namin lahat. Ako ang may kasalanan ng lahat. Kaming magkakapatid ang may kasalanan. Kami iyong nagbigay ng dahilan para mawasak ang pamilya namin. I know walang katiting na pagtanggap ang magpapagaan ng nararamdaman ko. I was totally broken inside and out. I was hopeless and it should be me to blamed of everything. Kung puwede ko lang ibalik ang nakaraan. Gagawin ko. Uulitin ko. Uulitin ko iyong mga panahon na I need the mother who loved us the most. Who will sacrifice everything for us para lang maibigay ang mga gusto at pangarap namin. Wala akong gustong gawin kundi patawarin ang sarili ko sa nakaraan. Magsimula muli at magising sa katotohanan na wala na ang nakaraan. Nasa present days na 'ko. Nasa kabilang  yugto ng buhay ko. Kung saan araw-araw akong nagigising na naaalala na wala na ang nakaraan, na hindi ko na maibabalik pa iyon.

Bakit ko naaalala ngayon? Dahil tuwing nagigising ako ng katanghalian tapat. Naaalala ko kung paano ako naging masamang anak. Kung paano ko winasak ang lahat sa pamilya ko. Kung paano na nagagalit ako sa sarili ko at wala ko magawa at hindi ko pa kayang tanggapin sa sarili ko na dapat ko ng i- let go ang nakaraan at patawarin ang sarili ko. Na dapat kung tanggapin na hindi lahat ako ang may kasalanan. Na hindi ako dapat ang mag-sacrifice para sa kasalanan ng buo namin pamilya. It should be them and us to blamed for what mother do. Kasalanan namin lahat. Including my dad. He made our mother like this because of not fighting for living and not minding how family turn to.

Kung husgahan man ako ng asawa ko ngayon dahil sa mga pagkakamali ng pamilya at iyong kasabihan nila na mother's like daughter and father and sons. I know sa kabilang banda maaring totoo iyon pero kung sakaling nakita mo na ang epekto ng wasak at basag na pamilya. Bakit ko pa uulitin. Bakit pa natin uulitin? We aren't like 1 to 7 years old enough to misunderstand things that is not right. Bago pa nangyari ang lahat we are old enough to understand how's right and wrong may turn. We have our own judgement in life already. We knows if it is right or wrong. Don't make assumptions that is not you. Don't try to understand the things that it's not for you to understand today because I know in a right time. Everything unfold perfectly and exceptionally.

You care at your best. Like wants and needed. You want what is best for you. Kaya nga minsan ayaw ko na magbigay ng mga nasa isip ko. Dahil alam ko hindi rin nila maiintindihan kung bakit ko naiisip ang mga bagay na naiisip ko. Wala sila sa point na gusto kong mag-isip base sa mga up's and down ko as a human being. I have my own trauma and disability in my own emotions. Hindi nila kasalanan iyon. This is part of me. Part of my lesson as being me. I know I'm not perfect but at least I try it well to understand how things might fall into my arms. This is my life. My unwritten story of regrets and acceptance that this is my journey to find myself again after that knowledge. After I found out who really I am more than yesterday.

This is me. This is my life. My trauma. My mistake and my unwanted regrets but I need to accept it for me to understand and heal myself at its best. I need to see the small picture in order to see the biggest one. I need to suffer and acknowledge it. Not to run from it or to hide it. I need it all in order for me to heal and become the best version of myself again, more the younger version of yesterday. I need it to fix myself and be clear enough that I'm not perfect but this is my own way to find me and find what's heal me. Not easy and sometimes others don't see it but it's for me to find out and heal from every trauma that I had trouble understanding and used to be. This is my battle between me and my own journey of finding myself again in order to survive in the world.

Iyong pakiramdam na araw-araw nagigising ka at mararamdaman mo iyong pakiramdam na nalulunod ka at nagsisisi sa mga bagay na nasa harapan mo. Iyong pakiramdam na gusto mong bumalik sa nakaraan pero hindi mo na maibabalik pa. Wala ng natira na maganda kundi sama ng loob. Oo, there's a good side in everything happen in a bad ways but believe or not, it's hard as hell. Complicated like fire, stressing as water, undefined like thunder and hell like raining. Damn life. Damn this environment and bullshit this people. Damn it. Damn life. Damn human being. Damn it.

I hate to admit that this life is hard like hell. Nakakapagod. Siguro nga ganito rin ako dati. I have a burst of emotion, I keep ruin myself by letting other become involved in my anger, I was completely complicated human being with others. Maybe this is my karma. My own karma. Nararanasan ko ang mga bagay ngayon dahil ganito ang ako noon. Kung anong sama ng loob ko sa mga pinapakita ng tao sa akin ngayon maybe no, not maybe but because I was the same that day. Kung nahihirapan ako I do deserve it because I was like this too. Karma is my karma nga talaga. Mahirap pero sana matapos din ito. Matapos din ang mga paghihirap ko after kong maranasan ang mga hirap at pagtitiis ko. Napapagod na ako. I do. I'm too tired in life. Kung pwede lang maging bata ulit gagawin ko. Pipiliin ko. Makahinga at magkaroon lang ako ng peace of mind and mind blowing life na puno ng kapayapaan at kaginhawaan. I need it para makahinga. I need it para makayanan ang mga pagsubok sa buhay. I need life in order to survive in everything. I need it for me to breath and heal from pain and suffering. I need myself to heal in order for me to forgive myself from blaming and over indulgence in life. I need me to find me along with chaos of life. I need you to clear myself with my lesson along the way.

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