This Chapter Includes Self harm and other triggers. Do not read if you are easily triggered.

Ocean

It had been so many years since I had played in the rain. 15 to be exact. Feeling Hayden's arms around me; I didn't feel scared. I didn't feel alone. I felt free. Looking into his eyes I saw the way the light reflected, I could see myself in his eyes. Slowly he leaned into me I couldn't move. His lips touched mine in a gentle way, they weren't cold or rough. My mind raced as the heat bloomed from my lips. I pulled out of the kiss, resting my forehead against his. Tears threatened to pour from my eyes. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to lose him. He held me and we stayed there for what seems like forever.

I didn't want to pull away, especially with his heat so near. I shivered involuntarily and Hayden broke our embarrass. Sadness filled my body, but I knew it was for the best.

"Come on," Hayden lead the way back to the car, opening the door for me. The ride back was silent, both avoiding each other as much as possible. It was awkward being so close to him after the tender moment we shared.

Around 6 I came downstairs to start dinner. Hayden was flipping though channels on the tv when I passed.

"Young girl arrested..." Hayden flipped past the news channel. He flipped back and I could hear what they were saying in the kitchen.

"You heard that right. A young girl was arrested near David's Incorporated after attacking the CEOs daughter. The woman who was arrested later turned out to be one of the secretaries that work for David's. She assaulted Ocean on the terms of her newly announced Engagement."

I closed my eyes trying to block out the news. Yes, she had assaulted me but I kind of deserved it. She would have made a much better wife for Hayden.

I opened my eyes and continued working on dinner, phasing out what had been said.

The spoon I was using to stir one of the pots needed to be pulled out. Going to place it on the counter, I miscalculated, hitting the edge of the counter and having it ram into the palm of my hand.

Wincing I placed it down properly, hearing a deep voice say "careful."

Hayden.

Great.

I nodded, not taking my eyes off the stove. The chicken was almost done, as were the veggies. I pulled the rice off the heat to let it set. Turning to grab plates I ran into a sturdy chest. Hayden grabbed my shoulders firmly. A feeling fear spike my body I tried not to tremble keeping my eyes trained on the floor.

"Ocean." His voice was harsh and stern.

I nodded, scared I had messed up again.

"Did she hurt you?" His voice didn't change

A lump formed in my throat. I shook my head. I lied. If he found out, I'd be dead. Plus, my body had gone numb so I couldn't feel the pain anymore.

"I asked did you get hurt?" Hayden's voice raised ever so slightly.

I nodded, shaking slightly. I knew what to expect from most people but Hayden. Hayden scared me. He could end me in a second.

"Well that little..." Hayden trailed off letting go of my shoulders.

Peeking though my hair I saw his hands in his hair like he was stressed.

I pulled out two plates and the cutlery, putting them on the counter before bringing the food. Hayden didn't say a word, sitting down and adding food to his plate. I sat but didn't move. I felt scared. was he gonna hurt me too?

Was he mad?

An all too familiar craving caught me off guard. Pain.

I didn't want food. The thought of eating made me sick to my stomach. I wanted pain.

My breathing became shaky and I felt my skin begin to itch. I dug my nails into the skin wanting to do more.

"Ocean?" The voice sounded distant. Pain. I closed my eyes I heard a crash.

"Ocean." My chin was pulled urgently, and a finger wiped a tear that was running from my eyes.

"Ocean look at me." Forcing my eyes open, I saw two green eyes looking at me. they weren't angry, but gentle and worried. I pulled my knees close to my body.

"Ocean can you hear me?" Hayden's voice cracked. I nodded slowly my body was shaking. I unwrapped my body slowly and took a deep breath.

Hayden proceeded to scoop some food onto my plate, pull his chair off the floor and watch as I ate a couple bites.

After dinner, Hayden helped me clean up before disappearing.

I decided to take an early night after finishing a couple chapters in my book.

I was in my small bathroom, staring at my figure in the mirror. I wore an old shirt that had once been my dads. Beneath you could see my skinny figure. My eyes seemed hollow, the dark rings below stood out and made then sink deeper into my face. My lips were pale and thin. I looked horrible. The craving had returned, stronger now. I found a shaving blade, staring at the shinning blade before I dug it into my skin slowly.

1

2

3

4

5

On one arm.

1

2

3

4

Just as I went to make another a sharp knocking on my bedroom door startled me.

"Ocean?"

I placed the blade down quickly, hurrying over to the door.

My shirt was short sleeve, so I couldn't pull the sleeves down to cover my arms.

I opened the door, hiding my arms behind me.

"Hey, I just wanted to make sure you were ok..." Hayden trailed off, "and if you wanted to talk about it..." He seemed nervous.

I shook my head, putting my hand on the doorknob to shut it.

"Wait!" Hayden grabbed my arm. "I just wanted you to know I enjoyed the puddle..." he trailed off.

His eyes shifted to my arm and his hand. A single bead of blood ran over his hand.

"Ocean..." His voice started shaking. "Why are you bleeding?" I shrugged, pulling my hand from his arm. I slammed the door shut shaking. I made my way back into the bathroom.

Five

Six

I couldn't stop

the deep red dripping from my arms was mesmerizing.

"Ocean stop!"

I couldn't. Once more the blade met my skin for a second before it was ripped from my fingers.

"What the hell." Hayden stood there shaking.

I looked at the floor, wishing it would swallow me up.

"Ocean." Hayden's voice lost its edge.

"Ocean why?" His voice was shaking, much like myself.

I closed my eyes.

"Hey, hey look at me." His voice was still quivering. His fingers touched the bottom of my chin gently.

I opened my eyes again seeing his bright green ones.

"Can I hug you?" I nodded as I felt his warm embrace, I could smell his body wash faintly, his hair was still wet. I cried. I sobbed. He held me as I buried my face into the crook of his neck.