ito na ang kinakatakutan ko.

sigawan n'yo ako sa twitter: arrowheadswp username ko AHHAHAHA

thank u sa mga nagbabasa huhu

*

WALA siyang gana sa work. Gelo apologizes profusely, but she waves him off and focuses on work kasi iyon lang ang distraction niya.

Wala siyang duty sa hospital. Is he at home, as miserable and as tired as she is, replaying their argument over and over in his head? Or is he still catching up on sleep sa guest room? Sabi niya the other night gusto niya mag-grocery shopping. Gagawin ba niya today?

Pero nagulat siya nang mag-text siya lunchtime.

Pogi: going na.

Jiya reads that and doesn't reply. Going where?

Inggo also texts her.

Inggo Best Bro: bro, text kita pag
nakarating kami

Her features pull together.

saan?

Inggo reads that immediately but takes a while to reply.

Inggo Best Bro: akala ko nag-usap na
kayo ni migs bago kami umalis. trip to
baguio with cas and anton?

Ah. Sinabi nga ni Migo na may gano'n, pero hindi niya sinabi kung kailan. Today na pala 'yon.

A fucking text was all she got. Puta.

wag ka na magtext.

Inggo Best Bro: alam kong
magkaaway kayo right now pero
mahal ka ni migs and mahal mo rin
siya. kahit galit ka, kahit masakit,
itetext kita kasi alam kong mag-aalala ka.

Bahala siya.

Gelo knocks on the door at seven. "Jiya, go home."

"I will after I finish this."

He doesn't leave. He purses his lips and asks, "Are you okay?"

"Yes," Jiya says.

Gelo gets the hint and leaves with a sigh. Good. If she hears another apology from him, she'll punch him.

Nag-text si Inggo kanina na nando'n na sila, at nag-text siya ulit ngayon lang.

Inggo Best Bro: dinner na. kumain
siya. what about you?

In-a-ask ba ni Migo o ni Inggo?

Her face crumples and she bows her head. Hindi niya sinagot.

Nagka-period siya Saturday. She cries in bed and dinalhan siya ni Manang ng painkillers at pagkain at miss na niya si Migo.

Their bed is too lonely and cold. The guest room still has traces of his smell, rumples on the bedsheets from where he slept last night.

Nag-text si Inggo that they went out, tapos lunch na sila ngayon.

Jiya dresses in Migo's hoodie and sweatpants and lies down on the bed na hinigaan niya kagabi. She sobs helplessly on the pillow. Natulog siya ro'n buong araw. Walang kinain.

Nag-text si Inggo na dinner na. Kumain raw si Migo.

Siya lang ang nasasaktan sa kanilang dalawa. Nagagawa pa ni Migo kumain nang maayos.

Kung away pa lang nila, ganito na siya...paano kapag iwan siya ni Migo?

Iniwan na ba siya? Masyado bang malaki ang kasalanan niya na hindi na siya kaya patawarin? Hindi ba makita ni Migo kung saan siya mali?

On Monday, Gelo takes one look at her and says, "You're not going."

May pupuntahan kasi sila na event sa isang school na malayo, hindi alam ni Jiya kung saan, pero it's a four-hour drive. Speaker kasi si Gelo.

"I want to go," Jiya says.

"You look like hell," he bites out. "You need to eat and rest."

"I'm fine," Jiya snaps. "Stop worrying about me, you're not in a place to worry about me. I'm going."

Gelo slams the door on the way out.

Umupo siya sa tabi niya sa car. Her phone buzzes.

Inggo Best Bro: ji, how are you? reply
please, i'm also worried about you.

She feels numb.

out of town for a work event.

Inggo reads that immediately.

Inggo Best Bro: okay, ingat ka pls.
kumain ka na?

no

Inggo Best Bro: since when

Kumain siya ng tinapay kagabi. Tapos sinuka niya. She doesn't reply to him.

Jiya does her best at work even though she feels like shit, even though she's sweating and her whole body aches.

One of her co-workers hands her water. "Drink, you look pale, Jiya."

"Thank you." Jiya gulps it down.

Nasa stage ngayon si Gelo. Jiya watches him.

Pabalik sila sa kotse, Gelo takes off his suit jacket and puts it on her.

