She responded to the call for volunteers just because she was bored. 

Having been back to Manila from overseas after a huge quarter-life crisis, Ashley Ramirez has way too much time in her hands. Her therapist advised her to be active--physically, she was reminded--and that went against the very fiber of her being. Ashley was a couch potato, who enjoyed watching TED talks and listening to podcasts while in the shower, but with the current change in her life, she figured she won't be able to enjoy such things anymore. To begin with, there's no such thing as a shower in the Philippines. Her home in Manila has a balde and tabo and she's always reminded by her mother not to waste water, lest they incur high bills with Maynilad. Secondly, internet speed is shit in this country. She didn't have the same luxuries she used to have when she was living the States.

That's the thing that most people cannot understand. Ashley had a more than good life compared to 90% of the population. And yet she left it all because she was depressed and needed a change. Even with a valid medical diagnosis, people looked down on her because they thought, 'arte mo lang yan. nahirapan ka lang, depression na? di mo ba alam ang daming gustong makapag-abroad tapos ikaw sasayangin mo lang?' It didn't help that she heard those words--verbatim!-- from her own parents and relatives. Without the support she obviously needed, it made Ashley spiral down even more.

That is, until she came across some kids dancing to a catchy tune. Soon, she was binge watching every video and had grown to like these boys namely Sejun, Stell, Ken, Justin and Josh. Ashley thought they weren't handsome--except for Justin (who she thought was too young for her) and Josh ('gwapo pero maliit sya eh... 'di gaya nung ex ko, porenjer na, matangkad pa')-- but the boys were extremely talented. Like, K-pop caliber, even though she doesn't know any K-pop group at all.

Her therapist encouraged this when she went to their weekly session. The good doctor even encouraged Ashley to reach out to the group and it's fans, just so Ashley won't clam up and drown in her own depressive thoughts. Ashley frowned at this and flat out refused, arguing that she's not in the "baby bra generation" anymore, and besides, 

"It's just stupid," Ashley argued. "Mukhang tanga lang, di na ko bata doktora. I'm not going to be one of those mindless fans holding light sticks and shouting 'anakan mo ako!' Christ, ang babaw!"

The doctor sighed. "Ashley, listen to yourself and then listen to what I just said. I didn't ask you to scream 'anakan mo ako' at anybody. I just told you to reach out to people who like the things that you do. All I want for you is to engage in a conversation with somebody aside from me. I can see you like this SB19 group. They have a wide fan base--I looked them up too, in fact my kid is a huge fan-- and it seems that--"

But Ashley was already scowling. "No. Those kids are hormonal idiots, doctor. I bet I have been in this world way longer than them and they were probably babies when I was in nursing school."

"Ashley. Stop. If you always compare your life with other people, you'll continue to be alone. No one has a similar life with others; your life is extremely unique to yourself. You're isolating yourself from everybody and that is not healthy. You know this."

Ashley met her therapist's eyes. She does know it. That's what landed her in this situation in the first place. She isolated herself from everybody while in the States--refusing to meet new people, refusing to go out, burying herself with her job in the hospital, working all night and they drowning her sadness with alcohol in the day... she could feel all the memories coming back, inducing an anxiety attack.

After a few calming breaths and encouragement from her therapist, Ashley went home, skipped dinner, and went straight to her room.  She lied on the bed and sighed.

'Reach out sa fans? Reach out sa SB19 mismo?' Ashley rolled her eyes at the thought. 'Lokohan ba 'to? Anong alam ng mga yun sa hirap ng buhay? Alam ba nila mag-isa sa abroad? Alam ba nila pano tunay na mahirapan e pucha mga sanggol pa yata tong mga to.'

In the middle of her musing, her phone buzzed with a new notification. It was a video from SB19's CEO, Tatang Robin. With nothing better to do, Ashley watched the announcement.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how this story truly started.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She responded to the call for volunteers just because she was bored. 

That was the truth. After that conversation with her therapist, Ashley had the impulse to reach out to one of the A'TIN admins and volunteered her services. She didn't care if it was just to pack shirts or merchandise. After all, she wasn't expecting to be picked. 

But to her immense surprise, they called her back.

"Ma'am tiningnan po namin yung FB profile nyo, I hope you don't mind. Nurse po pala kayo?"

"Yes, pero di ako nag vo-volunteer as nurse, I mean, honestly kahit taga-hawi lang, okay na yun."

"Ay yes ma'am, pero according po kasi sa management, kelangan din po ng medic just in case may fans or staff na kelangan ng first aid. Okay lang po ba sa medics namin kayo ilagay?"

