"I don't fucking need it. I don't need you, and I won't ever want you to be by my side again, got it?" I hurl the horrible words out to drift her apart from me, to provoke some hatred inside her, but the pain that I can read upon her face tortures me, so I walk away and go back inside the house.

I look around the house for Nolan as I can hear she is following me, and as soon as I notice him on one of the sofas, I tell him I am leaving. He nods in understanding, says goodbye, and I leave.

"Why do you keep running away from me when you do everything to make me stay in your life?!" she cries out as I walked out. I ignore her and hurry towards my car.

"Jungkook!" she shouts my name in one of most heartbreaking ways, as I stopped in front of the driver's door. She pushes herself between me and the car, locking eyes with me. "Please...Just wait..." she sobs, her voice cracking with emotion. This moment reminds me of that one last fight we had. That one I cannot get out of my head. Nothing else could be worse.

"I know you lied about Luca, you jerk. I know you're working on yourself just for me. I know you're questioning Matthew about me and everything I'm doing. I don't understand what you want exactly," she says, her voice trembling with anger and hurt. "If you don't want me anymore, why can't you live without knowing about how or what I'm doing? Why are you still wearing that ring? My chain? And our bracelet? Why do you try to know if I'm in a relationship?!"

I stare at her without saying anything, the tears growing in my eyes no matter how hard I try to fight against them. I feel a lump forming in my throat, my heart sinking as I realize that she will probably never be able to love again because of me.

"Are you not gonna talk to me?!" she throws her hands into my stomach, her voice breaking as she looks up at me with tears in her eyes. "I don't want to talk."

"You don't want to talk...?" she repeats in a weak whisper. As I feel like breaking down, she locks eyes with me and feigns a smile. One of the most painful ones I ever had to see. "Fine," she nods. "If that's what you want, I'll stop. I'll leave you alone. I won't text you anymore. I won't try anymore. I won't hope for you to come back anymore, but I can assure you that Luca and Matthew will never let you know a single fucking thing about me and my life again."

My jaw clenches as tears blur my vision, and then she hits me again. "I hate you," she walks away. I grasp her arm and draw her back to me, seeking answers desperately. "Why did Matthew tell me you and Luca had sex? Why did this son of a bitch tell me you've been flirting with each other?"

She remains silent, the path of her tears still visible on her cheeks. She throws her arm away from my hold, and her gaze does not express the same emotions anymore. "That's the only thing you dare tell me?"

"Just answer me," I speak in a much calmer voice, trying to keep my composure despite the storm brewing inside me. "My friends were right..." she looks at me without blinking and adds, "You'll never change..."

"You take that back, y/n," I demand, feeling my heart shatter at the sound of what left her mouth. "I do not ever want to hear that from you ever again," the tears escaping my eyes betray me. "You won't. You won't ever hear anything from me again in your life."

With no more word, she steps away from me, but I do not keep quiet anymore. "Why can't you fucking stop loving me?" I scream after her and continue as she turned around. "Why is it so fucking hard to stop loving an asshole like me who never treated you right?!"

"Because I'm a dumb girl?" she responds, coming back closer to me. "Because I fell in love with a guy who never truly loved me back and-"

"Don't you fucking dare say that," I clench my fist, not holding back my tears anymore. "I always loved you more than anything in this world."

"More than your pills, alcohol, or cigarettes?" she breaks me apart with a few words. I know I was not a good boyfriend. I know I was an asshole for letting my addictions and issues destroy us both, but hearing it from her is much more painful than I ever could have imagined.

As she stares into my eyes after leaving me speechless and unable to even find the words to say, I swallow hard and wipe my tears away. "Is that the only thing you remember from us? That I never loved you? That I was too miserable to choose you over some drug?" I ask, unable to mask the hurt in my voice.

"I can only remember you pushing me away constantly, getting angry at me...then getting drunk...ignoring me...making me feel like I was too clingy, annoying, like I was never good enough to take you away from all that shit..." her voice trembles as I cannot even stop myself from crying anymore. "But despite all that, I still think about you every day...I still hope you're gonna come back and tell me you're ready to have me in your life again...to love me...And I'm so dumb for that, aren't I?"

"You...You have the right to feel that way...but I don't want you to ever doubt the fact I love you and always did. You're the only reason why I fucking wake up in the morning and don't give up on everything," I let my feelings out. "You're the only thing keeping me alive. I wasn't able to show it to you because I was scared, and you know it, but I swear I always loved you sincerely."

"But you leave every time I ask you to come back. You keep me in your life, but you keep yourself out of mine.." she says, her voice now sounding so drained and out of hope. "I want you to find someone better, y/n."

A bitter smile grows on her face as she shakes her head. "I can't..." she puts an end to this and leaves. The weight of her words lingering in the air.

I watch her walk back inside the house, feeling a mix of anger and sadness consume me. The tears streaming down my face as I rush back to my car, I slam the door and turn the ignition on. My heart is pounding, my hands are shaking uncontrollably, and I cannot stop crying.

