There are times that crying makes me heal. Masakit. Sobra. Iyong pamilyang pinipilit mong buuin pero winawasak din nila. Ayaw ka nilang tulungan. Gusto nila sila lagi victim. Pa-victim effect as always. Ikaw lagi may kasalanan. Ikaw kawawa. Hindi ko maintindihan. Napapagod na akong umintindi. Napapagod na kong umunawa dahil wala naman silang ginagawa kundi bigyan ako ng problema. Bigyan ako ng sama ng loob araw-araw, minu-minuto.

Iyong ginawa mo na lahat pero still nothing. Tumulong ka na pero ikaw pa masama. Kaunting bagay lang ikaw agad ang mali at may kasalanan. Hindi naman sa sinusumbat ko iyong tulong na ginawa ko kundi sobra na kasi. Kahit kaunting pag-unawa at pagtanggap sa pagkakamali nila wala. Wala ni isang katiting na pagmamalasakit sa nararamdaman mo at ginagawa mo. Sarili lang nila iniisip nila.

Sabi nga nila kapag mahal mo at mahalaga sa 'yo. You're more willing to give it a chance but what's next after so many chances? You gave so much pressure to love, care, appreciate and sacrifices but what's next to it? Hindi ba sila napapagod maging victim as always? You gave everything pero ano na? Saan na? Paano na? Hindi sa nanunumbat ka. Wala kang karapatan na manumbat dahil alam mong deserve mo ng respect from what you do yet iyong maramdaman na parang wala kang ginawang mabuti... Then, that's a lot.

Gusto kong magalit at magwala dahil everything is too much for me. Nauubos iyong napakaraming pasensiya at pag-unawa ko. Gusto nila sila na lang palagi ang iniintindi. Sila na lang lagi ang dapat unawain. How come? Kaunting hiya naman sana. Oo, wala ko karapatan na manumbat. Hindi dapat ako nanunumbat dahil kusa kong ginawa iyon para sa kanila. Kusa kong binigay ang binigay ko. Kusa akong nagmahal pero kung palagi na lang ganoon. Wala na. Wala ng natitira sa aking pagmamahal dahil kahit iyong kaunting respeto na gusto kong makamit kinukuha pa nila dahil lang sa victim mentality nila.

One mistake is enough for you to become shit while they're good in everything without the scars they had put in you. That's a lot of nerve of them. Hindi dapat akong maging hater human being but they push me to the core. Tapos sasabihin nila wala ko puso at respeto? What the heck! baka iyong iba iyon diyan. Baka sila iyong walang respeto dahil iyong lahat na mabuting ginawa mo balewala sa isang pagkakamali mo. Oh, pagkakamali bang maituturing ang pagsasabi ng totoo o sadyang masakit lang sa pandinig ang katotohanan. Samantalang iyong pagkakamali nila wala silang nakikita kundi iyong puwing na ginawa nila sa sarili nila. Unbelievable human being.

They're entitled to everything. They're good at everything. They're clueless of everything or just a mere blindness about Truth. Takot silang tanggapin na mali sila. Takot silang tanggapin na talo na sila. Takot silang mag-take responsibility with their own actions. They fear mistakes while they're doing a job to do more damage. They kind of like there's nothing wrong about them but how about you? What's left of you when your boundaries are already at your core. When your love is already at stake for you to give up yourself. For you to let go of the little respect you have for them. Sobra naman. Lahat na lang kukunin sa 'yo. How ridiculous it is. How unfair it is.

I know I'm not even perfect at my core. I make a lot of mistakes and insignificant matters na ginawa at dinicide ko in life but I'm just a human. Can make mistakes and can give a chance through it...to the way it is best. Not too late to make an amendment. Not too late to start all over again. And not too late to start today. What's too late is to turn time into yesterday because there is no medicine for that sickness. It's only regret but too late to get back to that damage.

And you know what, ang mas nakakatawa pa? Iyong mga iba na tingin nila lahat perfect na sa buhay nila. Na walang mali sa ginagawa nila. Na okay lang sila. Na Wala na silang hinahanap pa. Really? Isn't for real? Or just an imaginary friend of them to acknowledge that there's nothing wrong with them. Sino bang niluko nila? Tayo o iyong sarili nila? What do you think? They doesn't care but they care at your being. The jealousy eaten them alive and one thing left is their own thirst of acceptance with the truth upon them.

Walang perpekto bagay o tao sa mundo. We do mistake and always tayong nadadapa at bumabangon. Ganoon kasi talaga walang spoon feeding na lang lagi. Walang automatic transmission para sa buhay. Ang mayroon lang manual recovery. Walang gamot sa inggit at mas lalong walang pampahid sa insecurity. What's left is yourself to find the cure along with that scars you haven't talk to anybody. Your just a piece of trash and there's no easy way out. Walang makina para magpagaling sa kirot at galit. Walang sasakit sa pakiramdam na iyong pamilyang sasandalan mo sana ay siyang nangwawasak ng binubuo mong pagmamahal sa sarili mo.

Iyong pakiramdam na ginawa mo lahat para tulungan sila. Not financially but emotionally, physically and sometimes spiritually but what they do you? Suffering and pain, sorrow and regrets? Why do you offer yourself while they don't like it? Or just why you gave everything while they taking it more without thinking if your okay or not? Palagi kang nagtatanong kung okay sila pero natanong ba nila kung okay ka lang pagkatapos ng lahat-lahat ng ginawa nila sa 'yo para maging imbaledo ka ngayon at magalit sa mundo? Ano? Masaya ba?

Ginawa ka nilang ganyan. Ginawa ka nilang manhid. Ginawa ka nilang tao pagkatapos mong maintindihan na you need yourself, your boundaries, your self care and everything that you need. You need all of you to respect you at your core. To accept what you do and what you can't. No one asks you if you're okay or not. No one thinks of how pain pushes you to the limit of your boundaries.

No one sees how tears become your weapon to stand up and put a high ventilated place and equipment to put an anchor in front of you para hindi ka maabot. Para hindi ka na masaktan pagkatapos mong ibigay ang lahat para sa kanila. Kasi once the pain and suffering put you to hell then there's no easy way out but to limit yourself with that shit and all of the things that make your life complicated and undefined.

Sana man lang kahit kaunti mabigyan nila ng halaga iyong taong nasa harapan nila. Hindi iyong lagi silang nakatingin sa malayo habang naghihintay ng maaambon ng nasa malayo while they're doing a shit at your place of silence. Simple lang gusto mo pero mahirap pang maabot. Simple but not easy. Not hard but too hard. I don't know what to do with that hardness when what's left on me is pain and suffering. Paano ko maaa-appreciate ang mga bagay kung iyong nararamdaman ko ang nangunguna hindi na iyong pag-unawa dahil pagod na ako. Napapagod na ako. Pagod na pagod na ako. Sumusuko na ako. Hindi ako manhid. Tao Ako. Tao.

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