Ashley shrugged, "Sure, I don't mind."

"Sige po. We'll send you the details."

And that's how Ashley Ramirez ended up in the backstage of Cuneta Astrodome, with her handy first aid kit, watching as people got busy with the much awaited concert of SB19.

She saw the boys earlier as they practiced on stage. They weren't so different from their personas on TV. Josh was indeed the shortest, Ken wasn't much of a talker, and Stell was as loud as he was in their vlogs. Justin was cute, but Ashley couldn't shrug off that he's the same age as her brother... way too young for her. Sejun was Sejun-- leader and reigning in the boys when they got too much.

Hours later, the show started and Ashley had the privilege to watch some bits of their performances in between her job as medic. Some fans had minor dehydration due to waiting outside in the sun, some had minor scrapes when there was a bit of a tussle in the merch area, some just needed water to calm their damn hormones. Ashley shook her head at the younger ones who screamed themselves hoarse at the boys.

'Relax kids,' Ashley thought. 'There's a one in a million chance they'll screw you.' She couldn't help but laugh at her own evil thoughts. Jesus, has she always been this jaded and cynical?

The concert ended with Tatang Robin thanking everybody and the boys non stop thanking their fans. The whole arena was lit with light sticks, and the ground shook with all the screaming and jumping. Even Ashley who wasn't into crowds and concerts (with the exception of musical plays back in New York) was amazed and felt good for the whole team. It was obvious that everybody's hard work paid off. The boys gave a stellar performance, the crowd loved every second of it, and the other volunteers were truly god-sent. The whole affair went rather smoothly minus the minor hiccups, and overall, it was a night to remember for everyone. 

Ashley had to admit-- she had fun. Something she hadn't done in years.

Soon it was time to pack up and get ready for the second day of SB19's concert mayhem-whatever-they-chose-to-call-it. It was pretty ambitious to have 10 concerts in 10 cities, but Ashley had to give it to the boys. They worked so hard and deserve all this.

Being an expat with some cash to spare, Ashley rented a hotel room so as not to travel back and forth in the 2 days that she was volunteering. It wasn't much-- just a simple single room with a private bathroom--but she did indulge in a bit and chose a hotel over a cheap motel. She thought of it like a staycation of sorts.

And so it was late in the night--almost early morning at 2am actually--that Ashley found herself unable to sleep and was in a dire need for a bit of a walk. She knew it would be dangerous to walk around at this late hour, but what the hell, her adrenaline was still pumping from that concert.

So, forgetting that she was in Manila now and not in the States, Ashley stepped out of her room.

The hotel corridor was quiet, except for Ashley's light footsteps. Then she heard some whispers from down the hall.

"Uy wag kayo maingay baka magising si Sir Robin!"

"Guys tingnan nyo yung anino ko oh... mukhang kabute."

"Uy wag maingay!"

"I-vlog ba natin to? Dapat i-vlog natin to!"

"Sira e di nakita ni Sir Robin!"

"Ay oo nga no!"

It dawned on Ashley that the people whispering was no other than the boys of SB19 themselves. She turned around and true enough, five boys in their slippers were walking down the hall like herself. In the dim light she saw the silhouettes of Sejun, Stell, Ken, Josh and Justin. They saw her too and the boys gave a shy smile.

Ashley returned their greeting with a silent smile and went straight for the elevator. She held the door open for the group, who thanked her, "Thank you po!"

What luck, she was inside an elevator with just the five most famous boys in the Philippines at this moment.

'Anybody would kill for my luck just now,' Ashley thought to herself. She kept silent and tried to mind her own business.

Meanwhile the boys were still chattering among themselves, wondering where to grab a bite, Sejun warning the boys to keep their voices down, and Stell cracking some joke about Justin's rabbit nightcap.

"Ay ang lamig pala, dapat nag hoodie ako," Ken remarked as soon as the elevator doors opened. 

The boys stepped out and Ashley let them walk by. She kept a respectable distance from the group, being mindful of their privacy. She realized they must be used to people ogling them, and she refused to be another fangirl statistic.

But she didn't notice one member of the group who stepped out last from the elevator.

'Ey, ikaw yung nasa likod kanina di ba?'

Ashley looked back. Josh was behind her.

"Huh?" She wasn't sure if he was talking to her.

"Ikaw yung nasa likod diba? Yung nagbigay ng Katinko kay Sejun kanina?"

Ashley nodded. Sejun had some minor shoulder pain in between performances, and Ashley gave him some of that salve which relieved him. She didn't remember seeing Josh then.

"Thank you ah," Josh said, smiling.

