Jungkook? Why is he calling me at this hour?

I pick up as soon as I know this is him. "Jungkook?" I struggle to let my voice out and close my eyes. "Hmm..." he does not say anything but only emits some deep noise. "My little one..." he sighs through the microphone, and this nickname triggers something inside of me. He has never called me that before. "I wanna...I wanna ask something...to you..." he seems to have a hard time saying simple sentences, making me feel like he is not alright. "What is happening, Jungkook? Are you okay?"

"I'm not okay...I fucking...like— Ugh, fuck me..." he slurs his words, and I figure out. "Are you drunk?"

"Yeah...and it feels fucking good," he does not even deny it, his state exposing everything. "Jungkook...it's not good for you...Why did you?"

"I feel like shit..." he groans, sounding very intoxicated and lost. "Why? What makes you feel like that?"

"You know...I've been thinking about you a lot...and it's just...uhm...like, I mean...I'm a fucking asshole, but also, that guy, Math— Matt something..." he mispronounces some of his words, slowly letting out some stuff he probably would not want me to know if he was sober. "I feel like you're getting so close with each other...like...together...you know?"

"Yes, as friends. It's just that Eve and I don't talk anymore, so Matt is with me more often now," I tell him the truth, not getting why he seems very focused on something so small. "Why though? Why the fuck is he, like, all of a sudden, so clingy with you?"

"He's not. It seems like it because Eve is not around anymore, so I only talk about him, but he's not. He's really sweet," I make sure he does not dislike him for no good reason, misunderstanding for sure. "Are you bothered by it?"

"I don't know...it just...I'm scared," he expresses some of his feelings. "Scared of what?"

"He's gonna take you away from me...I'm so fucking scared to lose you, y/n..." his voice quivers, and my heart breaks at the sound of what I believe to be the truth he never wants to admit. "I don't want you to leave me too...You're the only one I care about in my life. You're like...you make me feel so good...you help me so much...You're like...the only reason why I wanna wake up in the morning...I can't lose you..."

"Jungkook, you won't lose me. No one's gonna take me away from you. Don't have such thoughts, please," I reassure him for the first time, feeling very affected by what he is getting off his chest. "I'm exactly like my fucking ex said...I'm just a possessive fucker..."

"Don't say that. You're not," I do not allow him to speak of himself that way when his ex was nothing but a problem. "You say that 'cause you don't know how I am in a relationship. Listen...last night..." he pauses without ending his sentence, so I wait, silently. "No...wait, when did I jerk off?" he mumbles to himself but makes my jaw drop. "Jungkook, don't talk about that."

"What?" he genuinely shows some confusion as if this was not evident, so I prevent him from saying things he should not reveal. "Don't talk about that stuff with me. You don't want to, you're gonna regret it in the morning."

"The fuck you mean? I jerk off every day, it's as normal as peeing," he worsens the moment for me while he cannot even realize what he is saying. "Yeah, whatever," I do not lead him towards further details, and he sighs. "What? Are you disgusted by it?"

"No, I'm not, but I know you wouldn't talk about it if you weren't drunk, so stop," I try to shut him up, fearing tomorrow and how awkward this will be to face him. "I'm not drunk, what are you are talking about?" he does not even speak properly anymore.

"You literally said the opposite a minute ago," I keep my voice as low as possible at the sight of some sudden light passing through the gap between the floor and my door. "No, I didn't. Stop lying to me."

I sharply breathe out to exhale some frustration but cannot help smiling. "Sure, let's move on. What did you want to tell me about last night?" I check the bottom of my door to check if someone is walking past my bedroom or eavesdropping. "Last night? Nothing, I just jerked off to you."

The lights in the hallway leaving for the darkness to take over, I stare into space and cannot process what left his mouth. "Why did you call me, Jungkook?"

"I dreamed of you, I wanted to hear your voice..." he calms down and does not mention anything private, so I try to keep it that way. "Does it help you feel better?"

"Yeah. It always helps me. That's why I love the weekend...I know you're gonna be here, near me, and...like...I hate the feeling, but it makes me feel so fucking good...vulnerable, and I love feeling like a baby with you..." he spills a lot, speaking so slow that it soothes me. "I deny it because I don't like being a bottom, but ugh...your hugs and kisses..." he lets out a moan but which does not sound so lewd. "You always push me away and seem annoyed though."