Jiya shrugs it off. "Gelo—"

"You have blood on your skirt," he mutters, leaning down. "Please, just wear it. And here." Binigyan niya ng panyo. "Wipe your face, you're sweating."

Pinabayaan niya. He told her to give it back to him whenever.

He drops her off at her house, pero she grabs her keys and drives to Inggo's condo. Ayaw niya sa bahay nila.

She dumps her bag on the chair and tosses her phone on the bed—'yong bed na hinihigaan ni Migo whenever he slept here to review. Wala siyang battery and wala siyang ganang i-charge.

Jiya strips off her clothes, changes her napkin in the bathroom, splashes water on her pale face. She looks like hell.

Nagbihis siya ng shirt and shorts ni Migo na nasa closet, sweater niya, at socks niya kasi nilalamig siya kahit walang aircon or electric fan. Humiga siya sa kama and curled in on herself, wrapping the covers around her.

Her lip is trembling. Nahihirapan siyang huminga. She shuts her eyes, tapos nadala na siya sa tulog.

*

Nagising siyang may nakahawak sa kamay niya.

Migo is seated on the edge of the bed, hand covering hers.

Naramdaman ni Jiya yung kirot sa puso niya. Bakit siya nandito? 'Di ba bukas pa uwi nila?

He finds her eyes, sees that she's awake. "Valle."

She snatches her hand back like his touch burns her and sits up. Do'n lang niya napansin na may dagdag na blankets over her body 'tsaka may twalya sa ulo niya.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" Migo bites out angrily.

Jiya flinches.

She swallows down the bile threatening to rise up her throat and moves her legs over the edge of the bed to stand and run. Run where, hindi niya alam. "Kala ko bukas pa kayo uuwi."

"Ano—umupo ka nga," Migo growls, grabbing her by the shoulder.

Sa panghihina ng katawan niya, wala siyang nagawa.

"Akala ko kung ano nangyari sa 'yo," he hisses, kneeling in front of her. "Sinabi mo out of town ka pero hindi saan, kanina ka pa tinatawag ni Inggo kung nakauwi ka na, nakailang tawag na rin ako pero hindi ka sumasagot. Dumiretso kaming office mo pero walang tao, wala ka rin sa bahay natin. Tangina, Valle, I almost went out of my mind, what the fuck were you thinking? Tapos gan'to pa ang itsura mo?"

"Walang batt phone ko. And I'm fine, sorry for cutting your trip short," she says. "Kita mo naman na I'm okay." She goes to stand up, pero pinigilan siya ulit ni Migo.

"Stay here," he says, standing up. "I'll get food. Kinuha ko na keys mo so don't think about leaving."

He leaves the room and shuts the door.

Jiya sags back against the pillows.

Bumalik si Migo may dalang sandwiches. He puts a plate in front of her. "Eat."

Kumain siya ng isang kagat. Ayaw na niya.

Migo's eyebrows furrow. "Ano 'yon?"

"Hindi ko na kaya," she says.

"Kumain ka pa o ako magsusubo sa 'yo."

Jiya wants to cry.

She forces another bite and gags.

Tumayo si Migo kaagad when she stands up and runs to the bathroom.

She sinks down on the floor and vomits in the toilet, tears in her eyes. Hindi na niya namalayan na Migo holds her hair back and strokes her back.

Jiya wipes her lips, flushes, and rinses her mouth with water. Pinanood siya ni Migo na mag-brush ng teeth. Her eyes are red.

Bumalik siya sa kama and humiga. And then her shoulders shake and she covers her face in her hands.

Wow. This is shit.

She doesn't move when she feels the bed dip, and Migo's hands come around her body, pulling her to him.

She stays as still as she can, crying in her hands, and Migo hugs her tighter, pressing his lips to her head.

Hindi niya alam gaano katagal siyang umiiyak. Migo holds her until her tears dry.

She looks at the wall. Her heart feels like it's being ripped to pieces. "Pagod na ako, Migo."

His breath is shaky. "Sa 'kin? Sa 'tin?"

Jiya shuts her eyes. Naalala niya na sinabi ni Migo na okay lang mapagod siya sa away.

Pero 'wag sa kanya at sa kanila.

