Nothing is worse than regret.

I don't think anyone understands that as well as I do. It's a constant battle between hating the ever present, all consuming feeling that has settled in the core of my being and just wanting to let everything go.

Letting go sounded like the better option but that was a hell of a lot harder to do.

I regretted not spending as much time with my father as I should have. I especially regretted that I wasn't with him when he died and that was something that I'd take with me for as long as I lived.

I also regretted that I couldn't make myself hate it here. It felt like a betrayal to my dad. I was afraid that if I let it all go and embraced my new life, that on some subconscious level I was saying that it's okay that he died. And it's not. It's not okay at all.

"Do you ever miss home?"

Casey's voice brought me out of my gloomy thoughts and I stared at the bottle in my hand. I unscrewed the cap and took a sip. "I miss my dad," I finally replied. "And I miss my friends."

It had never truly felt like home and since there was no dad to go back to, it was now just a place that I'd once lived.

She pushed her salad around with her fork and sighed. "I often wonder what it would be like to live somewhere else. Somewhere without so many memories."

"The memories follow you," I told her as Aiden walked into the cafeteria. He gave me a slight wave and I smiled in return. "We can't run from them and we can't forget."

"Forget what?" Sophie asked, plopping down beside me. She swiped a fry from my lunch and made a face. "Where's the ketchup?"

"I don't like ketchup," I said, shoving the rest of the fries to her.

"You're so weird," she said with narrowed eyes. "Anyway, guess what?"

"What?" Casey asked.

"I'm on the Winter Wonderland committee," Sophie beamed.

"Really? That's the theme they chose?"

She regarded me with mild annoyance. "It's cool."

"It's boring."

"As I was saying," she dismissed me. "Since I'm on the committee, I'm inviting you guys to join me."

I snorted. "No way."

Casey gave me a flat look before turning to Sophie. "Where's Maddy? She'll join for sure."

Sophie shrugged before pointing a fry at me. "So, you'll join?"

I shook my head. "What gave you that idea? No, I won't join."

She groaned and bit her fry. "C'mon. Please?"

"It's not even snowing yet," I reasoned. "The name sucks."

"If you were on the committee you could pitch your own theme and make it whatever you―" She stopped her speech when she realized that I was chuckling. "Really, Camille?"

"I'm sorry," I apologized, trying to compose myself.

She picked up her tray and stormed away.

"What did I do?" I asked Casey.

"This is important to her. If you don't care about the dance that's fine, but don't be insensitive."

I sobered up and my smile faded. Let's add another regret to the list, shall we; I regret being a jerk to Sophie.

***

I was sitting by the fountain waiting for Casey after school when Savannah joined me. I raised my brow when she sat, but remained silent.

"I'm not such a bad person you know," she mumbled, looking at her feet. "I made a stupid choice but that doesn't make me the bad guy."

I tilted my head to the side and studied her. She looked like she hadn't slept in forever. The bags under her eyes matched those under mine and her hair looked as though she'd spent an hour just running her fingers through it before pulling it into a ponytail. "Why are you telling me this?"

She looked at me then. "Because I see the way that you look at me― like you hate me."

I lifted my brow. "I don't hate you. I may not agree with your choices but I don't hate you."

"Carter hates me," she sighed. "Not that I really blame him, but he did break my heart first."

"I don't need to know," I told her, looking out towards the busy street.

A few students smiled at us as they made their way to the parking lot and one girl raised her brow.

"I wish I could take it all back. I honestly do."

I sighed. "Why are you still talking to me? It's not my forgiveness that you need."

"I don't want your forgiveness." She undid her ponytail and fluffed her hair out before redoing it.

I saw Casey coming towards us― head down, lost in her phone, so I grabbed my bag. "Look," I said glancing at Savannah. "If you feel so bad about it then you should apologize to Casey. I don't know if things between you and Carter can be fixed, but friendship doesn't play by the same rules as a relationship, so talk to Casey."

And leave me the hell out of it, I added silently as I walked away.

"Wanna hit up the mall?" Casey asked looking up for her phone.

I shrugged and fell into step beside her. It wasn't like I had anything better planned anyway.

"This will be so much fun," she gushed excitedly.

I patted her arm. "Sure."

The drive to the mall was quiet, but it was a good kind of quiet― the kind that allowed you to get lost in your thoughts.

I texted April as we pulled into the parking lot and tucked my phone into my pocket.

"Have you spoken to Aiden?" Casey asked, pulling a shirt off the rack. She held it up. "Yes or no?"

"Should I have?" I scanned the shirt and nodded my approval as my phone buzzed.