"Cause it either makes me way too weak or turns me on, especially right in the morning—"

"Alright, I've heard enough," I interrupt him and cover my face with my arm. "You need to sleep, Jungkook."

"I can't..." he speaks without even trying. "I need you here."

"I'll be there tomorrow," I rub my eye and keep them closed. His words, confessions, and what I believe to be the truth are making me feel some type of way. "Are you gonna give me your attention?"

"I will," I smile, finding him adorable. "And are you gonna hug and kiss me?"

"Yes, I'll give you kisses and hugs," I confirm what he seems to be hoping for. "I wanna wake up to you holding me..."

"I'll come early just to do it, I promise," I give him my word. "But only if you sleep tight."

"I'll try..." he breathes out and groans right into the microphone. "If I come pick you up right now—"

"You're drunk, so no," I stop him right away, not letting this happen. "I'm not drunk."

"Again, you said the opposite five minutes ago, and I know you are," I do not believe his obvious lie, and he complains. "But you don't understand...! I'm sober enough to talk to you, so I'm sober enough to drive."

"No, Jungkook. Why do you absolutely need to see me today? Has something happened to you, are you not feeling good?" I turn my lamp on to not remain in the complete dark anymore. "I wanna be with you. It's your fault. If you didn't sleep with me last weekend, I wouldn't be feeling like that every night again."

I do not answer but think. He has already called me while being drunk, he already told me he wanted to have me near, but it never went that far.

I love to know I have this type of effect on him by just being me, but this is a guilty feeling I have since it causes him pain.

"Y/n..." he softly groans my name, and I sit up on my bed. "I'm coming," I sigh and get up. No matter what time it is, I cannot leave him like that.

"You're coming now? But it's night...it's dangerous for you. Don't do that," he contradicts himself by not agreeing with my decision, so I reassure him. "I'm fine. I'll call an Uber. See you in a few minutes," I hang up to not hear him go against what I say, and I hurry to put on some pants over my shorts.

30 minutes later...

I enter the house after a car ride and lock the door behind me, and I take my shoes off. No light is on, so I leave it like that and make my way upstairs without waiting, hoping for Jungkook to be alright and not busy doing something I would not want to stumble upon.

My feet bringing me to the first floor, I head to his door and softly knock on it, then I go in. He is lying down on his bed, not doing anything. He turns his head towards me, slowly, and I move up to him.

"Y/n," he stretches his hand out to me and grabs mine, nearly missing what a sober person would catch with no problem. "I'm here. Are you okay?" I take my pants off to remain in my shorts, feeling hot after hurrying, and I join him on the sheets. "The room...the ceiling keeps moving," he covers his face and rubs it, and a sigh escapes me. "Did you take some pills too?" I lie down and brush his hair back.

"I don't know," he shakes his head and pulls his blanket up to cover himself as much as possible, and he inches closer to me to completely press his fully naked body against mine. "I'm so fucking cold..."

This is pretty hard to understand what he is saying. He is slurring his words so much and mumbling through them that I am now even more worried than earlier. "Should I call an ambulance?"

"No, why the fuck would you?" he nestles his head in my chest and tightly holds me in his arms. "You're not okay."

"I'm okay," he denies it. "Now that you're here. I'm feeling good."

I stay quiet and put my head down on the pillow, and I wrap my arms around him as well.

— Next day —

Saturday, May 8th, 2021.

8:30 am.

Waking up from a deep sleep, I struggle to open my eyes but feel something move against me. I check what Jungkook is doing but catch him putting the blanket back properly. "What the fuck happened last night?"

I frown and close my eyes again. "You got drunk."

"And? Why are you in my bed when I'm naked?" he fears that something serious might have happened, so I look at him and calm him down. "You called me, said a lot of stuff, so I had to come here. You were nearly begging me to come."

"What did I tell you about that already?" he gets mad at me and sits up. "If I'm drunk, you don't come to my house. Let alone if I'm naked in my bed. You don't know what I could do."

I do not say what is on my mind to not start a fight, I turn to my right side and keep resting while he is getting out of the bed. "What stuff did I even tell you?"