"Do you still love me?" Migo whispers after a long while. Parang hinanap pa niya 'yong lakas para tanungin 'yon.

"I love you more than you love me," Jiya says. "Alam ko na ngayon."

"That's not fucking true."

"Look at me. You wrecked me. Away pa lang."

"Akala mo ba napapakasaya ako sa Baguio nang ganito tayo? I was as miserable as you were."

"Liar," Jiya whispers, angry. She fists the sheets with her fingers and turns around to face him. His eyes are red, too. "Liar." She hits his chest, sobbing. "You—you promised hindi ka aalis nang walang paalam," she cries, panting for air, hitting his chest again. "And then you did it again, and—and one day, I'll wake up and you'll leave me a fucking text message that says iiwan mo na 'ko, tangina mo, sobrang liar mo talaga—"

"Hindi kita iiwan," he bites out, holding her wrists when she hits him again.

"Ginawa mo na!" Jiya shouts brokenly. "Ginawa mo na, Migo, ayoko na, ayoko na—"

He grabs her face and kisses her.

Jiya cries harder, pushing him, sobbing, "Ayoko na, ayoko na, pagod na ako—"

"Kung pagod ka na, ako na muna ang magmamahal enough for both of us," Migo says fiercely, gripping her wrists to stop her from fighting him. "Please, Valle, stop fighting me."

Jiya's shoulders slump and she sinks into him, lungs desperate for air.

Migo holds her. "I'm sorry," he whispers. "Please, please, mahal na mahal kita."

"Liar," Jiya sobs.

"I'm not lying, stop doubting me. After all these years, Valle?"

"You stop doubting me, you don't trust me enough after all these years," she hisses in his chest. "Ayaw mo na kunin ko 'yong promotion dahil kay Gelo!"

"And you said you don't love work more than me!" Migo shouts back, and Jiya can hear the strain in his voice, the raw desperation in it.

"That's still true—"

"Then why are you choosing work? Why are you choosing him?"

"I'm not choosing Gelo, and you're the one making me choose work, you're giving me a fucking ultimatum." Jiya pushes him and stands up, chest heaving. "Simula pa lang, ito na ang problema natin, Migo, pero intindihin mo na important din sa 'kin ang career ko just as how important your career is important to you—"

She stops.

She's so tired.

Jiya takes a deep, shaky breath. Her fingers dig in her palms, and she shuts her eyes. "Can we just go home please?" she whispers.

Jiya sees Migo's Adam's apple move. "Yes," he answers hoarsely.

He helps her gather her things and get inside the car. He's not touching her, but he's close enough that she can feel the tension in his body. Later, Jiya will thank Inggo and apologize for crashing in his unit, but she doubts her best friend will care.

Jiya steps in the shower as soon as she enters their room, hunching over herself, head bowed. Ang gulo-gulo ng utak niya, ang sakit ng puso niya, and when her fingers clutch Migo's name around her neck, it suddenly feels so suffocating—but it burns to take it off. Like she'd miss the metal that's been branded on her skin for years.

Hindi siya gumalaw when the door opens and Migo steps in behind her. His hands are on her body, his breath on her nape. "I'm sorry I left without a word."

The words were barely audible beyond the running water.

"You did it to hurt me. And if hurting me doesn't hurt you, Migo, don't ever say you love me."

"I needed to think," he counters lowly. "I needed space. It wasn't easy for me—"

"You run the second you think I'm leaving you," Jiya hisses, not daring to look at him, keeping her voice stable beyond the raw ache in her words. "Inuunahan mo ako kasi natatakot ka. Hanggang ngayon. Hindi ko na alam ang pwede kong gawin para isaksak sa utak mo na mahal kita at ikaw lang."

He inhales shakily. "Marry me."

Jiya pushes him to get out of the shower. "No. You're asking for the wrong reasons."

Migo grips her wrist, and when she meets his eyes, she hates, hates how everything in her starts to crumble.

He's desperate. He's helpless.

She hates how her muscles stop fighting when he brushes his finger on her jaw, her mouth, and then her knees buckle and her breath catches in her throat when he kisses her, tastes her, holds her like she's weightless.

Hates how she's so weak when it comes to him. When it's him.