"Wala yun," Ashley replied. Her first thought upon seeing Josh close was, 'di naman pala sya bansot.' At 5 feet 2 inches, Ashley wasn't a tall girl herself, but her days working overseas had exposed her to much taller people of different races, and so she always thought that Filipino are midgets. But Josh wasn't really as short as she thought, and in spite being slight of build, the boy had enough bulk. Not to mention, that V-neck shirt he was wearing was not helping her visual appraisal of him.

"Anong pangalan mo po?"

They were out the hotel by this time. The rest of SB19 were not far ahead of them. Ashley smirked.

"Secret."

This made Josh chuckle a little. "Nice, nice. Mysterious. I like that."

In spite of her internal protest, Ashley found herself smiling, feeling a weird, warm, fluttering feeling at the base of her stomach. 

"Ashley. Ate Ashley."

Her use of honorific made Josh lose some of his playfulness. "Oh. Hi po Ate Ashley. Ako po si Josh. Thank you po sa pagtulong kanina."

His sudden shift to formality at her prank made Ashley laugh aloud. "Ha! Maka-ate ka naman. Ashley lang oy! Di pa ko ganun ka-tanda!"

"Eh sabi mo kasi Ate, e di syempre in-assume ko mas matanda ka saken!" Josh retorted, laughing as well. "Teka nga, ulet. Hi, I'm Josh, and you are?"

Ashley took his extended hand. "Ashley." They shook hands as Josh said, "Nice to meet you." That weird, warm feeling came back to Ashley.

The pair exchanged smiles. In comfortable silence, they crossed the street.

Ashley didn't know what to say or do next. This was SB19 Josh walking beside her, on the sticky asphalt of Pasay, crossing the street and unknowingly making their way to a nearby Ministop. She glanced at him. He had dyed his hair whitish, making him seem fairer under the dim street lamps. He stood a few inches taller than her, and yet even with the minute height difference, he seemed much taller. Ashley took a minute to appreciate the man's features. 

'Tangina those videos do not do this guy any justice,' she thought. 'Gwapo ang leche.'

"Bibili ka rin ba ng food?" Josh asked as they entered Ministop. He opened the door for her and Ashley smiled her thanks.

"Oo. Mas mura food dito kesa yung nasa fridge sa kwarto," she replied. 

Ahead of them, the rest of SB19 were talking about what food to get. Stell wanted some bread, Sejun was looking at the hotdog concessionaire, Ken was looking at chips and crisps while Justin was thinking aloud whether to get ice cream or siopao. 

"Gusto mo siopao Jah? Ayun oh," Ken gestured to a stray cat who loitered around the store. Justin laughed and proceeded to get ice cream instead. Josh joined them, and Ashley went to get herself some hopia. She remembered craving them when she was in the States. She grabbed a pack, some bottled water and went to the counter. She decided to get a pack of cigarettes too. She wasn't a heavy smoker, but on the rare occasion, she puffs one or two. Just to ease her mind.

Or her hormones, more like it. Because Josh was just inches from her, talking with Sejun about which hot dog would be best at this hour. Ashley smiled to herself, thanked the guy at the till, and stepped out.

She sat on the curb, not minding the dirty concrete, and lit a cigarette. She breathed in once, exhaled, and watched the smoke swirl. She coughed a bit. It has been a long time since she had done this.

She glanced behind her at the laughter that came from inside the store. The boys were still inside, cracking jokes with whatever they could find. She shook her head from their antics, unable to stop herself from smiling. They should've vlogged this, the girls of A'TIN would have a field day.

Ashley was in the middle of munching her food when she felt a nudge behind her. Josh.

"Ay di nag-aaya," he said jokingly.

Ashley frowned a bit. "Di naman ako umiinom ah." 

To her surprise, Josh sat next to her and she felt his arm brush hers lightly. He gestured to her cigarette. "Nagyoyosi ka pala."

"Minsan lang. Actually ngayon na lang ulit."

"Stressed?"

"Onti." She smirked. "Gusto mo?" She offered her pack. Josh looked at it for a moment, as if debating whether to pick one or not. He bit his lip, and Ashley could not help but follow that short movement with her eyes.

"Ahh di pwede, tsk, magagalit si Sir Robin." Josh shook his head and looked at her apologetically. 

Ashley nodded. "Keri lang. Hopia na lang oh." 

"Naku, lalo akong maho-hopia neto," Josh laughed as he took a hopia from her.

Ashley, who had not lived in the Philippines for a while, looked clueless, as the joke was lost on her. Josh noticed this and looked at her, puzzled.