"It doesn't matter," I push the cover down to my hips. "Yes, it fucking does. What did I tell you?"

"You wanted me near you because you couldn't sleep and all," I do not reveal the worst he let out of his mouth since this would embarrass him. "That's all?"

"I can't remember everything," I lie to him for a good reason. "I know you're not being honest, but whatever I told you, it's bullshit that I always let out when I'm drunk."

I pretend to not feel any type of way about this and ignore the pain this causes. I do not believe him, but if it actually is true, it will hurt me.

"Alright?" he asks me to swallow his falsehood, so I act like I do. "Yeah."

He does not say anything anymore but heaves a sharp sigh, and I feel his body lie down behind me again.

The room remaining silent, I stay still and try to go back to sleep, but he makes some noise. "Have I touched you...? Said or done anything wrong?" he worries way too much. "No, you didn't."

"Promise me, y/n," he does not trust my words, so I repeat with the same answer. "I promise you."

He does not stay but moves on the mattress, so I lie down on my back and look at what he is doing. He leaves the bed after putting his sweatpants back on, and he heads up to his bathroom.

•••

9:50 am.

While eating some cereals for breakfast with Jungkook, I raise my eyes up to him, and he does it too at the exact same moment.

"Does it bother you that I spend a lot of time with Matt?" I question him about it, recalling last night's talk. He gives me a pretty unfriendly look and eats more of his meal. "No. Why would I?"

"I don't know," I shrug and glance down at my bowl. "You mentioned it in the call."

"I told you not to take anything I say in a drunk state seriously," he uses this as a protection, but I refuse to accept it as the truth. "Hm," I take a full spoon and stare at him to read through his body language, and he fixes his eyes on me too. "And I thought you couldn't remember everything. Uh? You didn't talk about that earlier when I asked."

"I forgot but just remembered, for real though," I mean it, aware of how unreliable my brain can be. "Yeah, sure."

"Why are you angry today?" I rest my jaw on my fist, leaving my spoon in the rest of my meal. "I'm not angry, I'm just upset about the fact you don't listen to me."

I make our eye contact linger for a few more seconds before saying a word. "You don't listen either. I care about you, and I can't stop doing it."

"That's the problem. I don't want you to care about me. I don't know how I act when I'm drunk. I can't even remember anything the morning after, so I could do things to you that I'd never do if I was sober. Why can't you understand that?"

"I understand it, but I don't care. I just want to be there for you, and someone good doesn't turn into a monster just because of some alcohol. You've never done anything wrong," I state with no doubt, knowing the drunk him more than he does. "You're not that naive, y/n. Stop trying to look the other way. Just because I haven't done anything yet doesn't mean I won't. Especially in a situation like last night. I'm not saying I'll get violent or something like that, but I know what I have on my mind, and this can become worse when I'm drunk."

"What do you have on your mind?" I move my head away from my fist and question him about this point of the sentence only. "I won't talk about it. Just listen to me and hang up if I call you when I'm drunk."

"No," I do not comply, but he abruptly drops his hand on the table and sighs. "Y/n. I'm fucking serious."

"I am too," I nod and share the same feeling. "Fine, I'll turn my phone off next time," he grabs his bowl and stands up, leaving me alone at the table. He drops the empty dish in the sink and makes his way out on the balcony.

Him behaving and reacting that way hurts me a lot, but I know why he does it, so I need to learn how to not take it personally all the time.

20 minutes later...

Noticing he has been smoking outside and staring off into space, I do not stay where I am but open the sliding glass door, and he hears me. He turns around to take a peek, then looks away, so I remain quiet at first.

I do not remark on what he is doing, when was the last time he did it, or anything similar that could annoy him.

I keep all my attention over him and cross my arms, and I lean on the door frame while listening to the birds chirping and brightening the mood up.

Jungkook stubs his cigarette out but stays in the same position, with his back turned to me.

"I'm sorry, I was an asshole. I didn't mean to," he apologizes for his actions, and I disregard everything. "It's okay."

"It's not. I know why you do all this just for me, that's the reason why I get upset, but I shouldn't speak to you like that when you just wanna be here for me," he proves me that he does not ever mean doing what he does out of lack of control. "It's fine, Jungkook. Don't worry about it. I understand you."