"Valle," Migo whispers, hands sliding down, and his fingers leave a trail of fire on every inch of skin that he touches—"I can't bear this. I can't bear it. Nararamdaman ko na pagod mo, nararamdaman ko na gusto mo na sumuko. Please don't. Please."

If it were possible, she'd hear the crack in his chest, in his ribs, the stutter of the beats of his heart when she doesn't answer. She keeps on kissing him, touching him, crying.

"I love you," she says instead, tears in her eyes, nothing but the truth in her voice.

Migo shuts his eyes tightly like he's in pain, and his hands grip her so hard he's making indentations of his touch on her hipbones, and he pushes forward and whispers, "I know."

*

Jiya wakes up tangled in Migo, and on another day, it will have been the perfect way to open her eyes.

She does it again. Traces her hands over his face—eyes, lashes, nose, cheeks, lips.

She's memorized this. His face. Etched it into memory, imagined what it'll look like when there's wrinkles and when the black of his hair will get washed out with gray. Jiya memorizes it again.

Under the covers, she finds his hands. Strokes his pinky with hers. Imagines how it'll feel like when it goes numb, how his hold will feel—unwavering and secure, matibay, and will he still hold her like she's going to slip away?

To the breadth of his chest, the slow rising and falling of his breathing. She spreads her shaking fingers over his skin and imagines how it'll feel when his body's turned weak and brittle, when his breathing becomes ragged with old age and the illnesses that come with it—and will he still have a heart that loves her?

Yes. Yes, he would. Nakakatakot magmahal si Migo. Nakakatakot ang pagmamahal ni Migo para sa kanya.

This time, Jiya lets Migo wake up before her. She lets him touch her face, her hands, her throat where his name is, feel her heartbeat under his palm. She almost shudders when she feels his lips on her forehead.

"You're my life," he whispers.

Nakakatakot na.

*

Jiya goes to work after breakfast with Migo and Manang. When she came down the stairs, he smiled brightly at her, eyes crinkling. Then he drops her off with a coffee tumbler and a note.

mornings with you make me so happy.
i love you so much. more than you can ever know.
have a good day at work baby!

Jiya keeps the note in her pocket and smiles at Gelo when they meet in his office. He asks her how she is and she answers, "Good," and they focus back on work even as Jiya feels Gelo warily watching her.

Inggo visits her at lunch with a tight hug. "I was worried about you," he mumbles in her hair, squeezing her tightly.

Jiya hugs him back, and her lower lip trembles. "Sorry for crashing your condo."

"Shut up," he says. Hugs her tighter. "I'm not changing the code."

In other words, she can crash whenever she wants. Jiya smiles and lets him dote over her sa mga pinapakain sa kanya.

Migo picks her up out front with a wide smile and a kiss. Jiya returns it, holds his hand, and plays with his fingers on her thigh as he drives. He tells her that he went grocery shopping today with Manang and that he's going to cook an amazing dinner for them both kasi matagal na siyang hindi nagluluto.

Jiya lets him do all the talking. She'll answer when he asks, she'll nod and hum to assure him she's listening—and he never talks about her work or Gelo or New York.

Migo climbs in bed after her and hugs her, kisses her shoulder. "How many guests?"

Jiya used to love it when he'd talk about their wedding. Ngayon, it makes her wince, and she's thankful Migo can't see her face. "Family and friends lang," she whispers.

Migo's smiling when he says, "Okay." His hand drops to her own, intertwining their fingers together, and Jiya doesn't miss the way he strokes her ring finger.

The next night, Migo asks, "Maid of honor? Akin si Inggo."

Her head is buried in his chest. She feels his heart quicken before and during he asks the question. It's a good thing he can't see her face. "I want both Van and Addie. Or si Mau. I don't know yet."

He hugs her tightly. "Mau will cry if you ask her."

Jiya doesn't talk about taking the job in New York anymore.

*

Migo picks her up for dinner and he's dressed so formally—a polo shirt and slacks—that Jiya stops walking toward him.

Migo closes the distance between them with a smile and presses a sweet kiss on her mouth. "Ready?"

Jiya is stiff the whole night. Her nerves have shriveled up. She's dreading the moment Migo finishes his meal and gets down on one knee, but he doesn't. He stands up after they pay for the bill, holds out his hand to her, and they walk out of the restaurant together.

