Mmm, baby, I don't understand this

You're changing, I can't stand it

My heart can't take this damage

And the way I feel, can't stand it

Mmm, baby, I don't understand it...

Changes by xxxtentacion

When Yue Qingyuan was simply Yue Qi, barely surviving on the streets, he had one wish: live as happily as he possibly could. That was really all that he had wanted then, all that a poor slave could ever hope for. But when he met Xiao Jiu, his wants started to slowly change.

At first, it was protecting his Xiao Jiu. Even though, as the oldest, he cared for all the slave kids, to him Xiao Jiu was more special. It was perhaps, because Xiao Jiu kept sticking close to him, that he got attached, being as he had cared for Xiao Jiu since he was a baby.

He knew though, it was because of the trust in those eyes. The other slaves may have him as an older brother, but they also had each other. His Xiao Jiu though, only had him. He only talked to him. Only listened to him. He only smiled at him. To Xiao Jiu, Qi ge was all his. No one else could call him Qi ge. And to Yue Qi, Xiao Jiu was also all his, only his, no one else's, Xiao Jiu did not let himself like any other and Yue Qi liked that. In the end, Yue Qi was also a dirty slave, greedy for any ounce of affection in the darkest corners, possessive of the light only he has ever basked in.

Later his wishes changed more. Xiao Jiu taught him, through his dirty tricks, through his stealing, through his rebellious actions, through his smiles at the smallest of victory, what yearning for more meant. He was rebellious. He wasn't happy with the life he lead, even if he earned the most for their masters, and had his own turf. Anyone else would have thought this to be good enough, but Xiao Jiu's always had big dreams.

Xiao Jiu wanted to be a cultivator, to be stronger so that the slavers couldn't kick them around anymore. Xiao Jiu wanted to join a sect.

"We will be stronger Qi ge! Then we will be free, we will have lots of food! Then we won't go hungry! We will have all the food we can eat and won't even get sick if we ate too many tanghulus! We will be warm and have our own beds and-"

"Is Xiao Jiu so eager to sleep away from Qi ge? Qi ge feels sad..."

"Aiyah, you emotional puppy! We can still sleep together and share the same blankets if you can't sleep alone anymore ah! What a wimp you are!" He had said then, rubbing their cheeks together as they again slept in the damp alley, sharing the same damp blanket, punished for Xiao Jiu's rebelliousness, and Yue Qi for not keeping him in line(as if he ever could, or would).

Then Yue Qi's wishes became more intertwined with Xiao Jiu. He too started to yearn for more. A house of their own where only the two of them would live, going around killing demons, saving people, staying together...

It was Yue Qi and Xiao Jiu against the world.

But when did it become Yue Qingyuan and Shen Qingqiu against each other, you ask? Yue Qi, poor, naive, Qi ge(heh, he sobbed and laughed) did not know. But Yue Qingyuan, the Sect Leader of Cang Qiong Mountain, the Xuan Su sword, did.

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When Shen Qingqiu woke up from that qi deviation all those years ago, Yue Qingyuan noticed something wrong.

This was not the first fatal qi deviation Xiao Jiu had been through. Even if he was delirious, the moment Xiao Jiu woke up, he would always reach for his sword, instinctively going to the corner of the bed, eyes so wary and distrustful it hurt to look at them. If (more like when) Xiao Jiu sees him, he would always tell him to get out, leave his sight, to go away, in the most polite and poetic way that only Xiao Jiu was capable of using to say something so mean.

But he did not... not this time.

Shen Qingqiu actually looked at him with such vulnerability that it shook him to his core. The face was still carefully blank, eyes still wary, but Yue Qingyuan could also see the barely hidden desperation and fear, confusion in his eyes. As if he didn't know where he was, who he was, and definitely didn't know how to hide the emotions in his eyes...

What's wrong?

He could only continue on with his worried inquiries and answer the strange questions, a strange feeling overcoming his entire being.

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Memory loss, Mu Qingfang said. His Xiao Jiu seemed to have lost the memories of much of his past. How much of it was still unsure. He remembered his cultivation techniques, obviously. He also seemed to remember them, his martial siblings, superficially, at least. It was just that, he had changed. In the best and worst ways possible.

Before he had always told his Xiao Jiu to be kind and respectful to his martial siblings. He was like that now. He had told him to go easy on his disciples. He started to spoil that disciple he hated once. This was all what he'd wanted before. He was really doing what Yue Qingyuan had once begged him to do.

But..