I replied to April's text and went over to the t-shirt section. I was scanning the shirts looking for my size when Casey called me. She held up a pair of Mary Janes and I flashed her a thumbs up.

"You should give him a chance," she said, draping the jeans over her shoulder.

"Who?"

She thumped me on the arm, "Aiden, silly. He likes you."

"Uh huh." I reached for my phone as a safety net.

"Why won't you give him a chance?"

I raised my brow. "What's the big deal? Besides, I'm not even ready for a relationship."

"It doesn't have to be a relationship."

"Okay."

Casey sighed and held up a red strapless dress that came to her knees, dotted with tiny white flowers. "What about this?"

∞∞

"Camille, do you have a minute?"

I glanced at my bedroom door where Tori stood with her arms crossed. I closed my notebook and moved to a sitting position. "Sure."

She exhaled and took a cautious seat at the foot of my bed. "We need to talk about everything that's happened," she said looking at me with sorrowful eyes.

I paused mid-nod and raised my head. "Why?"

"This cold war that you've waged against me needs to end." She sighed, "I don't expect you to forgive me―"

"Yes, you do," I cut her off. "And I can't do that."

"Then tell me how I can fix this," she pleaded.

"You can't erase the last sixteen years," I said in exasperation. "You abandoned me. What kind of a mother abandons her kid?"

"I was having a really hard time―"

I threw my hands in the air. "Really? You never even looked back! You moved on to someone else's family to be someone else's mother and you never even called me. How do you think that makes me feel?"

"I―"

"We weren't good enough for you," I interrupted her again. "I get it, but you need to understand that my dad was good enough for me. I'm not trying to replace him, especially not with you."

Tears pooled in her eyes as she reached for my hand. "Words cannot express how truly sorry I am. I was young and selfish and I know that I shouldn't have left but I did and I really am so very sorry."

I stared at our joined hands and sighed. It wasn't a sigh of sorrow, it was one of anger. "I'm sorry too," I bit out harshly, pulling my hand away. "I'm sorry that my dad is gone and you're stuck with the daughter you never wanted."

Silent tears trickled down her face and although I felt bad for making her cry, it was the truth and I wasn't about to take it back. I was hurting way more than she was.

"I didn't know that something was missing from my life until I realized that I was the only kid in my class with only a dad. It had broken his heart when I'd asked him why I didn't have a mommy too. I guess that was the question that he'd dreaded the most, because how do you tell your child that her mother didn't want her? That she left and never looked back― you don't."

And he didn't. He'd told me that I didn't have a mommy because I didn't need one. I had a dad who loved me enough for the both of them.

I didn't always see it his way though, sometimes I'd wish that I had a mom, even if it was only for one day. Funny thing is though, now I do have a mom and I'd trade this life in a heartbeat just to have my dad back for one more day.

With a sigh, Tori wiped her tears away. When she was calm, she said, "I did want you in my life Camille but I'd left and was living halfway around the country from you and your dad. If I had come back for you that would've meant taking you away from him and I couldn't hurt him more than I already had. I've loved you from the moment that I held you in my arms and I've never stopped loving you sweetheart."

I felt a tear roll down my cheek and I used my thumb to wipe it away. I didn't want to hear any of this― It was way too late for apologies.

"I've made a lot of mistakes and my list of regrets are a mile long but my biggest regret was leaving you and I'll always regret that decision. I'll never forgive myself for it."

"Why didn't you ever call?" I asked, my voice breaking.

"What was I supposed to say to you?" She whispered. "I had already disappointed you."

I lowered my head and let my tears fall. In that moment I felt truly broken.

Tori gathered me in her arms and my tears soaked her shirt, making a mess. "I'm sorry," I hicupped. "I'm sorry that I can't forgive you."

She stroked my hair as I cried, her own tears occasionally hitting my face. "I'm sorry too," she said softly.

When she finally left, I curled up in a ball and squeezed my eyes shut, willing my brain to shut off. I was so tired but there were so many thoughts running through my mind, so many memories. "Oh Dad," I cried. "Take me with you."

***

"Everything okay?" Carter asked, eyeing me curiously when I pushed my untouched breakfast plate away.

"Yep." I didn't even have it in me to fake a smile so I kept my head down and collected my bag from beside me. "I'll ride to school with Casey."

"She's already left."

"Well, is Logan here?"

I didn't feel like being around any member of Tori's family at the moment. Especially not Carter and he was my favorite.

I'd spent most of the previous night crying and as much as I'd tried not to, I resented the fact that I had nowhere else to go.

I felt like for the past few months I was in a bubble and although the sadness had never left, it wasn't as bad as it should've been. But now, it felt like someone had popped my bubble and along with any trace of happiness that had trickled out, so did my resolve not to be bitter and resentful towards the people who had opened their home to me and made me feel like I was actually a part of their family.