"Di mo na-gets?" and when she shook her head, he laughed, "Seryoso ka ba?"

Ashley rolled her eyes. "Di nga. Ewan ko ba senyong mga kabataan kayo, pati pagkain di nyo pinalampas sa hugot na yan. Hugot yang hopia chenes na yan diba?"

Josh chuckled, and Ashley had to fight her internal slutty self from just lunging at the man beside her. "Teka nga," he said, "Ilang taon ka na ba?"

"28. Ikaw 25 alam ko."

He nodded. "O, 3 years lang pala. Maka-kabataan ka naman."

"Kahit na. 3 years agwat natin, kaya wag ka masyadong presko dyan. Ayokong makasuhan ng child abuse."

This made Josh laugh again. "Presko? At child abuse agad? Besides, di naman halata."

He was looking at her, straight at her, and somehow Ashley felt her cheeks warming under his appraising stare. "Ano ba in-expect mo? Wrinkles?"

"Hindi naman. Pero kasi... pansin ko lang ha, medyo parang... iba ka makitungo."

She raised an eyebrow. "Wow. Observant ka pala?" She shook her head. 

That Josh is telling her that she's "iba makitungo" is making her feel weird. She had never had a long enough encounter with the boys, other than glances when they were practicing, and whatever random chit chats she happens to overhear from staff members. So how could he say "iba ka makitungo" as if he's been watching her?

"I can read people... alam mo yun?" Josh said, munching on the hopia she gave him. "Like, minsan nag-oobserve lang ako, and sabi kasi nila Ate Apple pag daw may kelangan kami or something, sa'yo daw lumapit kasi nga medic ka daw. And ayun, nakita ko parang... may something ka."

"Di naman siguro dandruff?" she joked. When he chuckled, Ashley felt her heart skip a beat. She sighed. "Di kasi ako taga-dito. I mean, sa States ako nakatira before." When his eyes widened, Ashley nodded. "Legit. First time ko bumalik ng Pinas after... like, 6 years or so?"

"Weh?"

"Oo nga."

"Bakit?"

She looked at him. "Bakit ano? Bakit ako umalis o bakit ako bumalik?"

"Both."

She took a puff of her cigarette, exhaled, before she said, "Bakit?"

"Bakit ano?"

"Bakit gusto mong malaman, Josh Cullen?"

He smirked at her use of his full name. "Kasi..." he inched closer, making Ashley catch her breath. "May something ka at gusto kong malaman."

She met his stare, trying to level her breath and not get lost in those dark eyes. "Ingat, Josh Cullen. You're playing with fire."

He gave a low chuckle, and to her surprise, took her cigarette, brought it to his lips, took a puff and then looked at her. "Try mo."

They stared at each other for awhile, and Ashley indulged in his dark eyes, trying to sort out the suddenly weird thumping in her chest, while debating with herself whether to risk sharing her lowest moments with this stranger--this fucking stupidly handsome stranger--at 2 in the morning, in an empty parking lot.

He was not a boy, he was a man and she was drawn to him. She was suddenly aware of his proximity, that she could just inch closer, and her nose would touch his.

Ashley let out a sigh and shook her head. "Nah. Focus, Josh Cullen."

Josh smirked. "I am." He lifted a finger to gently tilt her face to his. His voice dropped to a whisper. "See?"

In that split second, Ashley's heart dropped. It was brief, but it seemed like the warmth from his finger lingered on her cheek, and all she could see was him, and all she could hear was her heart beating out of sync. 

But it was fleeting. The scent of cigarette smoke wafted back to her nose, as well as the sound of feet and laughter. She came back to her senses, and she saw the other members of SB19 step out of Ministop. Josh saw them too.

Ashley stood up and dusted off hopia crumbs from her shirt, while Josh crushed the cigarette on the concrete with his foot. Nearby, they could hear Justin's laughter and the group calling out to Josh.

"Josh tara, balik na!"

Ashley knew her time was up. Whatever shitty version of some fairy tale just transpired, she knew it was over and reality had just set in. She gave Josh one last look and walked away.

Until she felt a hand grab hers.

"Hey."

She looked back. It was Josh. She felt his grip tighten a little.

"Bukas?"

Ashley wasn't sure if she was imagining the tinge of hope in his voice, or if it was her imagination. She wanted it to be real, but after seeing the world beyond fanfictions and imagined stories, she knew what should be.

She pried her hand gently from his. And just smiled.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author's note:

I hope it wasn't cringe-y. This was written in an hour or two. I didn't really edit much, so pardon the mistakes. Comments and criticisms are very much welcome.