He behaved too differently now. The sharp tongue was still there, but more mellow and teasing. The face was still cold, but had softened at the edges (how, once, it would soften only for him). Even when they were street kids and everything had still been okay, his Xiao Jiu had been pretty mean, uncaring of what others felt from his actions, selfish, and only caring about his Qi ge. Now, everything was so different.

They had, of course, checked for possession, sometimes blatantly, sometimes discreetly. They all knew he knew what they were doing. But while before Shen Qingqiu would have felt angry at the blatant mistrust and disrespect, now he behaved as if he didn't know anything, or didn't care. This behaviour just caused them to become more extreme in checking him for signs of possession.

But nothing.

The soul was the same, no possession at all. It was still Xiao Jiu.

But why...was he so different....

Did forgetting everything about your childhood and your pains really change you into a completely different person? Was it really possible that Shen Qingqiu, the always bitter and angry peak lord of Qing Jing, could become so gentle ("Xiao Jiu, why did you beat him?" "That ungrateful bastard dared to steal from you Qi ge!") and giving ("Xiao Jiu we can let them have some fruits too." "No, we earned it, it's ours!") just because he doesn't remember his past anymore?

It was good though, Yue Qingyuan thought. Now Xiao Jiu will not be hated.

But deep in his heart, he couldn't help but mourn that the loss of those memories meant the loss of himself as his Qi ge too. Xiao Jiu didn't remember him, surely he didn't, or else he would have told him long ago to leave. Or if it was that he did not remember that wretched household, and so didn't remember his betrayal, then he would still call him Qi ge, softly, like he only ever called him. Not his Liu shidi, not his disciple Binghe, not everyone else. No.

Secretly, desperately, he thought, like the selfish, greedy, slave that he still was deep down, that Xiao Jiu will remember again, even if it brought pain..

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Without a cure, the name spoke for itself.

It obviously had no cure, and was the worst thing that could happen to any cultivator. It was certain death, either by the poison itself, or the affects it had on one's cultivation, making them vulnerable enough to be easy targets. No cultivator that had worked so hard on his cultivation would ever accept something like this. Death was, in comparison, more preferable.

But Shen Qingqiu was so different now. His Xiao Jiu was someone who had bit and scratched and held on tight to any power he could get his hands on. Even his broken meridians and his late age could not stop him from becoming the best you could possibly ever be in that situation, to trick and scheme and struggle his way to becoming the second-in-command peak lord of the strongest sect, someone who has so much power that no one would turn on him or threaten him and his life again.

To Shen Qingqiu, his cultivation was his all, it was his passion, his hope, his strength and Yue Qingyuan knew it. He had seen his Xiao Jiu struggle in his disciple days to catch up in a year to his fellow martial siblings, who had years to reach their mediocre levels. His tenacity to become strong was phenomenal, even if his qi deviations made his core more unstable. But he had still been proud when he had been named head disciple, working even harder to become the succeeding disciple too. His cultivation, his strength, was the first thing that was truly his, never mind the many fans Yue Qingyuan himself gifted Xiao Jiu.

He had offered help to him then, when the Qing Jing peak lord still hadn't noticed Xiao Jiu's hardwork. He could have personally taught him everything he knew, because Xiao Jiu's martial siblings, his own Shizun didn't. He had, of course, been rejected then kicked out, as if the very idea of getting his help, relying on him, made Xiao Jiu disgusted...

But to throw it all away, just like that, for a mere disciple no less, so easily? It was honourable, and selfless, which Xiao Jiu was not, had never been as a simple street kid.

And Shen Qingqiu didn't care, he didn't blame and punish the child for being careless enough to turn his back on his opponent, didn't blame Mu Qingfang for being unable to find a cure, didn't blame Liu Qingge for not coming in time, didn't blame him for not even being there, like Xiao Jiu always would. No, he instead comforted them, as if it wasn't he who had lost all his life's hardwork.

Did Xiao Jiu even forget being a street kid that yearned for power? Because yearning for power and making himself safe was all Xiao Jiu ever wanted, right?

Perhaps Xiao Jiu finally realized that they would care for him and keep him safe, like martial siblings were supposed to? Perhaps now that he had wealth and all the comforts he could ever want, all the protection that his peak provided, he didn't care anymore to be strong himself? That was okay, Yue Qingyuan will definitely keep him safe. (you lier, a voice sounding too much like his Xiao Jiu echoed in his mind, stifling his heart like the sharp shards of a promise long broken weren't already ripping them, even if those shards were exactly what kept him together)

If Xiao Jiu let him, he'll lock him on his peak and away from all those prying eyes wishing him harm, and keep him safe and pampered, making sure he's wishing for nothing else. That all that he wants gets to him. But Xiao Jiu wouldn't let him...

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