As I realize the mistake I just made, I notice her again. She hurries out of the house, followed by Matthew. He grabs her arm halfway and pulls her back. His hands on her face as I can tell, even from where I am, that she is crying her eyes out.

He comforts her and holds her in his arm, and I turn away. I drive away from this place and open the glove box. I look for my pills and grab the box, open it, and throw two pills in my mouth. The familiar bitter taste floods my mouth as I swallow them dry, hoping they will numb the pain.

As I drive further away, the guilt and regret only intensify, weighing heavily on my chest.

10 minutes later...

I bang at the door I am facing, my heart still aching, my eyes stinging. The door slowly opens, and Luca stands in front of me, his expression a mix of confusion and concern. "Jungkook?"

"Did you have sex with y/n?" I struggle to breathe. "Did you kiss her? Do you like her? Please, tell me something happened between you two. You've been flirting, right?" I ask, desperate to find a way to end everything I deal with. "What? What the hell happened, Jungkook? Nothing happened between her and me."

"Please..." I beg him. "Call her...Bring her here and take her in your arms...Take care of her and make her fall in love, I'm begging...Just take me out of her fucking head, make her forget me, and make her love again...make her feel loved..." I crouch down and hide my face in my arms, overwhelmed by emotions.

I cannot handle this anymore. I have tried and tried so many times, but I still feel so fucked up no matter what.

"Come in and let's talk," he pulls me back up and leads me inside. I know that he is genuinely trying to help me, but I just cannot seem to shake this feeling of hopelessness. I just do not know how to escape it if I do not have her with me.

"You saw her at the party, didn't you?" he asks as I dropped my body on his sofa. I hold my head in my hands and stare down at the floor. "Yes...She was so beautiful, she seemed happy...then she saw me...And it looked like...like if she had seen the most horrible person on earth..."

"Did you talk?" he guesses. "We fought. I said some horrible words to try and make her stop loving me, but..." I sigh and catch my breath. "I'm an asshole, Luca. She doesn't deserve to feel that way."

He breathes out and rubs his fingers over his lips, but his dog, Lily, comes up to me. She nudges my hand with her wet nose, as if sensing my distress, and drops her head on my thigh. Finding comfort in her presence, I pet her, and Luca's phone rings on the coffee table.

The screen exposes the name of the person. This is y/n.

He grabs his phone and looks at me. "Answer her, but put her on speaker," I tell him, and he does it. "Why on speaker?"

"I wanna hear her," I reply, not understanding why this seems to be a problem. He swallows and picks up the call. "Hey," he holds the phone near his mouth as I keep quiet. "Hey, Luca. Could you...I mean," she clears her throat, her voice telling me she is trying to hide her crying. "I won't bother you with this anymore, I promise, but I said something I didn't mean to Jungkook earlier at the party. Could you tell him I don't hate him and that I was just upset?"

Luca peeks at me as the pain spread through my chest again. "Yeah, I'll tell him. Don't worry about it. Are you okay though? Did you not enjoy the party?"

"I'm okay, I just need you to promise me something, please," she lies. I know she is not okay, and Luca can hear it as well. "Sure. Tell me."

"After you told Jungkook I didn't mean those words, I want you to never talk about me again. I want you to not tell him anything about me anymore, please...I need you to promise me," she asks him, and without even looking at me for an answer, he replies, "I won't. I promise he won't know anything anymore. And I won't talk about you either."

"Thank you, Luca..." she says, my heart beating hard. "No need to. I respect what you want."

There is no way he can keep this promise. He knows how much I need to hear about her.

"Are you...busy or something tonight though?" she asks, and I notice him moving his fingers in a nervous way. "I...I'm not. Why?"

Why does he seem uncomfortable?

"Can I sleep at your house tonight, please?" she makes it sound like it is casual between them, as if this was not the first time. "Tell me if you have other plans, or if you just want to be alone, it's okay."

"No, you can come," he accepts, licking his lips and touching his throat. "Is it because you're not feeling good?"

"Hm...I don't want to be alone," she answers, not helping me feel less suspicious. "What about Matthew? Wasn't he with you at the party? Where are you right now?"

"I'm at my house. He wanted to stay, but I just wanna be with you instead," she shows some attachment, making me feel even more hurt. I wish I was the one she would say those words to. "Why? Did something happen with him?"

"Not really..." she does not give a clear answer. "Okay, it's alright. You can come and sleep here if you want," he looks down. "Can I come now?"

His eyes dart in my direction to ask me what to say, and I nod.

"Yeah, sweetheart. I'm coming to pick you up," he answers. "No, I'll call an Uber. Don't bother, please."

"I don't like knowing you in an Uber at this hour. It's not safe," he turns the speaker off to not let me hear anything anymore, and he stands up. Lily still cuddling me, I look at her but realize what is happening. I am actually losing her for good. I do not think I could handle not hearing about her at all. I cannot.

"See you, sweetheart," he hangs up and slides his phone in his pocket, turning around to look at me. "I gotta pick her up, but you-"

"Does she often sleep here?" I cut him off, nibbling on my inner cheek. "I...No. She- She only does it when she doesn't wanna be alone, or that...I wanna spend some time with her too."