Jiya thinks Migo hears her sigh of relief.

*

Pogi: baby
Pogi: my love
Pogi: my girl
Pogi: my wife
Pogi: my person
Pogi: hottest girl in the world
Pogi: im on call tonight so i wont be
able to see u til tomorrow UGHHHH

For a second, Jiya feels like their old selves. She finds that she's smiling at her phone from his message and that she's sad she won't be able to see him tonight.

She types her reply.

take care of urself love. have u
eaten?

Pogi: not yet, nap muna me sa on call
room. sabihin ko kay de paz na
sunduin ka, u didnt bring ur car and
kuya willy is with tito

Jiya frowns.

no na babe. pagod din si inggo,
nandyan na condo niya tapos
out of the way ako.

Pogi: mau, then.

migo.

Pogi: NO.

Jiya blinks at his message.

no? so ano, you don't trust me
anymore? feeling mo ill kiss
him sa car?

He takes a while to find an answer to that.

Pogi: i'm just not comfortable with it,
valle.

or takot ka na pag-usapan
namin ang new york? that he
convinces me?

Pogi: both. bakit, magpapaconvince
ka?

Jiya pushes her tongue inside her cheek and tosses her phone on the desk, running her fingers through her hair and closing her eyes.

When she takes too long to think of a reply, her phone rings.

Jiya answers it and stands up, catching sight of their framed photo on her desk, and moves in front of her window. "Migo."

"Magpapa-convince ka?" he almost bites out.

It's the first time they talk about this after that disaster sa condo ni Inggo.

Jiya hugs herself with one arm. "Migo, you remember you said you don't like it when I tiptoe around you about work?" she asks quietly. "Sabi mo hindi mo naman iisipin na gumagawa ako ng kalokohan. Sabi mo mas feeling mo na may tinatago ako when I do this kahit wala naman talaga."

He's silent.

"Has that changed?"

"I want to know about your work, Valle, of course I do," Migo whispers, strained. "I want to ask, I want you to tell me how your day went kasi your eyes light up when you do. I want to support you, I want to be there with you through your achievements and the times na nahihirapan ka, kasi gano'n din ang ginagawa mo for me."

Jiya swallows thickly. "But?"

Migo takes a deep breath and doesn't answer.

"I'll hitch a ride with one of the other editors. Si Hannah, on the way ang bahay natin," she mutters, looking at her shoes. "Only because I know you're not comfortable with me riding with Gelo. Not because of New York."

"Okay," Migo concedes. "Text me. I love you so much."

Her shoulders slump in defeat. Wala na talaga silang pagtutunguhan about her promotion sa New York. Migo doesn't want her to take it.

"Okay," Jiya whispers. "I love you more." She hangs up.

That more wasn't a mistake.

She drives to the hospital that night after changing into more comfortable clothes na may dalang pagkain for Migo and Inggo and the burrito blanket in case kailangan niya matulog pa sa on-call room. He hugs her tight, breathing in her scent, when he meets her in the parking, and presses his lips to her temple. "Thank you, baby," he mutters, squeezing her. "I can't wait to marry you."

Jiya tries her best not to let the words stiffen her. She smiles, pulls back, and kisses him softly. Sweetly. Migo presses his palm on her back, the other holding her face so gently. His eyebrows are furrowed when he kisses her harder.

"Umuwi ka na," he says in her mouth, kisses her again. "Baka hilain pa kita sa car."

Her smile becomes a real one. She brushes her fingers on his hair, moving the strands away from his forehead. "Don't share the blanket with anyone else."

Migo grins wickedly, and her heart jumps. "Wouldn't dream of it. Go. Text me when you're home." He slaps her butt when she turns around, and she rolls her eyes as she gets in.

In the morning, she feels his arms come around her and his lips on her forehead. He sighs in contentment, tangling his legs with hers. "I love coming home to you," Migo whispers, and Jiya allows herself to pretend to be asleep some more, waiting for his breaths to slow. Then she gets up to shower and cries under the water.

*

"I want to take it."

Gelo doesn't look surprised, but he doesn't smile either. "Okay."