"Don't say that. My mood or problems are not an excuse," he turns around and leaves the ashtray on a table but gazes at me. "And you shouldn't be okay with it either."

"And what if I want to?" I look up into his eyes, and he slides his hands in the pockets of his trousers while coming closer to me. "You do it only because it's me, don't you? You wouldn't accept it if it was another person."

"You're right, and there's nothing wrong about it," I keep my chin up to maintain eye contact with him, his tall body nearly touching mine. "There is. Just because I'm the one doing it doesn't mean it's alright. If I'm an asshole, you have the right to call me out on it and be mad, you know?"

"I can't be," I cannot tell him what he wants to hear, and he drops his attention to my lips. A heavy exhalation runs out of his nose, and he swallows. "Go back inside."

I turn around and step towards the sofa, and we both end on it.

We do not speak, but I set my eyes on him, and he does the same, his head resting on the back of the sofa.

We both stare at each other for a moment, and a smile curves his lips up. "Were you really honest with me about last night?"

I nod, and he raises his head up. "Are you sure? Didn't I do or say anything else?"

I think more thoroughly before answering, and out of guilt, I let it out. "You just said some dumb stuff, oh yeah, and you talked about how much you like it when I kiss and hug you," I cannot help smiling but see that the same feeling seems to be growing inside of him too. "And what weird stuff?"

I shrug to make it obvious this is not serious, and I attempt to drift away from this question. "Do you really not mean what you say?"

Nothing leaves his mouth, and his eyes lower to my lips. "Why does it matter? I said something that you can't stop thinking about, didn't I?"

"No, I'm just wondering," I say with sincerity, and he glances away. "It depends. Sometimes I really say some bullshit, sometimes I say some stuff I mean but keep to myself. I don't know."

"So you meant what you told me about the kisses and hugs?" I bring this back up and smile, and he stares deep into my eyes. "I don't know. I won't know unless you tell me what weird stuff I talked about."

"It's embarrassing, I don't want to tell you," I refuse to expose him after he unconsciously did it himself, and he sighs at me. "Tell me, y/n."

I drop my head on the back of the sofa, my heart already speeding up at the thought of what is coming. "You just...You talked about doing some stuff...while thinking about me...you know..." I pause way too often through my sentence and struggle.

For a moment, he remains quiet and frozen, making this even more awkward.

"See, this type of stuff is bullshit," he moves his legs and slides his hands in his pockets, and I turn my head to set my attention over him. "You seemed very serious and honest about it though."

"I wasn't," he does not look in my direction anymore but grabs his phone. "But about the kisses and hugs?" I do not give up, willing to know if this was a lie or not.

Probably aware of how desperate I am, he grins, showing some amusement and perhaps, even some satisfaction. "You want to know?" he finally makes eye contact. "Hm?" he smiles and gazes down at my lips. "I do."

"But you won't," he drops his phone on the coffee table. "Come on!" I punch his arm out of frustration, knowing how much he enjoys torturing me. "I won't stop asking if you don't tell me."

"I'll shut you up, it's not a problem," he pretends to not care or be bothered by it, so I lean over him and wrap my arms around him. "You know you can't shut me up, so stop playing and tell me."

"No," he refuses, his intimidating eyes remaining fixed on mine from very close. "Jungkook."

"Y/n," he softens his voice and approaches his face from mine to reduce the gap between them. "I'm gonna be upset and sad. You wouldn't want me to feel that way, do you?"

"This ain't gonna work," he smirks, not giving in to me. "Jungkook, Jungkook..." I repeat his name nonstop, pissing myself off when he should be the annoyed one, and I push my body against his to crush him and rub my hand over his torso.

Without even reacting, or barely showing emotions, he does not glance away from me but smiles as I keep saying his name over and over again.

Getting tired of pronouncing the same exact word, I quieten my voice and whisper, feeling like I will end up stopping before he even becomes annoyed.

"You'll never be kind with me," I give up and lean over him to rest my arms over his lap and put my head over them. "I told you it wouldn't work," he runs his fingers through my hair, and after such a defeat, I stay silent and close my eyes to focus on the caresses he is giving me on the neck after brushing my hair away from my skin.

"I do like it," he speaks in a delicate voice and finally gives me what I was hoping for, and my heart melts. "I'm happy you do."