I did not speak on the flight back home. Everything felt frozen. Numb. Numb was nice. It was better than the pain.

I reached home and lay down on my bed.

I heard Janvi and Rhea explain some things to my dad. What they did know. Dad came to my room after a while... And tried to make me talk. "What happened there, Sam?" He asked. I could not tell him. I just lay on my bed. He kept asking. But I did not feel like talking. He kept trying to feed me food. But I did not feel like eating.

I just lay there on the bed...

In between, I went to sleep.

When I opened my eyes, I realised someone was adjusting the blanket on me. I looked up and saw Shiva's face. "I am sorry, I did not mean to wake you up." He softly said. Shiva. It was Shiva.

I sat up...

He sat down on the bed facing me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him. The first time I had spoken in a while, and hence my voice came hoarsely.

"Your dad called me." He said. "Mia..." He sat closer, "What happened in Amsterdam?"

I looked at Shiva. I was almost raped... But how was I supposed to tell him that? I went to Jasper's room on my own. I was about to cheat on Shiva willingly. How was I supposed to tell him that?

"Mia..." he called me affectionately. He had not called me that way in a long while. He tried to take me into a hug, but I shuddered away. I did not want a man's touch. He looked confused.

"Go away..." I told him.

"What?" Shiva asked.

"Go away..." I screamed. I hated him. This was all because of him. Now he cares about me? Now? After ignoring me for months... After making me feel like shit? This happened because of him. I went to Jasper's room because of him.

"Mia, what is wrong?" He asked. "Did someone hurt you?"

"Go away..." I cried. Tears rolled down...

He was looking at me like he did not know what to do.

"I don't want to see you. Go away..." I yelled.

He looked helpless.

"Go," I yelled again. "GO. GO. Go..."

"Fine." He said, holding up a hand to calm me down. "I will go." He said. "Calm down. I am going. I will leave..." he said.

And turned around and walked.

And I lay back down on the bed.

The next time when I opened my eyes, it was Harsh who was in the room. "Hey, bud..." he called as he saw me open my eyes. "How are you feeling?"

"Harsh..." I called. He was my comfort zone always. My best friend. And seeing him, broke everything in me. I sat up. "Harsh..." I cried.

"Come here..." He said, taking me into a hug. I let him hug me. He kissed my forehead. "How about we go to that Japanese restaurant that you love so much?" He asked me. "Get ready and come. I'll take you. We can eat your favourite udon noodles and tempura bowl." He said. I was glad that he was not asking me what went wrong, what happened etc.

I looked up at Harsh.

He softly dried my tears. "Come. It's my treat." He said.

I nodded.

I got up and took a bath and wore jeans and a well-covering top and went with Harsh. He drove me to the restaurant and in between, he was talking to me about our college friends and how he was adjusting to the life at his father's company etc. Never once did he ask me what is wrong.

When we were eating too, he was joking around and making me feel at peace. This was what he did when mamma passed away too. He never mentioned how sorry he is like others did. He took me to places, fed me, made me feel happy.

When he dropped me back home, he left me at the door of my room. But as he was about to walk away, I held on to his jacket sleeve. He turned to look at me. "Don't go..." I whispered. I felt like if he leaves, my comfort bubble will burst.

He looked at me for a second and then nodded.

"Stay over," I said "Don't leave me alone."

When Harsh was getting ready to go to sleep on the floor of my room, he asked, "You think Shiva will be okay with this arrangement?" The mention of Shiva's name again hurt. "I mean, I am simply just sleeping on the floor." Harsh went on, "Still... By the way, Shiva was really worried about you, you know... He had called me."

"Harsh..." I called. He looked at me.

"Yeah?"

"Can we not talk about him?" I asked. It just hurt...

"About Shiva?" he asked. "Okay..." he sounded confused, but he did not pry further.

I lay on the bed. And after a while, I went to sleep. I woke up hearing Harsh talk to someone on the phone. I first thought it must be Kashish. "Yeah, she seemed better. I took her to her favourite restaurant. She is sleeping now." Pause. "I am sleeping on the floor of her room. Hope you are okay with that... I mean, she did not want to stay alone. And I just felt I should stay near her... Please don't mind it, okay. We are simply just sleeping..." Kashish for sure. "Dude, don't worry. I am taking care of her... I am thinking something really fucked up happened with her. She needs our support right now. And Shiva... Don't just give up, Man... She will eventually talk to you."

Shiva???

I sat up. Harsh was on the balcony so he did not see me.

"No, I did not ask her what happened," he was continuing. "I did not want to force her to talk. She will tell us when she is ready. We just need to support her..."

I could not hear what Shiva replied to that. But Harsh turned around and saw me. "Oh, she is awake. Do you want to talk to her?" He turned to me. "Did you want to talk to Shiva?" he asked.

I shook my head. I could not face Shiva. Not yet.

"Sorry, man. She said no." Harsh whispered to the phone. "I'll update you later... Yeah. Bye." He hung up the call and came to sit on the bed. "Sammie, you are hurting him." He told me. "The poor dude is worried sick about you." I stayed silent. "At least talk to him once." Harsh added.

"No," I said.

"Why?" He asked. "He was not there with you in Amsterdam. I don't know what happened, but whatever happened has nothing to do with him, right?"

No. It has everything to do with him.

"I don't want to talk to him, Harsh," I said. Not even see him... ever again.

Harsh looked at me.

"And you still don't want to talk about what happened?" Harsh asked. I did not know about that. I felt if it is Harsh, I could tell what happened. But I did not want to tell him everything. The fact that I went to Jasper's room on my own.

"Your dad and Shiva do not know this," Harsh sat closer, "but Rhea and Janvi said that they left you with a guy... That the last they saw you were talking to a guy at a club?"

I nodded.

"Did he hurt you?"

I nodded.

"I am sorry to ask this..." Harsh said, softly... "But did he..." he looked terrified. And I understood he meant to ask if the guy raped me.

"No. He did not." I said. "I... escaped."

"Oh, thank god," Harsh said. "I mean, no... I was expecting worse. It was good that you escaped. Glad about that. Not about the fact that you had to go through something like that. That is horrible."

I drew my knees up and settled my head on them. "Don't tell Shiva," I said.

"Why?" he asked. "Sam, don't tell me that you feel you hold any responsibility for what happened?"

But I do though...

"Sam that is victim-blaming. Survivor guilt. Every person who goes through something horrible like that will introspect if it was their fault. No... No, it's not."

It is though. I went to his room.

I dried the tears that came to my eyes. "Go tell Shiva if you want to." If things are supposed to end like this, let it end like this. I am sure Shiva would not want anything to do with a cheating girlfriend. I deserve this.

I figured I could not spend my entire life grieving over what happened. What happened, happened. It was over. I was safe now. So I needed to shake it off and get up and get back to my life.

So I started going to the office. I wanted to work more. Work will keep my head off things. So I asked dad if he can promote me. He might have declined me before, but he agreed now because I was his daughter after all and he loved me. He also knew that work was something that will keep my mind away.

And a month passed... And I never saw Shiva or talked to him. He tried to call me. But I did not pick up his calls. Then he stopped calling.

Even when we were in this phase, that scared me. He was supposed to call me. He was supposed to make effort. I was scared that he will give up on me. And this will be the end of us.

And my birthday was approaching. And since the first time when he gifted me the heart pendant, I have always met him on my birthdays. So It began to hurt extra now.

And then a few nights before my birthday, Shiva climbed in through my balcony window into my room.