Jiya tightens her grip on the door. "I...when are we leaving?"

He watches her face. "I'll let Sir Theo know muna of your decision and we can go from there."

She nods and swallows thickly. "Okay."

Gelo reaches out with one hand, but thinks about it and retracts, eyebrows together. "Do I need to have three plane tickets?" he asks quietly.

Jiya's numb when she answers, "No. Just two."

*

They spend the weekend lazing around together. They lie in bed until noon, with Migo's fingers tracing the sun on her skin from the window, and then they eat lunch in bowls on the sofa with a show they don't care about playing on the TV. Then they play cards and laugh and Migo makes love to her on the couch before they shower.

Sa lahat ng times that he takes her since no'ng away nila sa condo ni Inggo, nakatalikod si Jiya.

But then Migo makes love to her again on the bed and pushes her on her back before she can turn around. Her face is turned towards his, legs to her chest as his hands grip her hips. "Honeymoon?"

No, no, no, no.

The past few nights, ang mga tanong ni Migo puro preparations for the wedding: food, cake, flowers, color scheme. Ngayon lang siya nagtanong about after. And during sex.

Jiya whimpers as he thrusts deep inside her, panting. "Valle," he grunts, one hand keeping her leg apart from the other and the other hand traveling to her face, to her neck, not once slowing his pace and it is torturous in its pleasure. "Saan mo gusto ang honeymoon?"

"Migo," she breathes out pathetically, chokes on a cry when he pulls out and slides in again mercilessly. "Migo, fuck—"

"Look at me," he demands when she shuts her eyes, tries to keep from sobbing because he won't stop asking—"Where, Valle?"

Jiya meets his eyes, trying to catch her breath while the pleasure and the pain mix inside her body, and she's so, so gone she's mumbling incoherent words—his name, please, fuck, please.

She doesn't answer his question. She can't.

"Say you love me," Migo bites out as he slows, but he gets in deeper, and there's sweat marring his forehead and he looks desperate and fucking vulnerable. "Look at me, tell me you love me and fucking mean it."

"I love you," Jiya cries, digging her nails in his back while the other fists the sheet, teary eyes meeting his. "I love you, I love you—Migo!" Her shriek almost ends up a wail when he holds her hips down and slams in relentlessly.

Jiya pulls her legs up to her chest and turns away from him the moment he pulls out after their release. She's hunched over and sobbing, clutching the blanket that feels like sandpaper on her body.

Migo lets her cry in silence until he finally says, "You couldn't answer me."

"You were manipulating me during sex!" she yells, her throat scratchy and her mouth dry. "You knew I was vulnerable and you were ripping me apart, taking advantage of it!"

"Ano pa ang gusto mo gawin ko when you can't even look me in the fucking eye when you say you love me?" Migo shouts back, and she hears the rustling of his clothes, hastily pulling them on. "Alam mo ba 'yon, Valle? You don't look at me anymore!"

Jiya dresses hurriedly as well, her legs and hands shaking. "I need space." Her lip is trembling. "I'll drive to Inggo's. Don't follow me."

Migo watches her go.

Jiya's still crying when she punches in his code, pero hindi pa siya tapos when it slams open. Inggo is shirtless, his hair is a mess, and he's squinting. "Ji?"

"Is Mau here?" Her voice comes out as a whisper.

"No." Inggo's eyes travel around her face and her body down to her toes. "I can call—"

Jiya sobs and launches herself at him for a hug, shoulders shaking in her violent cry.

Inggo holds her tight, stroking her back and her hair. "Shit, Ji," he breathes out shakily. "Let's go inside."

Jiya doesn't remember how she falls asleep in her tears, but Inggo tucks her in bed and sits beside the edge, holding her hand.

*

Migo is waiting outside their door when she shuts off the engine.

Inggo was insistent this morning na ihatid siya, pero sabi ni Jiya mag-aaway lang silang magkaibigan. Nakita niya how pissed off Inggo is sa best friend niya.

Jiya brushes past him without as much as a look and walks up the stairs to their room. Migo follows behind, quiet and anxious, and it's only when papunta na siya sa closet that he puts his arms around her. "Valle, I'm sorry."

She forgave him na kagabi pa. She hugs him back. "Okay," she whispers.

