The pain of yesterday keeps hunting me. Iyong pakiramdam na nalulunod ka at gusto mo na lang malunod at hindi na makaahon pa. The pain is too much for you to understand. You want to blame yourself for your downfall. It's my fault or someone's fault. I don't know. There's a point in life that I want to blame myself or anyone in my life. I can't keep how I feel right now because it is too much.

Dumarating na ako sa point that life taught me so many things including how to shut my mouth and stop arguing with anything or somebody; not because I need to but because that's the right thing to do in order for me to find a place and find beauty along the hard way.  I know I don't have the right to complain and ask for forgiveness because sometimes I feel that I need to take responsibility for it. That I am the one who should be blamed for anything that happens in my life and in our family.

I want to blame myself for everything that happens to us. If I can go back to that place again, I should never let the present moment unfold like this. This is too much and it's really hurting my pride and my essence as a human being. Do I need to suffer like this in order to see what blinds me or just let things unfold like this also in order for me to find a new beginning along this sorrowful present moment.

I don't know. I just can't let go of what happened that time. I can't hide my disappointment and my pain in my back and in my heart in this situation. It should be me. It's my fault. My mistake. My wrongful decision because I was scared to be alone. Hindi ako naghintay ng tamang panahon at pagkakataon para mabuksan ang opportunidad. I was indecisive and decided what I felt at the right moment. I let it happen without thinking if that's right or not. I was wrong and I know it's my fault and it should be me to blame.

Minsan nakakapagod isipin na may mga bagay na hindi katanggap-tanggap pero kailangang tanggapin. I was lost in the dark. I was used and I was here letting me suffer all over again and again. Maybe I don't have a strong conviction to fight for it or I was scared that the decision would turn out this way again and again. I can't hide my fears of what's next and what direction I go for. I was scared and I couldn't hide my disappointment. I don't know, maybe I was also scared that the situation would repeat itself all over again and again. And it ends up like this again and there again.

I shouldn't blame myself like this, yes. I was someone who's willing and waiting for things to unfold perfectly before my eyes turn to darkness and be alone forever. I shouldn't blame myself with everything and anything because this is part of my journey and faith. This is my unwritten story to tell. This is my fear. This is my story and my downfall. I wasn't mature enough to be strong enough but still trying my best to be part of my life and part of a journey that I fear for. I want to cry and beg for God to change my life and my direction. I am hoping that God hears me, my prayers to change my mind, heart and soul.

I want my freedom to be back again. I want my life back at that time. I want to be there again and repeat what I need to change. I want to be part of a beautiful life again and be part of the journey with my parents, especially with mothers womb again; with her care, love and affection, my childhood life is either good or bad. I want to repeat it again but who am I to beg for it when time times up? When I am already here in the present moment where things and everything turn to heartbreak and misunderstanding with life and regret my actions through it.

Do I need to figure it out first before I wake up with the truth and everyone and everything messed up in my life? I was lost and lost everything in front of me. I was here begging for a new beginning. I want my peace and harmony but either they're, they don't give it to me. They gave me heartache and heartburn. They gave me sorrow and pain that I can't longer ease. This is too much for me to handle. My heart is beating so much that I want to scream out loud how unfair life is.

How people are so difficult and hard as hell it is. They gave me their damn pride and egoistical mindset. They ruined my life piece by piece. They ruined my only chance to become invisible in my own life. They complicate things and it is hard to explain everything. They gave me their damn burst of emotions. Emotions that ruined me, my patience to be strong and my capacity to become a positive person. They eat me alive until the point that I want to end my life and become invisible again.

I don't know what to do with people. They always wants me to handle them silently. They complicate my mind and my heart. They give me palpitations to the point I don't know what to do. I don't know what direction I must go. What life I went through today was a tough thing to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know why life gave me this shit composition. I don't know what to do. I just want my freedom to be in peace but today's generation is tough and rough.

Kung tutuusin life is easy and not so complicated but what should I do? Here we are looking for an answer but who I am to question everything that happens to me. Who I am to choose what I want if God makes a move for us to be fated to be like this and there. Parang destiny and unknown written rules and regulations are already there and then before we are born. So what should we do then if things are already here and it should be there any minute, time until we become old enough to understand how life unfolds. Until we age 60 and so on and die; lose comfort with our body anymore and find the darkest place into heavenly freedom of silence.

I know I don't have the capacity to breathe fresh air because life is not about anything. Life is all about breathing accordingly and finding peace along the chaos of it. Life is about fighting and becoming a survivor of the battle. We broke and broke into pieces but today or tomorrow everything will turn upside-down and up. Parang alon, ups and down then wave left and right then calm and repeating things all over again and again.

That's why if life puts us in a hard way then what should we do? Cry, beg, take initiative to kill ourselves or let it go according to unknown written knowledge of God's fated destiny for us. It's for us to choose and find a place for what is right or wrong in life. It's a matter between the silent and scream of what is best and best of all time of our own destiny and fate unknown territory.

_GCmxgchef