"No. Logan doesn't live here, remember?" Carter asked, attempting a smile. "Just give me a minute to grab my stuff and I'll meet you outside, alright?"

I nodded and quietly made my way to his car. I leaned against the hood and groaned when my least favorite member of the household came bursting through the door.

"You look the way I feel," Caitlyn joked.

Yesterday I might have laughed along with her but I wasn't up to it today. I pointedly ignored her and ducked into the car when Carter unlocked the door.

∞

"Hang back a sec, Camille?" Carter requested when he pulled into the parking lot.

"Sure," I murmured.

He waited until we were alone before turning to face me. "Is everything okay?"

I shrugged and played with my bag, avoiding his stare. Part of me wanted to tell him that my world had grown dark again and I was barely holding on by a thread, and the other part just wanted to suffer in silence. In the end, silence won.

"You know that you can talk to me, right?"

I shrugged and fiddled with the zipper.

He sighed and finally having had enough, I opened the door. Before I stepped out I tapped his arm and gave him the only smile I could muster. "I'm okay."

I operated on autopilot for the remainder of the day, smiling at the appropriate times and trying my best to pretend that I wasn't on the verge of falling apart.

When I got home and was safely locked in my room, I let the facade go and embraced the sadness that followed.

It went on like that for the better part of two weeks. After school I'd hide out in my room until I was sure that everyone had gone to bed, then I'd sneak into the kitchen and eat in solitude. The weekends were harder to get through. I'd stay holed up in my room all day, studiously avoiding everyone and at night it seemed to go on forever when all I did was cry and wallow in self-pity. It was no easy task avoiding everyone, but I did it anyway. I needed time to myself, time to grieve for all that I'd lost and all that would never be.

As I sat on the reading nook one Saturday night, wishing for the comfort of the stars and occasionally wiping away stray tears, I thought of my dad and how much I missed him. I missed his laugh, I missed his bear hugs that were reserved only for me, I missed him telling me every night before I went to bed how much he loved me and how lucky he was to be my father. I missed seeing him sitting in his favorite chair, coffee in hand, totally zoned out reading the newspaper and how his face would light up when he saw me. I missed the feeling of being unconditionally loved by the best person that I'd ever known. I mostly just missed the man who took a huge chunk of me with him when he died.

When someone you love dies, your heart breaks in a special way. It leaves a deeper wound than the average heartbreak, one that creates an empty space that will never be filled.

People always say that it's hard losing someone that you love, especially a parent. But you will never know just how hard it really is until you're given your exclusive, irrevocable membership card to the club. It's the hardest thing to wake up every day and go about your life, trying to ignore the ache that never ever goes away- And it's even harder when you have no one to share that pain with.

"I've had enough of you ignoring me," Carter announced, barging into my room.

I smiled and wiped away the tears that were now hitting my legs. "Good, because I've had enough of being alone."

He came closer and I braced myself against the wall, exhaling loudly when more tears came. "I'm a mess," I hicupped.

"I can see that." He put an arm around me, gently tugging me off the nook. "Let's get you cleaned up."

Carter stayed with me while I washed my face and cried a little more, the water mixing with my tears. It was like I'd opened the floodgates and couldn't get it shut again.

"You hungry?"

I shook my head and let him envelope me in a hug. For the first time in almost two weeks, I was letting someone in and it felt good. I relaxed my stance and hugged him back.

"Let's take a walk."

I ambled down the stairs behind Carter, wondering why I'd even agreed to do this. I wasn't a fan of walking― as we all know― especially since it was now fairly cold outside.

"Got your coat," Carter called from the hallway closet.

I stood in the foyer awkwardly shifting my weight from one foot to the other and trying my best to ignore the scrutiny of Tori who was conveniently on her way out the door.

"Ready?" Carter asked while he helped me button up.

I smiled weakly and nodded.

We bumped into Blaine as we were about to leave. "Hey, kiddo," he ruffled my hair.

I ducked away from him and attempted to smooth my hair back to a state of normalness.

I slipped out the door while Carter spoke to him. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a second. I don't think I'll ever get accustomed to how noisy the city is at night and although we weren't in the centre of it all, it still amazed me how it almost never grew quiet, even in the dead of night.

"Where to?" I asked Carter when he joined me.

He stuck his hands in his coat pockets and shrugged. "How about I give you a proper tour of the city?"

"It's almost nine." I raised my brow. "What's there to see?"

He draped an arm over my shoulder, pulling me close as we approached his car. "It's New York City at night. What isn't there to see?"