I stare at him, understanding by those words that he has been hiding this from me. "Why haven't you told me about it...?"

"I didn't want you to assume anything," he replies, seeing through my body language how hurt and betrayed I feel. "Listen...Nothing happened. I promise, we're just friends. We just stay together sometimes because we both live alone, and we'd rather be around each other, but she always asks about you. She's still in love-"

"No need to explain yourself," I stand up and do not say anything. I know I do not have the right to be upset or mad at him. "You both can do whatever you want," I pet Lily and head towards the door. "Jungkook...Please, don't be mad."

"I'm not mad," I glance at him and open the door. "Genuinely. I'm not mad. I just feel like you're not honest with me. That's all."

"Not honest about what?" he cannot see it the same way I do. "About what you feel for her. You literally said she comes here when you wanna spend time with her. You've never asked a girl to do that. Not even me, even though I'm your best friend."

"Jungkook. She's a friend and nothing more. She loves you," he states, trying to reassure me but avoiding the point of this talk. "But you love her, don't you?"

He clenches his jaw and looks straight into my eyes. "I don't love her."

A faint smile grows on my face as I can tell he is lying. Lying to me, or maybe even himself. Either way, he will not fool me because I know him too well. "Can you promise me you don't?"

His eyes switch between mine at a faster pace, and he breaks eye contact for a brief moment. "Why don't you believe me?"

"Luca. I can't stand that damn Milly girl, but I'll never forget that night. She was right. The way you looked at her. The way you touched her. It was so obvious, but nine months have passed, so I cannot even imagine-"

"Stop," he interrupts me, and some sudden sadness fills his eyes. "Please, just stop talking about this," he says, his voice cracking with emotion. "I want her to be with you. I just want you both to be happy because I care about you both equally."

I did not expect to feel this type of heartache. I have never seen him so vulnerable and pained before.

"You'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't go back to her, apologize, and make it work. You'll never find a girl like her ever again. You know she'll never be able to love that deeply again if it's not you," he says, meaning every word as I can feel his emotions through them. "Please. Just take it slow and give it another chance. Don't let her go. You made mistakes, but you're still so young, you'll learn from them as you both grow up together."

His words hit me hard, making me realize the gravity of the situation and the importance of not losing someone so special. I know deep down that he is right, and that I need to fight for her.

"Go to her house instead of me," he goes back on his sofa.

I know if I do not do it, I will lose her forever.

"You're the one she wanted to see," I hesitate to leave him alone. "You're the one she's been waiting for."

"Luca," I step towards him, his back turned to me as he pets Lily. "If we hang out all together...How am I gonna deal with the fact that I know you caught feelings-"

"I didn't," he does not let me finish. "I didn't catch feelings. She's too young. She's just like a little sister to me, nothing more. Now, just go and do what you should have done months ago."

I do not insist, knowing how he feels.

I want to trust him, but I do not know. One part of me tells me he is not honest, and the other tells me he is, but not fully.

I keep quiet and head towards the door to open it. "I'll come back in the morning," I tell him, and he answers with a simple "Yeah", so I go out. I walk up to my car and get in, feeling anxious and worried about the reaction she could have.

What if she hopes to see Luca and not me? What if I am ruining something they could have had? These thoughts swirl around my mind as I start the engine and drive to her house.

15 minutes later...

Still wondering what I should do, I stare at her house from my car and think.

Do I deserve her love, or will I only make things worse again? Would she live a better life if I disappeared from hers and Luca's one and let them both get together? I know he would be able to make her forget about me. I know she would be pampered and loved by him in a way I never could.

The voices in my head sound so loud. They are a constant reminder of my own insecurities and shortcomings, and I have no idea if I will be able to ignore the worst ones. The ones I have not heard in a long time but which only come back when I am feeling at my most vulnerable.

As I dive deeper into my own thoughts and fears, the ringtone of my phone suddenly breaks the silence. I quickly check the text, grateful for the distraction it provides.

< Why aren't you at her house yet? ]

[ I am. I don't know what to do. What if I fuck it up? What am I even gonna say to her? >

< Apologize. If you're not ready to get back in a relationship with her right away bcs you're scared, then start it all over again if she is okay with it too. Go back to that time when you were friends, and you take it slow. Make it up, show her you've changed. Become her best friend again. Show her you love her and trust her, and she will see that you are committed to making things work this time ]

I read his words over and over again, feeling hopeful for the first time in months. Perhaps this is the most suitable approach.

[ Okay, thank you for always being her for me and giving me advices...You're the best guy I've ever met >

< I just want the best for you because you deserve it ]

I smile at the message and then look up. I put my phone back in my pocket and get out of my car. While attempting to quieten the voices, I make my way to the front door of her house and stop on the porch, taking a deep breath before knocking.

In only a few seconds, the door swings open. The moment my eyes meet hers, my heart threatens to burst out of my chest. "Why are you here?" she asks, expecting someone much better.