Migo freezes in her hold. When he pulls back, his eyes are wild. "I can't bear this anymore," he grits out, parang hirap na hirap siyang ilabas ang bawat salita. "I can't. Sinabi ko na ako muna ang magmamahal sa 'ting dalawa kasi pagod ka na, pero hindi ko na kaya. I need you back."

Jiya stares at his face. Memorizes it. Tries to remember his easy smile and his laugh and the happiness in his eyes bago sila—bago sila naging ganito.

"Valle." He shakes her, his nails biting her skin. He's panicking. "Valle, please. I need you. You aren't—" Migo swallows the lump in his throat as he grips her tighter. "Valle, you came back. You came back to me and you're not leaving, right?"

She didn't know when her necklace of his name suddenly felt like a chain.

Jiya doesn't say anything.

Migo trembles in his panic. "Please, Valle, don't leave. Don't leave me. Don't. 'Wag ka sumuko, please, please, putangina, please—"

"Stop," she whispers, but he doesn't hear her.

"Don't leave. Don't leave me, I need you, you can't—"

"Stop!" Jiya shouts, trying to catch her breath. "Migo, stop. Natatakot akong makinig sa 'yo if you keep saying—"

"Don't leave, don't leave." Migo cups her face, shaking his head, keeps on muttering like a prayer. "You can't leave me, you can't. I need you, stay with me, stay—"

"Stop!" She pushes him away with her hands on his chest, but he doesn't budge. Doesn't even move. "Migo, you want to chain me here!"

There's no use denying it. Migo stares at her.

"Your family is here, your work is here, but ako...my dream is there—"

"I'm here!" Migo yells, and Jiya flinches. "Isn't that enough?"

Jiya stares at him through her tears. "Pinipigilan mo ba ako sa career ko when I have been nothing but supportive of yours?"

His breath is shaky when he inhales. "I'll go with you. I'll follow you, I'll continue my residency there. I'll look at the fucking house options, I won't say shit about Gelo—"

"No. Hindi tayo matatapos. Sinasabi mo lang 'yan ngayon, pero uuwi ako sa 'yo tapos mag-aaway na naman tayo about him and you won't fucking stop as long as we work together or until I quit or until I marry you."

"So marry me—"

"No, fucking hell, ano ba!" Jiya sobs loudly. "You're making me marry you for the wrong reasons! You're suffocating me! Tangina, Migo!"

"Don't leave me." Oh, God. Oh, God. He's crying. He slumps down on the floor, and his knees hit the ground, and it makes an awful, awful sound. "Valle, don't leave me."

He's begging on his knees.

"Valle, please, please don't leave me, please—"

"Stop, stop, stop," she whispers, shaking her head. "I love you too much that I'd choose you over my career. Over my dream. Over myself. And even if you followed me, you would still put a leash on me."

"Jiya!" Migo screams, bowing his head, pressing his nails on her palms, gripping her hands. "Jiya, 'wag mo gawin sa 'kin 'to, please. Don't leave me."

Her given name on his lips, on his knees, breaks her.

His shoulders shake and she feels like he's going to break her wrists. "You said you'd choose me, you said you'd choose me every day, you said you fucking meant it—"

"I won't choose you over myself," she whispers. "It hurts loving you and your love hurts me. Migo." She kneels down and cups his face, and he looks at her, and his eyes are dead and terrified and desperate and miserable—and this, this is what she's doing to him. "Migo, I love you."

"Stop lying," he chokes out.

"I love you," she repeats, firmer this time, keeping her eyes on his. "I love you. I have never lied about that."

"If you leave, if you walk out this door and take the job in New York," Migo starts fiercely, head raising to look at her, and his eyes are bloodshot and sore and angry, "it will break me."

"If I don't," Jiya whispers, "you will break me."

Migo will never forgive her for this, but she will never forgive herself—and him—if she stays.

So she doesn't.

*

New York is colder. Lonelier.

She stands in front of her oven and stares at what she made. Inhales the smell.

Jiya takes one spoonful in her mouth, swallows, and then cries.

First time niyang gumawa ng champorado mag-isa.

It doesn't taste right.

*

sobrang sorry sdhsfkhsf penge naman comments!

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